The Amazon
by Vinividivinci
Summary: The consequences of finding an alien artifact are devastating for Jack and Sam. Their friendship and their team in ruins, can they move on to something new and possibly better? The subject matter is mature but there is nothing graphic.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hi all. My apologies, as usual, for not writing. RL and all that. I have been so swamped I haven't had the time (or mental energy) to work on my other story, although I plan to update over the holidays. Since I wanted to write something I'm doing a short (just a few chapters) story. This one is more than predictable – and has been done to death (even by me). I just needed a good dose of J/S and something simple that didn't require much thought.**_

_**This is a more mature story (hence the 'M' rating) than many I've done lately although it is not graphic at all. I was considering doing a more 'R' version, although I know I can't post it here. If anyone is interested in that give me a PM and I'll either send it to you or post to another site that accepts more explicit stories.**_

_**Thanks!**_

His first thoughts upon awakening were that it had been a wild dream! He hadn't remembered anything like that since – well – hell, he didn't know if he'd ever dreamed something like that. He wasn't usually into that kind of thing and felt rather disturbed by it. If it hadn't been for the fact that it wasn't real he would have been _really_ disturbed.

A part of him also felt a bit – turned on – which bothered him even more. He was _not_ like that and he _knew_ that neither was … he stopped that thought in its tracks. Don't go there Jack!

In fact, if truth be told, he felt rather ashamed. Not only was there was no way he should be thinking, or dreaming, those kinds of things, he knew that in real life he wouldn't have reacted the way he had in the – nightmare, not dream. There was nothing he hated more than feeling helpless – and this had been the ultimate in helpless. The few times in his life when he had felt that way something terrible had happened. He refused to dwell on Iraq and Cromwell, Charlie and Sara, Hathor, Ba'al, or the other few times when he'd been powerless. He took a deep breath and decided it was time to get up and get moving and try to stop thinking about the damn dream.

He started to stretch but immediately found out that he was sore – really sore. God, it _had_ been a wild one to make him feel like this! He almost felt as though it had really happened. He laughed softly to himself. Good thing it hadn't! He didn't know _how_ he'd explain it to Janet if it had. Not only that, he'd be as embarrassed as hell when she saw - what she'd see if it had been real!

He still couldn't believe how rough things had gotten. There was no way it would ever happen like that in real life – good thing that, he didn't know if he would survive. Still, it had been rather – interesting and certainly erotic. But damn – he wish he didn't feel so sore! He guessed he was getting too old for those kind of dreams.

He took a deep breath, which almost immediately turned into a yawn. He was so tired – but knew it was time to get up and get moving. On that thought quickly followed a realization. Hell, he wasn't at home – he was on a mission! His eyes snapped open and he looked straight up – straight at a strange, plaster ceiling with paintings on it – paintings of – women and men doing a number of erotic, and rather sadistic things. Okay he frowned – he was definitely not in a standard issue Air Force tent. Where the _hell_ was he?

A soft sound to his right had him turning his head quickly, ready to defend his life if need be. He quickly realized he didn't need to defend anything since the noise had come from Sam Carter – who was sound asleep beside him. She was turned on her side facing him, both hands curled up under her cheek.

He spent a brief moment thinking how beautiful she looked – and the next moment sitting straight up in shock. Oh dear God! He looked down at himself to find that he was naked – totally, absolutely, completely naked.

What had happened? What was he – what were _they_ doing here? He checked Carter out again and, yeah he'd been right – she was naked too. They were both lying on the ground, on what looked to be some old sacks or cloths. He checked the room only to realize they were in some kind of ancient building. The room was circular and empty – the only thing in it was their 'bed', the paintings on the ceiling, and of course, two naked Air Force officers.

His first thought was to get up and out before Carter woke up. He slowly inched his leg – his very bare leg - over to the side of the makeshift bed the two of them were lying on. As he moved he tried to figure out what had happened and why they were here – and why they were naked!

Sam hadn't moved a muscle so Jack continued to inch his way out of bed. Just as he was about to turn his body and stand up, Sam's eyes popped open and she looked directly at him. For a moment her eyes looked soft and warm and relaxed.

He could never really believe that anyone had eyes as big or as blue as hers. His next thought was to wonder how long it would take before –

"_Sir!_" she squeaked loudly.

Not long. He was impressed at how quickly she realized something was wrong. Much quicker than he had, in fact.

"Yes Carter", he answered, turning his head and looking at her as if they were sitting in the briefing room together instead of in bed – with no clothes on.

"What are you doing here Sir?" she asked – her eyes even wider than before, if that were humanly possible.

"Uh – I have no idea Major. I just woke up a couple of minutes before you."

"Oh." She stared for another few seconds and then a frown grew between her eyes. "Where are we?"

"That I don't know either Carter", he answered gently. "I told you – I just woke up myself. I know as much as you."

"Oh", she repeated. She stared at him for a moment, the frown still there. Her eyes suddenly dropped down to his chest – his _bare_ chest. That was when her expression of confusion began to change to one of horror. Jack couldn't help but wince.

"_Sir! _You're – you don't – " She then glanced down at herself. "Oh my God!" She immediately tried to cover as much of herself as possible and ended up by pulling one of the sacks out from under her and using it to cover herself.

"I know Carter. I – don't know what happened but it appears we're both – uh – well, I was going to go find out what happened."

"Colonel – my God Sir. What are we doing here?"

He sighed, wishing that she was her usual calm, competent Major but he realized this was a situation that was not like any they'd experienced before. Hell – this was _worse_ than anything they'd experienced. "Major, _I don't know_! If you'll turn around I'll get up – uh, I'll get out and go find out."

"Okay." She went to roll over but her eyes seemed to move down of their own accord to look at his chest.

Jack could see those eyes grow round – again – and her look of horror increased.

He knew that seeing his naked chest was probably uncomfortable for her but damn – she didn't need to look at him as if he was a _monster_! He glanced down and then froze. Oh my God! The sudden realization almost had him flopping back down. The dream had been real!

He could feel himself flush and stole a quick look at his 2IC. She was staring at his – at him.

"_Carter!_"

"What?" She looked up, startled, and then blushed. "I'm – sorry Sir. I didn't I – I'll just turn over." She grabbed the cloths and held them around herself carefully while she turned her back to him.

His eyes returned to his chest. He groaned again. How in hell was he going to explain this? His chest was _covered_ in scratches and bite marks. His nipple – the left one – had bite marks all around it and was even slightly swollen. Crap – it really _had_ been real. No wonder he was sore.

He froze again. He was also sore – down there. NO! His eyes closed. They couldn't – they didn't – DAMN! He looked to make sure Sam – no, _Carter_ still had her back to him and then quickly took a look.

He couldn't help it. He swore loud and long. They were in deep, deep shit and he had no idea what to do. There was _no_ way he was going back to Earth like this. He looked like he'd spent the night in a brothel – a very rough brothel that was in to S&M!

"Sir?" Carter's tight voice drifted over her shoulder. "What's wrong?"

He closed his eyes briefly and then opened them again. Ignoring her question he asked one of his own. "Uh – Carter?"

"Yes Colonel?"

"Are you – do you feel – uh – _sore_ anywhere?"

"Sore Sir?"

"Yes. You know Major – do you – hurt anywhere?"

"Hurt Sir?"

"_Carter!_"

"I'm sorry Sir – uh – no, not really –" She stopped talking suddenly and was completely still. For a moment he wondered what had happened. "Oh no!"

Okay – well that answered _that!_

"What – Colonel, what happened?" This time there was real fear in her voice. He wanted to reach out and touch her, to comfort her but he was pretty sure she wouldn't take that well, not right now.

"I don't know", he answered gently. "It looks – kind of – bad."

"God – do you think – was I _assaulted_?"

If his dreams were anything to go by – and based on his physical condition they were – _she_ wasn't the one who had been assaulted. "I don't think so Major. I think -"

"What Sir?" Were those tears he heard in her voice? Damn – this _was_ bad!

"I think you and I – that we – you know."

"You mean we – had – we – Oh God!"

That was just about exactly what he was feeling and he really didn't know what to do. With a groan he pulled himself up out of bed, refusing to look down at himself. He perused the room and it was then he noticed that his clothes were spread all over the floor. "I think so", he finally answered. "I expect we must have been drugged or something Major. It _wasn't_ our fault!"

His words – which attempted to be comforting – didn't seem to be helping. Either she wasn't buying it or was too shocked to really take anything in. As he quickly dressed – noticing more and more scratches and sore spots - he told himself that they _must_ have been drugged. There was no _way_ he and Carter would have hopped into bed together any other way.

For a number of years there had been a – thing – between the two of them. They'd come close to bringing it out in the open a few times but had, by mutual if silent agreement, left it locked up. Over time the feelings had turned into ones of warm affection. Oh, he still found her – attractive – but had quashed any other feelings. Since that time he'd dated a few other women – none of them seriously – and knew Sam had as well.

This situation may have just blown all their years of sacrifice – and their present friendship – to hell. Damn – he really didn't need this to happen. Not now – not ever!

"Colonel?"

"What is it Major?" He winced again – stupid question Jack.

"I – I think I'm starting to remember something."

"Yeah?" He tried, really _tried_ to sound casual. God, he hoped she didn't remember what _he_ remembered – what he thought had been a dream. He was embarrassed enough as it was. "Here Carter", he tossed her clothes over beside her while trying to keep his eyes turned away. He'd collected them after he'd gotten up. There was silence in the room as she began to dress herself. They'd both be better able to deal with things when not sitting naked in an alien room together.

"Sir are _you_ – sore?" She asked him the same question he'd asked her a moment ago. What to say? Might as well be truthful – he figured this was all going to come out anyway – and hit the proverbial fan!

"Yes Major", he said softly.

"Did I – was it – did I do that?"

He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. What to say? "I think we _both_ did it Major."

"But I'm not – I mean I'm only sore down – you didn't hurt me Sir, but I think I hurt _you_!"

He took a deep breath and walked over to the pile of sacks and sat down – careful not to get too close to her. "Look C – ur Sam, we don't know what happened here and until we do, there's no point in getting upset about anything. Whatever _did_ happen wasn't our fault. We would _never_ have done – what it looks like we may have done. Like I said, we must have been drugged or something."

"Okay", she mumbled. She turned then and looked at him, her expression one of fear, but also of trust. It touched him deeply. "What are we going to do Sir?"

"You stay here and finish getting dressed. I'm going to check things out and see if there's anybody around. I want some answers! I'll be back soon."

"Be careful Colonel", she whispered.

He opened the door to the room they were in and immediately found himself outside. He took a few steps, but all he could see was a small clearing surrounded by trees. He walked away from the building and then turned to take a look at it.

The building they woke up in looked like something out of the Greek Islands. It was relatively small and circular – just as it had been on the inside. It looked like it was built of marble – white marble. Over the doorway was a bas relief of a group of women dressed in what looked like battle dress. He decided that it must be some kind of temple, although in honor of whom or what he couldn't tell.

He frowned – wondering what kind of a place this was. He spent another few minutes doing a check around the building but there was nothing more to see. He debated whether to go any farther but decided it was best not to wander off alone. He'd get Carter – in a minute – and they'd go together.

He took a few steps over to the stump of a tree and sat on it, feeling suddenly tired and depressed. He didn't want to think about what the consequences of this incident were going to be – he knew they would be bad. Even if he and Carter didn't get into trouble, he knew it would probably mean the end of their team – and their friendship. He really didn't know if they could act the same around each other, not after what had happened.

As he sat there, listening to the sound of the trees and the life that lived in the forest, he thought back to how this mission had started, to try and figure out what the hell had gone wrong.

"So there's nothing important here then", he said as they walked down the steps from the gate. They'd just stepped through from Earth to Planet Boring.

"Yes there is Jack", Daniel quickly answered. "Don't you remember? SG4 took pictures of some interesting ruins. It looks like whoever was here may have been related to the Ancient Greeks. The ruins looked amazing – almost completely intact. This could be an incredible -"

"Aaack!" Jack waved his hand. "Like I _said_ Daniel – nothing important. I know you love your ruins, but they're not going to defeat the Goa'uld!"

"How do you know?" Daniel looked at him out of those blue, 'butter wouldn't melt in your mouth' eyes of his. "There could be something there – some ancient writing – that tells us how to defeat them. There could even be instructions for some powerful weapon -"

"Right! From the Ancient Greeks?"

"You never know."

"And I don't want to know Daniel." He turned to Carter. "What about you Major? Anything of interest here for you?"

"Well Sir – I am picking up some interesting EM readings from that direction", she pointed with her head. It was, of course, in the opposite direction from Daniel's ruins.

"Of course you are Major", he sighed. "Okay – it looks like our scientists have some things they want to look at. Carter, there were no life signs here, right?"

"Nothing sentient Sir. It appears as if there are local animals but they appear to all be small and harmless."

"Famous last words!" he muttered. "Okay then – let's kill two birds with one stone."

"For what reason do you wish to kill birds O'Neill?" Teal'c raised The Eyebrow at him.

Jack peered carefully at his Jaffa friend. He continued to try and figure out if Teal'c _really_ didn't know Earth idioms or if he was pulling their legs. "I don't", he answered, deciding to keep it short. If Teal'c really didn't know he could ask Daniel later. "What I do want to do is get home as soon as possible because it's Friday."

"What difference does that make?" Daniel squinted at him, obviously raring to get to his ruins. "We've visited planets on Friday before."

"Yes, but not on Fridays with the 6th game of the Stanley Cup. If I have to miss that, because of _ruins -!_"

"You will make my life miserable?" He friend murmured, only partially teasing.

"Yes. Okay kids what we're going to do is this. Teal'c, you accompany Daniel to the ruins and I'll go with Carter to check out this AM reading -"

"EM Sir."

"EM, AM – potato potawto Major. Like I said – I'll go with Carter to check this thing out. We'll rendezvous back here", he checked his watch, "In 12 hours. Keep in radio contact at all times and be careful!"

"Twelve _hours_ Jack? There's no way I can –"

"Twelve Daniel. Just take lots of pictures and you can look at them when you get home."

As Teal'c and Daniel headed out Jack was sure he could hear his friend muttering something about 'immature Colonel's' and 'macho soldiers who know nothing of history or culture'.

"I do too", he called after Daniel. "I just think there's more to both than _rocks_!"

"It's okay Sir", Carter did her usual thing and tried to calm the Jack/Daniel storm waters. "Daniel knows you are doing what you have to. He really doesn't mind but just likes to complain."

He glanced at her in surprise, wondering if she actually believed that. "Oh, he resents it all right. It's just that Daniel can't hold a grudge and he'll forget about it soon enough."

Sam nodded and stood there expectantly. "Ready when you are Sir", she finally spoke when Jack didn't move.

"What? Oh – yeah, let's go Major. I'll take point." They'd travelled for a little over two hours before coming to – hell!

That was _it!_ His thoughts returned to the present and he stood up and hurried back into the small temple to talk to Carter and see if she remembered any more.

"Carter!" he stopped dead in his tracks. She was sitting on the floor – crying. "Carter – hey, Sam." He approached her carefully, knowing she'd be mortified at being caught in tears. At the same time, he totally understood what she was feeling. He didn't cry, hadn't since – but sometimes he wished he could. Instead, right now, he just really wanted to shoot something or someone.

He plopped down on the ground beside her. "It'll be okay Major", he said softly, reaching out with his hand. He stopped himself before he touched her and withdrew his arm. Touching had to be a taboo right now, and probably forever after this.

"Will it Sir? I remember everything. I remember what I did to you. God, I've never done anything like that in my life. I can't – I don't know _why_. Jack, I _raped_ you!"

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Since the moment he'd realized it wasn't a dream he'd forced himself not to think about what had happened or he was sure he'd lose it. He wanted to deny it, to comfort her and tell her that wasn't true, but he couldn't. At the same time, he knew he should have been able to stop her, to stop what had happened. He'd actually _let_ her do what she did. Not only that, he'd responded. Even though she had tried to inflict actual pain, he'd still responded. He couldn't figure it out. _Why _had he allowed it? It was as if he'd lost the ability to defend himself, to fight back. Instead he'd just let her do what she wanted with him and gone right along with it.

"No", he finally said, softly. "No – it was drugs or something Sam. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't, it wasn't – what you said." He couldn't even say the word. "Look, if we'd been both in our right minds it wouldn't have happened. You wouldn't have – and I wouldn't have _let_ you. No, there's something else at work here."

He heard her sniffle and then felt her sit up straight. "Okay Sir" she finally answered and he grinned slightly. That was Carter's 'soldier' voice. She was working at keeping herself together. Good woman Sam!

"So, what do you think happened?" She went on, her voice sounding steadier.

"Do you remember the stone – thingy – we found?"

She frowned slightly, obviously trying to remember. He could see the moment it came back to her. "The obelisk! Yes – that has to be it. I remember finding it and that it was radiating some kind of EM field. We walked over to it and –"

"You touched it. It gave you some kind of shock and I remember you looked at me then. Your eyes -" His voice faded as the memory came back to him. Her eyes had looked strange – frightening. For a moment he'd even wondered if she was a Goa'uld, although they hadn't actually glowed. It was more something in their expression, something he couldn't or didn't want to, understand. He knew he'd taken a step back and had asked her what was wrong. She'd reached out and touched him and – the next thing he'd known he was being led by her to the temple. He had gone with her completely placidly, with not attempt to get away. "It was that thing", he continued, trying to get his mind away from the memory. "It did something to you, to us."

She nodded. "But what? How could it have caused me to _attack_ you and you to -"

"Let you? I don't know, but I do know we need to get off this damn planet and get home." He glanced at his watch, suddenly wondering why they hadn't heard anything from Daniel or Teal'c. He pulled out his radio and tried to call, but got no answer. "We'd better get back. We've been gone almost 12 hours as it is."

"Why do you think they haven't called in?" Sam asked, realizing the same thing he had.

"I don't know. I hope it's just because Daniel got too interested in his ruins."

"But Teal'c would still have checked in."

"I know. No point worrying about it. Let's just get moving."

It took them almost an hour to find the trail back towards the Gate. At one point they'd gotten within a couple of hundred feet of the obelisk but had mutually agreed to avoid it.

It was almost three hours before they arrived at the ruins. Worried as to what they'd find, they were both surprised when Teal'c sauntered over to them as if nothing was wrong.

"O'Neill, Major Carter. Were you successful?"

Jack stopped and stared at the Jaffa. "Successful?"

"Yes. You radioed that you had discovered some kind of technology that you felt might be useful. Was it something Earth can use?"

"I radioed?"

"It was Major Carter who spoke with me." Teal'c looked at him rather strangely. "She informed me that you were going to be out of radio contact while you investigated the technology." Suddenly he looked concerned. "Are you all right O'Neill? You appear pale." He then turned and considered Carter. "And you Major Carter. Is everything okay?"

Before either of them had a chance to reply, Daniel came bounding out of one of the ancient buildings. "Jack, Sam – am I glad you're back. You wouldn't believe what I've found! Oh", he squinted at his friends. "Did you find what you were looking for? Teal'c said you thought you might have discovered something important."

"Not really Dan -"

"Oh, too bad", Daniel interrupted. "But you won't believe what I've discovered!"

"What Daniel?" Sam spoke sharply, in no mood for one of Daniel's treatises, but interested in case it had something to do with what had happened. She was feeling terrible – sick with guilt and fear.

"Well, you know I said the ruins looked Greek? Well they are – sort of – but in actual fact, the people who lived here weren't Greek!"

"They _weren't_!" Jack wasn't feeling any too tolerant of Daniel either right now and his tone carried both sarcasm and weariness. He was also feeling like crap – both physically, although he was pretty sure it wasn't anything serious, and emotionally.

"No", Daniel turned and smiled at him, not noticing anything wrong, so caught up was he in his own excitement. "They were _Amazons!_"

"Amazons?" Jack frowned in confusion. Why the hell should he care who they were?

"Amazons", Sam repeated. "You mean as in – female warriors?"

"Yes, that's it exactly Sam. Scholars have always assumed they were nothing but an ancient myth, but based on what I've discovered, they really existed. They must have been brought here thousands of years ago by the Goa'uld. It could be why they were only a legend on Earth – they'd all been removed to this planet."

"So, they were Amazons. And that helps us how?" Jack walked over to one of the crumbling stone fences and sat down tiredly before he collapsed. He really just wanted to go home. No, on second thought, he didn't want to go – back to Earth that was, although his house sounded heavenly.

"It doesn't _help_ us exactly, except that it's an amazing historical find. Don't you see, it means they were _real_. They really existed."

"And what does it tell us about them?" Sam had also sat down, although Jack noticed she'd taken the wall as far away from him as possible. Oh yeah – this was the beginning of the end of their friendship all right.

"Well, it seems like they were an all female society -"

"Not too good a way of increasing your population!" Jack was barely listening by this time.

"True, but they had a way of dealing with that." When there were no other comments from his teammates he continued. "There were other people on the planet – other tribes. They were more traditional and were male dominated."

"And?" Jack said, sounding distracted. Daniel _still_ didn't notice.

"Yeah, well, from what the writings state, the Amazons would occasionally capture a man from one of these other tribes and use him to – uh – mate with – you know, for procreation purposes."

"And the men were agreeable to be used in such a way?" Teal'c asked, looking rather skeptical. Upon his words both Jack and Sam sat up and stared at Daniel.

"Well, not really, at least not according to the writing. It seems the tribes were terrified of the Amazons and tried to keep out of their way. They certainly didn't want them to continue to increase their numbers."

"Terrified?" Sam sounded unlike herself – hesitant, worried – but Daniel didn't notice. Teal'c however, looked at her strangely.

"Yes. It doesn't say how but the Amazons had some way of controlling the men they caught and making them – cooperate. They'd keep the man as their virtual slave, taking uh – turns with him until at least some of they got pregnant. It sounded like the men would keep participating – somehow experiencing almost an addiction that kept them cooperative."

"And then?"

"Uh – after enough of the women were pregnant, they'd kill him."

The dead silence that continued after Daniel had finished finally seemed to get through to him. Teal'c was looking very worried by this time, sensing that something was seriously wrong. "What is it?" the archaeologist looked at each of his teammates. "What's going on?"

"I think we figured out how they did it", Jack said softly. With that he stood up and gave a small stretch. "Get your gear together. We're heading home."

Daniel tried to ask what was wrong but neither Jack nor Sam was talking. "Not now Daniel. You'll hear about it later. Let's just get moving, okay?"

Finally he got the point and grew quiet, although he continued to watch his friends in concern. At one point he caught Teal'c's eye and was even more worried when he saw his friend's expression. Teal'c was afraid too.

Finally they were ready to go. Jack led the way and waited while Sam dialed the SGC. Once she had input their code they stepped through the wormhole, one by one, Jack taking up the rear. Just before he stepped through he took one more look back at the planet. With a sigh he then faced front and stepped forward.

"Let the circus begin!"


	2. Too Much

She just had to hang on for a little while longer. She could do it. She was a soldier, an officer in the Air Force. Just be brave Sam and keep your head up. Soon you can go hide in corner and collapse in a puddle of guilt and remorse. Unless she was arrested of course. In that case she'd be going to the brig and wouldn't have the luxury of a private pity session.

The Colonel had said he didn't think it was – that word. That it had been alien influence and so not her fault. She tried to tell herself that was true, but her mind wouldn't stop returning to what she'd done. It had come back to her in all its glory, or in reality all its shame. She couldn't stop thinking about his eyes – how horrified he'd looked.

She didn't care what he said. It _had_ been rape. Oh, he hadn't done anything to stop her, but she'd known, from his eyes, that he hadn't wanted it to happen, he'd just been powerless to stop it. God, what was she going to do? What was Hammond going to do? He couldn't ignore this, couldn't let it go. She would be court martialed, she would be sent to jail, her career and her life in tatters. It would be worse for the Colonel though –was already worse. He had to live with the memories of what she'd done and, if it got out, the humiliation. It was bad enough for a woman – but for a man, especially in the military, it would be horrific.

"Major!" The Colonel's voice sounded sharply in her ear. She swiveled her head to look at him, expecting to see guards advancing on her. Instead she saw him peering at her in confusion. It was only then that she realized she was standing on the ramp in the gate room with Daniel, Teal'c and the Colonel all looking at her in concern.

"Sorry Sir. What?"

"We're to go to the Infirmary to get our post mission check Carter. Come on, you're holding things up."

"Oh." She took a step down, feeling like she was walking to her doom. As she moved she could feel a hand take her arm. It was only as she pulled away sharply that she realized it was Daniel, not the Colonel. "Sorry", she said softly.

Daniel didn't know what was going on but knew that something had happened back on the planet. He'd been so excited by his discovery that he hadn't realized that Jack and Sam were both acting strangely. He'd noticed Teal'c's puckered brow and only then had clued in to the fact that the two of them were looking pale and tense. Jack moved ahead quickly towards the Infirmary, which in itself was a clue that something was wrong. He was usually the last one out of the gate room,feeling it was his responsibility to ensure his team all made it that final step home.

By the time they reached Janet's domain, Daniel was really worried. He could tell that Sam was shaking, something he'd never seen her do before. Jack was already in the examination room but was arguing with the nurse. Well, at least that was normal!

"No, you can't examine me. I'll wait for Dr. Frasier.", he told her, his voice sounding more harsh than usual. He didn't like getting checked out but was usually pretty gracious about it, at least to the nursing staff. He knew it was required and that it wasn't fair to take his abhorrence of medical checks out on them. They were only doing their duty.

"But Sir, she's with SG7. They arrived a little while ago and there were injuries. She told us to go ahead and finish the tests. It could be hours before she's done."

O'Neill gritted his teeth and looked, for a moment, like he didn't know what to do. Daniel frowned again. What was going on? There was something very weird here. Jack surely wouldn't want to wait for Janet when he appeared healthy – he frowned again. Okay, he didn't exactly _look_ healthy, although he wasn't injured, at least that Daniel could see. He was definitely pale and – wait, there was some kind of a mark, a scratch or something, down the side of his neck.

Daniel glanced down at Sam who stood silently beside him. Her shaking had stopped but he noticed that her eyes were focused on the floor in front of her. He didn't think she'd looked up except the one time he'd taken her arm. "Sam? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Daniel", she answered him in a voice so low he could barely hear her words. "I just want to get this over with." Although her words were simple enough, to Daniel they had a much more ominous sound. Teal'c also looked as though what she said meant something more than the desire to get the tests finished.

"Okay everyone", Jack took a deep breath and looked at his team members. His eyes only rested very briefly on Carter before they swiveled away to the two men. "Let's get this over with", he said clearly, unconsciously echoing Sam's words. He took the few steps to an exam table and hopped up, although he grimaced slightly when he landed. He'd forgotten that he was still – sore.

Sam followed his implied order and made her way to another table, the one farthest from where the Colonel was seated. She carefully sat and refocused her eyes on the incredibly interesting floor. Daniel and Teal'c followed next, although they looked at each other as they moved to their respective tables. Something was definitely not right with SG1.

"Uh Sir?" The nurse who was feeling the back of his neck for any unwelcome passengers, stopped and took a step back, a definite frown on her face. She reached up again and tried to gently lower the Colonel's shirt around his neck. She was stopped when a hand reached up and grabbed hers.

"It's okay Lieutenant", he told her gently. "I just scratched myself shaving. Just make sure that no alien parasite has taken up residence and then you can let me go. You've already taken my blood and checked my eyes with that damn light. I'm fine."

"But Sir", she said softly. "Protocol says I'm to report any kind of open wound and those scratches -"

"Are nothing. I – did them to myself. You don't need to worry about them."

The young officer was looking panicked. She knew her duty and knew that Dr. Frasier would have her liver for breakfast if she didn't follow proper protocol. On the other hand, the Colonel had told her to back off. She didn't know what to -"

"Jack, come on", Daniel couldn't take the look on Lieutenant Farrow's face. "You're not being fair. She needs to look at the scratches or Janet will give her – uh – trouble. Just let her take a look and then you can get out of here."

Jack sighed and dropped the hand holding the nurse's wrist. His eyes closed briefly but then he nodded. He reached up and pulled the t-shirt down. "There, you can just put some stuff on them and they'll be fine."

The nurse took a tentative step closer and looked down at the scratches. It was obvious that they extended down past the Colonel's neck and were much more extensive than a simple scratch while shaving. How he would have done that anyway, while shaving, was beyond her. "I'm just going to take a swab Colonel, to make sure there's nothing in there that might cause an infection."

Daniel turned his eyes quickly when he heard the strange sound coming from Sam's table. She continued to look down, but he was pretty sure she was shaking again. "Sam? Are you sure you're okay?"

"_I'm_ fine Daniel."

His eyes clouded over at her answer. It wasn't the words, but the inflection that worried him. What she said implied that she was okay, but that someone else wasn't. His head turned slowly towards his CO – he was pretty sure she meant Jack. Was she talking about those scratches? Could that be worrying her? But if so, why didn't she just bug the Colonel about getting them looked at? She normally wouldn't be frightened of something like that. She was very good – better than either Teal'c or him – in getting Jack to do things he didn't want to do. And they were just scratches – unless he'd gotten them doing something he shouldn't – oh God!

Daniel's head jerked up so fast he almost dislocated his neck. Teal'c instantly noticed and tilted his head in inquiry. "Uh – nothing", he answered the silent query. "I just remembered that I – uh – left something on the stove."

"Daniel?" Jack looked over at him, a strangely blank look on his face. "You'd better contact someone and have them go to your place right away. You don't want to burn down your apartment building."

"It's okay. The stove wasn't on."

Everyone, except Sam, looked at him strangely, but then went back to what they were doing. Daniel watched as Farrow took a Q-Tip and reached towards the Colonel's neck. He wasn't surprised to see the older man flinch away.

"Do you really need to do that?" he asked the young nurse.

"Yes Sir, it's protocol."

"Fine, can I go now?" he asked when she'd finished. "You've got everything you need."

"I'm sorry Sir, but those scratches look like they extend farther under your shirt. I really need to clean them up before you go. If you'll just take your shirt off I can do it quickly."

Jack sat as if frozen, his face still a blank mask. It was only when Daniel glanced over at Sam that he saw that she too looked like a statue. "Uh Jack – what's going on?" he finally asked.

It was then that Sam let out a soft whimper. It was barely above a breath of sound, but in the silence of the Infirmary it sounded as loud as a gunshot.

"Sam?" Daniel hopped down from his table and made his way over to her. He reached out to put his hand on her knee but she flinched away from him. "Sam, what's wrong. What's going on?"

She simply shook her head, looking a bit like a young child refusing to answer its parent.

"Sam, come on – you have to tell us what's going on. What happened on the planet? Did you guys run into someone there and you're not telling us?" He turned slightly and spoke to the man sitting so still on the table, the young nurse standing there looking frightened. "What's going on Jack? What happened down there?"

"Nothing Daniel. Everything's fine."

"It is _not_ fine O'Neill. Something is obviously wrong and Samantha Carter is very upset. What occurred on the planet?"

"_Nothing_. What the hell is wrong with you two? Can't you bloody well hurry up", he said to the nurse. "I want to get out of here!"

Nurse Farrow backed up a step, tears springing to her eyes. "I'm sorry Sir", her voice quavered. "I just -"

"Damn it Jack! Don't take it out on her and stop lying. Sam wouldn't be in the shape she's in if something hadn't happened. You know you're going to have to tell us – if not now when we debrief with Hammond. Just let the nurse do her job and quit saying you're fine!"

Without warning Sam suddenly broke down, the effort of trying to stay calm and focused just too much. She began to cry, at first softly, but that soon turned to gulping sobs. Daniel tried to comfort her but she resisted. When Teal'c went over to see what he could do she pulled away from him, unable to let anyone try and help her.

"What the hell Teal'c?" Daniel glanced at his friend, who shrugged in confusion and helplessness.

"I do not know Daniel Jackson. We should ask Dr. Frasier to come." Both of the men then turned to where Jack still sat on his exam table. Neither of them could understand what was happening. At any other time he would have been the first one to Sam's side, trying to comfort and help her, but this time he sat as still as a rock.

"Jack?" Daniel said reproachfully. "Sam needs you."

"No she doesn't", he answered shortly. "I'm sure I'm the last person she wants to see right now." He seemed to come to a decision then, however, and jumped up off the table, waving away the poor nurse who now looked like she wanted to flee. "Carter", he barked, his jaw clenching. "I told you already – it was alien influence. Just let it go!"

She raised her head at that, a look of anguish and pain etched deeply on her face, the tears dripping slowly down her cheeks. "No Sir", she hiccupped softly. "It wasn't – it was – it was rape Sir. Nothing more, nothing less." With that she pulled herself away from Daniel and Teal'c and ran from the room. Daniel went to follow her but when he heard the sound of Janet's voice he stopped. After a few minutes it grew quiet – the Doctor obviously having taken the Major into another room.

The two men – the one who had been a warrior for many years and had found freedom and honor among the Tauri, and the other – the one who had been a lost soul but who had found purpose and a family here, turned slowly and looked at the man they both held responsible for their present lives.

"Jack?" Daniel's voice broke. "It's – not true. It can't be."

"O'Neill. What has happened my brother?" He took two steps forward and stopped, his expression one of disbelief.

Jack slowly raised his eyes and saw his two friends, the men he held as closely as brothers, peering at him with expressions which – he couldn't understand. "What?" he asked, glancing from one to the other. "What are you looking at?"

"Jack – you didn't. Tell us you didn't?"

"Didn't _what_?" His confusion grew. What were they talking about? All he could seem to remember was Sam, looking at him with wounded eyes and then running from him. What had she said? What was this – oh God! She's said –

"NO!" he practically shouted. He saw a slight movement at his side and turned to find Nurse Farrow cowering away from him. He put his hand out to steady her, to stop her but she squealed in fear and stepped back, immediately losing her balance. She crashed to the floor and he hurried to help her – causing her to cringe away even more.

"No", she whimpered, her arms held protectively over her face.

"What's -"

"Jack – leave her alone!" Daniel raced over and helped her to her feet. "Just – leave her be. You've frightened her."

The Colonel leaned wearily up against the table and closed his eyes. He felt so tired – and he hurt, both inside and out. He just wanted to sleep, to lie down and – no – that would bring back the memories, would make him remember lying there, helpless, unable to stop her. He straightened up and glanced at Teal'c, who was staring at him with a strange expression on his face. "Teal'c? Go find her. Make sure she's okay", he told his friend softly. "She needs to be checked out by Janet, to make sure she's okay."

"Do you believe she is injured O'Neill?" The Jaffa asked, his voice suddenly cold.

"No – I don't think so, although the alien thing may have messed with her. She – needs to get checked out. Can you get Frasier? I don't think she'll want to see any guys for a while."

"She is with Dr. Fraiser already", Teal'c answered abruptly.

"God no Jack!" The exclamation sounded as if it was forced from Daniel.

"What?" Jack looked at him again in confusion. He couldn't figure out why they were looking at him like that. What was going on? Did they know? He suddenly felt dizzy and leaned back against the exam table, not wanting to pass out but afraid it was going to happen. It was all just too much and he couldn't take it. He kept seeing her eyes – first staring down at him with that terrible expression, touching him, hurting him – and then, just now, looking lost and hurt. He wanted to help her, to tell her again it wasn't her fault, but part of him _did_ blame her. Part of him hated her for what she had done to him – and he also hated himself for even thinking that of her.

God – he had lost her - and yet he had never really had her.

"Did you do it Jack?" Daniel reached out and gently laid his hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Did I do what Daniel?" he looked at the younger man, almost at the end of his rope. He didn't realize it, but he was in shock, everything that had happened finally catching up to him. "What are you asking me?"

"What Sam said. Was it – was it – _rape?_"

What to answer? He closed his eyes wearily and sighed. He shook his head slightly, not wanting to answer, not wanting to admit to the shame of it. He would just explain that it was the alien device, that it was no one's fault and she shouldn't be blamed. They would just chalk it up to their travels through the gate and go on, just like they'd gone on after so many other missionss. He'd tell them that, explain it all to them. But right now, he was just too tired. "Yes", he breathed, and leaned forward, wanting to rest.

He didn't see the shocked looks on the other men's faces, didn't see their anger or their consternation. All he knew was he'd had enough.

Even through his horror and despair, Daniel wasn't able to let his friend fall to the ground when he passed out. He caught him as he fell and, with Teal'c's help, they laid him gently on the table.

"Call Frasier and then call security", he told the nurse. With a small shake of his head his eyes rested on the still form of the Colonel. "And God help us all."


	3. To Turn Back Time

He woke up slowly, unsure where he was. Still, he retained enough sense to keep still, to pretend that he was still sleeping. It was a skill he'd perfected over the years after having so often woken up in unknown situations. A few seconds later he felt himself relax, the surrounding smells telling him instantly that he was in the Infirmary at the SGC.

So, he'd been injured. Two small lines appeared between his still closed eyes. No sounds of beeping or the whooshing of oxygen, so he couldn't have been hurt too badly. There was no real pain, although when he tried to stretch gently he discovered he was stiff and sore. The frown deepened. Why in hell was he sore down –

Crap! The memories returned in Technicolor. He remembered lying there, Sam looking – stop Jack! Don't go there. His eyes popped open and he found himself staring at the Infirmary ceiling. It was quiet – too quiet. He glanced around the room to discover that he was in an isolation room, which was surprising if he wasn't badly hurt, and alone, which was even more surprising. He knew the others hadn't been hurt, so why wasn't at least one of his team here?

He raised his arm to wipe his face – or at least he tried to. It was immediately stopped by a sharp jerk on his wrist. He looked down, shocked to discover his wrist was manacled to the bed rail. He could see an IV in the back of that wrist. What the hell? What was going on?

He pulled at it a few times, knowing that it was futile, but the frustration drove him to do it anyway. He wanted to call out, to find out what was happening but something stopped him. What if it was another foothold situation? What if something had happened while he was unconscious? He settled back and tried to think.

Okay, he remembered what had happened on the planet, but didn't want to go there at all. He thought back to arriving at the ruins and Daniel's excitement about something – oh yeah, something about Amazons and what they did to men. He laughed softly, ironically. Well, that certainly seemed to explain what had happened.

His mind then went back to the trek to the gate and after that things got a bit fuzzy. He vaguely remember watching Sam standing frozen in the gate room and telling her they had to get to the Infirmary. There had been a nurse who had been trying to do something – take his shirt off he thought. That memory suddenly made him realize he was lying in the bed dressed only in one of those humiliating gowns that were open in the back. At least he was covered with a blanket.

He reached down with his free hand and gingerly pulled the gown away from his chest and peered down. Okay, they'd obviously checked him out and fixed him up. He was covered in what he was pretty sure was antibiotic cream and sported a few Band Aids. He scoweled – yeah, some of those scratches had been pretty deep. He flushed slightly when he realized his one nipple was also covered with a bandage. It looked swollen even under that and he couldn't help but shudder when he remembered what had happened.

Alright Jack – don't be a wuss! He lifted the blanket and then his robe to check down there. He grimaced as soon as he saw the swelling and tender flesh. No wonder he was sore! Damn, he hoped nothing had been injured permanently. He shifted himself awkwardly and lowered his gown and then the blanket. Now that he'd checked himself out, he returned to what had happened before he'd ended up in here.

So – the nurse with the big frightened eyes. Why had she been frightened? He tried to remember but everything was blank. He just couldn't seem to remember – although he had a flash of another pair of eyes, blue ones swimming in tears.

Carter! God – was she okay? He'd watched her run from the room, more upset than he'd ever seen her. Damn, he wished someone would come and tell him what the F- was going on! He pulled again on the manacle, which did nothing but hurt his wrist. He laid his head back down and groaned. He'd known this was going to be bad as soon as he'd woken up on that damn planet. It was turning out even worse than he'd thought.

* * *

"Come in Doctor", Hammond motioned for his CMO to enter and have a seat. He wanted to run his hand over his head in frustration and worry but knew it was important for him to present a calm and in control front. He noticed that Frasier was looking anything but calm at the moment. This had to be as hard, if not harder on her. He knew how close she was to SG1 and to Sam in particular. "So, how are they doing?" He didn't need to specify who the 'they' were.

"Sam's sleeping", she told him. "I had to sedate her to keep her from harming herself. She was – more than distraught. I've never seen her like this before."

The fear in her voice ratcheted up Hammond's worry even more. "And the Colonel?"

Janet frowned and looked down, not sure what to think or feel about the man right now. "Uh, he's fine. He was in shock as well and passed out. I was able to examine him and treat his wounds while he stayed unconscious, which normally would worry me but in this case was for the best I think."

"His wounds?" Hammond raised an eyebrow. "How did he get wounded? Is it serious?" He almost laughed at that – serious? God, this was one of the worst things he'd had to deal with since being posted here and that included imminent world destruction.

"Well, no, they're not serious - more painful than anything, although I am keeping an eye out for infection and I have him on IV antibiotics just in case. Human scratch and bite marks can be dangerous if not treated."

"Human? You mean - ?"

"Yes", she finally looked up at that. "We tested the marks and they contained human DNA." She paused and then took a deep breath. "All the DNA matched Major Carter."

Damn it! He did rub his head this time, uncaring if the Doctor saw his distress. "And what about her? I assume you found Ja – ur Colonel O'Neill's DNA on her as well?"

"Well not exactly – or only on her fingers", she answered. When she saw him looking puzzled she continued. "Sam – Major Carter – didn't have any wounds on her. His DNA was present however."

"But you just said she didn't have any of his DNA on her?" Okay – he was seriously starting to go crazy here.

"Not _on_ her Sir."

It took only a couple of seconds before the General's eyes grew big. This time he cursed a blue streak and even stood and paced around his office a few times. Janet sat quietly, knowing he had to get it out of his system. She'd already done it and the papers strewn around her office and the smashed coffee cup attested to that.

He finally sat down and took a few deep breaths. "So it's true?" he finally said, sounding unutterably sad.

"I'm afraid so Sir. Even without the DNA it was obvious there had been – sexual intercourse."

"Forced?" he asked, although he really didn't want to.

"I – as I said Sir, there were no wounds on Major Carter and nothing that gave the appearance of force."

"But there are the wounds on Jack, which seems to indicate she fought him?" He was starting to feel confused. How in hell could she have gone after him like that and not show any marks herself. It didn't seem to make sense.

"Yes", she agreed, although there was some hesitation in her voice. "There were traces of his skin and blood under her nails, so it definitely was her. All I can think is that he's so much stronger than her and highly trained that he was able to restrain her without too much effort and therefore didn't leave a mark on her."

"And we're sure it was – rape?"

"Both of them said as much to Daniel and Teal'c Sir. I understand that Sam said that before she ran out of the room. When they confronted the Colonel with it he agreed."

"Why now? What in hell could have caused this? It must have been some kind of alien influence."

"That's what the Colonel said, according to Daniel. Unfortunately, when we checked their blood there was nothing unusual in it to suggest any kind of drug."

"What about mind control?"

"There is that Sir. I'd like to do a CAT scan on both of them to double check. We may also want to send someone back to the planet to investigate."

"I'm not sending anyone there until we have a better idea of what's going on." Hammond glanced out of his window and saw the other two members of SG1 seated at the Briefing room table. "Okay Doctor, thank you. I see Teal'c and Dr. Jackson are here for the debrief. Did you want to join us?"

Both of the two team members told everything they could of what had happened on the planet right until the moment Jack had collapsed in the Infirmary.

"So, you are sure they both said it was 'rape'?" Hammond asked quietly. "Could you have misunderstood?"

"No General Hammond", Teal'c told him. "Colonel O'Neill informed her that it was alien influence at which time she said very clearly that it had been rape. 'nothing more, nothing less than rape', were, I believe, her words."

"Yeah, that's what she said", Daniel agreed. "When we asked Jack if what she'd said was true he told us 'yes'. Then he collapsed."

"Alright", Hammond closed his eyes briefly. "You said the Colonel indicated it was alien influence. Do either of you have any idea what that could be? Did you see or hear anything?"

"No Sir", Daniel answered. "Although they were away for quite a few hours and out of radio contact for part of that time. I assume -" he paused, looking uncomfortable. "Anyway, I think we need to investigate. We all know that there's absolutely no way Jack would do something like this. There _had _to be something that caused this. We just need to find it."

"I agree Dr. Jackson, but until we have a better understanding of how the Colonel and Major Carter were affected I'm not going to send anyone back there."

"But General, Teal'c and I are fine. Nothing happened to us at all."

"But you didn't go where the Colonel and Sam went Daniel", Janet interjected. "You don't know what they might have come in contact with."

The Archaeologist nodded, knowing that it was the only sensible course. He also knew if they didn't find _something_ Jack was looking at a Court Martial.

"I think that's everything for now people", Hammond laid his palms flat on the table and pushed himself to his feet, feeling more tired than he'd felt in a long time. "Dr. Frasier, let me know when you find anything. As soon as the Colonel is awake, let me know. I want to hear what happened from him."

"And Major Carter Sir?" Janet asked. Somehow she figured they'd get more from Sam once she was calm than from the Colonel.

"As soon as she's well enough to speak with me Doctor", he nodded. "Dismissed everyone."

* * *

Janet slowly made her way down to her Infirmary. She felt sick with what had happened, not quite sure what she should do. She had told Daniel and Teal'c to give her some time to see to both the Colonel and Sam. She wanted to check on them and then have them each do a CAT scan. The two could come and visit their friends afterward.

She checked on Sam first, but the Major was still sound asleep – although she looked tense even then. Janet then walked over to the Colonel's room. The General had ordered him handcuffed to his bed but had refrained from posting security, for which she was grateful. They could keep things quiet for now.

As soon as she opened the door she knew the Colonel was awake. He was lying in bed, staring straight up at the ceiling. He didn't move or acknowledge her presence when she entered. She watched him for a moment, worried about how he was doing. He looked like – someone had died.

"Colonel?" she said gently, walking up to the bed. "How are you feeling?"

It took a moment but finally his eyes moved and he looked at her. His body was still. After a few more seconds he lifted his right wrist, the one shackled to the bed, and rattled the chain. "How am I feeling? Well, like a prisoner I guess, although I don't know why."

"You don't remember?" she asked, frowning slightly.

"Well, I remember getting back from that accursed planet. After that – not so much."

"You don't remember S- Major Carter telling Daniel and Teal'c what happened?"

He frowned deeply and turned slightly towards her, as much as he could with his arm held securely in the cuff. "She told them what happened? No –I – I think I remember her crying but – what did she say?" God – had she told them the truth? He could feel the humiliation begin in his toes and slowly move up.

"She told them – Sir, it must be a mistake. You said it was alien influence right? Do you remember -"

"Doc! What did she say?"

"She – told them you had – raped her Sir."

There was dead silence as he stared at her, a completely blank look on his face. Inside the humiliation changed to a complete and utter sense of betrayal. She wouldn't – she couldn't. Sam wouldn't lie, she wouldn't do that to him. "No, she couldn't have said that", he told her sharply. "They must have misunderstood."

"No Sir – both the General and I asked them carefully. They are sure that's what she said – and you confirmed it."

"What? I _confirmed_ it? No – no way. I wouldn't have said anything like that."

"But Daniel said he asked you straight out and you told him that that's what happened." She looked at him with pity in her eyes. She could tell that this had crushed him. "But Sir, none of us believe you would have done this without being under some kind of influence. We know this wasn't your fault."

He laughed bitterly. No – not his fault. He could feel a burning sense of anger and hurt. Even after what she'd done to him, he'd still had faith in Carter. He would have staked his life on her and now this. For the second time in his life he felt the anguish of being betrayed by someone he believed in.

He heard the Doc try and talk to him, to reason with him, but he refused to listen. He closed off everything and turned away from her. It had happened again – he should have known better than to have believed that he deserved any kind of loyalty.

She watched as the Colonel closed himself off from her. There was something wrong here, something she didn't understand. He had been devastated when he heard that Sam had told the others what he had done. Why? Did he expect her to remain quiet? Had he thought that because it was alien influence she wouldn't say it had been rape? That must be it, although there was still something that was bothering her. She reached out and put her hand on Jack's arm – only to have him shudder and pull away.

"Jack? What is it?" She'd never seen him respond in such a way. The tension in his body spoke of more than just anguish – he almost looked – afraid, traumatized. "I just want to look at the scratches to make sure there's no infection." Maybe if she approached this from a medical standpoint he'd react better.

He shook his head and burrowed down into the blankets. "No", he mumbled. "I'm fine."

She stood looking at him for a few more moments, knowing she wasn't going to get any more from him. "Okay, I'll leave you to rest. Don't worry Colonel, we'll figure this out."

As she left the room she took one look back and had to restrain herself from rushing over to him and hugging him. He looked so lost and alone. With a sigh she headed towards Sam's room.

This time the Major was awake, although she still looked rather bleary eyed. "Sam, how are you feeling?"

"Janet?" Sam peered over at her, looking slightly confused. "What's – why am I here?"

"You got rather upset Sam and I gave you a mild sedative. You've been sleeping."

"Oh." The Major looked around the room, a slight scowl on her face. "Where are the others? Daniel, Teal'c, the Colonel?"

"Uh, Daniel and Teal'c went to get something to eat in the Commissary. The Colonel is – uh – in another room. He's resting too."

"Oh", she answered again, her eyes drifting closed. Suddenly they popped open. "The Colonel? Is he okay? Oh God – he was hurt badly, wasn't he?"

Janet moved over and sat on the bed beside Sam. She was glad to see the other woman didn't seem to mind the close contact. "He's fine Sam – we just cleaned him up and I have him on some antibiotics in case of infection."

That caused the tears to spring to Sam's eyes and she whimpered slightly. Janet poured her a glass of water.

"Come on, sit up and have a drink. You're dehydrated." Once Sam had done as she asked she raised the head of her bed and settled her back on her pillows. "There. Now I want you to keep calm. The Colonel is fine and you are too. There's no reason to get so upset." Janet wanted to roll her eyes at herself. God – as if Sam _didn't_ have a reason to be upset. Still, she needed to keep the other woman calm.

"Janet – what – what was the damage? To the Colonel I mean?"

"Sam, you know that's confidential."

"But I was the one who hurt him Janet", she cried. "I need to know – I didn't do any – serious damage did I?"

"No Sam, nothing like that. It's just going to take a few days for him to heal and then he'll be fine."

"Thank God! I really tried to hurt him", she sobbed. "I didn't want to but I couldn't help it!"

"I know Sam", Janet reached out and gave her friend a gentle hug. "We all understand. There's nothing else you could have done."

Sam looked at her strangely and pulled back. "What? How can you understand? Even I don't understand it. And what do you mean there's nothing else I could have done? I _hurt _him."

"Look – when you're – when you're being attacked it's only natural – it's _right_ to fight back. You did the only thing you could."

"When I'm attacked? But Janet – I wasn't – the Colonel didn't – why are you saying that?" Sam was starting to look panicked again so Janet reached out to calm her down. This time Sam moved away. "No – tell me why you're saying these things."

"Sam, come on, calm down. I'm just – look, we know it was probably alien influence. We're going to take you and the Colonel for some more tests to check it out. We know he wouldn't do something like this intentionally, but at the same time, you did right by fighting back."

"Janet", Sam took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. "I don't know what you're talking about. I did not fight back – and what do you mean the Colonel wouldn't do something like this intentionally? He didn't do anything."

"But – but you told us -"

"Told you what?"

"I mean - you told Teal'c and Daniel that the Colonel had– raped you."

"_RAPED me_? What! He didn't rape me! I can't have said that – I didn't say that. Janet – the Colonel did not rape me!" She spoke quickly, frantically, and tried to push off the covers and get up.

Janet stood herself and restrained her friend gently. "Sam – what do you mean? Daniel and Teal'c were both very definite that that's what you said. They also said that the Colonel confirmed it."

Sam stopped dead and stared at her friend. How could she have possibly -? She closed her eyes briefly, trying to remember exactly what had happened. She had vague memories of the Colonel telling her to 'let it go', that it was alien influence. She had responded by saying – "Oh God Janet", she gasped. "They misunderstood."

"What do you mean honey? I'm afraid the tests came back positive", she said gently. "It showed that the Colonel did – uh – have sex with you and the wounds on him contained your DNA. How can it not be true?" Janet suspected that the Major was trying to cover for the Colonel – that she hadn't wanted to admit it and was now backing away from the claim. Although there was still something that bothered her about the whole situation. Still, they _had_ had intercourse – there was no doubt about that.

"Janet", Sam spoke calmly, a steady look on her face. "The Colonel did _not_ rape me."

"Honey -"

"No, listen. He did _not_ rape me. I raped him."

"_What_? What are you – Sam, there's no way. He's a lot stronger than you -" Her voice faded away as she thought about what she'd seen. It was suddenly starting to make some sense. "But how?" she asked softly. "How could you possibly -"

"The Colonel was right. It was some kind of alien device that caused it. We came across this – oh, I guess Daniel would call it an obelisk – in the middle of a clearing. It was emitting some kind of low level EM readings and I'd wanted to check it out. It didn't appear to be harmful and I went to take a closer look. I touched it - and then the Colonel did. The next thing I knew -"

"What?" Janet waited a moment for Sam to continue, but finally prodded her when she didn't speak. The Major looked stricken. "Sam – what happened next?"

"I – I looked at the Colonel and knew he was mine, that he belonged to me. I – I _wanted_ him Janet – I wanted to take him and, and make him have sex with me. All I could think of was that he would make a good father for my child. I _lusted_ after him."

"Well – he is a handsome man -"

"NO! You don't understand. This was not some usual fantasy – I mean yes, he is handsome and I wouldn't be a normal heterosexual woman if I hadn't sometimes – but this was different. I felt like I had to have him, had to make him do what I wanted."

"And the Colonel?"

"He was affected by it too. He did exactly what I wanted him to Janet. I suddenly knew of a place – knew where we had to go. I ordered him to come with me and he did – he obeyed my every word. We got to this building – it was a temple to the goddess Demeter."

"Demeter?"

"The Greek goddess of fertility."

Janet raised her brows but didn't speak. She waited for Sam to continue.

"The Colonel didn't know that – and I didn't tell him – I couldn't. I just – led him inside and – oh God", she lowered her head into her hands. After a moment she lifted her head. "I told him to – strip."

Janet winced, although she tried to maintain a calm exterior. This was almost worse than she'd imagined although she was relieved for the Colonel.

"He did and then I made him lie down and I – took off my clothes." She stopped then and didn't seem able to continue.

"Sam – tell me – why did the Colonel get those wounds? We thought that you were defending yourself."

The Major laughed, although it sounded more like a cry. "Defending myself? Oh no – I wanted to hurt him – and I did."

"But – but you said you lusted after him. I thought -"

"I did – I lusted and I hated at the same time. Everything was mixed up in my brain. One moment I was me and I was horrified at what I was doing and tried to stop. The next I wanted to – to screw him blind – and the next I just wanted him to hurt, to feel pain. It went on and on and I couldn't stop!" she cried.

"And the Colonel?" Janet felt sick to her stomach, and she wanted to put her arms around Sam and comfort her but she knew, just like the Colonel, her friend wouldn't accept any comfort – at least not right now.

"He just – laid there. He looked at me with these hurt eyes, like he hated what I was doing – that he was in there and knew what was happening but couldn't stop it. No matter what I told him to do, he would. He followed my every command, even though it was killing him inside."

There was more silence as Janet tried to take in what she had just been told. She wanted to hug the woman in front of her but she also wanted to run in to see the Colonel. God – what he must be going through right now! She'd have to get to him quickly, before any more harm was done.

"Sam – just – one more question. I'm sorry but – there was evidence, like I told you, of sexual intercourse. How did – if you were hurting the Colonel – " Okay, this was silly - she was a doctor.

"I told you Janet – he obeyed my every command! Whatever that alien thing was, it made it possible for me to make the Colonel do what I wanted with him. I also – " she closed her eyes and went white. "I did things to him to force him to respond –"

Janet realized what was happening and grabbed the emesis basin just in time. Once Sam was done emptying her stomach Janet gave her a drink of water to clean her mouth.

"It will be okay Sam – don't worry. The General will send someone back to the planet to check out this device and I'm sure everything will be fine."

"How is the Colonel – really?" Sam ignored her words. "Is he okay?"

Janet sighed. She wasn't so sure now. "He's – well, he'll be fine too. He knows it wasn't your fault Sam. He did say that it was the alien artifact. I'm sure he doesn't blame you." No, but he is devastated to think Sam said he'd raped her. "Uh – I have to go – tell the General that -"

"You thought he'd raped me?" Sam suddenly seemed to realize the implications of that. "He's not – in trouble is he? God – does he know that everyone thinks he'd raped me?"

"Well -"

"_Janet_?"

"That's what Daniel and Teal'c thought Sam. They didn't blame him but we all thought that's what had happened."

"Did you tell him? Did you tell him I said he'd raped me?"

Janet grimaced slightly. "I -"

"Oh God Janet!" This time the Doctor wasn't able to stop her as she pushed back the covers. She jumped out of bed, although she would have fallen except for holding on to the side of the mattress. After a few seconds she steadied. "Where are my clothes?"

"Sam, I don't think this is -"

"Where – are – my – clothes?"

"In the closet", Janet nodded with her head. "The General isn't going to be happy to hear you're doing this."

"To hell with the General."

Janet's eyebrows practically flew to the ceiling. In all her years of knowing Sam, she'd never heard her say anything like that. "Uh – I won't tell him that."

Sam gave a small laugh – the first natural reaction she'd seen from the woman. "No – I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't. Look, I have to see the Colonel. I can't have him thinking that I told you that. He'll feel – terribly betrayed."

Janet nodded – knowing the truth of Sam's words. "Good luck. Oh Sam", she grimaced. "He's – restrained. I'll make sure the General knows what happened and he'll be released."

"Thanks." With that Sam finished dressing and turned towards the door. "Thank you Janet. You're a good friend."

Sam reached the room where the Colonel was – resting – and hesitated for only a moment. Finally, taking her courage in her hands she pushed it open and walked in.

"Colonel", she said softly. His back was facing the door, but she knew, from the tension in his body, that he was awake. "Janet just told me what people are saying. I wanted -"

"To push the knife in a little deeper Carter?" he asked bitterly, not turning around. "Or maybe you'd rather just use your hands. They were pretty effective if I remember correctly."

She winced and felt quite sick again. "Sir – I didn't tell them you had raped me. They misunderstood. I was referring to _me_ not to you. I – was in shock and didn't realize how it sounded. I know you were trying to comfort me – to reassure me – but I felt so guilty so I blurted out that it was rape. I didn't say it was you – really. I just told Janet everything."

"Everything?" he said, so quietly she almost didn't hear him.

"Yes Sir", she answered. "I – had to. I didn't want you getting in trouble for something I did."

There was a pause and then he slowly turned over to look at her. She gasped softly. He looked awful. "Sir? Are you alright?"

"Fine Carter", he said abruptly. "How about you?"

"Me? She smiled slightly, with her lips only. "Oh – I'm just hunky dorey Sir. I mean, it's not every day that you can hurt someone you – respect and admire." The tears begin gathering again. "I'm so sorry Colonel. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

He sighed and rubbed his forehead – with his free hand of course. "I know Major – it really wasn't your fault. It was those damned aliens."

"I – think it must have been Amazon technology", she said quietly.

"Yeah, I kind of figured that one out. It – certainly worked."

She closed her eyes, wanting nothing so much as to crawl into a deep, dark hole. "I'm sorry", she said again, although she knew that no matter how many times she said it it wouldn't make a difference. She could never take away the guilt or the pain – either hers or his.

"I know Carter. Please, you have to let it go. It _wasn't_ you. We'll both get through this and things will be fine."

"Really? Can you honestly look at me again and not remember what happened? Can you trust that I won't hurt you again, after what I did?"

"Damn it all to hell Carter! It _wasn't your fault_! It wasn't you – okay? I said, we'll get through this and things will be fine."

"Fine! That's all you can ever say, isn't it Jack? Everything is 'fine' with you because you don't want to deal with anything. You don't want to face reality – you just want to shove it back in your mind somewhere and ignore it. Well I don't. Things aren't fine and won't _be_ fine – not until we deal with this."

He wanted to hit her. He really did. Which of course, made him feel guilty as hell because he would never hit a woman – unless she was trying to kill him. Right now he was just so angry though that he thanked General Hammond for having had him shackled.

"What do you want me to say Major? You want me to deal with it? Okay fine – let's _deal_ with it. Let's talk about what it felt like to have someone you trust force you to lie there while being raped. Let's chat about the humiliation I felt – the pain. You want me to share with you what it was like to be forced to do those things, to be forced to have sex with my subordinate – someone I have cared for and respected –and who seemed to enjoy hurting me? You want to talk about that? Sure – let me go through everything and explain what I felt at each thing you did."

"Stop", she said softly, closing her eyes. "I didn't mean – I didn't enjoy it Jack – please don't believe that. I tried to stop it from happening but it was as if – I couldn't."

"I know you couldn't Sam", he said, breathing out deeply. He knew it wasn't right to explode at her. It really hadn't been her fault. "I'm – sorry too. Look, I think we need some time and space from each other. We're both hurting right now. I really don't blame you – at least most of the time", he grinned a lopsided grin. "I do need to _deal_ with things thought – in my own way. I know you think I box everything up but it's just – right now I'm afraid to let them out. I need to – be alone for a while."

She nodded, understanding what he was saying. He dealt with things differently than she did and she had to allow him that. She turned and took a few steps to the door. "I don't want this to destroy our – friendship Sir", she said, "but I'll understand if it does."

"Carter", he called, just as she was about to leave. He couldn't deal with the friendship issue right now. He didn't want to lose her either, but the way he was feeling, he really didn't know if he could be around her. There was one thing he had to know however. "Uh – you said", he licked his lips, hating to even refer to 'The Incident'. "You said a few times that I'd – make a good –father. From what Daniel said that whole Amazon thing was about them reproducing. I just wanted to uh -"

"I'm on birth control Sir – and Janet gave me the Morning After pill."

He nodded, relieved. He certainly couldn't deal with any further consequences. "Okay."

She gave him a smile and left. For some reason, he felt even more lost and alone than he had before she came into his room, although the sense of betrayal was lessened – although not gone completely. He still hurt terribly from what had been done to him on that planet. He looked down at the manacle. Well at least he should be able to get rid of this thing soon.

He rested his head back on his pillow and wished he could turn back time.


	4. The Lost Soul

There was a soft tap on the door and then it opened to the person of one General George Hammond, a sober look on his face.

"Come in Sir", Jack said from his bed, his hand still attached to the rail. "You don't have to knock", he said, a tiny note of sarcasm in his voice.

George caught it but didn't respond. He figured Jack had a right to be feeling both angry and a little betrayed. He stepped forward, holding up a key. "I've come to release you Jack, and to apologize." He reached down and undid the cuff.

Jack looked down and rubbed his wrist, the small motion allowing him time to try and decide what to say to Hammond. It was true he felt angry – and hurt. They'd locked him up without even asking his side of things. They'd simply assumed, based on a few words of a distraught woman, that he'd done that terrible thing. Still, he couldn't blame the General completely. He did have to maintain discipline and security. He sighed quietly. He wasn't quite sure what to think or feel.

"I'm sorry Jack", Hammond stood and looked down at the tired looking man in the bed. He didn't remember ever seeing O'Neill look quite so – defeated before. He'd seen him sick and on the point of death, but this time it was more his spirit that looked wounded rather than his body. "If it's any consolation, none of us believed that you'd done anything out of choice. We all knew that whatever had happened was because of some kind of alien drug or technology."

"That's nice of you Sir", he answered, placing his hands over his eyes. Okay, so he was being a jerk, but he figured he deserved to be after all he'd been through. "I appreciate the vote of confidence."

Hammond sighed but didn't say anything. Jack deserved to rub it in a bit – he owed the man that at least. He just hoped he'd be able to get over it eventually. After a couple of seconds of silence he spoke. "If it's any consolation, no one else knows anything about what happened. Janet and I kept it quiet."

"Yeah", Jack took his hands down from his eyes and finally looked at the General. "Yeah, that makes a difference Sir." He sighed again. "I know you didn't have a choice General, it's just -"

"I know", Hammond put his hand on Jack's shoulder, surprised when the man flinched and looked tense. He withdrew his hand. "We're going to get to the bottom of this, don't worry. I'm sending a team back to the planet to check out the object that seemed to cause this. Once I get my report that should be the end of it."

"What if it doesn't do anything? And who are you going to send? You can't take a chance that this will happen to someone else."

"I know, don't worry. I'm sending Lieutenant Hailey and Captain Pierce, Major Henry and Teal'c. Hailey and Pierce are the only ones who will approach the obelisk and Henry and Teal'c will stay well back and monitor and record everything. If it looks like anything is happening they'll intervene – from a distance."

"Well, I guess I hope _something_ happens, although I wouldn't want -" His voiced dropped off and Hammond simply nodded.

"I know."

"And Carter won't be charged with anything?"

"No. Honestly, if it had been the other way around it would have been more difficult, but with your strength and abilities it's pretty obvious that this had to have been caused by something - alien."

"I kinda wished you'd figured that out before locking me up", Jack answered with some bitterness. "Being accused of rape – even while under the influence of some alien doohickey hasn't been the best time I've ever had!"

"No, I understand Jack but remember -", he stopped. "Remember that now Major Carter has to deal with this."

He swore! God, he was so selfish that he forgot for a moment what she was going through. No, he didn't forget – he just put it out of his mind. He was too consumed with himself right now to want to deal with her pain. "I just hope you can find out what the hell that thing did to us."

"We will Jack, don't worry. In the meantime I just want you to get well and try and put this behind you. Dr. Frasier is on her way to take you for a CAT scan. After that she wants you to stay here for a couple of days to make sure there are no residual effects."

Jack wondered briefly what kind of effects she was talking about – from the device or from the – attack! He decided not to ask, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

"Jack, take all the time you need to deal with this. As of now SG1 is on stand down. I'm not going to order you to get counseling." He grinned slightly. "I know how much you like it, but I would highly suggest it. This is the sort of thing that I think you need help dealing with."

"Not MacKenzie!"

"No Jack – I wouldn't recommend him anyway." He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. "This is the name of a therapist at the Academy. He's good and has clearance. Others from here have been to see him and he's well liked and respected."

Jack looked at him in surprise. He wasn't aware of anyone who was seeing a therapist but then he realized he wouldn't. No one would want that known. He took the paper hesitantly, pretty sure he wouldn't avail himself of the therapist's services. It was just something he didn't do. "Thanks", he said briefly and caught Hammond's expression. He knew the General didn't hold out any hopes that he'd go either.

"I have to get back now but if there's anything you need, just let me know. We'll get through this Jack – just give it some time."

"Yes Sir", he said, with more duty than honesty. He watched as the General left and leaned back and let out his breath. Life really was crap.

He'd barely been back in his room after the CAT scan when there was another knock on his door. What the hell was this today? Usually people just walked in when he was in the Infirmary. "Come!" he shouted, although he really didn't want to see anyone else.

"Jack?" Daniel poked his head around the door, a worried frown on his forehead. "Can we come in?"

He assumed the 'we' included Teal'c and Jack _really_ didn't want to see either of them right now. If he blamed anyone it was these two. How could they have believed that of him? According to Janet Daniel had asked him if it was true and he'd confirmed it. He didn't remember that at all and was sure that Jackson had jumped to a wrong conclusion. He was hurt but in typical fashion it demonstrated itself as anger.

"Jack?" Daniel asked again when he was met with silence. If anything his frown grew. "Uh, can we come in?"

"Why bother asking Daniel", he muttered. "Seems like you hear what you want to from me anyway."

Daniel looked puzzled but pushed open the door and took a step in, closely followed by his shadow. Jack almost laughed at that – he almost expected Daniel to break out into a chorus of 'Me and My Shadow'.

"O'Neill", Teal'c said solemnly. As always his face was somewhat inscrutable although Jack knew him well enough by this time to see the worry and concern that was there as well.

"Teal'c", he responded quietly. He didn't say anything more.

"How are you doing?" Daniel asked awkwardly, grimacing slightly. None of them could remember a time when things were quite this uncomfortable between them, except perhaps after the incident when Jack had pretended to quit and work for Maybourne.

"Fine", Jack answered. He wasn't going to make this easy for his friends.

"Uh – good, that's good." There was another uncomfortable pause. It was Teal'c who finally jumped in.

"We are sorry O'Neill, that we misunderstood."

"No problem Teal'c", Jack waived his hand. "I'm sure it happens all the time. You know, it's got to be pretty easy to believe your friend is a rapist."

"We never believed that Jack!" Daniel took a step forward, looking upset. "We always thought it had something to do with the planet."

"Oh yeah – alien influence – I forgot. I guess that makes it okay then. So, now that we've established that I think I want to rest. It's been a busy day you know – being attacked your second in command, being accused by your best friends of attacking _her_, being handcuffed to your bed. Yeah, I think I could use a rest." He closed his eyes then and turned away from the two men in the room. He knew he was being unfair and a total jerk but he really couldn't help it – nor did he care. He felt miserable so everyone else could just damn well feel miserable along with him.

"O'Neill, that is unfair. We did not understand and yes, we jumped to an incorrect conclusion, but we did not do it out of any malice and, as Daniel Jackson has said, we never believed you would ever hurt Major Carter of your own volition."

Damn – why couldn't they just let him be pissed in peace? He opened his eyes and slowly turned back. "I know", he finally said, so softly his friends could barely hear. "I know you didn't but – it - . I just – I don't want to talk about it." He wearily rubbed his hands through his hair. "I'll get over this but I don't want to deal with it right now. I need some time – I – just give me some time, okay?"

Both of his friends looked both sad and hurt, but they nodded. "We understand Jack. Just please know that we've always been here for you. We wanted to come by earlier but Janet and the General wouldn't let us. We going to figure out what happened and then we can – well, maybe not forget about this, but certainly get past it."

"Yeah Danny", he breathed softly. Suddenly he really was tired and he wanted to sleep and forget everything. "Later, okay? I need to sleep."

Daniel took a step closer to the bed but decided to let it go for now. He wanted to reach out to Jack, who looked so sad and lost, but he didn't think the other man would respond at the present time. "Okay Jack. We'll be back though. Don't forget we _are_ your friends and we won't let anything happen to you."

"Kay", he responded sleepily. He was half-way gone already. Just before they left he opened his eyes and murmured. "Look after Sam." He then closed his eyes again and was immediately sound asleep.

"We will Jack", Daniel whispered. Teal'c looked at him and nodded. Even after all he had gone through the man still cared for his team.

* * *

"Are you sure Jack? I'm happy to go with you. I could use a break and your cabin sounds perfect."

Jack looked at him in surprise, and some skepticism. "Daniel, you hate my cabin."

"No I don't. I mean it's not _always_ my cup of tea, but right now it sounds great. I can bring along some books I've been wanting to read and just relax."

Jack shook his head slowly slightly amused at his friends' persistence. Teal'c had told him yesterday he'd developed a sudden interest in learning how to fish, even though he'd hated it before. "I am now ready to learn O'Neill", he informed the Colonel. "I believe it will be a useful skill for me to have."

"Useful? How?"

"If ever we become stranded, knowing how to fish is a fine skill to have."

"Yeah – so why haven't you wanted to learn it before? It seems to me you've gotten by just fine without knowing how to fish. And anyway, what about the mosquitoes?"

"I have purchased a large supply of Deep Woods Off. It is guaranteed to keep them away. So, shall I accompany you O'Neill?"

Jack sighed. "Thanks Teal'c, but no. Maybe another time okay? It's not really good fishing weather anyway."

"My understanding is that one can fish at any time."

"Uh well – not really. Look I appreciate it Teal'c, I really do but I'd rather just go by myself."

So now Daniel was trying! He wouldn't be at all surprised if General Hammond and Doc Frasier also came up with some reason why they should go with him. He knew his friends were all worried about him, but he really did just need some time alone.

"Thanks Daniel", he slapped his friend gently on the back. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'll be okay, I promise."

Daniel looked at him closely, wanting to make sure that Jack wasn't just giving him his usual 'everything's fine' line. The man looked like he'd aged ten years in the past couple of weeks, but he didn't look the way he had when Daniel had met him before that first Abydos trip, so he sighed and nodded. "Okay Jack, but you know we're here for you right?"

"Of course Danny."

He'd been released from the Infirmary after two days, although he had been under strict instructions to stay in Colorado Springs. He'd also had to take Daniel home with him to monitor him in case his brain went wonky from the alien technology. Fortunately it was fine – at least as fine as it normally was.

Janet had found some anomalies in their CAT scans – but they had cleared up after a few days and hadn't seemed to leave any residual effects. At least he was _pretty_ sure that if anyone asked him to do something weird he'd be able to refuse. After that everything appeared normal, and he was given his freedom. What he didn't tell anyone is he still continued to have nightmares which were all about Carter attacking him again.

He hadn't seen her since her visit in the Infirmary and didn't want to. Janet had assured him that she was doing okay, although he doubted that was quite true. Sadly, he couldn't deal with worrying about her but he figured that was okay as he knew that Teal'c, Daniel and Janet were watching out for her. He was also pretty sure she didn't need to see him right now. Like him, she needed her space. He would only be an uncomfortable reminder of what had happened.

"So, you're sure you're okay to go by yourself?"

Jack came back to the present and looked at Daniel. "I'm fine Daniel. I've been to my cabin alone lots of times. Look, I'll be in touch in a couple of weeks."

The time away did him good. He was able to relax, at least some of the time, and spent the rest of the time _not_ thinking about what had happened. He knew he was doing his avoidance thing but didn't care. He would deal with it – later! The nightmares continued to come, with some regularity though and those he couldn't ignore. He cursed the day they'd gone to that planet.

* * *

He returned to Colorado Springs and walked into his house, glad to be home – at least that's what he told himself. For some reason, which he refused to think about, being home in Colorado Springs brought home the fact that he was all alone, much more so than did his cabin.

While _not _thinking about that he rummaged around for something to eat but eventually realized he'd have to head to the store to pick up some groceries. Either that or order pizza! No, he needed to eat healthy. He didn't want to start putting on weight, especially since he'd been off work for a few weeks now.

As he sat eating his dinner he thought about tomorrow. He was to head to the Academy hospital where he was to meet one Captain Jeffery Emil. Captain Emil was a therapist and, from what he'd been able to discover, had experience dealing with 'traumatic events experienced by active duty military personnel'. In other words, he dealt with cases of trauma, torture and sexual assault. He cringed when he thought about it, and seriously debated blowing off the appointment. The only problem with that was he wouldn't be able to go back to full duty unless first cleared by the therapist. So much for Hammond's not making it an order.

To be fair, O'Neill knew it wasn't really Hammond's fault. He was pretty sure the order had come down from on high. They'd been willing to overlook what had happened, especially after the results from the planet, but he knew they were nervous and that they wanted to make sure that this episode wouldn't hit the fan at a future date. By forcing him to get therapy they were covering their butts in case anything else happened.

The team that had gone to planet Amazonia – his name for it –had found the obelisk. They'd spent time analyzing it but nothing had happened until Hailey had actually touched it. At that point she'd turned on Pierce, who was standing next to her. According to the reports what happened next was quite – interesting. She'd demanded that Pierce follow her and when he wouldn't, she told him to strip – that she wanted to 'copulate' with him. He hadn't touched the obelisk and backed away from her immediately. When he refused to cooperate she grew angry and then violent. It took Teal'c, Henry _and_ Pierce to subdue her. Her strength was phenomenal and she fought the entire way to the gate. Once they took her through the gate they hoped that she'd settle down but she didn't. They'd had to restrain her until the effects finally wore off, which took almost 48 hours. Janet hypothesized that by not 'completing' what the device wanted to have happen it had increased Hailey's anger and desperation.

Pierce was okay, although rather freaked out by the whole thing. Janet couldn't help but think of the Colonel, knowing that what he'd been through was much worse and yet he'd handled it – at least outwardly – better than Pierce. She knew that wasn't fair, as the Colonel was older and more experienced. Still, it spoke to the strength of the man. Hailey was okay once the effects of the device wore off, but Janet was convinced she was embarrassed by the whole event. She was certainly avoiding Pierce like the plague.

Jack was glad that the experiment had proven that he and Carter were telling the truth, although he was sure that the story was probably all over the SGC now. He didn't relish returning to the looks, the whispers and –from some of the men – the sniggers. It was times like these that it hit him again how much work they still had to do in the military when it came to issues of sexual harassment and assault.

He wondered briefly – again – how Carter was doing. He hoped she was planning to get some help, knowing that she was full of guilt over what had happened. He felt a pang of sadness when he thought of their team and how this had fractured things. He really didn't know whether he'd be able to work with her again.

It's not that he blamed her, at least not most of the time, but the memories and nightmares were driving him crazy. He hadn't had a decent night's sleep since the thing had happened. Every night his mind returned to the event. He could constantly see Carter's hate filled eyes looking at him, abusing him – and him without the power to stop it. He shuddered and stood up quickly. He had to find something to do and stop thinking about it. Maybe his garage needed to be cleaned?

* * *

He stood outside the plain brown door with the small nameplate and felt the same as he usually felt right before a battle. Okay – maybe that wasn't quite true. This actually felt worse. He reached out to the door knob but snatched his hand back quickly as soon as he saw it was shaking. He wiped his sweaty palms on his pant leg and tried again. You can do this O'Neill, he thought to himself. There's nothing here that's going to hurt you. He laughed. Yeah right! This might be the most dangerous thing he'd ever done.

With another breath he opened the door and walked in to an empty reception room. He gave a quick sigh of relief. He'd been expecting some efficient receptionist who would take one look at him and instantly know everything about him. Instead, all there was was a small sign on the desk which said to 'Please be seated. Dr. Emil will be with you shortly.'

Okay, he could do that. He sat and fidgeted. He looked over and picked up a Reader's Digest – it was only a couple of years old and might have some good jokes. He flipped through and set it down, unable to concentrate and certainly unable to laugh. He next picked up an old Sports Illustrated, flicked through the pages and put it down next. The Good Housekeeping magazine didn't interest him and he quickly put down 'Parenting' – last thing in the world he needed.

Finally, feeling like he was crawling out of his skin, he stood up. "Bad idea", he muttered to himself. He couldn't do this. He couldn't bare his soul to some nameless guy who didn't know what it was like out there. No – he'd tell Hammond that he couldn't do it and he'd retire. Yeah, that was best.

"Colonel O'Neill?"

The voice startled him. He hadn't heard anyone come from the inner office and for a moment wondered if he was losing his touch. He should have heard the man.

"Uh yeah", he answered, still poised to turn and run.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Emir – but you can call me Jeff." The man put out his hand and Jack stared at it for a minute before carefully reaching forward and giving it a quick shake. For some strange reason, ever since 'Amazonia', he'd developed an aversion to touching anyone.

"Uh hi."

"I'm sorry about the receptionist – or lack of one. I find it just makes people nervous. Come on in."

It was only as Dr. – ur Jeff – moved away that Jack noticed his severe limp. He followed the man in anyway, figuring he could leave at any point. He sat in a chair facing the other man – he noticed that there wasn't really a desk in the room – just a group of comfortable chairs. Oh yeah – he was in a therapist's office all right.

Jack glanced around the room as the other man picked up some papers. He noticed a number of small objects on a shelf and was surprised to recognize the small yellow figurines.

"You noticed my Simpsons", laughed the Doctor. "I'm afraid I have a confession to make. I'm a huge fan of the show. I figure Homer is probably one of the most brilliant psychologists of our time."

Jack stared at him, not quite sure how to respond, although he could feel his anxiety ease a little bit. Still, it would take more than the guy liking the Simpsons to make this palatable. "Yeah", he muttered, not willing to say more at this time.

"So, I understand you work at Cheyenne Mountain – with the Stargate Program?"

"Yeah", Jack repeated. He closed his eyes briefly. The guy probably thinks I'm a moron.

"And you're a full-bird Colonel?"

He nodded, trying to change things up a bit.

"I see. You must have seen some amazing things. Are you with a field team?"

"Uh - yes." There – that was different.

"So, you've been through the gate?"

Jack was amazed that the doctor was able to maintain such a friendly, interested expression. He must feel like a dentist trying to pull particularly tough teeth. "Yes", he answered. Then, trying to help a bit he continued. "Many times."

"I see. I must admit I envy you. There's nothing I'd like more than the opportunity to travel like that, but unfortunately", he tapped his leg and Jack was surprised to hear the 'thud' of hard, synthetic material. "I'm afraid Iraq put an end to my career ambitions."

Jack looked up in surprise. "You were in Iraq?"

"Yeah, I was with an EOD unit there. Unfortunately I missed one and – here I am."

"But I thought you were a psychologist?" Jack asked, confused. He knew some might classify him as a walking time-bomb, but he really didn't think Hammond would have sent him to a guy who specialized in diffusing the damn things.

"Oh, I am. I studied psychology at college. When this happened – I went back and finished my training and got a job here. It helps that I've seen action. Makes the men and women I see feel they can trust me a bit better."

Jack nodded. It was true – he'd instantly felt better when he realized the guy had seen action, although he hoped that his second career wasn't something he'd just done because he had no choice.

"Of course, this is what I wanted to do from the beginning", he continued, as if in answer to Jack's silent question. "I just wanted to see some action first. So, now that you know something about me do you want to tell me a bit about yourself? Whatever you feel comfortable sharing."

Gah – there was that 'sharing' word. He should introduce this guy to Daniel. He didn't _share_ anything, except maybe a pizza with friends. As the silence grew however, he knew he'd have to say something if he wanted to get back to work.

"Uh – well, you know I'm a Colonel. I've worked at Cheyenne for a few years now. I live here – have a cabin in Minnesota. I like to fish." There, that should be enough.

"So, you're a Colonel who goes to other planets and likes to fish." Jeff jotted down some notes. "Sounds like a pretty good life to me, although I don't know much about fishing. Do you get to go to Minnesota very often?"

"Not as often as I'd like. I just got back from a couple of weeks there."

"Really? Did you have a good time?"

Jack shrugged. What difference did it make if he'd had a good time or not? "It was okay."

"I see." Jeff put his papers on the side table next to him and leaned forward, instantly causing Jack to lean back in his chair. The man was getting too close. If the Doc noticed he didn't say anything. "Look Colonel – I certainly am not going to force you to be here. I'm only here to help – if you want it – but I won't push. I know you've been through something traumatic" he held up his hand when Jack started to look angry. "I don't know any details. All I know is that General Hammond said one of his best officers had just been through something and might need someone to talk to. That's all I know. You don't have to tell me anything but I do want you to know that whatever you say remains between us."

Jack scowled. "Yeah, you me and the Air Force!"

"No – not the Air Force. I've already gone over that with General Hammond and he has agreed. These records will be completely sealed and no one will see them but you and me. In fact, if you want I won't keep any written records."

Jack regarded him carefully, wondering if he was serious. After a moment he gave a sharp nod. "I'd prefer if you didn't."

"Okay then – no records. Now, you don't have to give me your answer today, but think about whether or not you feel this can help you and whether you're willing to give it a try. If not, no hard feelings. I'll simply tell General Hammond that you weren't comfortable with me."

Damn! That's all he needed – to have Hammond think he was too much of a coward to do this. He gave a shuddering sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. He laughed softly – he was pretty sure he must look as if he just got out of bed since he'd done the hair thing repeatedly since he left home. "Just realized I must look – ridiculous", he told the doctor, pointing to his hair. "I can never keep it neat, especially when I'm – uh – "

"Uncomfortable?"

"Yeah – that."

"Don't worry. I tend to shred things when I'm nervous. Newspapers, magazines, bottle labels – none of them are safe."

Jack laughed self-consciously and went to put his hand up again, but stopped himself. He finally took a deep breath and looked directly at the man across from him. The Doc seemed like a decent sort and hell, what did he have to lose. You soul Jack, a small, internal voice answered him. But no, you've lost that already, he replied silently. If he wanted to return to work he knew he had to do this. Another small voice told him that maybe it would help. Just try it Jack. You can always leave.

"I have a team", he began softly…


	5. Small Steps

_**A serious disclaimer: I am not a trained therapist – and I know the issue I'm dealing with is both serious and sensitive. True counseling for these kinds of things often takes years – it is not an easy fix. I have condensed time and results for fictional purposes of this story – but please know I don't take the subject lightly. I will say that I have worked for many years as a group and individual peer counselor for parents who have lost children so do understand the process of grief and trauma and have used some of that in this story. Still – I don't want anyone to be upset or offended by my amateur attempts at showing therapy sessions. I will try to do it as respectfully and carefully as I can while remaining true to my story. Vini**_

Sam arrived back home, sweating and out of breath. She'd run for almost 10 miles, which wasn't unusual for her, but today she'd pushed it, running faster than normal. She knew it wasn't terribly smart but she needed something to stop herself from thinking, from remembering.

It had been almost three weeks since the incident on P8N 3Y9 and she didn't feel any better now than she had when they first got back to Earth. If anything she felt worse.

Janet had tried talking with her, as had Daniel and even Teal'c. The General had been kind and understanding and she'd wanted to scream. Didn't any of them understand what she'd done? Didn't they realize that she'd _tortured_ and abused her commanding officer, a man she admired, respected and – cared for? How could they look at her and think she was a good person, because she wasn't.

As she stood under the shower she wished that the water would wash away some of her guilt, but she knew it wouldn't happen. She deserved to feel guilty, to be filled with remorse and self-hatred. Everyone told her it wasn't her fault, that it had been the Amazon device that had somehow altered her - their brain waves, causing the – incident – to happen. Jennifer had tried to explain it to her – telling her that it was somehow calibrated to both male and female DNA and it reacted differently with each. Men were affected in a way that made them docile and obedient, while women were given strength and sexual desire, focused on whichever man was nearest.

Daniel explained that the Amazons most likely had a misandranistic society. When she'd looked at him blankly he explained that that meant 'man-hating'. "They hated men Sam – so the device somehow produced – uh – endorphins or something which created physical – you know – uh desire. It must have overcome their hatred, allowing them to – reproduce."

Poor Daniel had been so uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as she was when she thought back to what she'd experienced. That must be why she'd felt such a combination of hatred and desire for the Colonel. What she hadn't told anyone, and which was the source of much of her guilt, was that the desire wasn't something that the machine had caused.

No – how did she explain that she'd felt those feeling for the Colonel for a long time. When the device had hit, there had been a part of her that reveled in her lack of control, her inability to stop herself – and that part had been pure Sam Carter – not some automaton programmed by that machine. Oh, of course she hadn't wanted to _hurt_ him, but she had wanted to love him.

She dried herself off and slowly got dressed, trying to figure out what the hell she was going to do. She knew there was no way she could work with the Colonel, not now. She couldn't look at him and remember what she'd done. She couldn't remember his eyes – or his body. No, it was best if she asked to be removed from his team. It would be better for him, easier. He certainly wouldn't want someone around who had hurt him like that.

Daniel and Teal'c told her that he'd gone to his cabin but that he seemed to be doing okay. Of course he did! The Colonel was a master at pretending things were fine. He'd laugh and joke and say life was good, and inside he'd be full of pain and anguish. The best thing she could do for him was to stay out of his way and let him get on with his life. He'd be grateful, she was sure.

Once she was dressed she – didn't know what to do. She was on leave until further notice. She'd been told by Hammond that she had to go for counseling to deal with what had happened. It was a requisite for being allowed back to work. She wondered briefly if the Colonel had been given the same order. If so, he might never go back. She knew – they all knew – what he thought of any kind of counseling.

Well, in this case she agreed with him. She really didn't think she could handle it either. There was no way she'd tell anyone – especially not someone connected to the Air Force – that she'd lusted after her CO and she thinks that was maybe why she attacked him!

So, what to do? She sat on her couch, staring at a blank TV screen and tried to decide. She lost track of time and sat there for hours, the day getting later and darker. It was only when she discovered she could no longer see clearly that she realized how long she'd been sitting. With a sad smile she finally stood. She knew what she had to do.

* * *

"It's good to see you again Colonel", Jeff put out his hand and waited for a moment before O'Neill shook it. "Have a seat."

This was the third time Jack had been to see the therapist. During his first two sessions he'd told the man things about his team and some of their missions. Since Emil had clearance he was able to tell him quite a bit, although there were still lots of things he left out. Still, he figured he'd given the man enough to give him an understanding of what he did and the relationship he had with his team mates.

"So, you told me all about Daniel Jackson and Teal'c. It sounds like they're good friends of yours?"

Jack sat thinking for a moment about the two men. Would he simply call them friends? They had both become more than that – they were – brothers. "Yes, good friends", was how he answered. "They're – the best."

"And you trust them?"

"With my life!" Jack answered, quickly and definitively. "In fact, I have, many times."

"I see. Now, you mentioned a third member of your team – Sam Carter? You didn't say very much about him. Do you not consider him a close friend?"

"Her."

"Pardon me?"

"Sam Carter is a 'she' not a 'he'. It's Samantha but everyone calls her Sam."

"I see."

Jack scowled at him. "What do you mean by that?"

"Mean? Nothing. I just thought Sam was a man but now I understand. You mentioned her a few times but not in very much detail. Is she a new member of your team?"

"No. She's been there since the beginning – since before Teal'c actually."

"I – uh, okay. Can you tell me a bit about her?"

"What's to tell? She's a good soldier, smart – really, really smart. In fact, she's a genius – an astrophysicist."

"And – anything else?"

"No – I mean, she's a good soldier."

"You said that. Uh, how does she get along with the other members of your team? Is she close to them?"

"With Daniel and Teal'c? Yeah, she's friends with them. I mean, we're all friends – we all get along."

"But not as closely as you and the two men."

"Huh? Well – yeah. I mean, it's different of course. She's a woman – but she's a good soldier."

"Do you have trouble with having a woman on your team? Does it cause some – problems?"

"Hell no! I mean, I had more trouble with her being a scientist – she's an astrophysicist – did I tell you that? I had more trouble with that than with the fact that she's a woman."

"I see. So no problems because she's a woman, just because she's a scientist?"

"No. I mean - well, maybe sometimes. I mean – the scientist part has saved our butts lots of times so I don't have trouble with that anymore."

"So when you say sometimes you mean the – woman part?"

"No – look, I respect her. She's a good soldier – a great soldier in fact. I've never had trouble with her being a woman. In fact I don't really think about it." His voice faded out at the end and he closed his eyes. Okay, that didn't even sound truthful to him.

"You don't think about it?"

Jack didn't respond. He suddenly found it rather difficult to breath and wanted nothing so much as to get out of here. Jeff was getting too close and he – he couldn't deal with this. Not now, not yet – hell, maybe never. "Can't we talk about something else?" he finally grated out. "Carter is fine, okay. She's - just a member of my team."

"Just?" Jeff looked at him speculatively for a few seconds and then changed the subject. "Colonel, do you have trouble getting close to people?"

"What? I already told you about some of my close friends."

"I don't mean emotionally, I mean physically. Do you have trouble touching people or having them touch you?"

"Physically? What do you mean? I don't have trouble. I mean, when it's appropriate. I don't just go around _touching_ people. Hell, I'd get charged for harassment."

"I've just noticed you seem uncomfortable when I get close to you."

"Hey, I don't know you that well. I'm not about to reach out and hug you!" Jack was starting to get angry. Why was the guy asking such stupid questions?

"Colonel – maybe I'm wrong here, but you seem rather jumpy. If I am wrong I'm sorry."

"Well you are." Jack suddenly stood up. "I think I'd better be going. I have – things to do."

"Will you be back?" Jeff asked bluntly. He'd very obviously hit a nerve and he was hoping the man in front of him would realize that he did need help. There was something very wrong here but he could only help if the Colonel was willing to accept it.

"I – maybe. I just – "

"What is it? Did what I said bother you?"

"Bother me? Look – I don't think I need to be here. This is crazy. I'm fine – I just needed some rest and I'll be okay. I don't want to waste your time."

"You're not wasting it Colonel – but I don't think you are fine. I think there's something that's bothering you. I'm willing to listen, but only when you're ready to tell me. I'll be here whenever you feel like talking."

Jack gave a sharp nod and turned towards the door. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jeff stand and walk towards him. He couldn't help it – he flinched and quickly stepped away. He did it without thinking, purely out of a sense of self-preservation.

That thought immediately caused him to stop. What the hell was going on? The doctor was right – he _did_ have trouble with physical contact – something that had never bothered him in the past. In fact, if anything he'd always been a bit of a touching kind of guy. So why now? Why all of a sudden? He had an instant vision of her eyes – her hate-filled eyes staring at him, laughing at him. Then her hands – hurting him, doing – things to him; her mouth licking, teeth biting – causing ecstasy one moment, pain the next. He unconsciously reached up and rubbed his chest. He'd been unable to look at himself since the bandages had come off. He knew there were scars.

He sucked in a breath and leaned up against the door. Oh God!

"Jack?" Jeff's voice reached past his horror and made him look up. He didn't know how long he'd been standing there but he knew it was longer than it should have been. "Are you alright?"

Was he? Was he really okay –was everything 'fine' like he'd told Daniel and Teal'c, Janet and Hammond? Did he have to simply suck this up and everything would go back to normal? That's the philosophy he'd lived by for years and suddenly he didn't think it would work anymore.

"No", he answered softly. "I think – I think I need help Doc."

"That's what I'm here for. Why don't you sit down and tell me about it. Just tell me what you can or what you want to. There's no hurry."

Jack nodded and finally made himself return to the chair. He slowly lowered his body into it and leaned forward and put his face into his hands. "I – you're right", he said softly. "I – have trouble with – anyone getting close to me."

"Is this something new Jack?"

He sat up then and glanced at the Doctor, wondering why he'd suddenly become 'Jack' rather than Colonel. He realized that it made the conversation more personal and that made him uncomfortable – which he was pretty sure was the Doc's plan. He sighed – Jeff was good. "Yes", he spoke abruptly. "Since our last mission."

"I see – and did something happen on that last mission?"

"Yes."

"Is it something you want to talk about?"

"No."

"Okay. Then why don't we talk some more about your team. You seemed pretty comfortable talking about them."

"Yeah – they're good." He could feel his racing heart begin to calm. "I'll have to introduce you to Daniel sometime. He reminds me of you."

"And Major Carter?"

His jaw clenched and his heart started racing again. "Yeah – uh, you kinda remind me of her too."

"I do? How?"

Damn – the man was up to something. "Oh, I don't know. You're both smart – too smart I think."

"Too smart?" Jeff laughed. "Now what does that mean?"

"Well – sometimes it's safer to be dumb, like me. You can stay out of trouble a lot easier."

"Colonel, I think there are two things wrong with that statement. One, you're far from dumb and two, I doubt if being smart gets you into any more trouble than – not being smart. In fact, I suspect it's the opposite."

"Yeah – well – I don't know. Now Teal'c – he's usually pretty good about staying out of trouble. He kind of knows how to – blend."

"Blend?"

"Not cause trouble – just be quiet and calm – you know – blend."

"And do you – uh – blend?"

"Me?" Jack laughed. "Oh no – my team will tell you that I'm just the opposite. I'm really good at pissing people off."

"And that brings trouble?"

"Sometimes – but usually it diverts attention."

"From what?"

"Uh – from my geniuses", he answered, a note of pride creeping into his voice.

"Your geniuses? I assume you mean Carter and -"

"Daniel. They're both brilliant, although in different ways. You see, if I can divert attention away from them, it keeps them safe and lets them figure out a solution to whatever jam we're in."

"So, you protect them and allow them to do what they do best?"

"Teal'c, he and I are the muscle – the protection. I also piss people off but Daniel and Sam – they're the ones who usually end up saving the world."

Jeff smiled, until he noticed the Colonel's serious expression. He suddenly realized the man wasn't exaggerating. God, no wonder he'd been told this man was a priority client and to drop everything and help him. The instructions had come from the top – the very top – and he'd wondered at the time what made this man so special. He was starting to understand. "So, they save the world? They must be pretty special."

"Oh yeah", Jack smiled, thinking about his two scientists. "Daniel – he's the reasoner. He tries to figure everything out from a human perspective. He sees the best in most people – although he hates the Goa'uld after what happened with his wife. Anyway, he always tries to use reason and logic – oh, and history – to work things out."

"But that doesn't always work."

"No – there are a lot more bad guys out there than he believes."

"And Carter?"

"Carter?" Jack grinned. "She's my miracle worker. You should see her when things are really bad. By bad I mean when Earth is on the verge of being destroyed or we've been captured by aliens who are about to kill us. That's when her brain kicks in to high gear."

"And when you start 'diverting'?"

"Yeah", Jack laughed. "Drives Daniel crazy. Anyway, instead of freezing, Carter instantly starts doing calculations or something in her brain. It's way past my understanding but it's a joy to see. She'll get this little frown between her eyes", he pointed a finger at his own forehead, "and then, a few minutes later will tell me she has an idea. She always warns me that it might not work – but it usually does. If it doesn't, then she almost always figures something out."

"And when she doesn't?"

Jack frowned this time. "Well, that's usually when I have to blow something up – or _really_ piss people off. They get so mad they make a mistake and then we can usually find a way out."

Jeff had the suspicion that Carter and Jackson weren't the only geniuses on the team. O'Neill downplayed his own abilities, but he was obviously a master at tactics – and at using people to their best advantage. At the least he was a brilliant leader. "So, sounds like you're pretty proud of them?"

"Of course. I have the best team – hell, anywhere. If it wasn't for them -"

"The Earth would be lost?"

"Yeah", he answered simply. "And so would I." Crap – that came out on its own. He really hadn't meant to say that.

"What do you mean?"

The Doc had instantly picked up on it. Damn therapists! "Nothing."

"Colonel – that didn't sound like 'nothing' to me. In fact, that sounded like a pretty deep statement. Can you tell me what you meant by it?"

He looked anywhere but at the Doctor, debating whether to say anymore. He wasn't here to discuss the past – at least not the far distant past. He'd dealt with what had happened with his son and with Sara. It was old news and he didn't need to go there. No, this was about his most recent mission. It had nothing to do with the other.

"Doesn't mean anything Doc. I was just – when we started I'd had a bit of a rough time. Getting a good team, saving the Earth – it just – helped."

"Helped?"

"Yeah – _helped_. Look, I'm not here to talk to you about old news. I've dealt with all that, okay?"

"All what? Look Colonel – I'm really not trying to pry, but everything in your life is related. Things that happened a long time ago can still jump up and bite you in the ass, especially if you've experienced some new – event - that may have triggered something."

"Nothing was triggered", he said angrily. "Look, it's all in my records, which I'm surprised you haven't read. In fact, you probably just have to look me up on the internet to find it. Before the program I – lost my son. He was killed when – when he shot himself with my gun. I had some trouble for a while but then I got involved in the program and it – helped. It has nothing to do with this present situation."

He couldn't look at Jeff – couldn't stand to see the pity and compassion in his eyes. It was one of the reasons he never spoke about it, never spoke about his son. He was more than afraid that one day he'd see that compassion and break down. He didn't know then if he could pick himself back up.

"I'm sorry Colonel", Jeff said softly. "I – can't imagine how difficult that must be. I really didn't mean to pry and we won't go there if you don't want. But you _do _want to deal with this latest event, whatever it is?"

"I – yeah, I guess so."

"Alright, let's get back to your team. They certainly sound pretty special – and each of them plays a vital role on that team?"

"That's what makes us the best", he answered simply, and without conceit. "Most people think we're a strange bunch – especially some of the more hard-line military folks. I used to get teased about having an alien and a civilian scientist on my team."

"But not anymore?"

Jack grinned. "Oh no – now they're all jealous."

"So, if you lost any one of them, you wouldn't have as strong a team?"

Jack froze. God – he hadn't thought of that but it was true. How could they go one without each of them? "I – guess not."

"And are you in danger of – losing your team?"

Jack glared. Jeff – Dr. Emil – must know something. "Somebody talked to you! Somebody told you something!"

"No – only you Colonel. I just got the feeling that things weren't totally right on your team."

"Why? I didn't say anything was wrong. I told you about how great they all are, how smart. Why would you think there was something wrong?"

"You tell me."

"No – don't pull that crap on me! What did you hear?"

Jeff took a deep breath and then let it out. They were finally getting somewhere, although he knew he could lose this man at any time. "I heard only what you told me Jack", he said. "You talked a lot about Teal'c and Daniel, but barely touched on Sam Carter. Anytime her name came up – except at the end when you were telling me about her ability to save the world - you tensed up. I knew something was wrong from that. That's all I know."

Nothing was said for the longest time. It grew so quiet Jack could begin to hear the thudding of his own heart. It was beating way too fast and he knew that now was the moment. He could either push everything back down, stand up and leave – or stay and face the truth. Leaving would mean the end of it. He'd push the memories back down to lie with those of Charlie and Sara, Iraq and Cromwell, and all the other things he really didn't want to face.

Or – he could take a deep breath, prove he had some balls, and tell the man across from him what had happened. Maybe he really could help. Would it hurt to try? The other method hadn't been the greatest and he really doubted there was any room left down there with those other memories.

"It – was on our last mission …"


	6. The Wayward Major

_**Happy New Year everyone! Thank you all for the lovely reviews. I'll start getting back to people tomorrow. **_

She picked at her salad, not hungry but knowing she should eat. She took one more bite and then gave up. It was no use. Just then a knock sounded on the door, giving her an excuse to get up and leave her meager lunch sitting lonely and mostly untouched.

"Janet!" She stared at her friend, wondering why in the world she was here. She tried to think whether or not she they'd had a date to go for dinner or something. "Uh – were we -"

"Aren't you going to invite me in?" Janet asked, her eyebrow raised. She was shocked at the appearance of her friend. Sam looked like she'd lost at least ten pounds and she had already been almost too thin to begin with.

Once they settled in, coffee cups in hand, Janet looked at the woman who had become like a sister to her and spoke bluntly. "What's going on Sam?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you look like hell, you haven't been in to see me, you haven't talked to Daniel or Teal'c for days – and I doubt you've gone for any kind of counseling. What are you doing to yourself Sam?"

"I'm not doing anything. The General told us we were on stand down until further notice. You told me to take it easy. So, that's what I've been doing – taking it easy."

"Sam, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You've lost weight, you have dark circles under your eyes, your hands are shaking – you're a mess." Janet leaned forward and put her hand over her friend's. You need to talk to someone."

"I'm talking to you aren't I?"

"Sam – come on. You know what I mean."

"I don't _need_ to talk to anyone Janet. I'm fine."

"You've definitely been hanging around the Colonel for too long!" She could have bitten her tongue when she realized what she'd said. Sam looked like she was ready to jump up and flee.

"Look Janet, is there a reason you're here? Because if not, I really have things to do. Thanks for coming by." She stood up and cleared the cups off the table. "Say hi to Cassie for me."

"Sam -"

"No Janet – I told you I'm fine. If I develop a cold or a stomach ache I'll give you a call. Otherwise please, just let me handle things on my own."

Janet stood up, looking frustrated. "Okay Sam, if that's what you want." She reached into her purse and pulled out a scrap of paper. "In case you change your mind, here's the name of a counselor. I suggest you call her."

Sam leaned back against the inside of her front door, feeling like she'd just run a marathon. Janet had been gone for only a few minutes but she still felt panicked. Part of her knew that what Janet said was the truth – but a bigger part of her refused to listen. There was no way anyone could help her, because she didn't deserve to be helped.

It had taken her a long time to come to a decision, but now that she had, she knew it was the right one. She couldn't go on like this and knew it would be better for everyone if she was gone. Maybe starting over would help her too.

She picked up the phone and dialed. "General Hammond please."

* * *

"What do you mean she's gone?" Jack looked at Daniel as if he'd grown two heads. "You mean she's gone to visit her brother?"

"No – I mean she quit. She's left the SGC – hell, she's left the Air Force."

"No way – there must be some mistake. I expect she's just taken a leave or something."

"Jack, I spoke with Hammond directly. He told me that Sam handed in her resignation. I went over to her house immediately and she's gone. Her neighbor told me she took off yesterday."

"Damn her!" Jack slammed his fist into the wall. "Why didn't she talk to me? What is she doing?"

"I think she did it for you Jack", Daniel said gently. "She told Hammond that it would be better for you if she wasn't around, that you wouldn't want to see her."

"That stupid idiot!" he practically shouted. "How could she possibly think that I wouldn't want her around? It wasn't her fault – she knew that. It was those fucking aliens that did this, not her."

"Would you have felt that if the situation were reversed", the younger man asked. "You know you'd be feeling guilty as hell if it had been you. You just need to find her, to bring her back and talk to her."

"I don't know where she's gone!" he cried.

"No, but you can find out", Teal'c said, speaking for the first time. "It cannot be that difficult. There aren't that many places she can go."

Jack stared in frustration at his friends. They were looking at him expectantly, as if he should know what to do and instantly rush out and do it. It was true – he could probably find her if he looked. But, as angry as he was, there was something inside of him that felt – relieved. He had worried about seeing her, about having to work with her. Now, he didn't have to. He could put the whole episode behind him and get on with his life.

A life without Samantha Carter in it, a small voice told him. Was that better? Would he prefer not to see her bright face, hear her excitement, her joy at finding new things, see her doing what she could to help her country, her planet. Could he get by without hearing her say 'Sir' or 'Colonel' in that tone of voice she used only for him. What about going to her lab and bugging her, teasing her, getting his daily dose of Carter?

But he'd never have to see those eyes that looked at him with such hatred. He could chose to forget what had happened, what she had done. Did he want to see her, to remember, to live again the humiliation and pain? Maybe it was for the best that she leave. It would probably be better for her as well. She could get over this faster if she didn't see him and be reminded every day.

"Jack?"

He turned to Daniel. "If she wants to leave I don't think it's up to us to go and find her. It was her choice Daniel. Leave her be."

"_Jack_!"

"What?"

"How can you say that? It's Sam we're talking about. You have to go after her."

"O'Neill, Daniel Jackson is correct. You must find her and bring her back."

* * *

Later that day, as he sat by himself in his darkening living room, he thought back to his conversation with his friends. He knew they were angry with him, that they thought he didn't care. The fact was, he cared too much. He cared about Sam – about what happened to her, and he worried that he would be selfish, that they'd all be selfish in bringing her back.

"God!" he stood up and walked to the window. What to do? He needed to talk to someone – to figure this out. He needed a neutral party, someone to help him through this.

* * *

"Jack? Come in, come in."

He hesitated for a moment and then nodded and walked forward. "I'm sorry about this. I didn't want to bother you."

"It's okay", Jeff told him, directing him to sit down. "You'll just have to excuse the mess. I – uh – I haven't gotten around to cleaning up yet."

Jack looked around the man's small apartment and suddenly felt guilty for disturbing him. He'd called, feeling a desperate need to talk – but he should have waited until the next day and seen the man in his office.

"Have a seat – and please don't feel badly about coming over. I wasn't doing anything anyway and it's nice to have a bit of company."

Jack looked at him skeptically. "Yeah sure – nothing like a little angst to liven up your evening."

Jeff laughed and sat down. "Well, you're certainly not a boring person Colonel, and if there's anything I hate it's being bored!"

Jack nodded distractedly. Now that he was here, he didn't know what to say. He still hadn't told the Doc about Amazonia and didn't know if he could.

"Why don't you just tell me why you called Jack", the other man said softly. "I'm here to listen, not to judge."

He lifted his head and looked at the therapist. "She left", he said simply. "She's gone, and I don't know whether I should try and get her to come back or whether it's kinder to let her go."

After a few heartbeats of silence Jeff spoke. "Carter?" was all he said.

O'Neill gave a quick nod and then stood up. He walked over to the book shelves against the wall and proceeded to look at the various books, although he couldn't have said what was actually there. It could have been anything from War and Peace to The Art of War – to Superman comic books. All he knew was he couldn't look at the other man.

After a moment he turned and took a deep breath. "Yeah", he said softly. "Carter."

"Can you tell me why she left?"

"I don't know", he answered. He smiled slightly and went on. "I mean – I know why she left – I just don't know if I can tell you."

"Look Jack – you know I'm not going to pressure you – this has to be in your own time. But I think you _want_ to tell me. I think you need to – not for my sake, but for your own – your own and Carter's. Why don't you relax and close your eyes. I'll turn down the lights – it might make it easier for you."

"Don't you think people might talk Doc? I mean, we don't know each other that well yet!"

Jeff gave a small laugh but went and turned most of the lights off. It was suddenly dark – with only a small amount of light coming through the window and from a small hallway light. It did make him feel safer, more anonymous. The Doc was right, he did need to tell him and it might as well be now.

He sat down slowly, feeling like an old man. Leaning back he closed his eyes and began to speak. "It was just a normal mission …"

After he was finished he didn't know whether to feel relieved or sick. Although he left out a lot of details, Jeff hadn't let him avoid them all. He'd also confessed how he'd felt – how he still felt. A great wave of shame washed over him and he was glad the lights were out. He didn't want the Doc to see what a weak man he was.

"You know that your reactions, that everything that happened was beyond your control, right?" a soft voice came out of the dark and said what everyone had been saying.

"Yeah, I know", he answered glibly, falsely. He was pretty sure that Jeff would catch that lie really quickly.

"You say you know, but you don't believe it. Why?"

"Why? Because – because I'm _supposed_ to be in control. I told you – I'm the, the protector. But I couldn't protect her – hell, I couldn't even protect myself. I let a woman – a woman half my size _rape_ me for God's sake. What am I? A man or a – a nothing!"

"Jack, you didn't _let_ her do anything. The machine made you respond that way. According to what you say it controlled your brain patterns, and you were forced to lose all ability to be in control."

"I should have been able to control it, myself. I've been trained in mind control techniques for God's sake. I shouldn't have let it do that to me!"

"Does that also mean that you believe Major Carter should have been able to resist, to control herself?"

His question was immediately followed by dead silence. Jack stared at him, frozen. Is that what he'd meant? Did he think that? He got up quickly and returned to the book case. After a moment – when that didn't work – he walked to the window and looked out on the quiet street below.

"Jack?"

"I don't know", he finally said. "Maybe."

"You blame her?"

"NO!" He swiveled back to face the doctor. "No I don't blame her. She couldn't help herself and she would have if she could. She was – she is my friend. She would never hurt me – never. She couldn't help herself."

"Do you really believe that? A moment ago you said you thought she _could_ help herself."

"I don't know! What do you want me to say? Most of the time I know – I _know_ she wouldn't have done it. Then other times – usually when I'm just falling asleep or waking up I think – maybe she did want to hurt me. Maybe she hates me, resents me. What if she's pretended all these years and she was glad of the chance to hurt me."

"Or to love you."

If the silence previously had been thick with emotions, this time it was a virtual vacuum. There was no sound, no motion – and, for Jack, no feeling.

"What?" he whispered.

"Were there more to your feelings for Sam then you've told me?" he said gently. "Was there something between you before this mission?"

He went to deny it – to shout at the Doctor to tell him to mind his own business, to get a different job and stop putting lies into his mouth. But something stopped him. For all Jack's faults, and he knew they were many, lying had never been one of them. He slowly raised his head and regarded the other man.

"I – don't know about her", he whispered softly. "I just – I felt for her more than I'm supposed to", he said, echoing another time and place. "Nothing ever happened. I wouldn't do that to her. I respect her too much – care for her too much. She's a soldier under my command and I'd never – I wouldn't."

"But you cared for her? Loved her?"

Jack nodded and sat down slowly on the chair by the window. "Yeah", he murmured. "She – I told you she was the genius on my team, the miracle worker. She was also the heart – my heart. I used to love to go and watch her work. Oftentimes she didn't even know I was there she was concentrating so hard. Her smile – it would light up a whole room. And she loved to laugh – especially at me. I could always make her laugh. And her eyes –" He swallowed – God no, he didn't want to think about those eyes. Not now – not ever.

"Jack? What is it?"

"I – loved her eyes", he answered, as if the words were dragged from him. "She has the most beautiful blue eyes you've ever seen."

"And?"

"And now – all I can remember is them looking down at me with – hatred and – lust. I" he stood up again. "I see them every night in my dreams, my nightmares. God Doc – what do I do? I don't know what to do."

Jeff looked at him in compassion, wishing he had an easy answer. He suddenly felt lost and unsure himself. Since he'd been working with the men and women from the SGC he'd heard some wild tales, but nothing like this. He didn't know what to tell the other man – who was clearly looking for help.

"Do you know how Major Carter was – before she left?"

"No, not really. I haven't seen her since right after – when she came to my room. The others – Daniel, Teal'c, Janet – they were watching out for her. I – I couldn't see her. I didn't _want_ to see her."

"Maybe she knows that. It could be that that's why she left – she thought it was what you wanted."

"That's what Daniel said", he replied softly. "But I didn't want that. At least – I don't think I did, although", he raised his head and looked directly at the Doctor. "I was a little relieved when I heard she'd gone", he confessed. "I thought it might make it easier. But it hasn't. I'm – Doc, I'm scared."

"I know and you have a right to be scared Jack. What you went through – that would be hard for anyone. It makes it even more difficult that it was a friend, someone you cared about, that did this to you, even if it wasn't her fault. I also think you needed some time and space away from each other – but now I think you need to confront each other and begin to deal with this – together. She's going to continue to feel guilty- and you are going to continue to feel – frightened and lost – unless you can forgive each other and begin to -"

"Forget?"

"No – I don't know if you'll ever forget – but you can put it into some perspective and learn to live with it – without guilt and without hatred or resentment. If you don't confront it with her – it will simply grow and fester and become worse."

Jack nodded. He knew that was the case – that that is exactly what would happen because that's what had happened with Sara, and all because he refused to confront what had happened and deal with it with her. It had destroyed his marriage. Now the question was – was he willing to let it destroy his friendship with Sam? Was he going to let one event – as horrible as it was – defeat them? And it hadn't been either of them at fault. It had been some stupid alien technology which they had happened to stumble upon. Was he _really_ going to let that destroy them?

"No", he answered himself. When he saw the Doc look worried he quickly explained. "I mean yes – I'll – confront it. I was saying no to myself, refusing to let this destroy what we have together as a team." When Jeff looked at him again with that – therapist – expression he sighed. "Okay and what Sam and I have together."

"Good for you Jack. You're a brave man."

"Or a foolish one", he shrugged. "Now I just have to find her."

"I'm sure you'll be able to do it. You're an ingenious person."

"Yeah – and an idiot." This time he stood and walked towards the door. At the last minute he turned and walked up to Jeff and stuck out his hand. The other man took it in surprise and shook it. "Thank you", Jack told him. "You're a good man."

"No – I just listened Jack – you did all the work". He stood stiffly and walked with him to the door. "You know that this isn't the end don't you? You aren't going to go home and suddenly everything will be fine. It's going to take time – time and a lot of work to get through this."

"I know Doc", Jack looked at him again and smiled. "I'll be back – although next time I'll go to your office. But it may not be for a few days. I have a runaway Major to find."

"Good luck", Jeff reached out and went to slap Jack on the back but his client flinched away. "Sorry", he said, remembering too late.

"It's – okay Doc. We can work on that later."

As Jack walked back to his truck he felt lighter, better than he had in a long, long time. Oh, he knew the Doc was right. It wasn't over – he had a long way to go. But things were finally on the right track. He was suddenly glad he'd decided to go for counseling. He would never tell this to all those people who had been encouraging him for years – but they were right. It helped.

As he got in his truck he sat for a moment and allowed himself to think about Sam. For the first time in weeks he pictured her eyes – those blue, blue eyes - and the memory was a pleasant one. He smiled and backed out of the driveway.


	7. One Step More

_**Thank you all for the lovely reviews! A few of you have mentioned that this isn't the simple story I mentioned at the beginning. Honestly, I did plan a short little 'aliens made them do it' story - quickly and easily resolved. As I got into it it took on a life of its own and here we are - a much more serious, angst filled story than I'd intended. I'm glad people seem to be enjoying it and it still won't be too long - I'll get back to my other story soon - but I do want it to not feel rushed.**_

**_Thank you again and - if I didn't say it - Happy New Year!_**

In the end it took him almost a week to find her. He'd used a number of contacts from his former black ops days to try and find out where she'd gone, but in the end all it had taken was a simple call to her brother. Carter hadn't told him not to tell anyone where she was – which surprised him, but made it easier to find her.

After he'd returned from his visit with Jeff he'd seen the light flashing on his answering machine. It had been Daniel of course, bugging him about going to look for Sam. A while later the phone had rung – and he'd let the machine get that one as well. Surprisingly, it had been Teal'c, informing him that he _had_ to find Major Carter.

He would have laughed at his friends if he hadn't been so irritated. Why did they think he should be the one to get her? Did neither of them think that maybe, perhaps _they_ could help find her? As he sat in his comfortable chair, beer in hand, he realized that they both knew it had to be him. Unfortunately, he agreed.

So here he was, walking down a muddy, narrow trail leading to the small cottage by the water. It turned out that Carter was staying at vacation home of a friend from her Academy days. The friend – or actually the friend's family – had a small place on the rocky coast of northern Maine. Jack was sure it would be pretty – if he could see it. As it was, he arrived just in time to get caught in a torrential downpour. It was also hellishly cold. Even though it was still officially autumn, the weather had changed and the rain almost felt like ice.

"And of course you'd stay in a place with no road", he muttered as he stepped in a giant mud puddle. He'd left his truck back in the small gravel drive at the end of the trail, right beside a small rental car which he assumed was Sam's. The day itself was no worse than some of the missions they'd been on – but on Earth he decided he really didn't want to have to put up with it.

"Oooph!" he stumbled over a hidden branch and went for an ungainly hop and then dance before regaining his balance. At least he hadn't fallen flat on his face. He'd hate to arrive covered in mud and sludge.

By the time he saw the cottage – sitting all alone on a small outcropping of rock – he was soaked to the skin. He hadn't been prepared for this much rain. Damn, but he should have brought his gear with him!

There was a light on, thank God so at least it looked like she was home. Even though it was only a little past 5:00 the storm made it seem much later. It was dark and –

He laughed. God – what a time to arrive. "It was a dark and stormy night", he muttered in his Lon Chaney voice. "Much too clichéd O'Neill", he said to himself.

He knew he was procrastinating. He needed to move his butt and knock on the door, resolve this thing and get back to the hotel. "Right Jack – as if it's gonna happen like that!" He stopped and peered at the building, almost invisible now in the fading light. "Okay – now's the time Jack – get moving."

Sam was sitting looking out the picture window at the grey and black sea which was roiling in torment from the storm. It looked like she felt – dark and lonely and anguished. She sighed and rubbed her face. She'd hoped that getting away would help. Instead the quiet gave her too much time to think, to remember.

At first the knock seemed to be part of the storm. It was only when it sounded again that she realized someone was actually at her door.

"Who the hell could this be?" she murmured, standing up. Her friend had worried about her being all alone in such an isolated spot but she'd assured her that she was well able to look after herself. Now however, she was unsure. Maybe it had been stupid to come out here alone. If she'd been on a mission she would have had her weapons – here she had nothing more than some kitchen knives and pots and pans. Who knew who or what could be prowling around.

She made her way slowly to the door when she heard the knock for a third time. "Okay, okay", she muttered. "I'm coming." She grabbed a frying pan from the counter where she'd left it drying and walked up to the door. Leaning over she looked through the peep hole. Yes – someone was out there all right. But who was it? Whoever it was had his – or hers possibly, although from the height she figured it was probably a man – hood pulled up over his head. He wasn't wearing a rain coat, which seemed to indicate it couldn't be anyone local. They knew enough to always have rain gear close by.

She was debating whether or not to unlock the door when the visitor put up his hand and flicked back his hood – and looked directly at the peep hole as if realizing he must seem rather menacing standing there with his face concealed.

She grabbed the handle and quickly unlocked the door. "Sir! Oh my God – what are you doing here?"

"Uh – standing and getting soaked to the skin. Can I come in Carter?"

"Oh – yes, of course." She stood back and watched as he dripped his way inside. "You're wet Sir."

"Always knew you were brilliant Carter", he said – although he didn't sound his usual sarcastic self. Instead, his voice sounded – gentle and sincere.

"Yes Sir", she answered, unsure of what was going on. "Uh – shall I get you a towel?"

"Sure", he answered, shaking out his hair. The droplets flew in all directions, including onto Sam's face. "Oh – sorry", he smiled slightly. "Uh – Carter?"

"Right." She quickly went down the hall to the bathroom and retrieved a fluffy towel. She returned to the door way and handed it to him. Reaching out to take hold of his jacket she said, "get out of those clothes -"

He stepped back so quickly he practically fell against the door, a look of panic on his face. He lifted an arm to protect himself, and could feel himself begin to shake.

Her words froze in mid-air and her eyes flew to his. She could feel herself go white as the blood left her face. "I'm sorry", she whispered, "so sorry."

It took him a moment before he got his heart back under control. He lowered his arm slowly and wanted to – to kick himself from here to Netu. He'd come here to help her and instead he'd confirmed in her mind that things were bad. He took a couple of deep breaths and then forced himself to smile. "No apology necessary Carter. I'm a little jumpy after walking down that dark trail. I expected something to jump out at me and-". He closed his eyes and cursed silently. She wasn't going to buy this. "Hey", he said gently. "It really is okay and it's true I'm a bit jumpy but I'll be fine. Just tell me where to put my jacket and I'll stop dripping on the floor."

She smiled – it was wobbly but it was a smile. "If you give it to me I'll hang it up." This time she stayed well back and waited for him to remove it and hold it out to her. They both made sure their hands didn't touch. "I'm afraid I don't have any clothes that will fit you", she suddenly frowned when she saw the shape his pants were in. She certainly wasn't about to tell him to take _those_ off.

"Uh – do you have some blankets? If you point the way to the bathroom I can wrap myself up like a mummy. Danny would be proud."

He spent longer in the bathroom than he needed to – partly to give Sam a chance to deal with his presence, but also to give him time to settle his thudding heart. When he'd first seen her standing there, silhouetted by the soft light of the cottage, he'd been – overjoyed. He'd wanted to reach forward and envelope her in his arms. The next moment everything had come crashing back and he'd felt like he was going to seriously lose it.

He couldn't ever remember feeling like he was about to experience a full-blown panic attack, but that's how he had felt when she'd reached for him. What the hell was wrong with him? It was just Carter for God's sake. She wasn't going to hurt him, not now. That was the alien device, not her. He was fine – he was safe – and he was a big boy. Get a grip O'Neill!

He forced himself to take a deep breath and finally opened the door to make his way out to the kitchen, wrapped more like a Roman senator than a mummy. He had to be careful not to trip as he walked, knowing that that would end the day on a perfect note.

"Feeling better?" she asked, a small but tentative smile on her face and a steaming cup in her hand. "Here, I made you some coffee."

"Thanks Carter", he said, taking it gratefully. "The only thing that would make it better would if it had some whiskey in it", he grinned.

"It does", she answered seriously. When he looked surprised her smile grew. "You looked cold."

"Why Carter, you're a woman after a – uh – you're a treasure!"

She gave a nod of thanks but the smile faded. "Why don't we sit in the living room? The view is fantastic."

He followed her into the front room and stopped, agreeing silently with her about the view. It _was_ fantastic – but it was also cold looking and – somehow depressing. Normally he loved the ocean, but right now it just seemed to be too close to his mood – dark and somber. He glanced at Sam and was pretty sure she was feeling exactly the same way. "It's fantastic all right. Lonely too", he said quietly.

She didn't speak for a moment, instead she sat down in the big arm chair and pulled a blanket over herself. "That's – what I wanted. I needed things to be quiet and with Janet -"

"And Daniel and Teal'c and General Hammond and Walter – " he let his voice fade out.

"Walter?" she looked at him in surprise. "Was he bothering you too?"

"Well – not really – but I could tell he wanted to!"

She gurgled – a sound he hadn't heard in far too long. "And how did you know that Sir?"

"How? Well – how long have we known Walter? He may _look_ innocent– but he's the nosiest one on base. Who do you think started all the betting pools?"

"_Walter?"_

"Yup. He's no innocent – I promise you. The guys all call him Wicked Walter!" He waggled his eyebrows and got a full-on laugh from her. He could begin to feel his own anxiety begin to lessen. Until she looked at him and asked –

"Why are you here Sir?"

Nothing like coming to the point Carter, he grumbled to himself. "What! Can't a guy stop by and visit a friend when he's in the neighborhood?"

"Of _Maine_?"

"Well – Maine is close to -"

"To?"

"Uh – Massachusetts? Canada?"

"And you were in both those places?"

"Well no – but I've always wanted to see them."

"Really Colonel – why?"

"Now _that's_ why Carter."

"What?" her brow crinkled in confusion.

"You see, it's about you calling me Colonel."

"But you _are_ a Colonel?

"Yeah, but you're not in the Air Force so you don't have to call me that anymore."

"So you came to not hear me call you Colonel?"

"No, I came to find out _why_ you're no longer in the Air Force."

Well, that got her out of her seat in a hurry. She popped up so fast he wondered if she'd done some 'techno-thing' to the seat. She was standing at the window, looking out at the stormy vista, before he'd even taken a breath.

"Sam?" he asked softly. "Why?"

"You know why Sir", she answered, her voice only a whisper of sound. "It's better this way."

"Better? For whom?"

"For you", she turned and looked at him then. "You don't need me around to remind you."

"To remind me? Of what? Of how much you brighten up everyone's day at the SGC? Of how brilliant you are and how many times you've saved us? To remind me how you keep Daniel happy by talking to him about all his people and languages and weird statues? Or to remind me how you let Teal'c know he's loved and appreciated. To let _me_ know that there are still people on this Earth who are full of hope and wonder – who love life and see every day as an adventure. To laugh at me and to make me laugh. You're telling me I don't need you around to remind me of these things?"

She closed her eyes and turned back to the window. "And don't forget - to remind you that someone you trusted hurt you. To remind you that I was so weak that I let that thing control me. You don't need _that_ Sir."

This time it was he who sighed. He wanted to stand up, to go to her, but at the same time he was afraid and he cursed himself for it. He was afraid of how she would react – and even more afraid of how _he_ would react. "Do you think I'm weak Sam?" he finally asked.

"You?" She turned around in surprise. "Weak? You're one of the strongest men I know."

"So, do you blame me for what happened? Do you blame me for not being able to resist that thing?"

She instantly saw what he was doing and a stubborn expression appeared on her face. Oh yeah – he'd taught her well. "That's different Sir."

"Why?"

"It just is. I wasn't hurt."

"You weren't?" he smiled and shook his head. "Oh Sam – yes you were. You were hurt much more than me. You see, I know because I've been there. For you – and me and Daniel too, we hurt much more when we hurt those we – care about – than when we are hurt ourselves." He finally pushed himself to his feet, which was rather awkward with the blanket wrapped around him. He took a couple of steps forward and stopped. "Believe me Sam, I _do_ know what you're going through and I can tell you now – the path you're on goes nowhere. It only leads to more pain and more anguish. You _have_ to let the guilt go. You have to know that it wasn't your fault and that I'm fine." He laughed suddenly, softly. "Or I will be fine – but only if you promise me you won't blame yourself anymore."

"How", she turned abruptly and looked at him. "How do I not blame myself? I can't get the pictures out of my head. I can't get the sight of your eyes out of my head."

He blinked – so, she belonged to the same club he did! He wondered if she'd been having nightmares about his eyes. Looking at how tired and gaunt she was, he was sure of it. "Look, it's not going to be easy, and I'm not saying that you'll wake up tomorrow and decide that everything is fine – but you do have to start letting go of the guilt and start – living again. It's the only way either of us will get through this."

"Do you think we can?" she asked, suddenly sounding broken. "I don't – know if it's possible."

"Yes – we can Sam. I told you, I've been here before. I almost let guilt destroy me and it's not worth it."

"Have you let it go?" she asked, looking at him directly. "The guilt?"

He knew she wasn't talking about this last mission – but about the thing in his life which still haunted him. What could he say? Only the truth. "Not all of it. Some days – I think so, but other days it comes back."

"So it's not easy."

"No – I never said it was. But it is possible, especially since I'm here and I'm okay - and I don't blame you."

"And yet you flinched when I went to help you with your jacket."

He sighed and rubbed his hands through his hair. "That doesn't mean I blame you Sam but - I'd be lying if I said I'm not dealing with some of that crap too. I told you I'm a little jumpy."

She nodded once, although she still looked like utter crap. He wanted to hold out his arms, to tell her to 'c'mere', but he couldn't. He was still too much a coward.

"What the -?" she cried suddenly. The lights in the cottage went out and they were bathed in darkness. "Damn – we lost electricity. Marianne said it might happen if we got a storm."

"Are there any flashlights? Emergency candles? Generator?" Colonel O'Neill – or Jack, the man with the cabin in the wilds of Minnesota – instantly clicked in.

"There's a cupboard in the kitchen with flashlights and batteries." She made her way carefully there and retrieved a flashlight. "There's no generator but we do have firewood and matches. I think maybe we should light the fire."

For the next few minutes they worked together the way they had for so many years. In a strange way, it was exactly what they needed. There was no tension, no fear, no guilt – just two teammates and friends working towards a common goal.

"There", she sat back and looked at the roaring fire. "That should keep us warm. Unfortunately it's only going to be in this room. I'll have to pull out the mattress and sleep here if the power doesn't come back on."

Jack suddenly realized it must be getting late and he should be heading out. He hated to leave just as they'd been dealing with everything but at the same time he didn't want to overstay his welcome.

"Uh, I should probably be going", he told her. "Hopefully my clothes are uh – not still soaking."

"What? You can't go", she told him, a look of determination on her face. "The storm is even worse than when you arrived. And haven't you heard the thunder? That means lightening and you are _not_ walking back in a lightning storm. And anyway, if the power's out it probably means there's a tree – or trees down which means you couldn't drive on the highway anyway. No, you'll just have to stay here!"

Okay – there went the panic again. He could feel his breathing start up and tried to force himself to relax. He knew it was in reaction to Sam's tone, her basically _ordering _him to do something, even though she meant well. But really, staying here wasn't bad. Sam _was not_ going to attack him and if he wanted he _could_ walk out. There was nothing holding him here but common sense.

"Are you okay?" her voice came from a distance and he forced himself to look up. Her eyes – her eyes were – full of compassion and caring – and tears.

"I'm fine", he told her. "Just a -"

"Little jumpy?" she filled in with a small grimace. "Look – you can stay in here and I'll bundle up in my room. I have lots of blankets. I won't disturb you at all."

"No – that's ridiculous. We will both stay here and keep warm. Uh – do we have anything to eat? I'm kinda hungry."

"Colonel – I'm so sorry – I wasn't thinking." After a few minutes rummaging around she came out with a selection of snacks. It wasn't the healthiest stuff in the world, but would keep them from starving. They pulled two comfy chairs up to the fireplace, a small table in between, and started snacking.

At first the conversation was stilted, but after a while it became more relaxed as they talked about their friends and about old missions. They agreed – silently – to avoid anything dangerous and kept it light. By the end of the evening they were both feeling much better although they knew there was a long way to go.

Just as things would have started to get tense again – as they both grew tired and ready for bed – the lights went back on, although the storm continued.

"The heat should come back on immediately", Sam told him. "I'll make up the guest room and you can sleep there."

As he washed his face he had a sudden thought. Tonight had been good, very good. This is what they needed. He'd talk to her in the morning and see if she would agree to what he had in mind.

As Sam lay in bed that night she thought about this strange day. She had been so torn when she'd seen him standing there – both happy and terrified. Now, she was just glad he'd come. No, it wouldn't be easy or quick, but at least they'd talked. Maybe there was hope.


	8. A Wicked Woman

_**I figured we needed a bit of a break from all the angst (although there still is some). This chapter is kind of light but I think is necessary in their journey. I hope you enjoy!**_

She looked in surprise out of the window. It was daylight. She glanced at the clock on the night table and was even more surprised to see it was almost 8:30. She'd slept through the night! It was the first time, since this whole thing had happened, that she'd slept soundly – at least, the first time while not drugged with Janet's sedatives.

It took her a while to figure out why that was. When she did, she couldn't help the small smile that lit her face. "The Colonel", she whispered. He was here – he'd actually come to see her. Looking like a drowned rat – but still, he'd arrived and things had instantly seemed a tiny bit better.

The smile soon turned to a frown when she thought some more about him. He'd looked awful and it wasn't just the rain; he had definitely lost weight and he appeared drawn and aged. He had spent most of the evening trying to help her and yet she knew he had been terribly traumatized by the whole thing – probably more traumatized than her. Oh, he'd never admit it – would deny it in fact – but it was obvious how severely he'd been affected.

All it took was seeing how he shied away from physical contact, how freaked out he'd appeared when she'd approached him or when she'd tried to tell him what to do. It clearly brought back nightmares of what she'd done to him. She knew reactions like that weren't uncommon in cases of – assault – but she hated that she had caused this.

No matter what her friends said, no matter what _he_ said, it was Samantha Carter who had done it to him. Oh, even if she finally admitted to herself that it had been out of her control, she was the one who had tortured and attacked him. She was the one whom he saw in his nightmares.

Well, she could just sit around and pity herself and feel guilty and try and run away, but that wouldn't help the Colonel. Her other choice was to stop worrying so much about how she felt and concentrate on helping _him_. She slowly sat up, an idea forming in her mind. She didn't know if he'd go for it, but she needed to keep him here. She needed to help him get over the pain of her actions and begin to heal. She didn't know if it was the smart thing to do or not – all she knew was she had to try.

But how? She couldn't _force_ him to stay – that would defeat the whole plan. She had controlled him, had forced him to do those things, so she had to be very careful not to appear to do anything which would bring the memories back.

She laughed softly when she pictured herself with a big floppy hat and a flowing dress, looking at the Colonel and batting her eyes. She could pretend to be some sweet, passive little lady but somehow she didn't think that would help him. In fact, he'd probably hate it and he'd know it was phony. That was not her and never would be. No, she had to figure out a way to stay true to herself and yet make him feel in control. "I guess I should just be me", she decided. Hell, she'd obeyed the Colonel for years. Yup – she'd concentrate on helping him and stop feeling so sorry for herself!

It was only when she kicked her legs over the side of the bed that she heard the noise. It sounded like something had fallen, followed by a series of soft curses. The Colonel! It was then that she noticed the smell. Coffee and – _bacon_! She got up quickly, threw on a robe and some slippers, ran her fingers through her hair and headed to the kitchen.

"Sir?" she said, seeing him standing by the stove, dressed in his own dry but wrinkled clothes. His feet were bare and it looked like he'd tried to comb his hair with his fingers. On the kitchen counter was a huge stack of pancakes sitting beside a plate holding what looked to be an entire package of cooked bacon. Before she had a chance to say anything more he'd handed her a steaming cup of coffee. Taking a sip, she discovered it was just the way she liked it.

"Sit down Carter", he told her, pointing to a chair. "Breakfast is served."

"Uh Sir – are we expecting company?" she asked, staring at the huge amount of food. Besides the pancakes and bacon there was toast with a variety of jams, boxes of cereal and milk and what looked like a fresh fruit salad.

"Company?" He looked confused – adorably so she thought to herself – and then his expression cleared. "No – it's for you. We have to fatten you up Carter. You look like you haven't eaten for weeks."

"It looks like you're trying to do it all at once." She stared at the food and wondered how she was going to tell him she really wasn't that hungry. She still had no appetite. When she glanced up and saw his disappointed – and worried – face she could have kicked herself. She'd just finished telling herself she was going to help him and then she complains about his breakfast. "But you know", she continued. "It does smell delicious. Is there any syrup?"

His grinned and quickly presented her with a jar of real maple syrup. She laughed and was glad she'd caught herself in time. This 'help the Colonel' crusade was probably going to see her gain twenty pounds. Oh well – all in a good cause.

In the end she ate way more than she intended, but she couldn't help herself. The Colonel was just so pleased to see her eat and kept filling up her plate that she kept going. "Enough Sir", she finally laughed, covering her plate with her hands. "I'm going to explode if I eat any more."

"But you liked it?" he said hopefully, looking so much like a little boy that she wanted to reach out and pat his cheek.

"I loved it Colonel – thank you."

He stood up and began clearing the dishes before she had a chance to object.

"Hey stop Sir", she laughed. "You cooked, I clean!"

He stopped suddenly and gave another grin. "Okay Carter – deal." He instantly sat down and looked at her expectantly.

She laughed again and really wished she could go over and give him a hug. Instead she finished clearing the dishes and started washing them while he sat, arms across his chest, leaning back in the chair.

Jack watched as Carter washed the dishes and congratulated himself on his plan to fatten her up. He knew very well that she hadn't really wanted to eat that much, but he also knew that she felt guilty about refusing. Okay – so sometimes guilt could come in handy, especially if taken advantage of. He'd thought long and hard about what it was he had to do and he figured all was fair in the plan to help Carter.

He hadn't slept that well last night – all he could think about was that she was in the room next door to him. He felt vulnerable – as if the moment he fell asleep she'd be there, forcing him to do those things again. Oh, he knew logically it wouldn't happen, but every time he closed his eyes he'd had the same vision. Finally, unable to sleep, he'd gotten up and sat in the dark living room, looking out over the tumultuous ocean. It was then that he'd made his plan.

Carter was being eaten alive with guilt and he had to put a stop to it. The only way to do that was to help convince her he was okay and the only way to do _that_ was to stick around long enough for her to see it. By staying, he was also pretty confident that the feelings of discomfort she felt with him would lessen, if not go away completely. The only problem with the plan was he had to somehow convince her he had to stay. He was pretty sure it wouldn't be easy. He was going to have to pull out all his heavy guns – just like he had over breakfast. Sara never used to be able to resist him when he brought out the little boy routine. It looked like Carter couldn't either.

He opened his mouth to start the campaign to let him stay when –

"Sir?"

"Huh? What Carter?" She had her back to him, still washing the pans from breakfast.

"Uh – I was wondering if you -"

"If I what?"

"If – well, I was thinking -" she suddenly turned around, still holding the spatula. "It might be good for you to get away for awhile. It's nice and peaceful here – no one will bother you. I mean – you wouldn't have to spend time with me if you didn't want but there is a guest room and you're welcome to use it."

He stared at her – stunned. Did she just ask him to stay? So much for his campaign! "Are you asking me to -"

"To stay Sir", she said softly. "No one would bother you here – not even Walter."

"Not even Walter? Well, that does it then. I'd be glad to Sam – if you're sure? I don't want to spoil your uh – time here."

"You won't. In fact, it'll be nice to have the company. I mean – you don't have to spend time with me -"

"I'd like to", he smiled. "It'll be fun."

She smiled back at him, the spatula dripping water on the floor. "Good."

"There's only one thing Carter", he informed her seriously.

"Yes?" she frowned.

"Call me Jack. I'd kind of like to forget – the Air Force and anything related to it for a while."

She nodded, understanding what he was saying. He was right – that's probably what they both needed. "Sounds good S- ur Jack. I'm Sam then, okay?"

"Not Samantha?" he grinned.

"Never! Only my father ever calls me that, and usually when he's mad."

"Well, I certainly wouldn't want to be accused of being like your father – Sam!"

After breakfast Jack informed her that he was going to head back to town and collect his things and check out of the hotel – the hotel he'd never even stayed in. "I'll be back later this morning. I'll pick up some more groceries."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea if we're going to keep eating like this!"

The instant he was gone she felt the depression descend on her once more. She had known that he was the one keeping it at bay but was surprised at how quickly it returned. She sat down and sighed. She was so glad he was here, but at the same time she was frightened. What if she screwed this up too?

As he walked down the still muddy trail he thought about what they were planning and wondered if he was a fool. Would this make things worse? Was he trying to push this too fast? He wished he could ask Jeff, which instantly irritated him. Since when had he needed some therapist to help him make decisions?

Since you were attacked by your Second in Command, that small voice in his head whispered. He knew he was in no shape to be making any decisions or to try and fix other people when he was so screwed up himself. Still, if he could help Carter then he'd feel better. He couldn't bear the thought of what she was doing to herself.

By the time he returned, showered, shaved and in clean clothes, he was a mess. Physically he looked fine – emotionally he was panicking. What the hell had he done? How could he possibly stay with her? He'd never sleep – never be able to feel comfortable. What if she told him to take his clothes off? What if she hurt him again? What if she – STOP IT – he practically shouted at himself. He was heading for another panic attack and absolutely nothing had happened. Not yet, the voice whispered.

"And it's not going to!" he told himself sternly. "This is Carter we're talking about and I can trust her. There are no alien doohickeys around here to mess with our brains!"

By the time he got close to the cottage he was almost able to breathe properly. His heart was no longer trying to force its way out of his mouth and his feet weren't trying to turn and flee. He could do this!

He tapped on the door and it opened almost instantly, a frantic looking Sam staring at him.

"I didn't think you were coming back", she whispered. "I thought – you'd leave."

Shit! He closed his eyes – more grateful than he could say that he'd forced himself to return – against every inclination and the damned voice in his head. "I said I'd be back Sam", he told her calmly, as if he hadn't almost jumped into his truck and turned it towards Colorado. "Come on", he gestured for her to proceed him. He still couldn't stand her to get too close. "Let's go inside. It must be time for lunch."

It was only then that he realized he'd forgotten to pick up the groceries. Damn – she'd think he was a moron. "Sam, why don't we go into town and grab a bite to eat? We can walk around for a bit, get some exercise."

She bit her lip, wanting to refuse. She had avoided people since the incident, feeling like her shame was written all over her. But this wasn't about her – it was about the Colonel. For his sake she could do this. "Sure, just let me get some warmer clothes on."

"And wear some rain boots", he called. "It's still pretty muddy out there."

They ate dinner at a small café in the little town a few miles from the cottage and then wandered around, looking into some of the shops. The town was a major tourist attraction but at this time of year there were few people about and most of those were locals.

"Tired?" Jack glanced down at his companion. Her cheeks were rosy and she looked better than when he'd arrived yesterday, but he knew she'd been through a lot and he didn't want to overdo things.

"A little", she told him. She saw a little café across the street. "Why don't we go and have a cup of coffee?"

"How about a hot chocolate?" He looked so excited that she laughed and agreed. He came back to their table with two cups, overflowing with whipped cream.

"You really are intent on fattening me up!" she exclaimed.

The day had been nice, she realized when they returned to the cottage. They stopped at the grocery store and picked up more supplies before returning home. She insisted on making dinner while he sat and listened to some CD's in the living room. It gave her a few minutes on her own to recoup. She was still glad he was staying, but she worried about the evening ahead. What were they going to do?

Jack sat back and put his legs up on the coffee table. He could take a few moments and relax without Sam close by. It had been a good day but a stressful one. He was pretty sure that Sam didn't know, but he had found it hard to be so close to her all day.

He swore softly. He had to get over this irrational fear. It was ridiculous and wasn't helping anything.

What had set him off had been something he hadn't expected and it had only hit him as they got into his truck. Her scent. He knew that smell was the most direct connection to memories and as soon as he'd gotten one whiff of that unique scent he'd been transported back to the planet. For years he had noticed and enjoyed the clean, subtle smell that meant Sam was near. Now it made him physically sick. Damn – now he didn't even have that!

Still, he was glad they'd spent the day together. There had been a few times when he'd forgotten everything and simply enjoyed her presence. He hoped that the more time they spent together, the longer those times would grow.

They had finished dinner and were sitting quietly in the living room when his cell rang. With raised brows he went and retrieved it and flipped it open. "Hello? Daniel!" He looked over at Sam and grimaced. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Jack – where are you? We've been worried."

"I'm fine Daniel, no need to worry."

"But where _are_ you? You're not in Minnesota are you?"

"No." He groaned. "Daniel, you wanted me to come and find Sam so that's what I did."

"You found her?"

"Yes, I found her and she's fine too."

"So – are you in San Diego?"

"_Daniel_! Why do you need to know where we are?"

"And why don't you want to tell me?"

"Look – she's staying at a friend's place up in New England. You can tell Teal'c and General Hammond and Janet", he caught Sam's eye and grinned, "Oh, and Walter, that she's fine and so am I."

"Walter?"

"Private joke Daniel."

"Oh – okay. So, are you guys coming back soon?"

"I don't know."

"You don't _know_? Why not?"

There were days he wanted to zat Daniel three times and just get him to stop! "Listen Danny. I don't know when we're coming back – it may not be for a while. In the meantime, please don't call. I'm on leave until further notice and Sam – well, she isn't with the Air Force any more. Just give us some room okay?"

There was silence and he could almost hear the argument Daniel was probably having with himself. He knew his friend was well meaning and really cared, but right now both he and Sam needed some space.

"Alright Jack. Say hi to her for me okay? And – if you guys need anything you know -"

"We know Daniel – thanks!"

"He's a good friend", Sam came and sat down in the chair opposite him. "I feel badly that we're keeping them away."

"He is", Jack agreed. "But don't feel bad. He understands – even though it's probably killing him. We need this time Sam – both of us."

It was the first time she'd really heard him admit that he wasn't here just for her, but he needed this as well. It somehow made her feel better about everything. "Do you think he'll be able to refrain from calling us?"

Jack laughed. "Oh, I'm sure Teal'c will stop him. But as soon as we're back we'll hear about it."

She immediately got up and moved to the kitchen, not answering. She didn't have the heart to tell Jack she didn't plan on returning to Colorado. She couldn't.

The next couple of days were relaxing and mellow for the two friends. They cooked, they ate, they read and they went for walks. During that entire time Sam continued to notice that Jack stayed as far from her as he could without appearing rude. She didn't force the issue, knowing it would have to be on the Colonel's time – but she worried.

She didn't think he was sleeping too well either. He continued to have dark circles under his eyes and she'd seen him more than once outside late at night, looking at the stars. She had to help him.

Jack was pleased that Sam seemed more relaxed. She looked happier too, although he would occasionally catch a sad look on her face. He knew she still struggled, but he hoped that she was starting to heal.

"Come on Jack, this is fun!"

"Carter you have a strange idea of what's fun", he complained as they climbed over the rocks. He really wasn't tired – they'd done much harder treks than this in their work – still, he enjoyed griping since it usually brought a smile to her face. They'd decided to go on a hike and had brought a picnic along – which somehow he'd ended up carrying.

"Hey Carter", he called. "How come I have to carry the pack?"

"Because you're a gentleman Sir", she called back, laughter in her eyes. She skipped ahead, knowing that Jack wouldn't buy her comment. She was nothing if not a believer in pulling her own weight. Right now however, she was enjoying teasing him and also figured he needed to take charge, even if it was only of their lunch.

After they ate Sam insisted on carrying the empty pack. "Sure Carter _now_ you want to carry it!" and they returned home. It was as they were walking down a steep hill, close to the cottage, that Sam let out a cry and lost her footing. She stumbled down the rest of the way, turning over and over on her way down.

"Sam!" He raced down the hill after her, his heart racing madly. God – let her be okay. "Sam!" he skidded to a stop beside her and knelt down. "Are you alright?" He reached out and touched her shoulder, afraid to turn her over until he knew how badly she was hurt.

She'd landed partially on one side, partially on her front. She was breathing heavily and took a moment before she pushed herself over on her back.

He couldn't see any blood and her expression didn't look like she was in too much pain. She was covered in twigs and gravel, but that was all he could see.

"Ow", she told him, looking up with more embarrassment than anything else. "I tripped."

"You certainly did", he sighed, plopping down beside her, feeling tremendously relieved. "Are you okay?"

"Yes – just my pride was hurt," she frowned slightly, "and maybe my ankle."

"What? Here, let me see." He scooted around until he could gently take her foot in his hand. "This one?"

"Yea – ow!"

"It may be sprained Sam – I don't want to take off your boot until we get home. It'll support the injury. Do you think you can walk?"

"I don't know – help me up."

Jack stood up and then carefully and gently helped her to stand. She put most of her weight on one foot and then gingerly lowered the other one. Her grimace told him enough. "Here", he reached down and picked her up.

"Jack! What are you doing?"

"Carrying you to the cottage. It's not far and you shouldn't put any weight on that ankle."

"But you shouldn't carry me! Just help me and I can walk."

"Nope", he answered, starting to head out. She wasn't heavy – in fact was still too light although he'd worked hard to build her up over the last few days. "I'm fine Sam", he told her when she went to object. "I'm strong enough to carry you, you know."

"I know, but you shouldn't have to! If we were on a mission you wouldn't do this!"

"No, I'd make Teal'c do it", he grinned. "And anyway, we're not on a mission. We're on Earth and I haven't seen any aliens trying to shoot us so I think we're safe if I carry you. Now be quiet and settle down. I need to concentrate."

Since he had a grin on his face she simply 'harrumphed' and kept quiet. It only took about fifteen minutes until they arrived back at the cottage and he instantly put her down on the couch. "I'm going to get the first aid kit and then I'll help you with your boot. Just relax."

She waited while he got the kit, thinking about their time together and their unusual return to the cottage. She had to keep from grinning – wondering if Jack had even noticed. She didn't think he had. Oh, you are _so_ evil Samantha Carter!

"There." He laid down the first aid kit and an instant ice pack. "Now let's get that boot off. It's probably going to hurt", he warned her, looking up quickly.

"It's okay Jack – I think I can handle it!"

He grinned. "Yeah – I guess so. You just don't seem so tough when you're not wearing BDU's."

"Right!" She held out her foot and he carefully pulled off her hiking boot. He grimaced more than she did and when he was done with the boot he took off her sock.

He frowned and gently turned her foot and pressed in a couple of places. "It looks okay. Does it hurt anywhere?"

"Uh – just a little", she told him.

"Hmmm – I guess it's okay. You were lucky. Do you want the ice pack?"

"I – no – it's probably alright. I must have just twisted it. It seems fine now."

He slowly packed everything away, glancing at her, looking puzzled. He noticed she wouldn't quite look him in the eye. Something was going on, but he couldn't quite put his foot on it. He stood up. "You need some help sitting up", he asked, reaching down with his hand. She put hers into it and twisted her body until she was sitting properly on the couch.

"Thank you", she said sincerely. "And thank you for carrying me. You really didn't have to."

There was a brief moment of silence and then he answered. "No, I don't think I did."

She looked up sharply, expecting to see him looking angry, instead he looked at her contemplatively.

"Your ankle wasn't twisted at all, was it?"

"Well – maybe a bit?"

"You just wanted me to carry you, didn't you?" It took a second, but then he realized. His eyes suddenly grew big and his mouth opened. He knew then what she'd done. He'd carried her – he'd _touched_ her – and he hadn't worried about it in the least. In fact, he'd quite enjoyed the experience.

"Samantha Carter, you are a wicked, wicked woman!"

She grinned. "I know."


	9. Realizations

_**Just a little chapter tonight. This is a transition chapter - enough with all the angst and into some resolution. Thanks for being patient but had to get through this.**_

The sun touched the water, looking as if it would ignite the black depths. Instead, it sank gracefully until it no longer illuminated the world around it. Jack watched the light slowly dim and tried to clear his mind.

He'd been here a week now and it had been – good. Things weren't perfect and he knew Sam had a long way to go before she dealt with everything, but she was more relaxed and she claimed she'd already put on a couple of pounds.

As for him – well, he was feeling somewhat better although he still had trouble sleeping. It wasn't as bad as it had been and he figured that was either because he was more relaxed or because he was so exhausted his body forced him to sleep. In the end he decided it was a combination of the two. Still, whatever the reason, he was glad he'd come. They'd needed this time alone, just the two of them.

As he stood there he thought about the ankle episode and couldn't help but laugh softly. It was shortly after that point that he'd realized that Sam was on a crusade of her own. She had decided to help him at the same time he was trying to help her.

He'd discovered later that day that day that she was slowly moving into his physical space, obviously wanting to help him get over his 'jumpiness' as he'd expressed it. At first he'd been embarrassed and then he'd been oddly gratified.

At first it was subtle and he hadn't really noticed. It was only when he saw that the kitchen chairs had been moved closer to each other that he'd wondered. Next, when they'd gone for a hike she'd walked a few inches closer than she had the day before. It was the laundry though, that convinced him.

They'd gotten into a pattern of sitting in the living room after supper. Sometimes they'd watch TV or listen to music, other times they'd both read or sit and talk. Always however, they stayed in their determined spots, him on the couch, her in the big chair facing him, on the other side of the coffee table. This night he'd come out to see the big chair filled with clean laundry. Sam had followed him out and immediately sighed.

"I meant to fold that and put that away", she told him, "but I must admit I don't feel like doing it right now." After saying that, she plopped down on the couch and clicked on the TV. He stared at her with narrowed eyes but she refused to look at him. Fortunately for his nerves she was sitting at the opposite end of the couch, but still he felt nervous. He regarded her for a moment and then sat down gingerly, as far away as he could get. She turned to him and started to tell him a funny story of her Academy days and it didn't take long before he'd forgotten about being so close and simply enjoyed the evening.

It had gotten better after that and he knew he had Sam to thank for that. She worked hard trying to make him more comfortable with being close to her but she was also careful to back off at the first sign of any discomfort on his part. He wanted to tell her how much what she was doing meant to him but as usual, he just couldn't find the words. Instead, he did everything he could to make her laugh and to feel good.

He thought about what they were doing – each of them trying to help the other - and suddenly realized something. _That_ was what they needed to get well. It was all right and fine for their friends and colleagues to tell them they needed help and counseling – and he had to admit seeing Jeff had been good – but in the long run, it was helping someone else that made the real difference.

He then thought back to his years with the Stargate program and had a sudden revelation. He'd been accused of avoiding his grief over his son's death – of hiding away and not dealing with it. Instead, he'd spent the years focusing on helping his planet, his galaxy – and worrying about his team. Somehow, during that time, he'd managed to get back to living.

And that's what was helping him move forward now, that and Sam's unfailing support. Yup – he'd have to tell Jeff when he got back. This was the best therapy he could possibly have had.

He heard the patio door open and turned to watch as Sam – a pink cheeked, relaxed looking Sam – joined him on the deck.

"It's dark", she observed. "Aren't you getting cold?"

He shook his head and silently contemplated her as she walked to the rail and leaned against it, looking out at the ocean. He noticed that she stayed a few feet away, not wanting to crowd him.

"It's beautiful, isn't it", she said softly.

"Beautiful", he agreed, equally as softly, although he wasn't looking out at the water. With a small smile he took a step, then two, until he was standing right beside her. He put his hands out and placed them on the rail and stood silently beside her.

Sam looked at him in surprise. This was the first time he'd voluntarily moved closer to her, other than the time he'd carried her back to the cottage.

He finally turned his head towards her. "So - your plan seems to be working Carter."

"Plan Sir?" she asked, reverting to her usual way of addressing him.

"Mmm hmm – your plan to help me with my uh –" he made a quick gesture with his hand. He then leaned towards her, bumping her with his shoulder. "See – it's working."

"I'm glad Colonel."

"Uh uh – Jack."

"Well I'm glad _Jack_."

"And what about you?" he asked, bumping her shoulder again.

"Me? What do you mean?"

"How are you doing? Are you still beating yourself up over this whole thing or have you started to admit it really wasn't your fault?"

She didn't say anything for a minute and then finally shrugged.

"Sam!" he scolded.

"Okay, okay. I'm feeling – a bit better although I still think -"

"Don't! Just – relax and let's enjoy our time here. I'm doing fine and we'll get beyond this."

"Really?" she answered. For the first time there was the sound of hope in her voice. It was tentative but it was there.

"Yeah, really." He pulled away from the rail and turned and faced her. "Hey, I'm hungry. Let's go into town and get something to eat.

As they turned and headed back inside, Jack realized something else. He was in totally in love with Samantha Carter.

He was so screwed!


	10. Anger

_**I want to thank all of my lovely readers for their kind and faithful reviews! There's nothing I love more than when my IPhone 'dings' and I get another one. Thank you!**_

_**The following chapter has some bad words - my apologies if that offends but it seems fitting for the scene. It's another short one - more soon. **_

He woke up in a shitty mood. He knew it the moment he opened his eyes but did nothing to try and stop it. He'd had a lousy night's sleep - he'd woken up gasping, the covers all tangled around him and his heart to thudding wildly.

He had gotten up to try and calm down, to clear his mind of the images that kept repeating over and over again. Of course it didn't work. They kept intruding, kept forcing themselves into his mind and memory. He'd really thought he was getting over it, getting better, but this had been the worst one yet. He had held his hands out, disgusted to see how badly they were shaking.

He'd eventually gotten back to sleep, but not before spending hours staring out of the window. Nothing he had done had seemed to work and he wondered if anything would.

He got up out of bed, debating whether to take a shower, but decided against it. If Sam objected she could just go – hell, it was her place – at least her friends' place so he guessed he really couldn't tell her to do that but she'd just have to put up with him.

"Morning Jack", she smiled at him, looking way too happy, as far as he was concerned. He grunted and grabbed a mug and poured himself a coffee.

"Did you have anything you wanted to do today?" She was standing over the stove preparing scrambled eggs.

He hated scrambled eggs, forgetting completely that he'd enjoyed them a few days ago. "Do we always have to _do _something Carter? Maybe I just feel like resting today."

She glanced at him in surprise, finally seeming to sense his mood. "That's fine Sir. Why don't you do that and I'll head into town. I wanted to pick up some things anyway."

"Mmmm" he grunted again, taking a sip of his coffee. "Damn! It's too hot", he glared at her. He hated when he burned his tongue.

She didn't reply, but instead kept her eyes on the eggs. It irritated him because he wanted – no _needed_ someone to fight with. "I don't want eggs", he griped. "Isn't there anything else?"

She sighed, recognizing that nothing she did was going to make him happy. At the same time, her feelings of guilt and remorse were such that she pretty much figured she deserved whatever she got. "What else would you like?" She tried to sound as agreeable as possible, although what she really wanted to do was tell him to go have a time out until his mood improved.

"I don't know Carter. This is your place – you know what you have better than me."

Since Jack had helped her with the shopping that statement was singularly untrue. She sighed again. "How about some toast and jam."

"Fine", he answered, sounding disgruntled. She turned off the eggs and went and got the bread and the toaster.

He'd barely touched his toast when he stood up. "I'm going to go for a shower." Without waiting for her reply he left the kitchen.

"What's wrong with you Colonel?", she shook her head. She grabbed his plate and threw the remaining toast in the garbage and then stomped to the sink. "Men!"

Jack didn't come out of the shower feeling any better. If anything, he felt worse. That pesky little voice in his head – the one he wanted to shoot with his P-90 – kept telling him to get away for a while, to clear out before he said or did something stupid. Unfortunately the _other_ voice, the one that woke him up this morning, told him to stay and have it out with Sam.

Of course the question was have _what_ out. If the incident on that F'ing planet wasn't her fault then there really wasn't anything to talk about. They both just had to get over it. The trouble was he _couldn't_ – and right now he was pissed. She'd done this to him and he – _hated_ her for it.

He towel dried his hair and then slung the damp towel around his waist. On top of everything else he'd left his damn clothes in his bedroom. Normally he was careful about that since he was here alone with Carter. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with him walking around half naked. It would have been bad on a normal day – after the Amazon incident it was especially dangerous.

"Sir!" Her voice stopped him dead in his tracks.

Crap! Of course he'd run into her while he was coming out of the shower in nothing but a towel. It was that kind of day – that miserable, crappy, horrible, shitty, F'd up day! "Sorry", he mumbled as he tried to sneak past her. It was only when she didn't move that he looked at her fully – to see her staring in horror at his chest.

F-k! He slowly looked down at himself – something he'd avoided now for weeks – and there it was, in all its glory. The SCAR.

In actual fact, there were a number of scars. Many of them he'd collected over the years, fighting various enemies from the home-grown to the weirdest of aliens. Right now however, he sported some brand new ones, which were practically etched in neon. Most of them would probably fade in time, although a few of the deeper ones would remain. The worst one was the one when S – she had bit him. He'd had to have stitches and it had gotten slightly infected. The one time recently he'd looked at it he'd winced. It looked bad – really bad. In fact, it looked exactly like what it was – a bite mark right around his nipple. Right now he expected it was so obvious it was practically shouting at her.

"Did I do that?" she asked softly, her voice throbbing with anguish.

"What? This little thing?" he pointed to his chest. "Don't you remember? I thought I was more memorable than that Carter."

Her eyes lifted to his in shock. His tone had been anything but friendly. He could see her bite back her response.

"I – it's rather hazy. I – God – I'm so sorry!"

"I'm afraid that sorry doesn't cut it – oh forgive me – I guess you already did cut it! Yeah, I get to try and explain this one in the locker room. It's gonna be so much fun!"

"I thought you said you didn't blame me", she said softly, sounding hurt.

"Blame you? Whoever said I blame you Major – oops sorry, guess you're not a Major now, are you? No, I don't blame you in the least." Even he winced at the insincerity of that one. "I'd better get dressed", he told her. Better get out of here Jack, he said to himself, before you really blow it.

"No, you _do_ blame me." She stepped towards him, which prevented him from getting past her. He instantly moved back.

"No", he finally answered, breathing out a deep breath. "Look, I'm sorry Sam – I'm in a bad mood. You should just let me", he gestured with his hand towards his room.

"Do you really believe I wanted to do that", she pointed to his chest. "That I wanted to hurt you? It was the damn machine Sir – you know that."

"Do I?" he finally asked. He shook his head. "Yeah – I do. I told you – I'm in a –"

"- bad mood. Yes, I know, but I think this is the real truth. I think you _do_ blame me – just like I blame myself."

He could feel the anger start to rise again – why he couldn't quite say. Okay – you want to have it out Sam, then fine by me. "You blame yourself? See Carter, I could never quite figure that out. If you truly weren't guilty – if you really couldn't help yourself and it was that machine, then why are you do damned guilty? You wouldn't have had such a hard time agreeing with all those people who told you that you couldn't help what you did unless you knew something. I've watched you wallow in guilt Carter. Why is that? Is it because you really _did_ want to hurt me – maybe just a little bit."

"Hurt you?" Her forehead crinkled in confusion. "Why would I want to hurt you? You're my friend."

"Yeah – except for years you've had to listen to me, to obey me. I bet that galls, doesn't it? I bet you resent the hell out of it. I mean, you're so much smarter than me. Having to listen to an old, ignorant sol-"

"How dare you! How dare you even _suggest_ such a thing!" she spat at him. "I have never – ever – resented you, in all the years we've worked together. Have there been times when I disagreed with you – of course. Have there been times when I've even been mad at you – yeah. Have there been times when I've lost respect for you or resented you? Never! How _dare_ you even suggest such a thing!"

"Wow, if it isn't Saint Sam", he sneered. "Never? You've just been happy being my second in command all these years."

"Yes, I have!"

As pissy as he still felt, there was a part of him that warmed immediately at her words. Still, a bigger part of him continued to want to lash out – to hurt her as much as he'd been hurt. She'd taken away his power, his control, his self _respect_. Rationally he knew he wasn't being fair, that it wasn't her fault. Emotionally he wanted to inflict some pain.

"So – if you loved working with me – why did you do it? Or if it really wasn't your fault, why all the guilt?" Even that he knew was ridiculous but hell – he was being a jerk so he might as well take it to the nth degree.

"Because."

"_That's_ your answer? Because? And they tell me you're a genius!"

"What's wrong with you?" She suddenly stood up straight and faced him dead on. "You come here, Colonel 'I have to look after the world because I'm Jack O'Neill' and invade my space. You spend days not talking, _pretending_ that everything is okay and then _this?_ I don't need it Colonel. I don't report to you anymore. In case you've forgotten, I'm not in the Air Force so I don't have to put up with your shit."

"Yes – and why _is_ that Major – oops – I mean Carter. Why the hell did you quit? Couldn't take the heat? Thought that running was easier?"

"Well you should know Colonel, shouldn't you? Isn't that exactly what you did? Daniel told me you'd quit after – that you'd quit and you only came back because you thought the trip to Abydos was a suicide mission. I guess you couldn't take the heat either."

"Don't you dare bring that up! That was a long time ago and has nothing to do with this." He was practically shouting by this time he was so angry. A part of him now registered that Sam was equally as angry. Good, now they could have a real fight.

"So you don't want to talk about it? Well _that's_ a surprise. You never want to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. You just want everything to go on the way it was and ignore what happened, isn't that right."

"Who said anything about ignoring it? I can't ignore it. Every time I look in the goddamn mirror I see _this_!" He pointed to his chest. "Not exactly easy to ignore is it? " He stopped and took a couple of shallow breaths. His chest was too tight to take deep ones. "So tell me – why _did_ you run away?"

There was a brief moment of silence and then - "If you must know, I did it for you?"

"For me? Hey, I didn't ask you to do me any favors."

"No, you didn't, because you'll never ask for anything. You always have to be the one to give, to help, to save. But you see, I did it because you're my friend – or at least I thought you were – and I knew you'd be uncomfortable if I stayed around, that you'd hate me and that you'd be better off without me."

"How the hell could I be better off without you", he shouted. "I _need_ you. Don't you get it? Without you around it's – it's just not the same! You just took off Carter – you left me – without even saying goodbye. After everything, I –" He stopped, suddenly confused. Why was he angry- because of what she'd done on the planet or because she'd left – or was it both or neither. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the hallway wall. "You shouldn't have left."

"And I shouldn't have hurt you", she said, sounding quiet and sad. "I – hate the fact that I hurt you. I hate it but there's nothing I can do about it, nothing I _could_ do about it – so I left."

"It wasn't your fault", he said, suddenly feeling tired.

"Wasn't it? That's what everyone keeps saying but I think I was right – and I think you agree with me. I think it _was_ my fault."

He opened his eyes – confused and worried at her words. "What do you mean? Sam, look – I was – I _am_ a bastard. I know you didn't want to hurt me, wouldn't have, if it wasn't for that damned Amazon thing. I'm – I'm sorry about all of this. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I didn't mean to say those things."

"No – it's okay – I deserved it. I think I actually feel better now. You were so nice before that I really felt like hell" She smiled slightly. "But you are right about one thing and that's that I didn't want to hurt you – I'd never want that."

She looked unutterably sad, just standing in the hall, her arms wrapped around hersel. Part of him wanted to open his arms, to say 'C'mere' and to hold her and comfort her. But the stronger part, the part that was still full of anger and fear wouldn't let him. Instead he just watched as she suffered. Good friend you are Jack!

"Then what's wrong? I don't understand." The anger was slowly leaving him – he still didn't know what had caused it – but now he was full of guilt for what he'd said to her. God – they were both so screwed up.

"Jack – don't you see – I didn't want to hurt you but – but the other …" Her words petered out and she stopped.

"Other? What are you talking about Sam?"

She shook her head slightly and then stopped. How could she continue? But then she looked at the man in front of her and knew she had to. It was time to be honest – even if it ended up hurting her.

"I keep wondering what would have happened if was someone else had been there – like Daniel or Teal'c. Would I have been able to stop myself? I somehow think that maybe I could have. I think I'm guilty because – because I _wanted_ you Jack. I wanted something to happen. I wanted to know what you felt like – what it was like to make love with you. You see, I _am_ a terrible person. I think – I think I couldn't stop because of that – because I wanted you – because I loved you."

He swallowed, since that was about the only thing he could do right now. All other mental and physical functions had ceased operating at her words, or at least that's what it felt like. What had she said? Two small lines appeared in between his eyes. They were the only outward sign that he couldn't figure out what the hell had just happened. What – had – she – said? Think Jack, think.

Sam was starting to worry. Oh God – she shouldn't have said it. _Why_ had she said it? He was going to hate her, to despise her. He didn't need this. What was she thinking?

Jack cleared his throat. "Uh – what – did you say?" He'd probably just imagined it. She really couldn't have said what he thought she'd said.

"Nothing", she whispered. Please God, let him have missed it.

"No, no you said something. Sam – did you say - ?"

She gave a tiny, tiny nod (maybe he'd miss that one?).

"Did you mean it?" he frowned.

She nodded again. It was too late anyway – she was already screwed – she might as well go all the way.

"So – you feel guilty because you think this happened as a result of the fact that you -" He blinked, unable to continue. She'd just said she loved him. Without warning, that slightly warm feeling of a few minutes ago grew and grew until it filled his whole body. The anger fell away as if it had never been. Even the fear was diminishing. He wanted to holler – to yell – to tell her he loved her too.

He smiled slowly. "You know, if it had been Teal'c or Daniel – I would have had to shoot them."


	11. Cosmic Crap

_**Oh dear - more angst for our favorite duo. I'm mean - yes, I admit it. Enjoy (or hate me! :-)**_

There are certain moments in every person's life that are etched on the soul. This was one of them. He felt as if things had slowed down to a stop. He wanted to ask Sam if that was possible but couldn't since she was the one who had caused the effect.

In a few brief seconds it felt like a million things went through his mind. They say that your life passes in front of you before you die – but he could attest to the fact that that wasn't quite true. He'd been near death too many times, and had actually died a number of those times, and he'd never quite felt like he did now.

"Uh", he watched her flinch and could see the hope slowly die from her eyes. He wanted to kick himself but still he couldn't get the words out. "I should" he gestured to his near naked state, "get dressed."

She nodded and stood stiff and silent as he edged past her. He almost stopped when he thought he heard a small sound, but when it wasn't repeated he moved on until he'd reached the safety of his room. Once he'd closed the door he leaned up against it, wishing he was someplace else, wishing he was some_one_ else.

His first reaction, upon hearing her words, had been one of pure, unadulterated joy. That was swiftly followed by pure, unadulterated panic. What to say? What to do? Of course he'd said something inane – his usual defense when he didn't have a clue how to cope with an emotional situation. That would have been okay, however – Sam did know him after all – except his words were swiftly followed by another thought. He – they – couldn't do anything. They were prohibited. This was wrong. Sam _couldn't_ love him and he couldn't love her. They were both officers in the – holy crap!

She _wasn't an officer_! The thought went round and round as he had continued to stare at her. They weren't bound by anything. This wasn't illegal, immoral or insane. He could love her and she could love him! The joy returned.

Followed swiftly by the agony. He _couldn't_ love her – at least, he _did_ love her – but it was no good. He'd been through hell in his life and had more baggage than a mule train. Still, he might have given in except for this last incident. It was one bag too many.

He couldn't do it to her. He couldn't tell her he loved her, bind her to him, all the while knowing that he was broken. And the problem was – he didn't know if he could be fixed. It wasn't that he didn't love her, because he did. It was that he couldn't _love_ her. The thought of touching her, of any physical intimacy made him break out into a cold sweat. How could he possibly love a woman who terrified him, he asked himself. The answer was – he can't.

He'd have to tell her. He'd have to somehow let her down gently – explain that it wasn't her, it was him.

Oh yeah, that will work O'Neill! The next thing she'd be waiting to hear from him was 'we can still be friends'. She'd probably kick his ass all the way to Colorado Springs – and he'd deserve every last kick and bruise. Either that or she'd be so filled with guilt she'd never get over it.

God! He ran his fingers through his hair. What the hell was he going to do? He couldn't love her and he couldn't leave her. Either way he'd hurt the woman he loved more than life itself. Why oh why had he come here? Why oh why had he fallen in love with her? Damn you Jack O'Neill – you've hurt another person you love!

Sam stood frozen in the hallway, not quite sure what had just happened. She hadn't expected Jack to suddenly declare his undying love for her but she hadn't expected that look of panic either. She sighed and straightened up. She should have kept her mouth shut. She'd probably just wacked a hornet's nest.

With another sigh she turned towards her bedroom. She needed to get away for awhile and figure out what to do and what to say to the Colonel when he finally came out of his room – which by the look of things could be a long time.

She grabbed her jacket and purse and headed to his room. She tapped softly. "Colonel – I'm going into town to pick some things up. I'll be back in a couple of hours." She heard his soft 'okay' and headed out to her car.

Jack paced around his room – the towel lying in a heap on the floor. He eventually decided he'd better get dressed because prancing around naked was only making him chilly. Once he'd dressed he headed out into the cottage and grabbed a beer.

After an hour of pacing – of standing up and sitting down, of trying to watch TV (nothing but crap), read a book (couldn't concentrate), fixing himself something to eat (wasn't hungry) and debating whether to call either Jeff or Daniel (too chicken), he decided to go for a walk. Maybe getting some fresh air would be good.

He decided to head in a direction he'd never been before, relying on his innate sense of direction to get back. He walked as briskly as possible, hoping that by tiring himself out he could stop the whirling thoughts.

No – there was no way this would work, as much as he wanted it to. He was too messed up. It frightened him horribly – but the thought of sex – hell, of just _kissing_ made him break out into a cold sweat. He had no interest in it – which was a terribly sad and depressing thought. No matter that it was awful for him, he knew no relationship could withstand something like that.

And he couldn't even tell her the truth! She would blame herself and then both of them would feel like hell. Damn, he'd just have to lie and tell her – tell her what? That he didn't love her? No – he'd have to tell her he didn't want to have another relationship, not after Sara and Charlie. Maybe she'd believe him.

He'd been walking a long, long time – and the sun was starting to go down. Crap – he hoped he could get back before dark because the trail, such as it was, was very rough in spots. All he needed was a fall.

Sam arrived back to the cottage, wishing she could be anywhere but here. She didn't know what she was going to say or do. She'd thought things were complicated before but now – hell, this was _way_ beyond complicated, into the realm of 'totally screwed'. She sat for awhile behind the wheel of the car until she'd gathered her courage together. It had to be done – and might as well be done now. She just hoped she'd survive.

Okay, that was a disappointment – or maybe a relief, she wasn't quite sure what. She'd arrived, expecting to see Jack and do this, and he wasn't home.

Oh God! He'd gone. He'd left. She leaned her head against the patio door and felt like bursting into tears. She should have known better. The Colonel hated dealing with emotions and so he'd fled. She was pretty sure she'd find a note somewhere, telling her that 'thanks for the nice time Carter. See you soon.' She didn't even want to look.

Was it better this way? What if she didn't have to see him anymore? What if she didn't have to deal with it? Would that be easier? But then there was Daniel and Teal'c and Janet. There's no way they'd let her get away with it and she couldn't very well cut herself off from all of them.

Or could she? Would that make it easier? She could send them all an occasional card and call on their birthdays. Then she wouldn't have to deal with it.

As if they'd let her do that. Daniel would show up on her doorstep, followed swiftly by Teal'c. Janet would _never_ let her get away with it and then, of course, there was Jacob.

Oh shit! Her father. What was she going to say to him? She plopped down in a chair and buried her head in her hands. He was going to kill her.

She felt something sticking into her side and moved over. She pulled whatever it was out of the chair and stopped cold when she saw what it was. It was Jack's cell phone.

The sight of it made her suddenly burst into tears. She held it up to her cheek and sobbed into it – the reminder of him almost too much to bear. "Why did you leave?" she asked repeatedly, although she knew why. He didn't know how to handle her declaration of love. Her stupid, idiotic, ridiculous declaration.

It was much later and the light was fading fast before she got up and went to the bathroom. She walked in and didn't turn on the light, not wanting to see herself. It was only when she went to wash her hands that she saw his toothbrush sitting in the cup on the sink. Did he forget that too?

She looked around the bathroom and discovered all his things – what little of them there were. His comb, his shampoo and his shaving kit were all there. Without stopping to think she ran to his bedroom and threw the door open. All his things were still there as well.

He hadn't left! But then – where was he? She frowned and looked at her watch. It was almost 4:30 and the sun would be going down soon. He couldn't have gone into town; it was too far without a car and he'd turned in his rental as there was no reason to keep it since she had hers.

"Where the hell are you Jack O'Neill?" she asked quietly.

Jack had just decided that he was in hell. It had been that kind of day and now this! He'd managed to hike all over this world and many others, in all kinds of weather and conditions, with people shooting at him, chasing him and generally trying to kill him, and he'd done just fine. Today, he'd gone out for a short walk _on his own planet, with no one chasing him or even caring where he was_ and he'd gone and tripped and sprained his ankle.

He was pretty sure it wasn't broken but it hurt like hell. He also knew it was going to take a long time to get back to the cottage and Sam was going to be worried. Of course he left without his cell. What the hell had he been thinking? Even an amateur knows enough not to go hiking in the woods without a cell phone.

He started hopping, trying to find a branch that was big enough to use as a crutch, but as yet hadn't found anything. Instead, he hopped from tree to tree and branch to branch. At this rate he'd get back in time for the summer tourist season.

It was pitch dark out and Sam was getting worried. Where could he have gone? She suddenly started imagining all sorts of scenarios – from alien abduction to Jack having thrown himself off a cliff into the ocean. Both were ridiculous but in her state she couldn't help but think that it would be just their luck for something awful to happen. She picked up her own phone half a dozen times, debating whether to call Daniel and Teal'c, or even General Hammond. The only thing that stopped her was the fact that the Colonel would kill her if they sent out a rescue party and he was down at some local pub drinking a glass of beer.

By 7:30 she grew so worried that she decided it was time to call someone. She couldn't decide whether to call her friends or the local police. In the long run it might be less embarrassing to call the police.

She'd just picked up the phone when she heard a crash outside. She froze – wondering what it could be, when all of a sudden she heard loud cursing. The Colonel! Thank God.

She raced to the door and turned on the outside light, only to see him hopping up the walk. He looked like hell – his clothes were mussed and torn and he looked exhausted. She ran down the steps and, without asking, threw her arm around his waist. "Lean on me." She knew how exhausted he was by the fact that he didn't argue.

They made their way into the living room and she helped him over to the couch, where he collapsed.

"What happened?" she said, squatting down beside him. She looked at him in concern, trying to figure out if there was anything else wrong.

"Tripped and hurt my ankle", he answered. "Left my phone here."

"I know. I found it. Let me get you a cup of tea and then I'll take a look at it. Is it bad?"

"No, not too bad although I can't put much weight on it. I think it's just a sprain."

For the next few minutes she got him something to eat and drink and helped bind up his ankle. The conversation was purely about that – nothing else was said.

Once Jack was settled – the fire on in the fireplace, a blanket covering him and a plate of food on his lap, Sam finally sat down in the chair across from him. "Where did you go?" she finally asked. She noticed he wasn't looking at her, which wasn't a good sign.

"I don't know – just went for a long walk over to the south east." He took a few bites of his dinner and shoved the rest around his plate with the fork.

"Mmm", she replied. Finally she took a deep breath and –

"We have to talk", he said, before she had a chance to speak. He leaned forward and set the plate on the coffee table.

She looked at him in surprise. Those were words that Jack rarely if ever used. She nodded her head. "Yes, we do."

"Look – about before – I'm sorry. I didn't mean to run off on you like that, I just – didn't know quite what to say."

"I know", she smiled slightly, although she there was nothing really humorous in the situation. "I scared you, didn't I?"

He finally looked up at that, somewhat surprised by her words. "Not – scared just - not quite sure what to say. I – look Sam, you know how much you mean to me and this is hard but -"

"I'm pregnant."

For the second time that day his world felt like it was totally off kilter. He briefly wondered if some alien force wasn't screwing with time and matter because things felt – surreal. He blinked at her and then blinked again. "What?"

"I'm pregnant", she repeated softly, her eyes filling with tears. "I found out this afternoon. I had to go to the drug store to get some shampoo and I happened to walk down the 'family planning' aisle. I hadn't even thought about it before now, but when I came to the section with pregnancy tests it suddenly dawned on me I hadn't – that it had been a while. I grabbed one, not really thinking I _would _ be – but I decided to make sure. I mean, I _knew_ I wouldn't be but this way I'd be sure. I went into the bathroom at McDonalds and – and it was positive. I went back and bought two more tests and they both came out positive and – and _I'm sorry!_"

This was something Thor was doing, he was positive. It was like that time bubble and the replicators. Things were happening way too fast and yet the world looked like he was seeing it through a vat of honey. "What?" he asked again. He was pretty sure he hadn't understood anything – except she'd gone to McDonalds. That confused him because he was almost positive that she hated McDonalds.

"Jack, did you hear what I said? I'm pregnant."

Okay, she must have been seeing someone before the last mission. She hadn't told anyone she was, but that didn't mean she couldn't have had a boyfriend. Unless it was Teal'c? No, no – don't be ridiculous Jack. Teal'c wouldn't do that – not his friend. It couldn't have been Daniel either because he couldn't have kept it a secret. No, it had to have been some boyfriend. Jack would just have to find him and kill him.

"Pregnant?" he finally managed to get out. "Who – I didn't know you had a boyfriend." There, that made sense. See, you can do this Jack.

"Boyfriend?" she looked confused. "I don't. Sir – this – it has to be from – the planet."

"What planet?"

"_Sir_! It's got to be yours."

"Mine? But – no Carter. You said you were on birth control and that Janet had given you that pill thingy. Can't be mine – must be the boyfriend."

"I don't _have_ a boyfriend and I haven't had one for a long, long time. It's – you Sir. There's been no one else." She wanted to burst into tears again. What the hell was he doing? Why was he doing this to her? It was only then that she really looked at him and realized. He was in shock. The poor man – she should have waited to tell him. But waited till when?

She laughed at herself softly, bitterly. He was just reacting the way she'd reacted after seeing the damn positive on the little magic wand. She hadn't wanted to believe it either.

"I don't know why Jack – I didn't lie about that – but I am pregnant. Those tests are almost 100% accurate."

"But - !" She was _pregnant_! How – no, he knew _how_ – but _why_? Why now? Why him? Why _them?_ There must be a cosmic sadist up there somewhere who was determined to do everything he could to make their lives hell. "Okay", he finally said, still feeling like he was in the middle of some alternate universe.

"Okay? That's all you can say?"

"I – don't know what _to_ say. I didn't – I can't – how can you be pregnant?"

"I think it may be something to do with the obelisk. Didn't Daniel say it was used to help the Amazons procreate?"

"Of course it was the obelisk", he replied. "Of course you're pregnant." He sighed and rubbed his eyes, slowly starting to come out of whatever reality he'd just been in. "I'm sorry Car- Sam. I – I've been a bastard all day and this – I didn't expect this. We need to talk about it, to figure out what to do, but not right now. I think – I need some time to process this and right now I don't feel exactly up to it."

She nodded, realizing that what he said was right. They needed to sleep on it – or not sleep on it probably – and deal with it in the morning. Still, she wished – she needed someone right now. She was about ready to break in two and she didn't know what to do.

She heard a noise and saw Jack struggling to sit up. She wanted to help but knew he still shied away from physical contact. He finally managed to get up and then pushed himself to his feet and, holding on to the couch, slowly hobbled over to the chair where she was seated. He reached down with his hand. She stared at it for a moment until she realized he wanted her to take it. In surprise she did just that and he pulled her to her feet.

He looked at her for a brief moment – a lop-sided smile on his face. Then he pulled her forward until she was leaning up against him and he put his arms around her.

She noticed that his hold was not as tight as usual and his arms were shaking – but he was holding her. She sighed and rested her head on his shoulder. She then felt his hand reach up to the back of her head. It felt – wonderful.

"It'll be okay Sam", he said softly into her neck. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. We'll figure this out."

She gave a tiny nod into his neck, the tears running down her cheeks and dripping onto his chest. God, she loved this man.

As Jack felt the first drop hit him he closed his eyes. He smiled briefly. Well – there went his plan out the window. O'Neill – what the hell are you going to do now?


	12. Challenges

_**So – my 'apology du jour' is not that it's taken me so long to post because I've been busy (although honestly I feel like I always am) but rather because I've had terrible writer's block. I wanted to make this chapter as in character as I could and struggled to make the reactions real. I'm not totally satisfied with it but since I didn't want to make you, my faithful readers, wait any more I finally posted it. I hope it's okay and that you feel I portrayed the characters honestly! I know Sam in this story has seemed rather weak - but I felt that was realistic based on all that had happened. I assure you she will return to her strong self in succeeding chapters.**_

It was only when she felt him sway that she realized how long they'd been standing there. It had just been so _nice_ to be held by him. "You should sit down", she said softly into his shoulder. She tried to pull away, but he held her for a moment before letting her go.

"Yeah", he grimaced slightly. "My leg is starting to go numb!" He turned back to the couch and hopped over, sitting down with a deep sigh. "That's better. I need to get some crutches."

"I'm sorry", she told him, and neither of them were quite sure what she was sorry about; his ankle, the pregnancy, making him stand for so long or just the whole situation. "I can go into town and get some from the drug store." She went to move, to grab her keys and go. She didn't know what else to do.

"Sam."

She looked up at him then, unsure and afraid. "Yes? It won't take me long. I think they're open till midnight and you won't want to be without -"

"_Sam_."

"I – I didn't mean to upset you", the words fell over each other. "You don't have to – I mean, it doesn't matter. I know you don't – but I just – it's okay Sir. I don't expect anything from -"

"_**Sam**_! Shut up and c'mere."

"What?" She was confused. What was he doing? She watched as he patted the couch beside him. She raised her eyes and looked at him. "Sir?"

"Jack. And get your butt over here and sit down. I don't need crutches right now."

"But S- Jack, you don't – I mean, I thought you didn't want -" Damn it all! Why couldn't she speak? Her brain was all mush right now and nothing seemed to make sense. Get your act together Sam. You are a strong, capable woman. Stop this!

"What I don't want is for you to keep standing there. Now get over here and sit down!" He used his 'Colonel' voice and wasn't surprised to see her immediately follow his order. He expected that in a little while she'd realize and be pissed – and tell him she didn't have to follow those orders anymore. Right now, however, she acted out of instinct and habit. "Sit!" He told her when she stayed standing beside him. She sat.

"There, now come here and just stop thinking. I'm not going anywhere Sam, we'll figure this out."

She scooted next to him – briefly wondering how he was handling this so well. The next moment she did what he said and stopped thinking. She was surprised when he pulled her closer but decided to just enjoy it and laid her head against his shoulder and relaxed in his comforting presence.

Jack sat there trying to relax. It's not that he wasn't totally freaked about the pregnancy, because he was. He just refused to think about it right now. Instead, he concentrated on Carter, on Sam. She needed him and he had to be there for her, even if he still found it difficult to touch her.

He'd known, when he'd seen her there, so lost and frightened, that he had to put his own fears aside and help her. It's what he'd been thinking just a few days ago, and it still held true. She was more important than any fears he might have. He'd had to breathe deeply and force himself to not think of the mess they were in and his own fears, but he'd managed to reach for her and to put his arms around her.

The good news – after a few moments he had felt his own anxiety subside and he actually began to enjoy her closeness. He felt her tremble – or maybe it was him. All he knew was that suddenly it was okay.

When she'd stepped away from him when they were standing he'd felt his heart speed up and instantly missed her. He _needed_ her. God – he was so confused. He didn't know what was harder for him – being close to her, or being away from her. His head, and his heart, felt like they wanted to burst.

He was so caught up in his own sudden turmoil that it took him a while before he realized she was sleeping. He gently reached out and touched her temple, gently moving back her hair. She was so beautiful! He really wished this could be simple – that he could sit here and wait for her to wake up, and then tell her that he loved her and they were going to be happy together. He laughed softly. As if anything was _ever_ simple in their F**ked up lives!

She was pregnant! God! He'd avoided thinking about it but knew it was time to start facing it. The problem was, he wasn't ready for this. A shaft of fear flew through him – he couldn't do it! Then, strangely, the feeling of fear was quickly followed by a confusing feeling of - excitement. Damn it! He wished he could decide how to feel – and what to do.

She was pregnant and he was the father. Okay Jack – that was the reality. That was the mess that had landed in your lap this time. So - what the _hell_ was he going to do? His mind went around in circles until he finally forced himself to stop. With more than a little irony he gave himself the advice he'd just given Carter. _Stop thinking_.

* * *

"Jack."

"Mmm?" He turned and buried his head in her neck. It smelled so good, was so soft. "Mmm", he mumbled again.

"Jack! Wake up!"

"Mmm? What –?" He lifted his head. He was sitting on the couch, Sam pressed against his side.

"We fell asleep." she told him, scooting away from him. "It's late and I thought we should get to bed."

"Yeah – sounds like a plan." He realized then that his ankle was throbbing and he really should put it up and get some ice on it.

"I'm going to get you some ice and some ibuprofen", she told him, as if she was reading his mind. "Let me help you to your room and then I'll get everything."

He nodded and allowed her to pull him up. She put her arm around him and helped him down the hall. Although he'd felt a sudden rush of anxiety when she'd reached for him, it had subsided quickly. Hell – maybe he _was_ getting over this.

"There", she led him to the bed and helped him sit. "I'll be right back."

By the time she'd returned with the ice, a drink and the painkiller he had changed into his sweats, had used the bathroom and was sitting on the side of his bed – thinking.

"Thanks", he took the drink and the pills.

"Here, if you put your legs up I'll get the ice on your ankle." She waited while he did as she instructed. "There, leave that on for a bit and then take it off before you go to sleep. Hopefully it will be better by morning."

"Thanks", he said softly. She smiled and walked to the door. "Sam?"

"Yeah?" she turned around and looked at him.

"We'll talk in the morning. It'll be okay."

She nodded and, with a small smile, that didn't quite reach her eyes, she left.

* * *

She didn't sleep that night, instead her mind kept racing with thoughts of all that had happened and more importantly, all that was going to happen. She was pregnant! The reality hadn't sunk in yet, all she knew was that her life had changed, drastically, and she couldn't keep up.

It was not just what had happened on the planet or the fact that she was pregnant that was driving her crazy. No, it was much more than that. She'd given up her career for the Colonel's sake – a least mostly for his sake. Then he'd shown up here, something she hadn't expected. The last week, with him here, had been – wonderful. Oh, it had been stressful in some ways, and she'd still felt guilty as hell, but she'd appreciated even more how _good_ a man he was. He'd come for her sake, to help her, even with everything he'd gone through. For a long time she'd put any and all _inappropriate_ feelings for the Colonel into a box. Now, in one short week, they'd not only escaped from that box, they'd completely and absolutely consumed her.

And then she'd gone and made the situation even worse by telling him she loved him. God, he must have been so embarrassed, so uncomfortable! Now things were really a mess. She knew his sense of honor and duty. He wouldn't walk from this. As he'd said last night, he was here for her. He'd be stuck with a woman who loved him – but for whom all he felt was friendship and duty. Could things get any worse?

"I should go into town and get those crutches." She spoke quickly as she ran around the kitchen preparing breakfast. She hadn't once looked at him since he'd made his way out from his bedroom. "Unless you want to leave? I understand if you do and I can drive you into town. It may be hard to make it though, with that ankle, so you may want to wait a day or so. Of course you're welcome to stay. I can go into town and leave you some privacy – I don't mind."

"Stop."

She looked up at that and he winced at the expression in her eyes. They looked so sad. "I'm sorry", she told him. "I'm sorry for everything."

He'd spent a lot of time after he'd woken up that morning, thinking about what had happened and the situation they were in. He didn't know what Sam wanted to do about the baby, but whatever her decision, he'd be right there beside her. In fact, something had happened in the night to make him realize that's where he _should _ be, where he needed to be, where he _had _to be – regardless of whether there was a baby or not. He'd been a fool before to think he could possibly live without Carter. Yes, it was going to be hard. Yes, they'd have to deal with a lot of crap, both from this incident and the many others they'd dealt with over the years. And yes, there was Jacob – okay, that _might_ make him change his mind! No – not even Jacob could do that. He belonged with Sam, he needed her, he wanted her. And damn it all to hell- now he had the opportunity to be with her – if she'd have _him._

"For everything?" he finally smiled. "Sam, you've done a lot in your life but I really don't think you can take credit for everything. I mean, Daniel has to take credit for _something._" When she didn't laugh, or hit him, he grimaced. "Look – you don't have anything to be sorry for. The only thing you did was follow my orders on that damn planet. The rest – there's nothing to be sorry about."

She shrugged, still not looking at him. Damn. He had his work cut out for him.

"And I'm not going anywhere Carter – not unless you throw me out. We're in this together and I'm here for you. We'll figure it out", he said again.

"How can we? It's not like it's just us anymore. Now there's someone else – an innocent child that owes its life to a piece of alien technology!"

"Sam – listen, it may be true that that thing is what brought us together – and in a way neither of us would have wanted. But that baby owes its life to _us_ – not to technology. It's a part of us and that's all there is to it. Like I told you – we'll figure this out. It _will_ be okay, I promise."

"How can you? How can you promise that? I'm the one who's pregnant – this isn't your problem."

"Of course it is. At least – it's not a problem so much as a -"

"A what?"

"A - a _challenge_ ." He tried to smile, although he was pretty sure it was a pathetic attempt.

"A challenge?" She looked at him as if he were crazy.

"Yup – and we're pretty good at those. It's what we _do_ Major. We're always better when we have a challenge in front of us. And we're going to do okay now."

She stared at him, her expression hard to read. She finally took a deep breath and spoke. "Earlier you seemed – I thought you were going to leave." There, she'd said it. She knew damn well he'd been about to give her the brush off. That's why she'd blurted it out that she was pregnant. The thought of him going away terrified her. But now – now she felt even guiltier that she was making him stay.

He sighed and rubbed his hands through his hair. Truth time. "Yeah – I was."

"But you changed your mind because I'm pregnant." She sounded bitter and he winced. Why hadn't he told her how he felt _before_ she'd found out about being pregnant? He knew it was going to take a lot to convince her that he was _happy_ he had an excuse to not leave. He couldn't quite say he was happy about the pregnancy – not yet at least – but he was glad that he had an opportunity to stick around. Leaving would have just about killed him.

"The pregnancy – only gave me the excuse I needed", he told her honestly. "I had decided to leave because - I thought it would be better for you if I left."

She looked at him skeptically; sure he was only saying that to make her feel better. She knew about his sense of duty. He'd never leave her in the lurch, not with a baby on the way. What if she told him she wasn't keeping it? He'd probably be relieved and then he could get on with his life without her and a child to deal with.

"I'll be fine sir", she told him. "I - don't know if I'll keep it. You don't need to stay around for me."

Was that hurt she saw in his eyes? It couldn't be. Relief yes – hurt – why would he be hurt? She was so confused.

Jack took a moment to get his emotions under control. He didn't know if he wanted this child – at least he hadn't known until she said that. Now, suddenly, he felt fear at the thought of her not keeping the baby. Did he want a child? Did he want to be a father again? He didn't know - the thought hadn't really had a chance to take root. All he knew was he felt a desperate need to convince her that he wanted to stay – and that he wanted this baby. He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them and looked at her. "I know it's up to you Sam but – whatever you decide I'm staying. I'm here for _you_. If you keep the baby – of course I'll be here for him or her too, but I'm not going anywhere, no matter what." There! He'd said it and suddenly felt such a sense of relief that he wanted to collapse in a heap in front of her. He knew things weren't going to be easy, but _finally_ he felt like he was doing the right thing.

"But why do you want to stay? You'll be happier without me. You can get on with your life and don't need me around to remind you what happened."

"Sam – " He took a deep breath. "I don't _want_ to get on with my life!" He seemed to realize how that sounded and shook his head in frustration. "What I mean is, I don't want to get on with it without you. I – will be honest and still say that I was leaving because I'm having some – trouble – getting close to people – physically close. I didn't want you to have to put up with the crap I'm going through. _That's_ why I was going – not because I didn't want to."

"And you're not going to leave?" she asked seriously. "Nothing I say or do will make you go?"

"Nope."

She nodded, looking at him with a strange expression on her face. He wasn't quite sure if she was happy or sad that he refused to leave. If it was anything like him, it was a bit of both. He prayed that they could get through this together.

She nodded and her face became calm. It looked like she'd accepted his decision, although he'd known Carter long enough to know that things ran deep under that beautiful face. He was pretty sure he hadn't heard the end of it. He was a little surprised that she hadn't followed up more closely on his reasons for leaving and then his reason for staying. She'd seemed to listen to him – but then hadn't really commented. He knew the next few days were going to be difficult.

After their discussion they agreed to let things rest for a little while. They were both exhausted from all the emotions of the past few hours and days. On Jack's suggestion they went into town, picked up his crutches, had lunch and then went for a drive. They said little to each other, both of them caught up in their own thoughts.

It wasn't until after dinner that evening that they settled down to talk. Jack was pretty sure that he wanted to do this about as much as he wanted a Goa'uld to hit him with a hand device. Still, it had to be done.

He watched as Carter sat in the chair opposite him and couldn't help but smile. She looked about as happy as he did. In fact, he figured that's about how she would look if she were in front of a firing squad.

"Jack", she spoke quickly, determinedly. "I really don't think you should have to worry about this. I mean, it really is my problem and it would be best for you to just go back home."

"Better for whom?" he asked softly.

"For – for you." Her forehead crinkled and she continued. "All this is going to do is make you remember this whole episode and I think we'd both be happier if we could forget it."

"Do you? And do you think you can just forget that you're pregnant with my child?"

"It's not really yours Sir."

"What?" He peered at her in confusion – and fear. _Was_ there a boyfriend? Was the child really not his?"

"It was that machine."

He couldn't believe how relieved he felt. If you'd asked him yesterday whether or not he'd want a child he would have said an emphatic 'no'. Now, he was feeling the glimmerings of something – something warm and hopeful.

"Carter, I told you, that machine has nothing to do with that child. It brought us together, nothing more. _We_ created that baby. The machine was just a – just an – electronic matchmaker."

"_Matchmaker?"_

"Okay, so maybe the wrong word – but that baby _is_ mine and as long as it exists I'm here."

"Because it's your duty?"

"No, because I _want_ to be here. I told you – I was going to leave because I thought it would be better for you. It was _never_ for me – well, maybe just a tiny bit. I told you I'm – having some trouble – but it has nothing to do with how I feel about you."

Should she ask she wondered? Did she want to know how he felt about her and could she believe what he said? No matter what he said, the call of duty was strong for this man. "So, what happens now?" she finally asked. She debated about asking for the truth, but suddenly decided, in the end, that ignorance in this case, was better. "If I do - keep the baby - what are we going to do?" she asked.

Jack felt both relieved and terrified – relieved that she was letting him stay – terrified because – he didn't know if he could be there for her and for the child. He'd screwed up his family once before. Could he do better this time? He didn't know, but he damned sure was going to try!

"I don't' know about you", he answered. "Me? I'm going to make sure that you're okay."

"And what about the baby?"

"The baby? Well, I guess we'll just hope it has your brains and looks Carter", he gave her a small smile. "If it takes after me, it's in _big_ trouble!"

With that she burst into tears, at which time he reached for her and pulled her close. He sighed and then rested his head gently on hers and held her while she cried. Yup – this was going to be a challenge all right. Then he smiled softly – oh well - he'd always enjoyed challenges!


	13. Leaving

She was thoroughly torn and confused by the time she went to bed that night. By the time she woke up she knew what she had to do. Knowing, however, didn't make it any easier.

Jack was sitting drinking a cup of coffee when she made her way into the kitchen. He grinned a good morning at her, looking happier and more relaxed then she had seen him in a long time. That's what made this even harder.

"Mornin'", he lifted his cup in a toast and then took a sip.

"Good morning." She gave him a brief smile and then fixed herself a cup of tea and a slice of toast. She wasn't feeling very hungry this morning but it gave her something to do and a way of avoiding what was coming.

"So – feel like going somewhere today? I thought we could head into Boston if you're up to it and maybe see a concert, stay overnight. Whatya say? Sound like fun?"

She nodded distractedly, not really paying attention. All she could think of was how to tell him. She knew it was going to hurt him terribly and that's the last thing she wanted.

"Or else we could go with Thor. He popped by and invited us to go on a picnic. He said he'd bring the wieners if we brought the buns."

"Sounds good", she answered, taking a sip of tea.

Jack frowned, wondering what was wrong. He could feel his heart start to speed up and knew that wasn't good. It was the same feeling he got just before things went FUBAR when he was on a mission. He'd always had a good sense about impending disaster and was pretty sure it was about to happen again. The only difference was this time he was positive it wasn't his life on the line, but his soul.

"Sam. What is it?" he finally asked gently. She looked up in surprise. She had zoned out there for a few moments.

"Huh?"

"Well, you seemed to think that going on a picnic with Thor was a good idea so I kind of got the impression that your mind was elsewhere."

Instead of smiling she simply nodded and set down her cup. "Jack – we have to talk."

Okay, since he'd been here with her he'd been pretty proud of the way he'd forced himself to 'talk'. It wasn't his forte – hell, usually he avoided it like the plague – but this time he'd known it was not only necessary, but vital. It was the only way they could both get through this.

But now – now he wanted to get up and run away or cover his ears and hum. He did _not_ want to talk – because he knew she was going to say things he really, really didn't want to hear.

"Yeah, okay", he answered, although the words almost got stuck in his teeth. "What do you want to talk about? I thought we covered everything last night."

So had she and yet, after she'd gone to bed she'd realized that she couldn't do what he wanted. Oh, a big part of her wanted to let go, to let him look after her and – the baby. But she knew she couldn't let him do that. Since this whole thing had started she'd felt like she had lost all control. She'd been full of guilt and regret, she'd given up her career and she'd hurt the man she loved. She didn't recognize herself anymore. Where was the strong, capable woman she knew she was? She had turned into a weak, crying woman unable to make any decisions or look after herself. So, she had decided late last night that that had to stop. She needed to rediscover herself, she needed to find the strength and purpose she'd lost on that planet and she needed to deal with her guilt. And she had to do it on her own otherwise she'd lose herself for good. As much as she wanted to let Jack handle everything, she knew it wouldn't work and would end up hurting them both.

"I've decided to go stay with my brother. I called him late last night and he told me I can come for as long as I want."

"I see." He was surprised at how steady his voice was considering that his world was slowly starting to crumble.

"Do you Jack?" her lips turned up but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "I – can't tell you how much what you said last night meant to me. You're a good man but -"

He grimaced. "Yeah, I get that a lot – at least the 'but' part."

This time she did smile. "You _are _a good man – there are no buts about it. It's just – I need to be on my own right now. I need to figure this out, to decide what to do. As much as I appreciate what you're trying to do it won't work. I need to do this by myself."

"Why?"

"Because – it would be too simple for me to let you handle everything. I've served under you for years, you've always been the one making the decisions and it's so easy for me to continue like that. But this – this isn't like going on missions or even" and here she smiled, "or even saving the world. This is my _life_ and I need to figure out what to do on my own. I can't let you look after me anymore. I need to look after myself for a change. Don't you see, I'm the one who has to fix me - I can't ask you to do that for me."

"But this isn't just about you", he pointed out. "What about the baby?"

"I – don't know what to do about that yet. I can promise that – if I decide to keep it, I will make sure you are involved when it comes. I would never keep your child from you."

"Why thanks." The words were thick with sarcasm. He had to keep calm, but he could feel the anger start to build. In actual fact it was more hurt than anger – but anger he could deal with – hurt he couldn't. "I appreciate that Carter. Nice to know you'll let me come for a visit with my own kid."

"I didn't say that Jack", she frowned, looking slightly hurt. "Look, this doesn't mean – you _know_ how much you mean to me. I need some time, that's all I'm asking. Just a little time to – figure things out. I just can't let you try and make everything okay. It's _not_ okay – _I'm_ not okay and I need to be. I need to deal with all this in my own way. I can't let you -" she stopped, aware from his expression that he wasn't going to listen to anything she said.

" – let me? You can't let me _help_ you, be there for you, support you?" He stood up. "Fine – go see your brother. I'm sure he'll be glad to see you. I hope you figure out whatever it is Carter. Send me a postcard and let me know you're having a good time." He turned towards the door, needing to get out of here.

"Jack!"

He stopped and took a deep breath and spoke over his shoulder. "Carter, you've gotta do what you've gotta do. I get it, okay. Just – take care of yourself and if you -" his voice faded. "I guess you've got your brother if you need anything. I'm sorry I'm not what you need." With that he left the room.

Damn! She threw her piece of toast across the room. She hadn't wanted it to be like this. She'd seen the hurt in his eyes, and that was now added to the visions she still had from the planet. She almost ran out after him but then forced herself to stay. She hadn't been wrong. If they were to move into anything now, it was doomed to failure. Then she laughed ironically – she'd probably doomed them already! There was no way he was going to forgive her. Not now. Still – this _was_ the right decision, as painful as it was. She had to rediscover herself.

She didn't know how long she sat there, but the closing of the front door suddenly made her snap out of her numb inertia. She stood up quickly and rushed out tothe main room to see Jack standing by the door, his duffel bag sitting beside him.

"Jack?"

"I'm waiting for the cab. Thought I'd heard it drive up."

"You don't have to go."

He snorted softly. "Of course I do. It's been – nice – Carter. Thanks for everything. Uh, I think I'm gonna wait outside."

"Please don't do this", she cried softly. "Please Jack – we don't have to do it like this. What you did – coming here – meant everything to me. I don't want you to leave angry and hurt. This isn't meant to hurt you -"

"It's for the best", he interrupted. "We've said everything we need to – probably more than we should have. I want what's best for you Sam, I really do but I can't – I can't do this anymore." He reached down to the handle and turned it. It was only then that he looked up at her and he gave her a small smile. "You take care Carter." With that he was gone.

She spent the rest of the day in tears, but by the end she was still sure that she'd made the right decision. What made her cry was the way she'd handled it. She knew that she'd lost him – and it was the most painful thing she'd ever experiences. Rubbing the tears off her face she turned to the dresser and starting pulling out clothes. She couldn't stay here anymore. There were too many memories of Jack. No – she'd pack up and head out tomorrow to San Diego.

* * *

Jack opened his front door and breathed a sigh of relief. He was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to collapse on the couch. He'd been travelling for almost 18 hours – unwilling to wait for a better flight to Colorado Springs. He'd needed desperately to get home – like a wounded animal, he snorted to himself. Well – enough of that! He was going to call Hammond in the morning and tell him he had resolved things with Carter and was ready and able to go back to work.

Resolved! Yeah, that was certainly true. They'd resolved things so that they weren't part of each other's lives. He wondered briefly what she was going to do about the pregnancy but forced himself to stop thinking about it. He knew it could drive him insane if he allowed it to. What he needed to do was to forget everything about that mission and simply get on with his life.

* * *

"Jack, whadya do that for?" Daniel looked at him in disgust. "He's young but he'll learn. You didn't have to bite his head off!"

"What?" Jack faced his friend, his face awash in confusion. "What are you talking about Daniel?"

"Peters!"

"What about him?"

"What! What _about_ him? Jack, you just about ripped his throat out today over nothing. So he was slightly off on the readings – he corrected them almost immediately and it didn't hurt anything!"

"Daniel he's not _supposed_ to make mistakes like that – even minor ones. We depend on him giving us correct information. He knows that."

"_Everyone_ makes mistakes Jack – even you! Hell, Sam -"

"Shut the F**k up Daniel", he rounded on the younger man. "This isn't about Carter or about you or me or anyone. If Peters wants to be on this team he'll learn to _not_ make mistakes and do his job correctly. I was doing _my_ job by reminding him of that."

"I don't think he does", Daniel said softly, looking carefully at the older man. Jack looked like he'd aged over the last few months. He'd also lost the – spark – that made him Jack O'Neill. Oh, he was still as competent as he'd always been but it was almost as if he was getting through each day by doing what was required but there was no joy, no excitement, no wonder anymore. He didn't laugh, he didn't joke - he simply did his job.

"Don't think he does _what?" _

Jack was beginning to look pissed and Daniel wondered if he should just quit while he was ahead. But then he thought again of Peter's face – and of Simons and Martinez and Chen – all the people they'd brought in to fill Sam's place. Each of them had tried their hardest but Jack had refused all of them. Daniel knew Hammond was at his wits end – but he also knew the General was cutting the Colonel some slack – as they all were. Still – today had been the last straw for Daniel. "I don't think he wants to be on our team. I don't think anyone does."

"What? You're crazy Daniel! We're sg1 – everyone wants to be on this team."

"No – not anymore – a few months ago, yes. Now, they want to stay as far away as possible. Jack – don't you see what you're doing? You're chewing them up and spitting them out – every single officer who's come on the team. I've heard that Hammond had to order Peters to come with us - that he told Hammond he'd prefer any other assignment."

Jack looked at the archaeologist in shock. He'd had no idea – which in and of itself was bad. What kind of commander treated his men – or women – like that? He briefly thought back to the different people who had tried out for the team and he could barely remember any of them. The whole thing had passed by him in a fog. He shook his head slightly, knowing he had to get a hold of himself. "Tell Peters I want to see him", he suddenly told Daniel.

"Uh Jack – do you think that's such a good idea? I mean, the kid really tried and I don't want you scaring him to death."

"I'm not going to scare him Daniel", he answered with a sigh, running his fingers through his hair. "Look – I'm sorry. I've been a bit distracted lately but I'll be okay and I'm simply going to talk to Peters – I promise."

Daniel nodded briefly and headed towards the door. He glanced back a few times but it looked like Jack was thinking deeply about something. He shook his head – he wished he could call Sam and tell her to get her butt back here. He knew he couldn't however. He didn't know what had actually happened between his two friends, but he knew it was more than his life was worth to interfere.

He and Teal'c and Janet had discussed it ad nauseum but were no closer to finding out what had happened. Janet had tried talking with Sam but was told, pretty bluntly, that it was none of her business. Daniel had spoken briefly with Sam as well, but as soon as she'd known it was him she'd told him she'd hang up if he tried to talk to her about the Colonel.

All that the three of them (and she suspected General Hammond) knew, was that Jack had come back looking – wounded. Oh, it wasn't anything specific, just a look in his eyes. He'd told them straight out that things were fine, that he and 'Carter' had talked and resolved everything. They all knew he was lying. He'd been hurt terribly and they couldn't help him.

Daniel missed the old Jack – the funny, irreverent jokester – who would do anything he could to drive Daniel crazy, but who could also break the tension with a single remark and who would do what was right regardless of how much shit was going to hit the fan. He _missed_ him and didn't know if he was gone for only a little while – or whether he was gone for good.

* * *

Jack sat in his small underground office and waited for Peters to show up. The poor kid - to be landed with a bastard like me, he thought. He hoped he could make it up to him because he suspected Peters was pretty good at what he did.

Over the next few weeks things settled into a regular pattern. He'd finally told Hammond that they'd keep Peters. After Jack's talk to him – which had cleared the way for a good working relationship – things had settled down and he'd given the young man a chance. The fact was – he _was_ good.

Jack knew his friends worried about him but there was nothing he was going to tell them. What had happened in Maine was something that would remain there. He'd keep it – at least most of it – as a cherished memory.

He'd gotten on just fine the last few months. Every mission had been a success and there had been little bloodshed, on either side. Work was going well for a change. Unlucky in love – lucky in war, he guessed.

He'd thought about calling Jeff on a few occasions but always talked himself out of it. He didn't want anyone to know about Carter - and Jeff was _really_ good at ferreting out this kind of thing. And anyway, there was nothing the therapist could do. No, it was best that he just forgot about her. He reached for the remote and clicked on the TV. Best to not think of anything but hockey.

* * *

Sam drove up across the street from his house and parked her car. He was obviously home, but she didn't know if she could do this or not. Janet told her she had to – but this was _her_ life and she had to be sure she was doing the right thing.

"Of _course_ it's right you idiot", Janet had told her, sounding a bit angry and a bit dismayed. "Sam, I don't know what happened between the two of you, but Jack has looked like death warmed over ever since he came back from that trip. All of us are worried about him and I'm pretty sure you're the only one who can do anything."

Sam sat up straight. "Has the General grounded him?" she asked – worried about what this would do to his career.

"No – and he doesn't want to. Look Sam, as far as his work is concerned, things are going fine. The Colonel is as brilliant as ever. No – the problem isn't work - it's him personally. Sam, come on – something happened. Can't you tell me?"

"Janet – no I can't. I _can _tell you that I'm here to try and fix things. I don't expect it will be easy -"

"It's the _Colonel_ Sam! Off _course_ it won't be easy."

Sam grinned. "I know – but I promised myself I'd try."

"So – what are you going to do?"

Well, _this_ is what she was going to do, she thought to herself as she sat in her car outside his house. She was going to walk up to Jack's door and knock. The rest would come - she hoped.

So – do it Sam! With a quick prayer, to whichever god was really listening, she grabbed the handle and pushed the car door open. As she neared his front door she felt so sick she almost turned and ran. Courage Sam, she told herself. You're strong and capable - and he won't kill you - she hoped.

She reached out and, with a burst of courage, knocked loudly. A minute or so later she heard footsteps, followed by the deadbolt being pulled back. That sound was followed, almost immediately, by the door opening.

"Carter! What the hell are you doing here?"


	14. That's My Carter

_**So - I want to start by giving a HUGE thank you to all my reviewers. I am constantly amazed by the thoughtful, kind and encouraging comments I get from all of you. That you take the time to review means more than I can say and truly keeps me writing. I am admittedly bad at replying as I try and juggle my time - but I honestly am SO appreciative. My stories are definitely dedicated to all you amazing people.**_

_**This story is slowly coming to an end although there will probably be a couple of more chapters (I say probably because I never seem able to finish exactly where and when I plan). Thank you again and I hope you enjoy!**_

"I came to talk to you Jack", she answered him. She began to get a bit nervous when he continued to stare at her. He didn't look angry – just rather – blank. She knew that was really bad and also knew she had her work cut out for her. Well, the Colonel could be the most stubborn man in the universe – but she was a Carter – and was pretty sure she could equal him for stubbornness.

"Aren't you going to let me in?" she finally asked.

"Why should I? I thought we said everything we needed to back at the cottage."

"Jack please – don't be like this! I really do need to speak with you and, if you don't mind, I'd rather not do it standing on your front step. It's rather – chilly."

Since they'd just gotten a late winter storm the day before, 'chilly' was an understatement. It was extremely cold for this time of year and they'd gotten dumped on by over a foot of snow. With a deep breath – and a feeling that he was about to lose control of the coming situation – he nodded and stepped back.

Sam entered into his warm house, grateful that he'd allowed her to at least come in. Still, she knew that was probably going to be his only concession. His expression had begun to change and now had that look which said that nothing, short of a direct order from the President, was going to make him do something he didn't want to do.

"Uh- do you want to talk here?" she asked, looking around his entranceway. He shrugged and held out his arm, indicating the way to his living room. She quickly pulled off her boots and then moved inside.

She noticed he hadn't offered to take her coat, a pretty plain sign he didn't plan on having her stay long. Well, she was going to get hot with the warm coat so, before she sat down on the couch, she took it off and draped it over the arm of the nearest chair.

Jack's eyes were immediately drawn to her stomach and to the very discernible bump there. Her coat had hidden it but now it was obvious that she was, indeed, pregnant. He'd refused to think about it over the last few months but now – now he could feel the reaction set in. He sat down quickly and clasped his hands together so she wouldn't see them trembling.

God – a sense of relief washed through him – which was quickly followed by the realization that this meant things were as complicated as ever. Still – he was glad. He didn't know what the hell they were going to do, but at least there was still a baby – his child.

Sam hadn't noticed any of Jack's reactions since she'd been focused on taking off her coat. By the time she sat down he had gotten himself under control and was able to look at her calmly – although he continued to feel the reaction through his body. "So Carter – what can I do for you?" He tempered his voice this time – knowing there was no purpose in being antagonistic.

"Jack, when you left – I know you were hurt but -"

"Carter – let's not dwell on the past", he told her bluntly. "Personally, I'd just like to forget the last four or five months. How's your brother?"

The swift change of topic surprised her, but then she couldn't help but grimace slightly. So, you are planning on using diversionary tactics are you Colonel? Fine, she could play that game.

"He's fine – so are Marianne and the kids. It was good spending some time with them. I haven't had much chance before now."

The Colonel nodded but didn't say anything else. She sighed. "So – how are you?"

"Fine Carter, just fine."

"Janet told me things have been going well – she said it must be a record for no injuries for sg1. I think she misses seeing you in the Infirmary – not that she wants you to be hurt or anything."

"Yeah, things are good." You, Jack O'Neill, can be _such_ a bastard, he said to himself. Still, he hadn't asked her here. She'd gone off to her family to _find_ herself. Well, he hoped she liked what she'd found!

"Jack – please – can't we talk about things? I want to explain why -"

"No need for any explanations Carter", he said, trying to sound jovial. "Like I said – you gotta do what you gotta do and so do I. So", he pointed to her stomach, "everything okay? Janet check you out?" There – that was 'talking' wasn't it?

"Everything's fine", she said quietly. "I'm scheduled to go in for my 18 week ultrasound next week. And I haven't seen Janet yet. I just spoke with her on the phone."

"So, she doesn't know about -" he gestured towards her stomach.

"No, not yet. I haven't told anyone but my family."

"Jacob?" he said, his eyes going wide.

"No, not Dad. As far as I know he hasn't been back to Earth yet. I'll tell him as soon as he shows up."

Yeah – _that_ was going to be fun! This time it was he who grimaced. "Well, I'm glad everything's okay. So, if that's all Carter …?"

She sighed and decided that she was done trying to do this politely. He was damn well going to listen if she had to – her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the ringing of the telephone.

"Hello?" Jack picked up the phone so quickly it had barely finished the first ring. He wanted to laugh – and okay, if there was a bit of hysteria in it, who could blame him – he'd been saved by the proverbial bell!

"Daniel? Hi, what is it?" He listed for a couple of minutes. "I'll be right there. … No, no, it's important. It should only take me twenty minutes. … No, of course not, that's my job. Right … thanks." He hung up the phone and looked at Carter with regret (at least he _hoped_ it looked like regret). "Sorry Carter – I gotta go. We have a 'situation' at the SGC."

"Nothing serious I hope?" she frowned.

"Sorry – need to know and I'm afraid you don't have clearance anymore." He stood up and looked expectantly at her. After a brief pause she stood up too and retrieved her coat.

"Jack, we still need to talk."

"Sure Carter. Let's go for coffee or something – soon. Sorry to run off like this, but you know what it's like."

She nodded, although in fact she was suspicious. This just seemed too coincidental. Still, Daniel _had_ called and it's not like Jack could have planned that in advance. He hadn't known she was coming. "Will you call me when you're free?" she asked.

"Sure – yeah, I'll give you a call."

"Okay. Well, good luck with whatever it is."

"Thanks Carter. Uh – good to see you." He practically hustled her out of his house. The moment the door was closed behind her he leaned against it, bent over with his hands on his knees. He felt like he'd just run a marathon.

"Shit!" he muttered. After a few moments he made his way back into his living room and picked up the phone and quickly dialed.

"Daniel Jackson", the voice answered.

"Daniel, it's me, Jack."

"Jack! What the hell was that about? Why did you say you were coming in? All I wanted to do was remind you to bring my hat when you come in tomorrow. I certainly don't need you to run it over now."

"Well, it's cold and I thought -"

"Were you trying to avoid something – or someone Jack?" Daniel interrupted, sounding suspicious.

"Yeah", he sighed. "A salesman came to the door and I was having trouble getting rid of him."

There was silence on the other end of the phone and Jack grimaced. Okay, that had sounded feeble even to him.

"O- kay Jack. Well, if there's anything else I can do, just call. Uh – you're sure there's not something you want to talk -"

"Yeah – okay Daniel. See you tomorrow." Jack hung up the phone and stared at it for the longest time. Finally – he picked up the receiver again and dialed. "Jeff?"

* * *

"Colonel! Come in. It's been a while since I've seen you. How are you doing?"

Jack followed the therapist into his office and sat in his usual spot. He suddenly felt a huge sense of relief wash over him. He should have done this a long time ago. "Lousy", he answered the Doc. "I think – I need your help."

* * *

"So – you're angry at her?"

"I don't know – I guess so. I mean – no, I understand but -"

"But?

"But I **don't know**! I – look, I went out of my way to be there for her, to put aside my own feelings because she was more important and she -"

"She?"

Jack sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He was irritated and angry and hurt and confused. "She threw my help back in my face."

"Did she?"

"Doc – I came to you for help and all you're doing is throwing stupid questions at me. What do you mean 'did she'? Of course she did. She told me she wanted to handle things by herself."

"And that hurt you?"

"I don't – maybe, yeah. I mean – God – it was hard enough just going to see her and then I thought everything was going to be okay and she just – threw me away."

"She rejected you?"

"Yeah", he answered, more quietly this time. "And I tried really hard to get over h- it and then she showed up at my door."

"And what did you do?"

"Me? Well I was nice – I mean, I didn't say anything bad to her."

"But?"

"But – okay, maybe I didn't welcome her with open arms. You can't expect me to, not after what she did."

"Are you sure she rejected you? From what you said it sounded more like she needed some time to deal with everything. Do you find that surprising?"

"We were dealing with things just fine!" he said angrily. "I told her and told her she wasn't at fault, that I didn't blame her for what had happened. I also told her I'd be there for her and for the baby – that I _wanted_ to be there for her."

"I see. Tell me – you think she rejected you so how do you think she feels about you? Did she say?"

He fidgeted for a moment and then stood up. He walked over to the book case – by now he knew every single title the Doc had – both here and at his apartment. "She said she loved me", he answered quietly.

Jeff looked surprised for a moment but then smiled, although Jack wasn't looking at him. "So – she loves you?"

"That's what she said!" Jack turned and walked angrily over to the small table strewn with papers and began to put them in stacks. "But I don't think she meant it."

"I see. Why is that?"

"Because she wouldn't have left m – and gone to her brother's."

"Really? I don't see it that way – but hey, you know her."

"What do you mean?" Jack swung around and stared at the Doc.

"Well, it sounds to me – from what you've told me about her – that this wasn't about whether she loved you or not. It sounds more like she wanted to try and deal with everything first."

"First? What do you mean _first_?"

"Did you tell her how you feel?"

"I told you – I said I'd be there for her, I'd support her through everything – that I _wanted_ to be there for her."

"Did you tell her you loved her?"

Jack bit his lip and refused to look at Jeff. He sighed and rubbed his head again. "No." His answer was so quiet Jeff almost asked him to repeat it. "No, but I wanted to."

"Why didn't you?"

"I didn't think she'd believe me. See, I figured she'd be better off without me and was going to come home when she told me she was pregnant. That made me realize that I had to stay – that I needed her as much as she needed me. I - wanted to tell her but I couldn't. I was afraid she would think it was only because of the baby."

"And it's not?"

"Of course not! I love _her_, regardless of whether there's going to be a baby or not. I have for a long time."

"So – you love her and she says she loves you. She's back now and seems to want to reconnect with you but you won't let her in, right Colonel?"

He grunted in response and threw himself back into his chair. "I can't", he finally admitted.

"Because you're afraid?"

Jack glared at him – but he didn't quite have the courage to lie and say no.

"Listen Jack", Jeff leaned forward. "You've been through hell this year and I understand why you're – nervous. It's totally understandable and normal. What's also normal is Sam needing some time. Remember, she went through a terrible trauma too and I'm sure was feeling insecure – along with feelings of guilt. I don't' think her leaving had anything to do with you – I think it was about her needing to deal with things _before_ she dealt with her feelings for you. Without that any relationship was doomed to failure. When I said 'first' I meant before she thought about anything further with you."

As Jeff spoke Jack was thinking back to what Sam had said to him – which, at the time, he'd refused to hear. But now, as the Doc spoke, it started to make sense. He stood up again. "Damn it! I'm such an ass!"

"No", Jeff smiled. "You're not an ass Jack, not at all. In fact – you've dealt with everything better than a lot of people I know would have. _Now_ however, if you turn her away, you _will_ be an ass. I'm not saying that everything is going to be perfect – and she may not want anything more than friendship. But she _is_ the mother of your child and regardless of the relationship the two of you have, you're going to need to be open and honest with each other. And Jack – that means letting her know how you feel."

He sat back down, feeling incredibly tired and empty. At the same time, there felt like there was a tiny glimmer of hope inside that might – just might – grow, if he allowed it to. He raised his eyes and looked at the man sitting opposite him. "Doc – if you _ever_ need anything – you know you can call me don't you?"

Jeff grinned and nodded. "I'll hold you to that Colonel. Now I suggest you go and call Sam."

Jack stood up and returned the grin. Suddenly, feeling a burst of adrenaline rush through his system, he headed towards the door. "Yeah I will. Thanks Doc!"

* * *

Sam was sitting on her couch, looking at an old family album. She rarely brought it out – the pictures of her mother usually brought too much sadness. This time she needed the reminder of family. Even if Jack wasn't going to be in her life – she had Mark and his family and she had her father, and she had a new life on the way. She just wished her mother was here. She missed her terribly.

The knock on her front door startled her. She glanced at the clock – it was dinner time. Who in the world …?

She walked slowly, lethargically to the front door. Right now nothing very much interested her.

"Jack!" She stared at the man in shock. He was absolutely the last person she had expected to see. "Uh – is everything okay at the SGC?"

"Hi Carter – Sam. Yeah – I guess. I don't really know. I didn't go there."

"What?" she frowned. "I thought there was some emergency."

"I lied. Can I come in? I need to talk to you."

After a pause she nodded, not quite sure what, or how, to feel. She was sure she should be angry at his confession, but didn't have the energy right now. She waited while he took off his boots and then took his coat and hung it up. They then proceeded silently into her living room.

"This is nice", he told her, looking around the room. A fire was lit in the fireplace and the lights were low. He could see the picture album sitting on the coffee table.

"What is it Colonel?" she asked seriously. She reached over and closed the album. "What do you want to say?"

He'd known it wasn't going to be easy – and he didn't blame Carter if she was furious with him – but this time he wasn't going to settle for anything less than the whole truth – from both of them.

"First, I want to apologize."

"Apologize?" her eyebrows lifted. "For what?"

"For two things – one for the way I acted at the cottage. I – should have understood what you were saying and I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. I guess", he reached up and tried to straighten his hair which he was sure was a mess from his hat, "I felt – hurt", he admitted.

"I didn't mean to hurt you", she leaned forward slightly, wanting to reach out to him. "It wasn't because of you Jack – it was me. I needed to deal with everything before - but I never wanted to hurt you."

"Yeah – I know. At least _now _I know. At the time …" He took a deep breath. "And the second is for the way I acted earlier. I – you – surprised me and I'm afraid I didn't handle that well either. I just – wanted you to know that I'm glad you came by and I'm – happy to see you."

"Are you?" she looked at him searchingly, as if trying to decide whether or not he was telling the truth. What she saw reassured her because she began to feel slightly more relaxed. "Are you really happy?" she asked again, looking at him hopefully.

"Oh yeah", he whispered. "I've missed you – a lot."

At that she smiled. "And I've missed you – a lot."

They stared at each other, neither sure what to say next.

"Did you – discover what you needed to – at your brothers?" he finally asked.

"Yes. I discovered …" This time it was she who took a deep breath. "I left because I was confused Jack. I wanted to be with you so much. I wanted to just let you handle everything – to make it all okay. I was so tempted but then I realized that that – wouldn't be good for either of us. After a while you'd become tired of someone who couldn't look after herself – who needed you to deal with everything. I needed to heal, to cope with my guilt and anger and _heal_. You didn't need a wounded woman dragging you down."

"I wouldn't have grown tired Sam", he said. "And I don't think you would have dragged me down."

"Maybe not", she smiled. "You're one of the most caring men I know. But still – I wanted to be whole for you and – I wasn't."

He gave a lopsided grin but nodded in understanding. He'd been through much of the same journey as had she. "So – now what?"

"Well, I can't say as I'm totally okay now – I think that'll take a long time. But I _am_ better. I feel stronger and not so consumed by guilt. But that's not the most important thing. I learned something while I was with my family."

"What?" his brows contracted in a question.

"Being away from you made me realize something – something important. "

"What was it?"

"That although I _can_ look after myself, I don't want to. At least – not all the time. I realized that I _do_ need you Jack – and even more importantly, I _want_ you." She seemed to realize how that sounded and wrinkled her nose. "I don't' mean it like that. I mean – when you're around I feel even stronger. I also know that although I _am_ strong and competent, I don't need to be all the time. I can let go sometimes and lean on you – and it's okay. No, not just okay – it's necessary. You ground me Jack – you make me stop thinking and _feel_. You make me laugh and you allow me to see the wonder in things beyond the science. I may be intelligent and capable, but I'm not _complete_ without you. I need you."

Okay – this was the point at which Jack knew he usually screwed up. He'd done it with Sara and he'd done it with friends. He never knew quite what to say or do at times like this. Usually he deflected by throwing out a sarcastic comment, or a joke. He knew – in this case – that would be lethal. So, he stopped the joke just before it left his mouth. Instead, he closed said mouth – the one that more often than not got him into trouble – and forced himself to consider his words carefully. Looking into her eyes he knew it was now or never.

"I need you too."

The tears that instantly filled her eyes told him one of two things. Either he'd screwed up – again – or …

"Thank you!" she whispered softly.

Thank God! He closed his eyes. It was the 'or'. He felt a hand touch him gently on the arm and he opened his eyes, only to see Sam standing directly in front of him.

"I love you", she said fearlessly. This time there was no hesitation, no guilt, no fear. Her time in San Diego had clearly served her well.

Oh well – here's batting 1000! "I love you too." He reached out and grasped her hand and brought it to his lips. He could feel it tremble in his grasp, and could see the tears flowing down her face. For once he'd done it right! Jeff would be proud.

"Do you really?" she asked. "It's not just the baby?"

"Hell no", he answered her by pulling her into his arms. "That's just the bonus", he told her. "I've loved you for a long time and I'm just glad that junior brought us together."

She felt a sense of peace and utter joy run through her. He loved her – she could hear the truth in his words. _And_ he called the baby a 'bonus'. He didn't hate the fact that they were having a child together. God how she loved this man.

"Ya know Carter", he spoke with his usual cheek and she wanted to grin. "I really think we should sit down and continue this conversation in comfort."

She led him to the couch and curled up right next to him, laying her head on his shoulder. It felt right – she was at home. She knew it was too soon for anything more than this, but for now this was good – it was enough. They had a long way to go – a long way to travel but finally, they were on the right path.

"So, how's junior?" he placed his hand on her stomach and smiled at her. "I gotta say Carter – being knocked up is a good look on you!"

"_Knocked up_?" She hit him on the shoulder. "I told you Jack – I am a strong and capable woman and I _will_ hurt anyone who refers to me that way!"

He grinned and leaned back, a pleased expression on his face. "Yeah but Carter – since I'm the one who 'knocked you up' I figure I get a special dispensation."

"Dispensation my ass!"

With that he leaned down and gave her a small peck on the nose. "Yup – that's my Carter."

_**Ahead- team reactions, Jacob appears and what's next for Sam, Jack and ... Junior!**_


	15. General Conversations

_**Mostly fluff.**_

"So, what next?" he asked her. She was still curled up by his side. They'd been sitting there for over an hour, watching the fire and listening to soft music. They still hadn't really said much beyond admitting their love for one another.

"Dinner?" she grinned up at him.

He rolled his eyes. "I suppose that's the pregnancy talking", he asked.

"Well, when you're knocked up – ya gotta eat!"

He laughed out loud and gave her shoulder a squeeze. He'd been able to progress to putting his arm around the back of the couch. He was actually really proud of himself. He'd had a few moments of panic, but for the most part was simply enjoying Car – no _Sam's_ presence.

"Okay", he stood and then pulled Sam up after him. "If the woman wants food – then food it's gonna be."

"Uh, I don't really have much Jack. I just got back last night and I haven't had time to shop."

"You have to look after yourself better! Okay then – what's it gonna be – Thai Treasures, Luigi's or El Gato Loco?"

"Hmmm – Thai sounds good."

"Then Thai it is.

The two of them chatted about much of nothing while they waited for their food to arrive. Jack knew it was partially because they were nervous about the 'what's next' conversation but it was also because they were enjoying simply relaxing and having fun. There hadn't been a lot of that for either of them for a long time.

Once they were done and the dishes and cartons put away, Sam fixed coffee for Jack and herbal tea for herself and they made their way back to the couch.

"So, feeling better?"

"Oh, I felt better about the time you showed up here", she smiled at him. "But now I'm not so hungry."

"So – time to talk?"

She sighed but as it was accompanied by a smile he wasn't too worried. "Words I'd never thought I'd hear from you Jack." They could do this!

"Where do we go from here?" He was the one who decided to bite the bullet and put it out there. His late New Year's resolution was going to be to _try_ and speak honestly. She deserved nothing less.

"I was thinking about that – "

"Of _course_ you were Carter! You wouldn't be you if you didn't."

"Don't tell me you weren't thinking about it too Jack!"

"Okay – so maybe. Tell me what you thought first." He touched her gently on the cheek, wanting to give her something but not sure anything more was appropriate – or possible considering his newly acquired hang-ups.

"Well, I think we should go slowly."

He breathed a silent sigh of relief. It's not that he didn't love her or want a life with her – he just needed some more time to deal with some of his anxiety. "Yeah, I can do slow."

"I think we should get to know each other as friends – well, maybe a little more than friends", she grinned. "But I think we should try and relax and just enjoy each other and see where it leads."

"And where would you like it to lead?" he asked carefully.

"Nope – your turn now Jack", she told him.

"Okay – so slow. Yeah, I agree that's the way to go. As much as I -" he stopped and grimaced.

"I know – me too", she agreed.

"Right. Well, as much as part of me would like to jump ahead, I think we – I still need to – deal with some things first. Going slow will give us some time to deal and like you said, get to know each other better before -"

"Before?" She gave him an evil grin, at which time he narrowed his eyes.

"Before we see where this leads!"

She laughed and nodded. "Okay – so we're going to take it slow." She took a deep breath, the laugh dying down. "There's just one thing Jack."

"What is it?" his expression sobered at her serious tone.

"The baby. Look – I want you in our child's life no matter what happens between us. If – it doesn't work out for some reason, I want to make sure we stay friends – for the sake of the baby."

He nodded, thankful that she'd brought that up. As nervous as he was about being a father again, the thought of losing his child in some vicious custody battle frightened him even more. He stuck his hand out and, after a moment Sam took it.

"An agreement", he explained. "We'll put the baby first no matter what happens between us and I'll still always be there for both of you."

She shook his hand and then had to surreptitiously wipe away the tears. "And I want you to come to the ultrasound, and do baby classes with me and everything."

He was a little surprised and thoroughly charmed. "Really? Cool. We'll be able to see junior swimmin' around in there?"

"Yes – although it could be a girl."

"Okay – so we'll see juniorella in there."

"No."

"No?"

"No – absolutely no to juniorella. In fact, I have a bit of a hard time with 'junior'."

"Yeah – it is a bit creepy. And Teal'c might get jealous."

"Teal'c!"

"Uh – the big guy? What about him?"

Sam turned to face him, her face registering a healthy dose of worry. "We haven't told him – or Daniel or Janet or the General or – oh God – my father!"

"Well, I wouldn't call him _God_ but he is rather scary."

"Jack!" she swatted him. "What are we going to do?"

"Tell them I guess."

"But tell them _what_?"

"That I knocked you up and now we're gonna see where it leads!" He gave her a shit-eating grin. "I can hardly wait to see Daniel's face. Actually, now that I think about it, I think we should tell him you're pregnant but that we're _not_ going to 'see where it leads'."

"That'll upset him." Sam said calmly.

"Yeah, I know!"

"Jack – you are so evil! Janet is going to kill me you know."

"Janet? Why?"

"Because I didn't tell her about the pregnancy. I talked to her for over an hour the other day and didn't say anything. She's going to be hurt and then she's going to kill me."

"Yeah – well just tell her the truth. She'll understand."

"And the truth is?" she asked him curiously.

"That you were abducted by aliens and only just got back."

She laughed, thinking that in their case that excuse could be highly plausible. In fact that's kind of how they got into the situation in the first place. "I think I'll just have to tell her that I needed some space before telling my friends."

"Yeah", he said seriously. "The truth is always the best."

She scooted over and rested her head on his shoulder, trying to tell him, without words, that she was sorry for hurting him. She was actually amazed by how well he had accepted her when she'd come back. In fact, she'd been thoroughly surprised when he'd shown up at her door.

"What made you change your mind?" she suddenly asked.

"About what?" he asked, not following her train of thought.

"Tonight – when you came over. When I was at your house I thought that there was no way you were going to forgive me."

Should he tell her, he wondered? He hadn't told anyone – not Hammond, not Janet – not even Daniel or Teal'c. As much good as Jeff had done him, he still felt embarrassed by the whole thing. But he'd promised himself that he'd be honest with her. He sighed. "I'm seeing a – a doctor", he told her. He just couldn't say the word therapist. "After – the planet, I was having a rough time and Hammond gave me the name of someone at the Academy. Turns out he's a great guy. So, after you showed up today I gave him a call."

"Really?"

He wasn't sure whether to laugh or be insulted at her expression of shock. Instead he shrugged. "Yeah. It was helpful to have someone to talk to who wasn't –"

"A friend?"

"Mmm hmm", he smiled slightly. "It was more anonymous this way. Anyway, I told him a bit about what had happened and he made me see that you did what you needed to do and that it wasn't about me – or at least not directly about me. When he told me that I thought back to what _you'd_ been trying to say to me and realized I'd been an ass. That's when I decided to come over and see you."

"Wow", she shook her head, still reeling from the fact that Jack – Jack O'Neill – had gone to a therapist. For some silly reason it made her love him all the more. "Does he – have clearance?"

"Yes. According to Hammond he sees a lot of the people at the SGC so he knows all about the program. He served in Iraq – got his leg blown off and so now helps service men and women deal with trauma and stuff."

"Sounds like a great guy!" He must be, she thought, if he could get Jack to open up like he'd been doing all evening. "Jack – I'm so proud of you for doing that. I – thought about it but was too scared – and too ashamed I think", she confessed.

He nodded, totally understanding where she was coming from. Even though he hadn't done anything wrong, he'd had to deal with those feelings as well. The shame was the worst – and something which was totally irrational but thoroughly debilitating.

"You know you have nothing to be ashamed of?" he asked her softly.

"Yes – at least logically I know that but I'm afraid my mind doesn't quite want to believe it."

"I know – I feel the same", he confessed.

"You?" She looked at him in shock. "But why would you – you did nothing wrong!"

"Neither did you. Sam – this isn't about logic or about guilt – this is about a situation in which we were both abused and traumatized. That damn alien race did that to us – even if they've all been dead for centuries – for which I am heartily thankful, by the way. They deserved to be wiped out! What we went through – isn't something that should happen to anybody and it speaks of how strong both of us are that we're as okay as we are."

"I don't think I _am_ okay", she told him honestly. "Oh, I'm getting better but I still – I still have nightmares and sometimes wake up hating myself."

"Yeah, me too", he confessed softly, but then he sat up straight and looked at her with determination – and love. "I'm afraid I'm not going to allow that anymore", he informed her seriously. "_No_ one is allowed to hate the woman I love – except maybe for some Goa'uld or other disgusting megalomaniacal aliens. Nope – Samantha Carter is an amazing, beautiful, sexy, hot and thoroughly wonderful woman and no one better say anything different!"

She stared at him and then her face broke into a smile. She waggled her eyebrows at him. "You realize, of course, that comments like that will make us find out where this leads _much_ faster?"

He laughed and then turned serious. "Really Sam – you're not to blame so you have to stop feeling guilty or ashamed. You might -"

"I might?" she asked when he stopped talking.

"Well – I was just was thinkin'", he stopped again and looked away from her for a minute. "I think you should go see someone and talk it out."

"Jack I'm – I can deal with this by myself. I mean, I am getting better and I don't really think it's necessary."

"Look, it's up to you and I won't say anything after this but – I don't think you _can_ deal with this on your own. I know I couldn't. Look I agree you're doing better – but I really think it would help for you to have someone to talk to. It can't hurt Sam", he said gently when he saw her shaking her head.

"I – maybe, okay? I'll look into it and see. I – it would have to be someone with clearance and I won't see McKenzie and I don't think it would be a good idea to see this doctor of yours."

"Talk to Janet. I'm sure she can recommend someone with clearance. You'll probably want to see a woman anyway."

She nodded but suddenly looked restless. "Do you want some more coffee?" She stood up and started heading towards the kitchen.

Damn! Jack stood up and called after her. "Sam – no thanks. If I drink anymore I won't be able to sleep tonight."

She stopped and slowly turned, looking more like the woman he'd seen when he first got to Maine than the woman of today. His heart broke for her. She really wasn't over all of this – at least not yet. "Sam?" he said gently, approaching her carefully.

"I'm sorry", she furiously wiped her face with her hand. "I'm just being silly. Everything's fine. I guess I'm just tired."

"It's been a long day", he agreed. "Look, I should probably go and let you -"

"NO!" She suddenly looked panicked. He could see her force herself to relax. "No – please, stay for a little while. It's not that late."

It hit Jack then that she really wasn't better. In fact, she was still pretty fragile. She was such a strong person normally, and he'd finally understood her need to work things out for herself. But then he thought back to her words of earlier. She _did_ need him and at times she needed someone to lean on. He was pretty sure now was the time.

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked gently. "I can sleep on the couch."

He could immediately tell she was torn – between trying to prove that she was strong and independent and the need for support and companionship. "I'd really like to stay Sam", he told her. "I – kind of worry that if I go home I'll wake up tomorrow and this will all have been a dream."

She smiled that beautiful smile of hers, while her eyes shone – with tears, it was true, but also with love. She nodded and then walked up to him, her eyes never leaving his. She leaned forward – slowly – and kissed him on the cheek. He had to restrain himself – he had a sudden urge to move away – but in the end it was okay.

"So, would you happen to have an extra toothbrush?"

He was amazed at how soundly he slept that night. So soundly in fact, that he worried the next morning that he might have missed something. What if Sam needed him in the night? She had looked so frightened and lost last night.

He quickly threw on his clothes and hurried out to the other room. Fortunately Sam had a guest room, which was much more comfortable than her couch would have been.

He found Sam seated at the breakfast counter, a cup of tea and a piece of toast in front of her. She had her face buried in a pile of supermarket ads.

"Morning?" he said, watching her carefully.

She put up her head and gave him a huge smile. Thank God – she looked rested. "Morning! Did you have a good sleep?"

"Yeah – a great sleep. How about you?"

"Me too!" she swung around on the stool until she was facing him. "I think you'll have to sleep over more often. I don't think I've slept that well – since forever."

"Yup – that's me! The best sleeping pill around!"

"Well – pill yes – sleeping – aaah!" she screeched when he reached over and began to tickle her. He only did it for a few seconds, not quite sure about tickling and pregnancy.

"So – now you're calling me a pill? I don't know Carter. I think you were better behaved when you were on my team", he told her with narrowed eyes.

"That's because I _had_ to be _Sir_. Now – I don't! So – you want some breakfast?"

It was over breakfast that Sam brought up the burning question. "What are we going to say to people?"

He'd laid awake thinking about that last night and wanted to run his idea by her. "Uh – I was thinking that maybe we'd divide everyone up. You could tell Janet and Hammond and I'll tell Daniel and Teal'c. You, of course, get your father. On the other hand", he thought for a moment, "let's _not_ tell your father."

"At _all?" _she laughed.

"Well, he's not here that often. When he comes you could hold a pillow over your stomach or something. He'd never guess."

"And when the baby comes?"

"Uh – just tell him that it's Siler's and you're babysitting."

"_Siler's_? Does Siler have kids?"

"Hell, I don't know." Jack frowned. "Is he married?"

"I – don't know."

"Well, there ya go. If you don't know your Dad certainly won't. He'll never guess."

"Right Jack! You're just frightened of my father."

"Of Jacob?" he asked, sounding surprised. "Damn right I am! Us ex-black op soldiers have a sixth sense for extreme danger and your Dad – and Selmak – constitute extreme danger!"

"Jack O'Neill, I never knew you were a coward!"

"Well now you do. I tell ya Carter – I'd rather face an army of System Lords than one pissed off father who finds out that his daughter's been knocked up by her commanding officer."

"I can tell you one thing _Colonel_. You'd better not describe it that way in Dad's hearing. He really will kill you."

"Great – now I'm gonna have to move!"

"And where would you go?"

"Oh, I was thinking that planet – you know, where we sent all those light thingies."

"Light - ?" she frowned. "You mean those things that infested you and that pinned you to the wall?"

"Yeah – those things."

"She laughed. "I think my father might be insulted to think you preferred them to him."

"They just pinned me to the wall – you're father's gonna kill me first and _then_ pin me to the wall."

She laughed again. "Okay – I'll tell my father. But hey – I get the hardest part with Janet and the General."

"No you don't. Hammond will be understanding and grandfatherly and Janet – after her initial fit, will want to hear everything about me and you and the baby. She'll practically have everything planned for the kid until it reaches college. And anyway – I get Daniel. He's worth at least Janet and Hammond put together."

"He'll be understanding", she told him.

"Yeah – and nosy as hell. _And_ he'll want me to talk about _feelings_ and all that crap. Nope – I have the hardest one in Daniel."

"But you get Teal'c and he more than makes up for Daniel. He'll be easy."

"Outwardly he'll be easy – but inside – he's deep Carter, very deep!"

She laughed again and shook her head. She'd missed this! There was nothing she loved more than the Colonel – Jack –when he made her laugh. "But what are we going to say to them?"

"Well, I suggest you get right to the point with Hammond. He may have to follow up with somebody in DC about the pregnancy. There shouldn't be an issue since it was alien interference _and_ you've resigned – we have to talk about that by the way – so it'll probably just be a heads up. After that he'll be a pussy cat."

"And Janet?"

"She'll make you tell her the truth", he said, sounding disgruntled. "She _always_ knows when you're hiding something. So, I'd just tell her whatever you feel comfortable with. Just warn her _not_ to ask me any questions or poke me with needles."

"And my father?"

"I told ya Carter – lie! It's the best way. It's what he wants", he explained logically. "Just explain that it was immaculate conception. You woke up one morning and Pffft – there ya were."

"Pffft? Is that a technical term?"

"Of course – like Pssst, or Mmm or Ooops, sorry Sir, I didn't mean to get your daughter pregnant."

"That'll work", she said knowingly. "So what are you going to tell Daniel and Teal'c?"

He got an evil look on his face, at which point she swatted him. "Jack, don't you dare!"

"What?" His expression turned to an innocent, butter wouldn't melt in your mouth look. "I'm gonna tell them that it was Thor! I'll say that the Asgaard figured out how to reverse their cloning problem."

"With _me_?"

"Well – you're almost as smart as they are. And just think how cute your babies would look!"

"You're insane! I really don't know why I love you."

"Because I'm cute too", he grinned.

She considered him seriously for a moment. "Yes, you are – and _our_ baby is going to be adorable!"

Okay – how was a guy to answer that without getting all blubbery and embarrassed. He could tell from Sam's look that she knew _exactly_ what she was doing. Life with this woman was not going to be boring.

"Right – uh – yeah. So – Daniel and Teal'c. I guess I'll just tell them the truth."

"And that is?"

"That you're pregnant, I'm the Daddy and we're – seeing where things lead. Oh – and I'll also tell them – Daniel especially – to butt out."

"Good plan", she nodded. "I'll say the same to Janet. Of course you realize it won't work."

"No", he sighed, "I know. Still, it never hurts to try."

* * *

Sam looked at Jack and knew instantly that he was as nervous as she was. They'd decided after all that General Hammond, at least, deserved to be told by both of them. Since Sam technically needed permission to get on base, they'd arranged to go over to the General's house after supper. Jack hadn't had to go into work that day and instead had gone shopping with Carter to restock her supplies.

"Come in, come in." The General welcomed him into his home. He always looked more approachable in his civilian clothes, thought Sam, although he could never be described as a stern or aloof commander. Still, this felt much easier.

"Let me take your coat Maj – Sam", Hammond offered. She glanced swiftly at Jack and then slowly allowed the General to help her. Fortunately, he was watching Jack and didn't look down.

"So – it's good to see you", George beamed at his former officer. "You're looking great. Is everything going okay?"

"Yes Sir", she smiled at him. "There is something I need to tell you though."

The General instantly realized that something was up. He'd known these people – and Sam Carter especially – for a lot of years and could read them like a book. "What is it?" he asked gently, worried that it was something serious.

"Uh –Sir", Jack began. "It's about the episode on the Amazon planet." He knew this was going to be difficult for Sam and decided to step in.

"Yes?" Hammond's head turned in inquiry. "What about it?"

"Well – you see General, there were – uh _consequences_", he finished.

"Consequences?" Hammond frowned. "I know that Jack. I lost a fine officer over it and –well let's say that you've had to deal with some things since then."

"Yes Sir but that's not what I mean."

"What _do_ you mean?" The General was a patient man but sometimes O'Neill could drive him around the bend.

"He means I'm pregnant Sir", Sam stepped in and bluntly told the truth.

"You're _what_?"

"Pregnant Sir", Jack spoke. "You know – bun in the over, eggo that's preggo, with child, preggers, in the family way, -"

"I _know_ what pregnancy is Jack", Hammond said in exasperation. "You mean to tell me that you're _pregnant_?"

"Isn't that just what I said?" Jack asked, looking at Sam for confirmation. "I said that Sir", he turned back to Hammond. "She's pregnant."

"And the father …?"

"Me Sir", Jack answered, more seriously this time. "It happened as a result of that – _thing_ – on the planet. Carter and I – I mean – we've never – that was the only time we ever - and it was the alien doohickey - not us Sir. We'd never – at least not then because Sam was a Major and I know – I would never – she wouldn't either. Not that we've – I mean, even though she's not in the Air Force -"

"_Colonel_!" Hammond laughed. "I understand. It happened on the planet as a result of the alien artifact. I know you wouldn't have – uh – done anything except for alien influence, but I'm glad you told me. So", he looked at Sam who was trying not to laugh, and grinned. "How are you doing Sam? Are congratulations in order?"

"Yes Sir, I think so. Neither the Colonel or I would have wanted it to happen this way, but we agree that this child isn't about _how_ we – came together but it's about the fact that we _did_ come together. I was a little upset at first, but now – I'm happy."

"Me too Sir", Jack smiled.

The General offered them some tea and they talked for almost an hour. Part of the conversation was about how he was going to inform the people in DC, including the President, but most of the conversation was George reminiscing about Carter as a little girl. Jack was fascinated.

"So", the General interrupted his thoughts. "When are you going to tell Jacob?"

Jack looked almost sick at the thought. "Uh – it's more like _what_ we're going to tell Jacob", he explained.

Sam laughed. "Jack wants to tell him it was immaculate conception. I – don't think my father is going to buy that", she explained.

"Then I told ya Carter – it'll have to be Thor! Jacob _couldn't_ get upset at Thor!"

"Yes he could", a chorus of two voices – one from the woman he loved, the other from the General – replied.

"So, what should we do?" Jack finally asked Hammond.

"Well – if it was me? I'd lie and then flee the country. No, wait a second – I'd lie and then leave the _galaxy_. Yup that's the best way to handle this."

They left the General's house later that evening. They'd had a great time and George had assured them that everything would be fine.

He wouldn't have said that if he'd known that the next stops were to see Janet Frasier and Daniel Jackson.


	16. Telling Friends

_**Janet**_

She sat in her car for the longest time, worried sick about how Janet was going to react. In many ways this was worse than their visit to General Hammond. At least then Jack had been with her _and_ she was less frightened of the General than she was of her friend. Or, she was now that she wasn't in the Air Force.

Her fear was really because she knew Janet would be hurt. She was Sam's best friend – at least best _woman_ friend. For friends in general she'd have to add Daniel and Teal'c – and Jack was her _best_ best friend. Okay Sam – stop procrastinating!

She stepped out of her car and slowly, hesitatingly made her way to Janet's front door. She knew she was home because she'd called earlier. She also knew Cassie _wasn't _at home, which was good. This was a 'woman to woman' talk. Any anyway, she didn't want the young girl to witness her mother committing murder!

"Here goes", she mumbled, as she rang the doorbell.

"Sam!" Janet reached out and pulled Sam inside. "It's _so_ good to see you. How are you? When did you get back? Oh my God – I've missed you so much." She then pulled Sam into a fierce hug.

Sam was grateful for her heavy winter coat because Janet was unable to notice the bump. Sam seriously considered claiming she was cold and leaving her jacket on but after a brief moment of reflection realized that was cowardly and just plain stupid. The longer she waited to tell her friend, the harder it was going to be and the angrier Janet would become.

"Janet", she said softly, stepping back slightly. "There's something I have to tell you – and I don't want you getting mad at me."

Janet frowned. "Why would I get mad at you? What did you do?"

"It's not something I _did_ exactly – well, okay, it was caused by something I did. But it wasn't my fault and the only reason I didn't tell you before now was because I needed some time to deal with everything. I needed to spend time with my family– but it didn't mean that you aren't important to me."

Janet half grinned, half frowned. "I have no idea what you're talking about but if you needed them I understand. So what is it that you want to tell me?"

Instead of answering, Sam slowing unzipped her coat. With a deep breath she pulled it off and just stood there.

It took a few seconds for Janet to figure out what was going on. "Sam, what are you trying to – oh my God! Sam!"

"I know", she tried to smile. "Can we sit down and I'll tell you about it."

Janet led the way into her living room and sat down heavily. "Sam", she repeated. "You're pregnant!"

"Very good Dr. Frasier", Sam smiled gently. When her friend didn't return the smile she sobered up. "I wanted to tell you but – I couldn't do it over the phone."

"Sam – I didn't even know you were seeing anyone!" Janet was beginning to sound hurt, something Sam had dreaded.

"I wasn't."

"_What_? You mean this was just a – just a _fling_?"

"No, I wouldn't call it that. Janet – I'm 17 weeks pregnant."

Janet looked at her blankly for a moment and then Sam could see her begin to do the math. "But – Sam, that's – you were. Sam, who is the father?" Janet sat forward on her chair and looked like she was about ready to explode.

"Colonel O'Neill", she answered carefully.

"What! Sam – you _didn't_. You can't – I mean – you couldn't."

"Janet we didn't. At least we didn't _choose_ to do any – it was that planet – or more precisely, the obelisk. That's the only time he and I – "

"No Sam – there's no way. You were on birth control _and_ I gave you the morning after pill." She looked as if she had a sudden thought. "You did take it, didn't you?"

"Yes, I took it. But I threw up Janet – I must not have digested it before then."

"No – that was a long time afterward. It would already have dissolved and gone into your system."

"I – threw up just a few minutes after I took it", she confessed. "You weren't there – you thought I was sleeping. I almost was, and I didn't even think about it. It's only after I found out I was pregnant that I realized."

"But the birth control?"

"Janet, you're a doctor. You know it doesn't always work. And maybe the alien machine did something. It _was_ used so the Amazons could procreate."

"I don't know what to say Sam. I just wish you'd told me."

"I'm sorry Janet. I told you, I didn't want to tell you on the phone and I needed some time away to figure things out."

"And have you?"

Her lips turned up on one side, in a semblance of a smile. "I – think so."

"How are you?" Janet looked as if she'd shaken herself out of her shock and was turning back into the doctor she was. Sam just hoped she'd soon see the 'friend' return. "Have you been to a doctor? We should check you out in case that machine did something. And what does the Colonel say?"

The subject changed so suddenly that Sam could only blink in reaction. "Uh – yes, I've seen a doctor. She put me on prenatal vitamins, told me some things to stay away from and then told me there wasn't much more to do until the 18 week ultrasound. I've scheduled that for next week."

"You have? Well, it sounds like you don't really need me for anything."

"Janet please! Don't be like that! Of _course_ I need you. I need you desperately. The only reason I have the ultrasound scheduled is because the doctor I saw in San Diego arranged it for me. I was planning on telling you before I went to the appointment and getting your advice."

"I'm not an OB Sam", Janet told her shortly. "I don't know how much my advice will matter."

Sam sighed – she had been right. Janet was hurt and angry. "Please? I need you Janet. It's been – difficult these last few months. I wanted to lean on you and the others but realized I needed to prove to myself that I was still the strong, capable woman I'd always thought myself to be. It was just too easy to let everyone else look after me."

"That's what friends are for."

"I know. I realized that when I was in San Diego. But I also needed to let my family be there for me. They didn't know what had happened - just that I'd been hurt somehow. I needed that. I needed to heal without someone _knowing_. Do you understand Janet? Please, say you do."

"Oh damn! Come here Sam!" Janet moved over and held out her arms.

Sam felt a huge weight drop from her shoulders and allowed Janet to hold her while she cried. Crap, for a strong woman she'd sure spent a lot of hours crying. It was only after a few minutes that she realized her friend was crying right along with her.

Once they'd both gotten it out of their systems and had stopped crying, Janet went and got some warm washcloths. "Here, although I'm afraid the make-up is a lost cause."

"Yeah", Sam hiccupped a reply. "We probably both look like hell, but I really needed that!"

"Me too. Okay, now that we got that out of our systems – spill!"

"What do you mean?"

"Sam – don't play dumb. It doesn't work on you. Have you told the Colonel? Does he know?"

"Of course he knows. He's the father."

"But wasn't he upset that you hadn't told him?"

"Uh – I did tell him. I mean – I told him as soon as I found out – the same day in fact."

Janet scowled. "When was that?"

"A few months ago", she admitted. "As soon as I realized I'd missed a period."

"You mean to tell me he's known all this time? And he didn't say anything?" She sat up abruptly. "He's angry isn't he? I bet he's not handling this well. Oh God Sam – that's what was wrong with him."

"It wasn't the pregnancy", Sam said quietly. "He's been wonderful about that. Look, what's between Jack and me – we want to keep it that way. He's being very supportive and everything is fine."

"But what are you going to do? Is he going to be involved with the baby? And what about when it comes?"

"Janet, I told you that I need you, especially now that I'm pregnant. You're one of my closest friends, and I'm going to rely on you. But one of the things I need you to do for me is to back off when it comes to the Colonel. Let us handle this our own way, please?"

"But Sam – what if he needs a kick -"

"Janet – _please_", Sam looked at her completely seriously. "If you're really my friend you will respect my wishes on this. Do _not_ bug Jack about me or about the pregnancy. He's handling this just fine but he doesn't need anyone giving him a hard time."

Janet looked thoroughly obstinate, but then she looked up at Sam. It only took a few seconds for her expression to change. She'd never seen Sam quite so – serious about anything before. She sighed. "All right. I promise I won't bug him – or you. It's going to be hard you know. The Colonel is -"

"A good man!"

"I know that! It's just sometimes he needs a reminder to open up. I don't want you to be hurt anymore."

"And I won't be – at least not by him. If anything, he's the one more in danger of being hurt. He's a lot more sensitive than most people give him credit for."

"Hell, I know that! That's why I try and look out for him – and bug him – as much as I do. He's dealt with a lot. I want both of you to be happy."

Sam leaned forward and gave her friend another hug. "Thank you!"

"So, let's talk babies! Cassie is going to be ecstatic you know."

"I know – and tell her I'm relying on her to babysit!"

_**Teal'c**_

Jack tapped softly on the door. He hated to interrupt Teal'c in the middle of his Kel'noreeming.

"Come." The deep voice of his friend penetrated the solid door. He carefully turned the knob and walked in – to a room illuminated only by candles.

"I'm sorry Teal'c! I can come back -"

"It is fine O'Neill. Please be seated."

"Yeah – okay." Jack looked around until he found the biggest pillow and lowered himself to the floor. "You could have at least _one_ chair for old guys like me Teal'c."

"You are not old O'Neill", Teal'c answered, his eyes still closed. "It is just that you have gotten out of the practice of sitting on the floor. You should practice."

"Right. I'll do that." He sat for a few more minutes as his Jaffa friend meditated – or whatever the hell it was he did. He glanced around at all the candles, wondering how Teal'c got permission to light them underground. He was pretty sure this was against all sorts of regulations and fire codes.

"General Hammond has given me permission", Teal'c spoke into the silence.

Jack wondered how his friend did that. It was sometimes downright spooky! He began to get bored and reached out to the nearest candle. For the next few minutes he flicked his finger quickly through the flame, watching the light flicker. He remembered doing this as a child in response to a dare from some friends. He'd almost burnt down his parents' house by knocking over the candle and starting the carpet on fire.

"Oops!" Teal'c's candle leaned and clattered onto the floor. Fortunately, there was no carpet and it quickly died. Jack bit his lip – trying to look innocent.

Teal'c let out a long suffering sigh and opened his eyes. He then stood, smoothly and gracefully and put out all the candles – moving the ones closest to Jack to a safe distance away. He then turned on the over head light and sat back down on the floor, facing the Colonel. "For what reason have you come to visit me O'Neill?" he asked.

"Uh – can't a guy just come and visit his buddies? We haven't hung out for a while Teal'c. I felt bad about that and thought I'd come by and say hi."

Teal'c stared at him before finally speaking. "And what is the true reason you are here?"

Damn – there he goes again! "Why do you think that's _not_ the real reason? Don't you think I'd come and visit my friends?"

"Yes O'Neill, you would. You have not, however, done so for a long time. It has appeared, my friend, as if you have had many worries. I have not wanted to interfere, but am pleased you have finally sought me out."

It was a formal speech, very Teal'c-like, he thought. It was also embarrassing and made him feel very, very lucky to have such a friend. He gave a small grin.

"Yeah – well, you were right. Things have been a bit – tough lately, but that's changed now. Things are definitely looking up."

"Samantha Carter has returned?"

Jack stared at him. "What? How did you know that?"

"It is the only reason why you would be feeling better. I have been aware that much of your – worry – has been as a result of her absence. I assume that you have spoken and that things have improved."

"Uh – yeah – improved."

"I am pleased."

"Thanks T", he said, feeling a bit uncomfortable. "And yes, Carter 'has returned'. She's back and things arelooking up."

Teal'c gave a stately, single head nod and waited for Jack to speak.

"I have to tell you something else T-buddy."

"What is it O'Neill? Have you come for my help because if so, you know I am happy to offer it."

"Thanks! No – I just wanted to tell you that – well – Carter is pregnant."

He was almost positive Teal'c blinked. Other than that, there was no sign, whatsoever, of shock, dismay, curiosity or just plain interest. Still, the blink had been pretty obvious and must be a sure sign his friend was, at the least, surprised. "And you are the father."

"Yes. Wait! How did you know?" he frowned. This was getting way to freaky, even for a man used to seeing the weird, wild and wonderful in the galaxy.

"I do not believe Samantha Carter would have sexual relations with any male other than you O'Neill."

Okay – he was officially embarrassed – although secretly quite proud. So Teal'c thought that Sam – _yes_! He pumped an imaginary fist.

"Really? Wow. Well, I'm afraid she didn't choose to have – that – with me either. It was that damned obelisk thing. It must have overridden the birth control or something. Anyway – she's pregnant and I'm the father."

"Congratulations O'Neill. You will make a very fine father and Samantha Carter will be a wonderful mother."

"So, I get 'fine' and she gets 'wonderful'. What's with that?"

Teal'c blinked again. "I did not mean to insult you O'Neill. I believe you will both make exemplary parents."

"Yeah – but you think Sam'll be better?"

Teal'c shook his head in both affection and irritation at his friend. The General was correct – you needed the patience of a saint to work with O'Neill. "I am happy for you O'Neill", he repeated. "I look forward to congratulating Samantha Carter as well and will assure you both that I will be there to support you through this time."

"Thanks T!" he said gratefully.

"And I look forward to being an honorary uncle!"

Jack was whistling as he left Teal'c's office. That had been easier than he'd expected – although it _was_ Teal'c. He hadn't expected it to be too bad. Nice to think that Teal'c wanted to be an uncle to the child. It would have a ready-made, if unusual family!

Speaking of family! The whistling stopped. Crap – now he'd have to go see Daniel! He'd done Teal'c first because he was a coward. He was pretty sure this wasn't going to be nearly as simple.

Daniel's door was ajar and he pushed it open and walked in. "Hey Daniel!"

"Jack." The archaeologist was in the middle of examining some kind of – thing – obviously from somewhere else and some other time. He didn't look up when Jack entered but continued to examine whatever it was.

The Colonel sat on the chair on the other side of the counter and watched his friend. After a few minutes he grew bored and started turning around on the stool. He went back and forth and then all the way around. He only stopped when he started to get dizzy. He then began picking up some of the other artifacts lying on the table and examining each of them. Since they all looked pretty much the same – and were mostly boring, he set each one down and began his twirling again.

"Jack, will you stop that!" Daniel glanced up and glare at his friend. He _hated_ it when O'Neill came into his office and tormented him by fiddling with his things. He was sure he did it intentionally, and sometimes he wondered if Jack was really a ten year old boy in a man's body.

"I'm not doing anything Daniel. Just sitting here, watching you." He continued to spin and to pick up objects until Daniel finally slammed down the thing he was examining.

"Will you _stop_ that! You're – wait." He looked up in astonishment. Jack was bugging him. He was sitting there with his 'devil' face on and was intentionally driving him insane. Oh my God – he was back! He hadn't done this since before the planet of the Amazons. "Jack. You're – you're _back_."

"Back?" O'Neill looked confused. "Daniel, I didn't go anywhere. Nope – been here the whole time."

"No – I mean – you're _back_!" Daniel continued to stare at his friend. It was then he realized that Jack looked – happier – than he had in months. What could have – "Sam is back, isn't she?"

Jack felt extremely irritated. What was it about his friends anyway? Why did they assume Sam was here? Okay, so they were right, but that still didn't mean they should jump to conclusions. "What does that have to do with anything?" he asked irritably.

"Well, since you were miserable as hell with her gone, I assumed that that must be the reason you look – happier. _Is_ she back?"

"Yes", he said shortly, still feeling irritated.

Daniel had to bite his lip to keep from grinning. "So, that's good. How's she doing?"

"Fine – she's fine." He started to think about her and could feel the irritation start to dissipate. So what if Daniel and Teal'c figured out his moods were related to Carter. If things went the way he planned, they'd know that he was crazy about her anyway. "Uh, she was at her brother's but she's back now."

"Great! I can hardly wait to see her. I've missed her."

"Mmm." He agreed, of course, but wasn't about to admit it too obviously. "Well, I thought we could get together at my place tonight", he told the other man. "Why don't you come over? I've invited Teal'c and I think Janet and Cassie will be there too."

"Okay. Uh Jack – how is she – really?"

"She's okay Daniel – I mean, she's still dealing with things but she's doing a lot better. She's – you know – Carter."

"What does _that_ mean?"

"She's strong and smart and really hot!"

"_Jack_!"

"What?" he whined. "I can say that – she's not in the Air Force anymore."

"No, but she might not like you saying it."

"Who, Sam?" He grinned. "Oh, I think she will. And anyway, she _is_ hot – very hot."

"Ewww!" Daniel scrunched up his face. "More than I want to know. Why will she?"

"Why will she what?"

"Why will she like to hear you say she's hot?"

He shrugged. "Don't women like to be called 'hot'?"

"Not Sam – not unless it's from someone special." His eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute! Are you and Sam …. ?"

"What?"

"You _are_. Oh my God Jack – it took you long enough!"

"What the hell are you talking about Jackson?" he asked. "Sam and I aren't doing anything. We're friends, that's all."

"Right – _friends_! And that's why you've been as miserable as hell since she's been gone – and practically ecstatic now that she's back."

"Really _good_ friends!"

"Jack, come on. Just tell me the truth. Are you and Sam _dating_?"

He sighed. "Dating? No Daniel, we're not dating. The fact is, Sam is pregnant with my child, that's all."

He could tell that Daniel didn't get it. Either he thought Jack was kidding, or he hadn't been paying attention. "Right. So you aren't dating. What _are _you – wait. _What _did you say_?"_

"Sam's pregnant."

"_Pregnant_? What? How?"

"Daniel! Surely I don't have to teach you the facts of life."

"Of course not!" Daniel answered in disgust. "But there's no way you and Sam would do – that. You both have too much respect for the regulations. Unless of course …" he paused as if thinking about something.

Jack was touched at the faith of his friend. He went to answer when Daniel snapped his finger.

"The obelisk! That's what did it, isn't it?"

He really shouldn't bother trying to explain things to his friends, he decided. It was obvious that they could figure everything out on their own. He didn't know whether to be flattered or irritated that they knew him so well. "Yes", he answered shortly. "It was the obelisk."

"Wow! So it actually worked. That's amazing Jack. To think that an object that ancient could have the effect that -"

"_Daniel_!" he interrupted the roll the archaeologist was on. "Uh – can we get back to the subject?"

"What? Oh– I'm sorry! So Sam – is – oh my GOD Jack – Sam is pregnant! And it's yours! What are you going to do? How is she? And how are you? Are you okay about this? What are you going to do? Jack – what about the Air Force? Are they going to court martial you? But it was an alien artifact that caused this so they can't and anyway General Hammond wouldn't let them do that. But Jack – Sam is _pregnant!_"

"I know Daniel." He sat there watching his friend and wanted to laugh, especially when he compared his reaction to Teal'c's.

"So – what are you going to do?"

He did laugh softly then. "Nothing."

"_What_? You can't do nothing! How's Sam? Have you talked to her?"

"Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Slow down! Of _course_ I've talked to her. How do you think I know she's pregnant? She's fine - I mean, she still has some things to work through but she's doing good."

"And what about the pregnancy?"

"What about it? She's doing fine and the baby's doing fine."

"And you?"

"And me?" He smiled. "I'm okay Daniel – better in fact."

"So, _are_ you and Sam – together?"

"No Daniel, we're not – at least not like that. We're – friends. I'm gonna be there for her and for the baby."

"But Jack! You and Sam – hell, you've loved each other for a long time so _why_ aren't you together?"

Jack sighed and twirled back and forth on the stool for a few seconds. He finally came to a stop and faced his friend. "Daniel – when I said we're not together – I didn't mean that we don't – care for each other. Okay, okay", he said when Daniel raised a skeptical eyebrow. "We _love_ each other. But it's been a rough few months and we're not ready to jump into anything. Right now we just want to take things slowly, spend time together and get – healthy. Then we'll see where things go."

Daniel looked at his friend for a few moments, a look of deep concentration on his face. Jack was expecting a lecture and was therefore surprised at what the younger man finally said.

"That's smart Jack. Good for you! You know I'll be there for both of you if you need anything and I'm sure things will work out just fine."

Jack waited for more. He was positive he was going to get some advice or a lecture on how to behave. Daniel simply stared at him.

"What?" the younger man finally asked.

"That's it?"

"What do you mean? I told you I'm there for you. What else do you want?"

"Uh – nothing. That's great Daniel. I really appreciate it. I just – I kind of expected you to say more, that's all."

"No. It sounds to me like you guys are doing the right thing and it's not my business to interfere."

Jack stood up slowly and walked over to his friend. He examined him closely, his eyes narrowed in concentration. "You _are_ Daniel Jackson aren't you?"

Daniel gave a short laugh. "Of course I am Jack. What's wrong?"

"I thought maybe you'd been replaced with an alien replica or something. You're _sure_ you're not going to give me advice or tell me off for something I've done, not done or am planning to do?"

"Come on Jack. I don't do that to you!"

"Yes you do. All the time. But hey – I'm not gonna complain." He then sobered up and looked sincerely at the other man. "I really do appreciate it Danny. The next few months won't be easy and it's nice to know all our friends will be there to support us. But _not bug us_!" he reiterated.

"Hey Jack?" Daniel asked, just as the Colonel was about to leave his office.

"Yeah?"

"Have you picked out any names?"

"Names?"

"Yeah, for the baby?"

"Uh – no, not yet. Why?"

"Oh, I might be able to help, that's all. I have a great repertoire of names from all over the -"

"That's okay Daniel." He opened the door and stepped into the hall. At the last moment he stuck his head back in the door. "Homer or Marge." With that he shut Daniel's door and walked away.

Jackson sat at his desk, an amused and pleased expression on his face. After a few moments he stood up. "Better go see what Teal'c thinks of all this", he said to himself.

As he left his office he couldn't help the big grin that appeared on his face. "About damn time you two", he muttered. "Okay Teal'c – now I get to say 'I told you so'." His day was made.


	17. Touching Jack

He hadn't been to the house in a long time; years in fact. Oh, he'd seen Sara – they got together occasionally for coffee and saw each other at Charlie's grave twice a year; once on his birthday, the other the anniversary of his death.

He'd arranged with Hammond to have those two days off each year and mostly he'd managed to make them. The only times he'd missed had been when he'd been in the infirmary following Carter's and his little escapade in Antarctica and the two times he'd been missing, once on Edora, the other time with Maybourne.

Sara had understood. She'd been a military wife long enough to know there were times he'd had no choice. He was pretty sure she was now relieved she didn't have to worry about his absences and so took his failure to show up in stride.

He was a little surprised at how difficult it was to come to the house. He felt like he'd dealt with most of his demons by now, although if he was honest he knew that some of them he'd just shoved aside and had not really dealt with them at all.

He forced himself out of the truck and up the walkway to the house. He had to stop and breathe deeply for a few seconds before finally walking to the front door. The wave of sadness and nostalgia that washed over him shocked him.

"Jack." Sara had clearly been watching for him and had the door open before he even reached it. He leaned forward and gave her a swift peck on the cheek. Normally he hugged her, but that was still something he was dealing with.

"Sara. Hi – thanks for letting me come over."

"You're always welcome Jack, you know that. Your voice sounded – strange – on the phone. Is everything okay?"

He followed her into the house and found himself feeling both relieved and upset to see how much had changed. Sara had completely redecorated the living room and hallway and it didn't even look like the same house anymore. He felt a sudden sense of loss.

"You've changed things", was all he said.

She grimaced. "I know – I'm sorry. It must be a shock. I just – I had to start moving on and redecorating was helpful. I did cry though – and hated myself for doing it for a long time."

"No – no, you did the right thing. I just – it looks nice."

She smiled and nodded and invited him to sit. "Can I get you a drink? I have juice, beer, coffee?"

"Just some water, if that's okay?"

After they were settled he allowed himself to simply look at her as he took a sip of water. She looked good – great in fact. Unlike him – who had gone pretty much gray over the years – she looked almost the same as the day he'd left. "You're looking good – great Sara."

"Thanks Jack." She grinned. "And you're looking good too. Gray suits you."

He rubbed his head self-consciously and then returned the grin. "Yeah – maybe, although I think it just makes me look old."

She snorted. "Distinguished, not old."

"Yeah right!" He glanced around the living room again until his eyes fell on the picture of the three of them. She'd kept that, thank goodness. He had one like it in his house. "It's hard to believe it's so many years", he said quietly. "Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I was here and things were – good."

"I know. I still wake up some days expecting to hear him call 'Mom'. For the most part though – I think I've managed to find good things in life. What about you Jack? Have you finally dealt with everything?"

He shifted restlessly in his chair, not knowing quite how to answer. In some ways he'd been able to move on more quickly than Sara and get back into living. The program and his team had both helped. On the other hand, he knew she'd actually spent time dealing with her feelings of anguish and loss and anger. He, on the other hand, had ignored and buried those feelings. He wondered if he should start to deal with them before another child came into being.

"Uh – maybe", he equivocated. "I – things are okay though." He didn't think he could say much more, not now, not when this other thing was hanging over him. "You still seeing – Jim, I think?"

"Yes", she smiled and then grew serious. "Actually, I was glad when you called because I wanted to talk to you about that."

"Really? What's up?" He had a feeling he knew what she was going to say and couldn't quite tell how he was feeling. It was a mixture of sadness, relief and real pleasure – if what she said was what he was thinking.

"Jim's asked me to marry him. I told him yes."

Yup – he'd hit it right on. "I'm happy for you Sara", he said sincerely. He forced himself to stand and reach for her and then give her a hug. He wondered briefly if she could tell how hard it was for him to do this. Oh well – she'd probably just assume it was because he found her announcement hard. "When's the big day?"

"We haven't picked one yet. He has to tell his kids still."

"I didn't realize he had any. How old are they?"

"The oldest is fifteen – a boy named Ethan. Next is Emma at twelve and little Kate is six. Their mother died of cancer four years ago."

"I'm sorry, although you'll be a great step-mom. I _am_ really happy for you."

"Thank you Jack. That means a lot to me. I was – unsure – about telling you. I didn't know quite how you'd feel about it."

"Well, I have to admit there's a touch of sadness. We were great together Sara and if we hadn't lost Charlie I think we would still be together. But – most of me is just happy for you. You deserve happiness in your life and I'm sure this will give it to you. It also makes me feel a bit relieved."

She looked at him in surprise at that, clearly wondering what in the world he meant or whether or not she should be insulted.

"No – it's not – I meant I felt relief because of what I came here to tell you. It makes it a bit easier."

Her face cleared and she smiled. "You scared me there for a minute Jack! I assume by that you're here to tell me you're getting married too – or living together or something."

"Well, it's more the 'or something'," he told her. "I – my – I mean, I'm going to have a baby."

She stared blankly at him for a moment and then looked shocked. That was followed by some amusement and, if he wasn't mistaken, quite a bit of sadness. "You're looking pretty good for being pregnant Jack."

"_Sara_! I mean my – someone is having my child."

"Someone – not a girlfriend or wife?"

"No – look, it's complicated. The woman – she was in the Air Force, although she's not now. We were on a mission and something happened and she got pregnant. It was totally by accident."

"It often is", she said, her brows rose. "But does that mean you're in trouble?" She looked suddenly worried. "They're not court martialling you are they?"

" No. I'm not in trouble and Sam – she's the woman, isn't in the Air Force anymore. She resigned. Look, I wish I could explain better but I can't - it's classified. The fact is, we were under the influence of something and didn't know what we were doing."

"But you're both okay?"

"Yeah – I mean – it's been hard. There's been some crap to deal with but we're okay."

"And you're not – romantically involved with this woman?"

Jack didn't want to read anything into Sara's comments, or the tone of her voice, but he did think he'd caught a bit of a sense of relief in her voice as well. He knew this would be hard for her although she seemed to be handling it pretty well.

"Not – yet", he said. When she looked confused he continued. "We – it's been a tough time and we both felt it wasn't good to rush into anything, but we're good friends and we're going to spend time just getting to know each other better and see where things lead."

"I – see." She lifted her head and looked him straight in the eye. "And where do you want it to lead?"

"I'm hoping we'll get married", he finally admitted. It was actually the first time he'd even _thought _that, let alone said it. "I love her and I think she loves me."

"So whatever 'influence' you were under, wasn't a bad thing?"

He laughed softly. "Oh – it was bad, but the consequences, at least as far as Sam and me are concerned are not so bad."

"Well, I guess I owe you congratulations as well. A baby! You must be happy about that Jack. I know you always wanted lots of kids."

He could hear the tears in her voice and swore silently to himself. Sara had been unable to have children after Charlie and it had always haunted her. He suspected she felt less secure about him after that, although he had never been unfaithful to her – and would never have been. He stood up again and this time sat beside her on the couch. He put his arm around her and pulled her close.

"You know that I loved you and it didn't matter that all we had was Charlie", he told her. "I was happy Sara – never doubt that. And I didn't plan this – honestly. I didn't think I'd ever want kids again and frankly I'm terrified about this one. But it's happened, and I felt I owed you the truth."

"Thank you", she said softly. "I _am_ happy for you as well. A bit envious. Oh hell – I'm _really_ envious, but I'll get over it. I'll just remind myself that you'll be up walking the floor in the middle of the night and having to change dirty diapers again. I'll be okay", she told him quickly when she felt his arm tighten across her shoulders. "I'll probably cry a bit and then I'll remember that I have another wonderful man in my life and three great kids to mother. I really will be okay."

"I know you will", he answered. "You've always been much stronger than me Sara. I – you'll be a great mom – you _were_ a great mom. I hope I get to meet the kids one day."

"You will. I'm going to invite you to the wedding and I expect you to come."

He groaned. "Are your Aunt Mildred and Uncle Fred going to be there? And promise me you'll keep me away from Cousin Elizabeth."

She laughed and hit him on the shoulder. "Yes, they'll all be there and will make your life hell! _That _will be my payback for having a young – whatever you call Sam – and a baby."

They chatted for a few more minutes and then he got up to leave. He suspected Sara needed a bit of alone time to process everything. He knew he did.

"Jack", she said as he opened the front door. "I have some baby things of Charlie's. I think you should have them. I'll put them in a box and you can come by and pick them up."

"Sara", he frowned. "I – you should keep them."

"No, it's okay. I've kept quite a few things and put them in a special chest. These are some other things that are in the attic. I was actually going to see if you wanted them anyway and if not I was going to donate them. I just think – it would be nice for Charlie's little brother or sister to have some of his things."

He nodded and tried to smile. He didn't think he would be able to speak as he felt his throat tighten. He knew he was on the verge of disgracing himself by crying – something ex-black ops soldiers weren't supposed to do. "Thank you", he finally got out. She nodded in understanding and watched as he made his way to the car. It was only after he'd left, and she shut the door to her house, that she broke down in tears.

* * *

"I told Sara", he said quietly.

"Sara?" Jeff asked. He didn't think he'd heard that name before. He wasn't surprised though. Jack O'Neill kept things pretty close to his chest and would only dole out things in little bits. He was actually both surprised and pleased that the Colonel had continued to come and see him. He knew it had been a struggle for him to even come to a therapist and the courage he'd shown in continuing, was remarkable.

It was difficult to get military men or women to look after themselves when it came to their mental or emotional lives. They were trained to be strong and courageous, to think of others before themselves. Many saw it as a weakness to ask for help or to admit to any kind of mental illness or trauma. It helped if they could go to one of their own, which is why his history helped. Still, it was a struggle. What really made the difference was when the Brass – from the top down – worked to take away the shame of asking for help and stressed that it was something positive.

"Sara – was my – is my ex-wife."

"Oh, I see. And you told her -?"

"About the baby."

"And how was that?"

"Hard – I was afraid I was going to hurt her. I think it did, a bit – but she took it pretty well. I just felt like a heel."

"Why would you feel like a heel?"

"Because – Sara couldn't have any more children after Charlie – and I killed him! Now I'm having another child and – I feel like a complete jerk!"

"Do you think she blames you?"

"Blames me? For what? For having another baby? I don't know – maybe."

"Or for Charlie's death. You just said you killed him."

"Hell – what is this? I'm not here about Charlie or Sara. I'm here because of what happened on that F**k'n planet. What difference does it make whether she blames me or I blame myself? It's over and done with and I can't change things and neither can you."

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to Jack. You brought it up, that's all."

"Well no – I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay – what do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know", he stood up and did his usual wander around the office. Whenever he was tense or frightened (which he'd never admit to a living soul) he had to move, to expend some of the building energy. "Maybe nothing. I think I should go and not waste your time."

"I assure you – you are not wasting my time. Look – you can choose to leave at any time – and you don't have to come back if you don't want to. I think you _do_ want to Jack, because I think you know there are things that you need to deal with and it helps to have someone – an unbiased someone – to talk to. I'm not going to push you – I'm just here to listen."

Jack finally sat down again, although he leaned forward and put his head in his hands. He didn't speak for a long time, not quite sure what he could or should say.

"How is Sam?" It was Jeff who finally broke the silence.

"She's fine." He lifted his head at that and his face instantly looked more relaxed. "We told our friends and they've been great. We had a get-together at my place the other night and it was like old times. It was fun."

"I'm glad – you need that. And how are things going between the two of you?"

"Good – really good. I mean, we're taking it really slowly – just being friends right now – but it's good. I still -" He stopped and breathed deeply. "I still can't – Doc, what if I can't ever – you know – enjoy, physical – _stuff_ – again?"

"It hasn't been that long Jack. You're doing amazingly well in just a few short months. Don't worry about the other. It _will_ come back to you – although you still need more time. Just continue to take things slowly and eventually you'll be able to cope. Sam can help as well."

"She's afraid to touch me because of – not wanting to hurt me. I think it also brings up memories for her."

"That's understandable. She needs to understand that, although she was the aggressor, she is just as much a victim as you are. She needs to deal with the guilt and fear herself and that will help you."

"I've tried to get her to go to see someone, but she refuses. She thinks she can do it herself."

"And you don't think so?"

"No", he answered shortly, abruptly. "No, I don't. I used to – I thought that that was the way we were supposed to handle things but – I just don't know how to get her to go for help."

"What if I asked her to come see me?" Jeff put it out there. He'd been wanting to mention this for a while but until now hadn't had the opportunity.

"I think she'd be embarrassed talking to you about – what happened. If she does see someone it'll probably be a woman."

"I didn't mean to have her come in to see me as a client. I was thinking more along the lines of having her come in to help you."

"To help me? What do you mean? I don't want you telling her what I've said or done. I thought this was confidential."

"Of course it is Jack. I would never reveal anything of what you've shared with me. All I was meaning was the bit about the physical closeness. You said yourself she feels guilty. What if I see her to give her some tips on the best way she can help you get over your – anxiety? I'll just give her a few practical suggestions and then see if I can help her see the way to asking for help for herself. This way you'll be helping her – while she thinks she's helping you!"

Jack shook his head – not in denial at what the Doc had said – but because it aligned so closely with what he'd already figured out about how they healed best. "Yeah, okay. But I can't promise she'll come."

"Are you okay if I call her?"

He nodded, "yeah."

As he was about to leave the session Jeff reached out, a piece of paper in his hand.

"What's this?" Jack took it and unfolded it. It had a telephone number on it under the words 'Bereaved Parents'. "What -?"

"Jack – I just wanted you to have this in case. I'm not going to interfere and you've told me you don't want to talk about your son. I just thought – if you ever do – this is a good group. It's for parents who have lost a child. It's peer support – so you talk to others who have been through similar things. You can keep the number or throw it out. It's up to you."

Jack wanted to scrunch the paper up and toss it, but something made him stop. Instead he nodded and shoved the paper in his pocket. He said a quiet goodbye and left.

* * *

"Ms Carter – thank you for coming." Jeff shook her hand and welcomed her into his office. He noticed she was both pale and nervous looking. He admired her for coming – and it told him something of the depth of her feelings for the Colonel that she had been willing to see him.

"Please, have a seat."

"You have clearance, Jack told me." She spoke quietly, but directly.

"Yes. I see a number of people from the SGC. I must admit, it sounds absolutely fascinating. Do you miss it?"

Sam's head twitched but she did look up at him. "Yes, terribly."

"Have you thought of going back? From what the Colonel has said you were exceptional at your job. I expect they'd love to have you again."

"Maybe – although I think the Air Force is relieved I'm gone."

"Relieved? Why?"

She indicated her growing belly. "Too many whispers. We'd be accused of having slept together while I was serving with him. Everyone would think we'd gotten unfair treatment, that we should have been court martialled.

"I see. That is rough. Surely they could let people at the SGC know something of what happened."

"Maybe, I guess."

"But you still don't want to go back?"

"I – it would be difficult now. They wouldn't let me go through the gate. I'd be in the labs."

"And you wouldn't like that?"

"Yes, yes I would but – what is this Doctor? I came here to help Jack, not to be interrogated."

"Sorry", he smiled. "Habit I guess. I really wasn't trying to be nosey. No, that's not quite true. I'm always nosey. I was really just trying to make conversation, to get to know you a bit. If you want you can ask me any questions you want. Fair is fair."

She relaxed slightly, understanding why Jack seemed to like this man. He had a sense of humor and seemed honest - two qualities Jack valued greatly.

"Okay – tell me what happened with your leg."

"Wow – the Colonel was right. You really are fearless!"

She could feel a warm glow at the therapist's words. It meant a lot to her that the Colonel – Jack – saw her that way.

Jeff proceeded to tell her about his time in Iraq and his work there. It was obvious, from what he said – or more truthfully, what he _didn't_ say – that he'd hated what he'd had to do but felt it was his duty so did it to the best of his abilities. Her respect for him began to grow along with a deeper understanding of what Jack saw in this man.

She got the distinct impression that he'd been somewhat relieved to have been injured and forced to go back to college. The way he spoke about his present job showed that _this_ was his passion. He had a burning desire to help those men and women who had been injured – either physically or mentally/emotionally. He had found his calling.

By the time he was done telling her his story she felt much better about being here. She'd been surprised when she'd received a call from him but had agreed to come in when he'd told her that Jack knew about it and agreed. If her speaking to this man could help the Colonel, then she'd do it.

"Thank you Doctor Emil", she told him. "I appreciate you telling me that."

"No problem – and please, call me Jeff. I have trouble thinking of myself as a doctor. So, as I told you on the phone, I was hoping we could talk a bit about how you can help the Colonel."

"And he knows about this?" she asked again. She knew he did – she'd talked to him, just to double check. His answer – "yeah Carter – Jeff thought it'd be a good idea. If you don't mind that is."

Of course she didn't mind - she was happy to help him in whatever way she could. Happy, and terrified and angry and confused. But she'd do it. For him – anything.

"Yes, he knows and he's fine with it. Now I may ask you a few questions and I hope you won't get upset. It's simply that anything you can tell me about what happened, about your reactions and the Colonel's can help. If, at anytime, you feel uncomfortable, please let me know. I respect your privacy so don't feel uncomfortable about pushing back if you think I'm being" he grinned, "nosey again."

She nodded but didn't smile. She was just too nervous. Her hands were clutched together so tightly the knuckles were totally white.

"So, the Colonel told me what happened on the planet and all about this Amazon 'machine'."

"Obelisk."

"Right – obelisk. Do you have clear memories of what happened after you touched it? You don't have to give me any details, I just want to find out how much you remember."

"Everything. I remember everything."

"Okay. So, you know that the Colonel has some – anxiety – about physical touching and intimacy as a result? By the way, he knows we're talking about this and gave me the okay to speak with you about it. I'm not breaking any confidences."

"I know", she answered quietly.

"So, the reason I asked you here today was to enlist your help in working with the Colonel. He wants to get over his – fears. I believe that you are really the only one who can do that. Will you help Ms Carter?"

"Sam. Of course I'll help. What do you want me to do?"

"Well, I want to lay out some things for you to try with him. They're all related to touching and getting physically close. I expect it's going to be almost as difficult for you as for the Colonel."

"For me? I don't have trouble with touching." She began to feel anger, on top of her tension.

"No? Even with the Colonel?"

"That's different. I know it's hard for him so I'm – careful."

"Do you feel guilty around him? About touching him I mean."

"What? Guilty? Of course not – it wasn't my fault. He knows that."

"Yes, he does", he nodded. "And you believe it? You really believe that you're not guilty."

"This isn't about me Doc. You told me to tell you to back off – and I'm telling you that now. This is about the Colonel, not about me."

"But this _is_ about the Colonel, Sam. Don't you think that your feelings affect the way he behaves, the way he reacts? Yes, he does have trouble with physical contact. Some of that is certainly as a result of what happened on that planet. I suspect that some of it is also because he's aware of _your_ feelings. As long as you keep your guilt there may be a part of his subconscious that wonders whether or not there really _is_ something you have to feel guilty about."

"You mean – he thinks that I really _wanted_ to hurt him?" she looked at him in horror.

"Sam – I told you – he doesn't _think_ that but it may be what he feels. I suspect he's just like you – what he knows and what he feels are sometimes different."

"Oh God", she covered her face. "I – never knew. So he's afraid there's something in me that may – make me – attack him?"

"I wouldn't go that far", he assured her. "Still, there's enough uncertainty there to increase his feelings of discomfort, that's all I'm saying. I'm sure most of it is related to the planet."

"Where I _did_ hurt him."

"Yes, you did. However, you didn't want to. You didn't do it intentionally and now is your chance to fix things. Help him get over the fear so he can love you with all of himself, including the physical."

"Tell me what I have to do."

They spoke for a long time about different things she could do to help him. They mapped out a progressive program to increase the physical contact between them. Fortunately, for her, they didn't go into anything beyond kissing. Jeff figured that was plenty for now.

"And you think this will help?" she asked at the end.

"I do. There's one other thing that I think is going to be essential – but I don't know if you'll agree to it."

"What is it? You know I'll do anything to help him."

"Will you?" He looked at her carefully. "Okay – but you're not going to like it."

"Doctor, I've done things for years that I didn't _like_ but I knew where my duty lay. I think I can handle something like this."

"Alright. Then I want you to start going to therapy to deal with your own feelings of guilt and anger over what happened."

Sam was furious. She'd just been manipulated by a master and they both knew it. How the hell could she refuse now – and yet she wanted to. She wanted to tell the doctor to go to hell and to get up and leave. She would have, except she knew how much he'd done, was doing, to help Jack.

"Fine! I'm not coming to see you!"

"No – that wouldn't be appropriate anyway since I'm seeing Colonel O'Neill. I wrote a few names down here", he handed her a piece of paper. "The first two are women and they all have clearance so you can tell them everything. Personally, I like Dr. Thibault. She's worked with a lot of women who've suffered sexual assault and I've heard really good things about her."

"I wasn't assaulted Doctor", she told him as she put the paper in her purse.

"Yes you were Sam – just as much as was Colonel O'Neill. Until you _believe_ that, you're not going to get over your guilt. Just call one of the people on that list. It will help."

As she left his office she wasn't quite sure what to feel. She was still angry at the doctor, although a small part of her sub-conscious was telling her that the anger wasn't really directed at him – but at herself. She was also feeling pissed with Jack. She figured he'd had a part in this whole thing – which she suspected was more about getting her into therapy than about helping him. Still, and here she smiled, he _was_ going to reap the benefits of today.

Operation 'touching Jack O'Neill' had officially begun.


	18. Casting out Demons

"Sam Hi! Come on in." Daniel stepped back and welcomed her into his apartment. He'd invited them all over for some Middle Eastern food and for a chance to simply hang out together. It was nice being back amongst her _other_ family. She actually felt a bit bad when she realized that she was actually closer to these guys than she was to her blood relatives.

"Anyone else here yet?" she said as she handed Daniel her coat.

"Nope. You're the first. Jack's gone to pick up Teal'c and Janet's dropping Cassie off at a friend's for the night and then coming over."

"Great. Can I help you with anything? Smells wonderful!"

They made their way into Daniel's tiny kitchen, chatting casually about much of nothing. Sam was interested to hear about their forth team member – Peters. She found it hard not to be a little jealous, but then her hand rested on her tummy and she decided things were just fine.

"So, everyone was terrified of Jack", Daniel said as he began putting some of the evening's dishes into serving bowls. "He didn't even realize but he went around looking like a thundercloud. It was interesting walking through the halls with him. You've never seen them so deserted!"

"Really? Poor Jack. It must have been so difficult for him."

"Yeah – but pity the rest of us too. We had to put up with him. He did get somewhat better when we pointed out to him what was happening. I mean, he really _did_ make the effort to not be such a hard-ass. But still, when we heard you were back – I think we all were ready to kneel down and kiss your feet."

"_Daniel_! That's – that's _creepy_!" She pretended to shiver.

"Creepy or not – there was rejoicing when we heard you'd returned." Just then the doorbell rang and Daniel went into the other room to greet the new arrival. Soon everyone was there and dinner was served.

Sam sat beside Jack and made sure to touch him casually on the arm all throughout the meal. The first couple of times she did it she obviously startled him because he jerked his arm away. Once he almost spilled a bowl of humus but caught himself in time. After those first two times he calmed down and by the end of the evening he had even returned the favor a couple of times.

When it was time to return to the living room for coffee (or in her case tea), she maneuvered herself so she was curled up right beside him on the couch. She received a few knowing glances but couldn't have cared less. She had a plan and she was going to carry it out come hell or high water.

It wasn't that there hadn't been a number of times, since the planet, when Jack had touched her or gotten close to her. But she knew that he still found it difficult and tended to only touch her when he thought she was upset or needed him. Her plan was to get him used to her touch and to lose his fear. So he might as well get used to having a barnacle because she was not about to stop!

"So Jack", Janet focused her doctor's gaze on the Colonel. "I hear the ultrasound went well. Did you get to see the baby?"

"Yeah." He grinned. "It looked just like me."

"It did not!" Sam laughed. "Although it _was_ moving around a lot."

"Couldn't stay still? Definitely sounds like the Colonel", Janet told her. "Did you find out the sex?"

"Nope", Jack answered. "We didn't want to know."

"He likes surprises", Sam snuggled closer and laid her head on his shoulder, her one arm thrown around his stomach in front. "And I really don't care as long as he or she is healthy."

It had been a great evening, with everyone feeling relaxed and happy. Jack had seemed to handle her closeness rather well, which gave her hope for the future. Still, when he'd said goodnight he'd simply smiled at her and told her he'd see her. He didn't attempt to hug her.

As she lay in bed that night she thought again about all that had happened. She was starting to feel better about everything and especially about her relationship – as tentative as it was – with Jack. It wasn't perfect though – and she did worry whether or not they could get over their fears and move ahead. With a sigh she pulled out the piece of paper that Jeff had given her and looked at it again. Maybe it was time to take the jump. Jack had done it – and he was notoriously shy of therapists. If he could do it, why couldn't she?

* * *

"Come in! You must be Major Carter." The gray haired woman stood and walked up to her and held out her hand. She looked to be in her fifties and was simply, yet elegantly dressed. The nameplate on the door had read 'Margarite Thibault, Psy D'. Looking at her, Sam's first impression was that she was unpretentious but confident, a combination that she immediately liked.

"Actually, it's not Major – not anymore. Please just call me Sam."

"Sam. And you can call me Margarite. Well come on in and have a seat."

Sam glanced around the room and finally took a seat in a comfortable looking chair. The Doctor sat in another chair across from her. She was nervous about this whole thing and wondered, for the hundredth time, if she was making a big mistake. Oh well – nothing ventured …!

"So Sam, tell me a little about yourself and why you've come to see me today."

"Did you read my file?" Since Dr. Thibault had clearance to work with the men and women of the Stargate program, she figured she must have access to all their medical files.

"No. I make it a habit to meet my clients first so I don't gain a false impression by reading reports others have written. All I know about you is that you were recently with the Stargate Program but retired a few months ago. I can also see, by looking at you, that you're about – five months pregnant?"

"Good guess", she told the other woman. "I'm almost exactly twenty weeks."

Margarite nodded. "I've had five of my own so you get pretty good at telling these things. Is this your first?"

"Yes."

"Are congratulations in order?" The doctor spoke gently, a slight question on her face. She wasn't about to presume anything.

"Yes – at least – I guess so. I mean, I'm happy but it didn't happen in the best of circumstances."

"If you feel like telling me about those circumstances, or if they're part of the reason you're here, I'm happy to listen, otherwise, congratulations."

"Thank you. I – it's sort of why I'm here. At least the _reason_ I'm pregnant is why I'm here." Sam stopped talking and looked around the room. She took in the pictures, which were mostly nature scenes. She noted that they were all calm and peaceful – she was sure to give the people who came here a sense of serenity. She also checked out the doctor's credentials – which were quite impressive. Lastly, she looked at the family pictures which were spread out all over a credenza behind the desk. There was a distinguished looking man – she assumed her husband, and various pictures of children from early adolescence to mid-twenties or there about.

"My family", Dr. Thibault said proudly. "David is my youngest – he's twelve – and Tricia is the oldest at twenty-four. In between are Marcus, Sean, and Andrea. My husband Henry – the love of my life – is a cardiologist."

"You have a great looking family", Sam told her with a smile. "You must be very proud."

"Oh, I am. I also have this head of gray hairs as a result of all of them – Henry included", she laughed. "Now, tell me something about yourself Sam – something more than you worked at the SGC and that you're pregnant."

Sam started slowly – telling a bit about her work over the last few years. She mentioned simply that her mother had been killed when she was thirteen and her father was – at least had been – a general in the Air Force. She finished by telling the Doc that she'd resigned almost five months ago.

"Around the time you became pregnant?" Margarite asked. "Is that why you resigned?"

"No – no. I didn't find out I was pregnant until a few weeks later."

"So was it the 'circumstances' that caused you to be pregnant what made you quit?"

Damn – she was sharp! Sam had known as soon as she walked in that she wasn't going to be able to hide things from this woman. For the first time, however, she didn't want to. A sudden sense of relief enveloped her and she closed her eyes. "Yes", she answered softly. "Yes – they were. I did – something terrible and I was – am – having a hard time dealing with it. I don't know what to do anymore."

The Doctor leaned forward, a serious but kind expression on her face. "Sam, it may sound trite, but what I'm going to say is very true. The first and most important step in healing is to recognize that you need help, that you can't do it all alone. And it's not an easy thing to recognize, especially for people in the military. I'm here to help you in whatever way I can, but I want you to know that _you_ are the one with the power. I am here to guide you and to be a sounding board – but _you_ are the person who will choose to deal with this or not. The fact that you're here tells me that you have chosen to deal with whatever it is."

"I guess – although I almost didn't come in. I was ready to run!"

Margarite laughed. "I can tell you that most of the people that come here have thought the same – some of them have even done it. But most of them come back. Now that you've taken the first – and hardest – step, tell me whatever you feel comfortable with. I'm here to listen."

By the time she left the Doctor's office she felt like a rung out, stomped on, ripped to pieces rag. She was almost positive that all strength had left her muscles and she could tell she was shaky. At the same time, she felt amazingly light. She knew this wasn't the end, that she had a lot more to do, but she knew she'd taken the right step.

And it had been Jack who had encouraged her to come! She had an instant longing to see him – and to see him now. They weren't scheduled to meet until tomorrow evening – their way of trying to keep thing slow. But she knew she needed him so jumped into her car and pointed it in his direction.

She was relieved to see his truck in the driveway although by the time she reached his front door she felt exhausted and debated whether to knock. She was having second thoughts about bothering him. He might resent her just showing up without calling first and she was a bit of a mess – emotional, not physical. She slowly began to turn away, convinced she'd made a mistake in coming here, when the door suddenly opened.

"Carter! What the heck are you doing standing out there? Come on in." He reached out and grabbed her arm and pulled her inside. "It's cold out!"

She didn't say anything, just allowed herself to breathe in the warm, Jack-scented air in his house. She could feel herself start to sway, pulled towards him by an invisible, yet powerful force.

He narrowed his eyes at her, worried suddenly by her pale face and wide eyes. "Carter – Sam, are you alright?" He stepped forward and put his arms around her and held her close.

She shuddered and then leaned into him, grateful for his warm and safe embrace. They stood there for a long time until she finally felt well enough to stand on her own. She carefully pulled back and looked up into his face. "Thank you", she whispered.

"You're welcome", he smiled, "although I don't have a clue what for."

"For being here", she answered.

"Uh – Carter – I _live_ here."

She smiled at him. "I know. Funny how my car seemed to make it here on its own. I meant that I'm glad you're here for _me_."

"Of course", he answered simply. "Always."

"I know – and that's why I love you."

He leaned forward and kissed her on the nose. "So, why did your car come here on its own? Are you sure everything is okay?"

"Yes, it's fine. Are you busy? Did I get you at a bad time?"

"Sam, there's never a bad time for you. Come on", he reached down and took her hand and pulled her down the short hallway into his living room. Walking over to his couch he sat down and pulled her down next to him. "Okay – spill!"

She turned until she was facing him and then leaned forward so that her head was on his shoulder and her arm was around him. She breathed in deeply – the closeness and warmth from his body relaxing her. "I went to see that therapist today", she told him softly.

He was silent, although she felt his hand come up and touch the back of her neck. He began to give her a gentle massage. Finally he spoke. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine." She gave a small laugh. "Exhausted, but fine."

"Yeah – that's the way I feel after –"

"Do you?" She moved slightly so she could look at him. His hand dropped away from her neck which made her frown. "I didn't know that's how I'd feel. I was – I didn't want to go", she admitted.

He simply nodded, and brought his hand back up so that he was holding her gently. She sighed and leaned forward again. "I couldn't believe how – scared I was. It was -" She paused, not quite sure how to describe how she'd felt.

"Like going into battle?" he asked.

"Yes! That's exactly it! But – but that's silly. I mean, it's not like I was in danger or anything."

"Yes you were", he told her. "You were in danger of letting someone see something that you didn't want anyone to know. We guard our minds and hearts and souls as carefully as we guard our bodies – sometimes even more carefully. It's not silly at all to be frightened of letting someone in. It _is_ frightening."

"You're a wise man, you know that Sir", she said into his shoulder. "Sorry!" she looked up. "I meant Jack. It still slips out sometimes."

"That's okay. I kinda like it."

She smiled and nuzzled his shoulder. "Does it get better?"

"Therapy?"

She nodded.

"Yes and no – at least that's what I've found. I – every time I go I feel – nervous. I know I'm going to have to let something out, probably something I've kept pretty close. But afterwards, I always feel relieved that I told Jeff. I trust him now so just going is easier – the other, telling my secrets - not so much. But I'm glad I went and that I'm still going. It's helped."

"I think I'm glad too, although afterward I wanted to cry – or throw up, I couldn't decide which."

"You're going to go back?"

"Oh yeah. Unless I decide to make a break for it and run away."

"You won't do that. You're the bravest woman I know Carter. Running away just isn't in your bones."

After a little while she finally pulled away from him completely, figuring he was probably getting stiff, or feeling claustrophobic from having her plastered all over him. She realized in surprise that this was the first time she hadn't been aware or worried about crowding him. She responded instinctively and so had he. He hadn't seemed nervous at all.

She sat beside him on the couch, regarding him in surprise.

"What?" he asked, his brow furrowed in speculation. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Jack – did it bother you that I've practically been on top of you for the last", she looked at her watch, "forty-five minutes?"

"Really? It was that long?" he grinned. "I didn't notice."

"No – I mean – I wasn't worried about touching you and you didn't seem at all worried to _have _me touch you."

His expression changed to one of surprise. "You're right. I didn't even notice!" He suddenly looked quite pleased. "So – your little experiment seems to be paying off!"

"Experiment? What do you mean?"

"Oh – I thought you and Jeff had cooked something up. The last few days you've managed to touch me, hold me, sit by me and generally not let me alone. I figured it was something Jeff was having you do."

"Jack O'Neill", she hit his arm. "How dare you assume that your therapist is responsible for me touching you. Don't you think I _want_ to touch you?"

He looked a bit shamefaced. "Sorry, I guess I thought it was part of my 'therapy'. I didn't mean to suggest you were _only_ doing it because of Jeff."

"Of course not. I'm doing it because I love you and want you to feel comfortable and because Jeff said it might help!" She grinned and covered her head when Jack began to hit her with a cushion.

"You're an evil woman Samantha Carter! Just for that I'm not going to -"

"Going to – what?" she asked when he grew silent.

Jack's grin faded and his eyes examined every inch of her face. He slowly reached up with his hand and cupped her cheek. He then leaned forward, very slowly and deliberately until his face was only centimeters from hers. "- kiss you", he whispered. He moved those last few centimeters and his lips touched hers gently.

Her eyes closed and she allowed herself to feel – not to think, not to wonder – just to feel. The touch of his warm, soft lips on hers sent an electric tingle through her body. .

The kiss wasn't passionate, or fierce or exciting. It was slow and gentle and somewhat tentative. He didn't open his mouth, didn't deepen the kiss. It was, however, the most wonderful kiss she'd ever shared in her life.

How long they sat there, their lips touching, their breathing in harmony, their hearts beating together, neither of them knew. Finally they both sat back, side by side, not speaking, barely touching – only their hands together. They were silent, each thinking of what had just happened, and knowing it had taken them to a place they had never been before, at least not together.

"So", he said. He immediately cleared his throat as that had come out more as a croak than a word. "So", he tried again. "That was -"

"Amazing", she told him tenderly.

"It wasn't -"

"Yes it was. It was the best."

"If you think _that_ was my best – I can only say you have some surprises in store for you."

Her lips lifted in a very knowing smile. "I look forward to them – Jack!"

"So do I – believe me – so do I!"

She drove home that evening – much later than she'd planned – with a smile on her face. It had been a good day, the last part had moved into 'great'. They hadn't done anything more than that kiss, but they'd both felt like they'd made a major breakthrough. She slept well that night, dreaming of Jack and of that kiss.

* * *

Jack sat looking up at the stars for a long time after Sam left that evening. He was glad she'd come by – more than glad. It had been an amazing evening and he felt calmer than he'd felt in a long, long time. The fact that Sam had gone to see someone pleased him. It made him feel like together they could do this. He grinned when he thought of her plan to help him – aided by Jeff. He was touched, no pun intended, but also a bit embarrassed. Still, it seemed to be working. He was less and less nervous about physical contact. He knew, however, that what they'd done so far was simple and not really threatening. There was still a lot that scared him shitless!

As he continued to look up, seeing the constellations twinkling down at him, he finally faced the thought he'd been avoiding since his last visit to Jeff. Sam's visit tonight had only increased the realization that he had to take that first step. If he and Sam wanted a life together, then he _had _to deal with his demons. And that meant all of them, not just the ones they'd created together. No, he had one huge one that he'd carried for far too long. Now was the time to cast it out.

He took one last look up and then his thoughts returned to Earth. With a sigh he descended the ladder and made his way inside. He was no longer calm – but he was resolute. This had to be done.

* * *

"Welcome", the man in front of him smiled and put his hand out. "Come in and have a seat."

He entered the room – noticing there were only about eight other people. They were seated in armchairs, all except for two of them who were on a small couch. They sat in a circle and the lights were dim. Everyone was silent and no one was looking at anyone else. He could feel the tension – and, he was sure the anguish, in the room. He found an empty chair and sat down, silent like the rest, hands clasped tightly in front of him.

The man who had greeted him entered the room and closed the door behind him. He then made his way to another chair and sat down. He looked slowly around at everyone and gave a gentle smile.

"Hi everyone and welcome. My name is John and six years ago my seven year old son Ethan was killed by a drunk driver ….


	19. Understanding

_**WARNING: The following chapter is extremely angst-filled and deals with the deaths of young children. There is nothing graphic but it is sad. If this bothers you in the slightest, please do not read this chapter. The stories I have told are based on real life situations (not real names of course). For many years I worked as a peer counselor for parents who had lost children (after having lost two of my own). What I describe here is real, but can be painful to read. So again – if this bothers you, and in light of some of the recent tragedies in our country, PLEASE skip this chapter. I will give a short recap in the following chapter so people won't miss any of the plot. Thank you. **_

_**This chapter is dedicated to all those amazing, strong, courageous parents who have suffered the loss of a child but have gone on to honor their child's memory in many beautiful ways.**_

The mood in the room became ever heartbreaking as each person spoke. The description of the tragedies, of young lives cut short were too much to bear, and yet they all sat and listened. As it came time for each person to speak, to share his or her story you could see the anguish, the hesitation, the desire to stand up and run away, as if physically leaving would make the pain stay behind. And yet, each person _did_ speak. Quietly, hesitatingly, voices full of fear and shame and guilt, they began their stories. In each case they started with their joy, the story of a beautiful child, the center of its parents' lives. They spoke of their happiness, their pride, their love. And then the stories moved to their loss, to the moment when their lives were forever changed; when joy turned to pain, light to dark and hope to despair.

Jack sat quietly and listened. He knew his own pain was so great, although buried so deep, that he didn't want to hear what was being said. He didn't want to open himself to more pain, to listening to stories of more young lives ended too soon. He tried to not hear, to close his ears and his mind to what was being said. But still – the words crept in as did the joy and as did the pain.

He heard about little Emily – the pride of her mother, the little girl who loved pink and all things cuddly. He listened as her father spoke about carrying her on his shoulders and how she would giggle and hold on tight, scared yet trusting. Then he sat not moving as her father told of the day the doctor said she would not be in the world for long – that the cancer had gone too far and couldn't be stopped. He had to look away when he saw the tears in the other man's eyes when he spoke about the tiny white coffin, surrounded by pink flowers.

Next was little James who loved baseball and hockey and his bicycle. His best friend was Ally, who lived next door. Together they'd spend their summers outside, playing imaginary games, where he was the hero and she the heroine. James died when he ran out to grab a picture he'd painted for his mother, which had blown away in the wind. He stepped in front of the school bus as it pulled out. His mother had watched the whole thing.

By this time Jack wanted to leave. He didn't want to hear anymore. He couldn't listen to this. It wasn't helping – it wasn't making him deal with his loss any better. Why was he here? Why had he listened to all those people who said this would help, would make him deal with Charlie's loss? He would have gotten up and gone at that moment but he couldn't. He couldn't get up and walk in front of all those people who had shared their deepest pain with him and with each other. As much as he hated being here, he owed it to them to at least stay. He decided then that he would not return after today.

"Beth was my baby", another woman – Susan – told them. "She loved it when I'd let her wear my dresses and makeup. We'd spend hours together playing with her dolls and stuffed animals." She smiled as the tears rolled down her face. "She told me", her voice shook and she had trouble speaking. "She told me she loved me 'to infinity and beyond'. We used to play this game – saying who loved the other one more. We'd always end up by agreeing we loved each other the same – and then she'd say, just when our game ended, 'I love you the same Mommy, plus one! I miss her so much!"

The man next to her – Jack assumed it was her husband – leaned over and pulled her into a hug. They cried together as the rest of the room was silent. For the first time that evening, since all the stories had started, he could feel a tear make a slow trail down his cheek. He had played the same game with Charlie when he'd been little.

"Jack, what about you?" John's compassionate voice brought him back to the present.

Jack looked around and realized it was his turn to speak. He didn't want to – was about to say 'no thank you', but when he looked into the eyes of some of the others he realized they had felt the same when it was their turn. But each of them had had the courage to tell his or her story. He swallowed. Again, he owed it to them – to these courageous people, to at least tell something of his son.

"Charlie – was my only child. He was a great kid – cute and full of personality. I was away a lot when he was little – I was overseas with the Air Force. But every time I came home I could hardly wait to see him and Sara – my wife. Every time I got back he had grown so big and I felt like I'd missed so much – but he always greeted me by shouting 'DADDY' at the top of his lungs and throwing his arms around me and squeezing me tightly. The next few weeks he'd latch on to me and I could barely go anywhere without him. It was okay though – I loved it. We were buddies – we'd do everything together. Sara used to laugh at us – saying she couldn't tell who was the Dad and who was the kid.

He stopped speaking, thinking back to those times. It had been a long time since he'd allowed himself to remember the good times, because they were always followed by the bad. Now – he simply remembered how Charlie had looked learning to skate, or hitting the ball in T-ball. He remembered him dressing up as Buzz Lightyear for Halloween and the next year going as a Ninja turtle. He remembered the 'tickle wrestling' they used to do – and how Sara would scold him for over-exciting the boy. He hadn't realized he'd grown silent until he glanced up to see all eyes on him – most filled with tears – and all of them with understanding.

That did it. He could feel his own tears start to run so fast he couldn't stop them. He tried repeatedly to wipe them off his face but they kept coming. Someone next to him handed him a Kleenex. He soon needed another.

"He shot himself", he finally said, through the tears. He hadn't planned to say that but wanted this to end quickly. He hated that he had lost control and that he couldn't seem to stop crying. So – he told them what had happened, quickly and bluntly so they would stop looking at him with compassion and look at him the way he deserved – with disgust. "With my gun. He shot himself with my gun and he died in my arms. I – it was my fault. I killed him."

There was still silence in the room. No one had spoken since he'd begun and they still remained quiet. He was looking down – he couldn't look at them, sure to see their condemnation. He sat there wishing the next person would speak so he was no longer on view. Suddenly, without warning he felt something. It was a hand – a man's hand – and it touched his shoulder and rested there. Startled, he glanced to his right to see little James' father looking at him with understanding in his eyes.

"I know", he said. "It's so hard. I keep blaming myself too. I keep thinking that if I'd taught James better he wouldn't have run out like that. He knew he wasn't supposed to but – it was still my fault for not training him better."

Jack stared at the man – he couldn't remember his name. He wanted to move away – to remove that hand, but something wouldn't allow him to. He tried to say something – anything – to tell the guy that it wasn't his fault his son had run out like that, it was an accident. He hadn't been there – he couldn't have stopped his son. He wanted to say that he'd taught him well – hadn't he? He'd _told_ him – time and time again not to do that – not to run out into the street. No, no, that's not what it was. He'd told him not to touch – not to touch Daddy's gun _ever. _It wasn't allowed – it was dangerous – he could get seriously hurt. No – he'd _told_ him. He – God – it was his fault, it _had _to be his fault – didn't it? But he'd told him.

Jack didn't know what to do. The man's eyes continued to look at him – understanding – no _knowing_ how he was feeling. For the first time since Charlie's death he felt the burden lift slightly. This man – Robert, that was his name – Robert _knew how he felt_. Oh God, someone really did understand.

He lifted his own hand – he could see it was shaking – and touched the other man's hand briefly. "Thanks", he muttered. The word could never express quite what he was feeling – but he was truly grateful.

"Thanks for telling us about Charlie, Jack", John said, smiling gently. "He sounds like a great kid. Roger, do you want to tell us about your daughter?"

Jack barely heard what Roger and then his wife had to say about their daughter Ayiana. He heard that she'd gotten meningitis and had died quite quickly – but other than that the words just washed over him. All he kept thinking about was Robert and what he'd said – and how he'd looked at him as if he knew exactly what Jack was feeling. It gave him a sense of relief that he had never felt before. At the same time – it bothered him that he could feel relieved. He didn't deserve it – he _should _feel guilty – shouldn't he?

"I know this has been very difficult this evening", John was speaking again. He'd started the evening off by telling about the tragic and senseless death of his own son. He'd cried through it – so clearly just because he was the facilitator for the group it didn't mean he'd gotten over the loss of his own child. Still – Jack was glad he had told his story. He didn't think he could have stood someone leading the group who didn't understand the depth of pain and loss you felt at the loss of your child.

"It has been a difficult evening", he repeated, "as we've listened to each other's stories. I'm sure a lot of you have decided there's no way you are coming back next week – that this has made your pain worse, not better. If you decide not to return, we will all respect your decision. I want to assure you however, that it _does_ get better after tonight. This is always the most difficult evening and it won't be so hard as we move forward. It really does get better."

"How do you know", someone asked him.

"Because I've been where all of you are right now. I told my wife I was never going back to another evening after the first one but she made me go – and I'm thankful she did. I've also led many of these sessions over the past few years and I can promise you – that they do get easier each week."

As Jack drove home afterward, he thought back to what John had said – but wasn't sure he believed him. Maybe it did get better – for others. He didn't think it was going to change anything for him.

He let himself into his house and collapsed on the couch, too tired to even get a drink. He sat for the longest time in his dark living room, trying not to think about _anything_ and especially not about Charlie. Eventually he forced himself to get up, to go to bed. He had a mission the next day and needed a good night's sleep. As he walked towards the hallway he stopped at the picture on the wall. It was one that was always there, but he rarely stopped and really looked at it. Today he did – and eventually he reached out his hand and gently laid it on the glass.

"I love you son", he whispered. "I miss you so much."

_**I've kept this short – not wanting to delve into the plot in case some people felt they couldn't read this chapter. Thank you!**_


	20. Time

_**Previous chapter recap: For any who felt they didn't want to read the previous chapter (Understanding) it simply told of Jack's first meeting with a group of parents who had also lost children. The wonderful thing about groups like this is it allows parents to talk to others who TRULY know what they are feeling and going through. This is what I wanted for Jack – and attempted to show briefly – that others also suffer from pain and grief and guilt and that he is not alone in this.**_

_**Although one never gets over the loss of a child, it is possible to move forward and to live again with joy and purpose. Many parents have done this – but have found it incredibly helpful to have others to share and talk to about their child and their loss who can truly relate. If you have suffered a loss, and haven't spoken about it there are many groups out there to help (from pregnancy loss to the loss of a child of any age). No one should suffer alone.**_

_**This chapter is less angsty – but deals with some of the after-effects of the group.**_

"You okay Jack?" Daniel looked at him in concern. The Colonel had been quiet all morning, right from their briefing, through the gate and all the while they explored P7K 3Z5. Fortunately there wasn't much on the planet of interest – and so far nothing dangerous. Still, it wasn't like Jack to be so distracted. Daniel hoped there was nothing wrong.

"Huh?" he glanced over at the archaeologist and then noticed that his other two team members were also looking concerned. "I'm fine Daniel – just a bit tired I guess."

"Late night last night?" Daniel grinned, assuming he'd been with Sam.

"Not really. Do you have anything more you need to see? Guys?" He turned to the other two members of his team.

"No O'Neill/No Sir", the two men chorused in reply.

"Then I think it's time we headed home. I'm sure Hammond will be happy to see us on time for a change. We wouldn't want him to ground us!"

As they all headed back towards the gate both Teal'c and Daniel looked at their leader with puzzled expressions. Jack didn't seem _upset_ exactly, but there was clearly something wrong. They glanced at each other and Teal'c gave a small shrug.

"I do not know Daniel Jackson", he said. "I have not heard that anything bad has happened."

"You don't suppose it's something with Sam do you?" Daniel wanted to know.

"I do not know", Teal'c repeated patiently. "Although O'Neill does not look upset – just tired and _sad_ I believe."

Daniel nodded, thinking that was exactly how Jack looked. He wanted to ask about Sam, but the mood the Colonel was in decided it was best to remain quiet. He'd call her and ask her directly.

* * *

"What do you mean, is something wrong with Jack? Why, what's happened?" Sam sounded extremely worried on the other end of the phone and Daniel was suddenly cursing himself for upsetting her. He should know better by now not to interfere. Although he was pretty sure it was impossible to change his spots at this late date.

"I don't think it's anything serious Sam – he just seemed a little tired and – I don't know – sad maybe? I was just worried you two had gotten into a fight or something but it's probably nothing."

"No – no fight", she said distractedly, as if she was trying to figure something out. "In fact, I thought everything was going really well. Is he still on the base?" she suddenly asked. She glanced at her watch and realized it was only 3:30. They'd arrived back early from their mission.

"Yeah, I think so. He was going to go over some things with Hammond."

"Okay – can you let me know when he leaves?"

"Sure thing. And really Sam – I'm sure it's nothing. You know me, I can be an old mother hen at times."

"I know you can Daniel – but usually you're right, especially when it comes to the Colonel. Just keep an eye on him for me okay?"

"Sure thing Sam." Daniel slowly hung up the phone, wondering what in the world was up with Jack. After a few minutes he decided to go in search of the often elusive, sometimes irritating, and _always _confusing man that was Jack O'Neill.

* * *

"Hey Jack!" he ran into him in the hallway returning from what was most likely his meeting with Hammond. "I was just coming to see if you wanted to go for coffee."

"Thanks Daniel – maybe another time. I'm going to head home now. I told Hammond I was going to leave a bit early today."

"Really? You off to see Sam?"

"Sam? Uh – no – I was just heading home." All the while he was speaking Jack kept walking, not even glancing at his friend. He was forced to stop when he felt Daniel's hand grab his arm. "What is it Daniel?" he asked, confused and with a frown.

"Are you okay Jack?"

"What? I told you I'm fine. Please Daniel, I'd like to get going." He gently pulled his arm away and continued to walk. He stopped again and turned to the younger man when it became obvious he wasn't about to let Jack go with that. "Daniel?"

"Jack – something is obviously wrong. I'm worried about you and I think Sam is too." He immediately stopped and closed his eyes. Damn it Jackson, he said to himself, now you're in for it.

"Sam?" Jack looked even more confused. "Why would she be worried about me? I just saw her a couple of nights ago and everything was fine."

"Uh – I may have called her", Daniel gave a slight grin, which faded quickly at Jack's look. "I'm sorry – I wasn't trying to interfere. I guess I was just worried you guys had had a fight or something."

Jack's nostrils flared – never a good sign thought Daniel. He was _really_ in for it.

"In here Jackson", the Colonel opened a door – it looked like an empty office – and ushered his friend inside. "Now what the hell is this about? Why would you think it's okay to call Sam? Even if we _had_ had a fight, it's none of your damn business!"

"I know", he answered softly. "I'm sorry. I – didn't think. Look – we've all been worried about you since that mission and I guess I just panicked. We all want you to be happy and – you just seemed like something was really wrong today."

Jack continued to look upset but after a few moments that faded and his expression became resigned. He put his hand through his hair and sighed. "Look – I _am_ okay and it has nothing to do with Sam. Next time – please don't jump to conclusions and don't call her with stuff. Now she's going to worry and it has nothing to do with her – at least, the reason I'm – hell, just don't ever call her okay?"

"Okay Jack. I am really sorry. But you _are_ alright?"

"Yes Daniel – I'm fine. Look – I went somewhere last night and I'm just – tired and trying to deal with it. It's nothing bad, I promise." When the other man continued to look at him with those puppy dog eyes Jack sighed again. "Look, if I tell you will you _promise_ to keep it to yourself? I mean _really_. I need to know I can trust you on this Daniel."

Daniel swallowed, suddenly getting that this was something serious and that he had to give his word – and follow through. "Of course you can. It won't leave this room."

"Don't say anything to Sam or Teal'c."

"I won't say a word to a soul, I promise."

Jack nodded his head and then took a deep breath. "I went to a – group – last night."

"A group? What kind of a group?"

"A – parents' group."

"Parents? You mean to prepare for the baby?" He frowned, wondering why Sam couldn't be told that. He was pretty sure both the parents went to those things.

"No – not for the baby. This was for – parents who have lost children."

"Lost? Oh – you mean – Charlie?" he asked gently.

"Yeah. I – don't know if I'll go back. Everyone just sat around and – told their stories, that's all."

Daniel knew instantly that that _wasn't_ all. He had known all day that something had greatly affected Jack – so whatever had happened in that group must have been pretty major. "Why won't you go back?" he asked, careful to keep his voice neutral.

"I don't know if it will help. Do I really need to listen to everyone else's tragedies?"

"Was it hard?"

"Terrible", he answered shortly. "I – didn't want to stay but thought it would be rude to leave."

"Did you tell about Charlie?"

"Yeah." He looked down and was silent. He could feel that his friend was restless – probably wondering what the hell to say. He finally lifted his head and looked into the compassionate eyes of his best friend. He didn't know whether to laugh or scream. What was this? All these people looking at him like that! He was going to make a sharp comment when he suddenly remembered that hand that had reached out to him – and Robert's eyes as he shared his own pain and guilt. "Yeah – I told them about Charlie."

"I'm sorry Jack – that must have been hard. I'm also sorry I bugged you today. I didn't realize."

"It's okay. I really wasn't upset – just – thinking I guess. I didn't mean to worry you guys."

"Oh you know us. We wouldn't be happy if we weren't worrying."

"Teal'c?" Jack grinned slightly. "He _is_ such a worrier, isn't he?"

"Well, he hides it well, but he is concerned about you you know."

"I know", Jack sighed. "And I appreciate both of you guys. I don't know if I will go back next week but – can I ask you a favor Daniel?"

"Sure."

"Don't say anything and – just cut me a bit of slack, okay? I have a lot to think about right now and so I -"

"Need some space?"

"Yeah."

"No problem." He reached with his hand and placed it on Jack's shoulder and squeezed. "I'm here for you in whatever way you need me to be okay? And in the meantime, I'll run interference for you."

Jack regarded his friend, the feeling on the hand on his shoulder again reminding him of the evening before – and of the fact that there were such good people in the world. Without another word he grabbed his friend and pulled him into a hug. "Thanks!"

* * *

Jack sat in his living room, contemplating the phone. He knew he owed her a phone call, but he was worried about what he was going to say. After the group last night he'd come to realize that he _did_ need some space – from his friends and also from Sam. It wasn't that he didn't need them, or care for them, but he felt like he didn't have the emotional energy to deal with anyone or anything right now except his guilt and memories. The problem was – the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Sam.

In the end he realized he couldn't tell her over the phone. With a heavy heart he grabbed his keys and made his way over to her house. On the way he thought about what he was going to say – and that he _really_ didn't want to screw this up.

* * *

"Jack!" Her eyes trolled his face carefully, seeing instantly that Daniel had been correct. Something was very definitely 'off'. "Come in!"

He followed her into her house and sat on the chair – immediately bringing a small furrow to her brow. The last few weeks they'd always sat on the couch together. This time, however, he couldn't. He couldn't touch her, be near to her. Not now – not until he'd sorted out his own mind. This time it had little to do with his fears about being touched – and more about his fears about Charlie and his new child. He'd realized that he had to deal with his feelings about his oldest son if he was going to be a good father to the newest. What frightened him is that he didn't know if he _could_ deal with those feelings.

"What is it?" she asked gently, after he'd sat in silence for a long time. "Is it – us?"

"What? Us? No – no – at least, not directly", he told her. He wanted to curse Daniel for saying anything. Poor Sam was looking frightened. "Look – I – wasn't going to say anything, but then I realized that wouldn't be fair so I came over here. This is hard – really hard – but I need your patience and understanding."

She looked puzzled but nodded. "Of course. Just tell me what it is."

"I – don't know if I can", he admitted quietly. "At least – not completely. Sam, when you told me you needed some time to figure things out and prove that you were okay on your own, I didn't understand. I thought it was about me. I realized later that what you'd done was right – even though it hurt me at the time. Now – now I need you to understand, to know that this is about me – not about you."

She began to look even more worried and he could have kicked himself for going about this the wrong way. Still, he knew he had to do this. "What I'm trying to say is that – I need some time too. I want things to work out for us but I'm afraid that if I don't deal with some things first I'll screw up what we have. I – I need some time – just like you did."

"You – you're breaking things off?" Her voice had grown small and Jack felt sick. Right now he wanted to rush over to her and hold her, but was afraid that if he did he'd give in and not do what he knew he needed to do.

"No – I'm just asking for a bit of time – like you did."

"But – _why?_ I thought everything was getting better. You told me you were feeling better and things seemed – great. Did I do something?"

"Sam! No, of course not." He took a deep breath and leaned back, looking up at her ceiling. He'd have to tell her the truth. "I realized, as we got closer to being together – and as the baby became more of a reality – that I had stuff I'd never dealt with. Jeff brought some things up but I shot him down pretty quickly – telling him it had nothing to do with our situation. But Sam – inside I knew that all that crap I carry around – it _will_ affect our relationship and it will keep me from being the father I need to be for our child."

"Are you talking about Charlie?" Her voice had grown soft and gentle – as had her eyes.

He nodded, not sure if he could speak at that moment. He truly was blessed to have this woman – if her eyes really meant what they were saying to him.

"If you need some time – you have it Jack – as much as you need. Just remember – I'm here for you and I'll be waiting."

"Thank you", he smiled. He then realized he needed to give her more. She had a right to understand. "I started going to a group last night. It – was hard and I wasn't sure if I was going to go back, but I think I will. It made me realize that I need to do something – not to forget my son – but to start moving forward not bound by the guilt and sadness. Sam – I want to be able to remember him with joy and bring that with me as I become a father again. I don't want to spend my time feeling guilty for loving another child because I haven't been able to let go of my guilt about Charlie's death. Do you understand?"

"I – understand that you need to do this Jack – and I honor you for that. You are an amazing person and what you are doing requires incredible courage. I can't honestly say I understand how you feel because I have never experienced what you have, and I don't want to dishonor what you feel but pretending I do. I _will_ be here and I love you more than ever. Come to me when you are ready and the baby and I will be waiting."

As he drove away from Sam's house he turned the truck in the opposite direction from his house and was soon outside the city. He stopped his vehicle beside a small, open field. Even though the air was cold, he got out and walked a few yards away from the truck and looked up.

It was dark and peaceful here and he allowed himself to simply look at the constellations above him. As the peace of the evening soaked into his soul, he made himself think of his son. He started with memories of Charlie as a baby, laughing and smiling softly at the thoughts of the young child as he grew and began to explore the world around him.

He stood there for many hours, thinking, remembering, and rejoicing over the life of his son. By the time he was ready to head home he knew that he had done the right thing. He also knew that next week he'd be going back to the group. He was ready to begin to live. His heart was beginning to let go of the guilt and allowing itself to be filled with the presence of the precious child who had been with him for too short a time.

He laid his head on his pillow and was soon fast asleep. Peace was beginning to come to Jack O'Neill.


	21. Healing

**Instead of the 'M' rating I gave this story I think I should have given it an A+ (not for quality but for extreme angst)! Yes, I'm sorry – more in this chapter – but happy angst (if there is such a thing). Next chapter I'll give you all a break. Thanks!**

As he sat on his deck, enjoying the refreshing chill of the early spring evening, he thought about last week's group session. While it was true that each meeting had gotten a tiny bit easier after that first week, the last one had been particularly painful – for him at least. He'd confessed to the group that he'd almost killed himself after Charlie's death.

He couldn't believe that he'd said those words, that he'd actually spoken it out loud. He'd never admitted before, to anyone, that he'd held a gun to his head – the same gun that had killed his son – and had almost pulled the trigger. The only thing that had stopped him was knowing what it would do to Sara to find him. Instead, he'd decided to kill himself in a different way – by going on that first mission to Abydos. That way he would be honored as a hero – not that he cared - but Sara would receive the benefits and condolences due a soldier's widow.

Of course he couldn't tell the group about the Stargate or about Abydos – he simply told them that he'd planned to go on a dangerous mission and to get himself killed. The only person he'd ever spoken to openly about _that_ had been Daniel. He figured Sam probably knew, but he'd never talked to her about it.

He still couldn't believe he'd told the group, although strangely, he was grateful that he had. Saying the words out loud had released a huge burden that he'd carried around for years; one he barely knew he had since it had become so much a part of him.

He thought about the strange mixture of people that made up the parents' bereavement group and had to laugh. Many of them were people he'd probably never pick out as friends or socialize with – and yet in a few short weeks he'd come to trust them like few others he knew. When it came to sharing things about Charlie he trusted them _more_ than anyone else he knew. He realized that it was because they had shared their deepest fears and secrets with him, just as he did with them. And, it was because they didn't just understand or sympathize – they _knew. _The atmosphere in the room had slowly changed over the weeks from one of pain – to one of trust and support. There were still tears, there was still anguish – but now it was expressed in a caring and healing environment.

After he'd revealed his darkest secret – the thing he was more ashamed of than any other, except Charlie's actual death – it was as if everyone in the room suddenly felt able to share _their_ deepest secrets. Many of them also spoke about wanting to kill themselves after their child had died; some of them had actually tried. One of the mothers – Rebecca – had taken a bottle of sleeping pills prescribed by her doctor after her son had been killed but fortunately had been rushed to the hospital in time. Until that moment, only her husband had known what she had attempted. One of the fathers – Paul - had planned to jump in front of a subway train, but had changed his mind at the last second. He had never told anyone about his plan.

It was strange, he thought, as he leaned back in his chair, but each time he came away from those painful, difficult meetings, he felt as if something inside of him had been released. Each week he was letting go, just a little bit, of the pain he'd kept so deeply hidden. He'd been able to cry in front of others, and not feel shame or embarrassment. He felt accepted and not judged by people who truly, truly knew what he'd been through.

The other thing that had happened tonight – after the deep and intense conversation about suicide – was that he'd made a joke. He'd recognized that it was his way of dealing with extreme stress – his team would all have recognized this Jack, much more so than the serious, honest man he'd been in the group sessions. He'd made a slightly sarcastic comment – aimed at himself – and immediately expected to be glared at, or told it was inappropriate. Instead, everyone had laughed.

He'd felt guilty for a moment but soon realized that it was the release everyone needed. Soon all of them were trading quips and were laughing. After a few moments though, the laughter stopped and people began to look surprised, and then vaguely guilty, as if they'd committed a sin.

"It's okay to laugh", John had said softly. "That's what this group is all about. A few weeks here isn't going to stop the pain of losing your child – you'll still grieve and feel sad – but the group _is_ about discovering that even through your pain there can be joy and laughter and living. It's a step towards healing – it's not about forgetting. And what better place to share laughter than right here, with others who understand what you feel?"

He thought now about his close friends and wished he could share some of this with them. Maybe it was time. Now that he'd finally opened up to virtual strangers, maybe he could open up to his friends.

He'd talked to Sam regularly on the phone – after deciding that it would be a mistake to cut himself off completely from her. She'd been grateful and nothing but supportive, although he knew it was hard for her. He hadn't told her anything about the group and she hadn't asked. Instead they'd chatted about their friends, the Stargate and how she was doing. He wanted to be there for her – especially now, with the baby on the way – but realized he didn't have the emotional energy to deal with much more than work and the group.

He saw Daniel and Teal'c, Hammond and Janet at work but was grateful that they hadn't asked him how he was doing or bugged him when he appeared quiet or reserved. He knew he had Daniel to thank for their restraint. He knew he hadn't given them any details, but he'd obviously told them that 'Jack' needed space. Each of them had, at various times, shown their support through little things and had told him that they were 'there if you need anything'. Other than that they'd left him alone. He grinned though, when he thought of Janet. He was sure she was going mad not being able to harass him and check up on him. She felt it was her personal duty to ensure each and every one of her 'charges' was okay.

Starting to feel cold, he entered his house and made his way to his couch and sat down. This had become his usual routine in the evenings after work or after the meetings. He needed some time to simply _be_ – to not think, not grieve, not worry – just let the darkness and quiet seep into his soul and let him est.

He made it through another week - one that was relatively easy and without drama. He suspected that Hammond was giving them milk-run assignments and normally he would have protested. This time he was grateful. Although he wasn't bad enough to ask to be taken off active duty, he knew he wasn't at his best right now. He had too much to think about and to deal with.

This evening was another group session and John had asked each of them to bring a memento of their child to share with the group. He'd gone up to the box of Charlie's things – a box he hardly ever opened – and spent a long time looking at everything. He pulled a few items out of the box and held them up to his face – hoping that he'd be able to catch the scent that was Charlie. Sadly, that had gone a long time ago – the smell that reminded him of his son had faded. He lived in fear that the memories would fade as well.

He finally pulled out one object and knew that this was the one he'd take. It brought back so many wonderful memories – and one very painful one - but as he held it, he thought only of Charlie.

After the group that evening he pulled away in his truck – the object beside him. He reached out and touched it and thought back to this evening. There had been something truly – magical – about touching and seeing what everyone had brought. There had been a lot of tears – but a tremendous amount of joy in that room. He also felt like he had shared something of each of those lost children – that he had somehow been able to touch and to get to know them through the items their parents had brought. As his object had been passed around the room – as everyone had touched it and held it to their faces and their hearts, he knew that he'd shared something of his son with them. He felt like these people, these very different people whom he might never see again after the group was ended, knew Charlie and would never forget him – just as he would never forget Emily or James, Beth or Ayiana, Jason or Sierra.

He drove away from the building where the group was held and suddenly turned his truck in a different direction than usual. It was time. He knew exactly what he had to do.

"Jack?" Sam looked at him in surprise as he stood on her front step. "Is everything okay?"

"It's fine. I'm sorry it's so late. I – can I come in?" He was a little worried that she would be angry at him – or resentful that he just popped up one day after not seeing her for weeks. A part of him noticed that she was showing more now – and that she looked beautiful – but it was only a passing thought. Right now he needed to talk to her.

"Of course!" She opened the door all the way and gestured for him to enter. "Would you like a drink?"

"No – that's okay, thanks." He glanced at her as he walked by and felt relieved. She looked neither angry nor resentful – although perhaps a bit worried. He wanted, more than anything, to reach out and hold her and have her put her arms around him, but he didn't know if he had the right to ask that – not now – not after not seeing her for so long.

It was only as she led the way to her living room that he noticed she was wearing a robe. "I'm sorry Sam – it really is too late. I didn't realize the time." He wanted to turn around and leave, suddenly feeling ridiculously silly for having shown up out of the blue. Before he'd taken even a single step she'd stopped him.

"No, I'm glad you came by. I was just sitting there, listening to music and missing you", she told him honestly.

He gave her a smile and moved closer to her. She had noticed that he was holding something in his hand, but before she had the chance to see what it was he had stepped even closer.

"I really did miss you, you know?" she whispered, as she leaned towards him.

"I do", he answered seriously. "Probably almost as much as I missed you", he told her. "I'm sorry for coming by - it's just – I needed to talk to you."

She started to look a bit worried again, but nodded. "Let's sit down and you can tell me whatever it is." She started to move towards the couch, but remembering the last time turned away to sit in the chair instead.

"Uh uh", he told her, reaching out and gently taking her arm. "Four weeks is more than enough 'me' time", he told her gently. "Come." He moved towards the couch, still holding on to her and pulled her down beside him. When she didn't resist, but instead moved closer, he sighed and put his arm around her and this time, rested _his_ head on _her_ shoulder. "Thank you", he breathed.

They sat there, not moving, simply enjoying the closeness and the warmth. Sam began to relax the longer they were there, the anxiety and the fear of the last few weeks melting away. She'd been so frightened that he wouldn't come back to her, that he'd decide he couldn't and that this would be the end. Even his calls hadn't done enough to calm those fears, although she'd been grateful for them. She snuggled even closer, breathing in that masculine, unique scent that was Jack. "I missed you", she said again.

He pulled her closer, kissing her softly behind the ear. Then he moved away slightly and sat up. "I really did come here to talk, although I think I could just fall asleep right here."

"I'm that boring am I?" she teased.

"No", he answered, uncharacteristically serious. "I feel safe here – and warm." He smiled slightly and leaned forward and kissed her lightly. "And you could never be boring", he told her. "Not with that brain of yours."

She smiled back at him and then reached out and took his hand and squeezed it. "What did you want to talk to me about Jack?" She had known, from the moment he'd walked in, that it was something important, something serious. She was now sure it wasn't that he planned to break things off – but she still wondered.

It was then that he lifted up the object he'd been carrying and showed it to her. It was a child's baseball glove. She looked at it curiously for a moment and then understanding came to her. "Charlie's?" she breathed.

"Yeah. It – I had my – group tonight. We were asked to bring something of our child's to share. This glove – Charlie loved baseball – loved playing catch with me. He was good too. He played Little League and I think could have gone on. I – he wanted to play with me that week but I was too busy, too busy to play with my son. Now I'll never have the chance." He looked up at Sam. "I don't want to ever have to say that about this child", he told her, looking down at her stomach.

She reached out to him and gently touched his face. "You won't Jack. And anyway – you loved Charlie and he knew that. Just because you didn't play a game of catch with him will never change that."

"Maybe not but – I've felt so guilty. I – anytime I think of him I think – why didn't I play with him? What could be more important than my own son?"

"Nothing – nothing was more important and you knew that. Jack, I _know_ you were a wonderful Dad. I'm sure like all parents you made mistakes, but that didn't mean you didn't love him. And I _know_ you'll be a wonderful father to our child."

He nodded slightly – wanting to believe what she was saying – and actually feeling like one day he _could _believe. Saying the words, opening up about his guilt had seemed to ease it slightly, as if taking it out of the dark, hidden recesses of his mind could dispel it somehow.

"I – know it's late – but I wanted to -"

"To?"

"I wanted to tell you about him", he said quickly. "If you don't want me to, I understand. I know -"

She put her finger over his mouth. "I want you to – more than anything. May I?" she said, pointing to the glove.

He looked at it and gave a single nod and then passed it to her – slowly. It was as if by doing this one thing, he was giving himself totally to her. Never before had he trusted someone so completely with his heart and soul – not even Sara. When he'd met her he'd been young and hopeful with everything ahead of him. Now – he was a man who had suffered too much hurt, too many bad things. He'd carefully built a wall around himself, a wall to protect himself from more hurt – and to hold in all of the dark secrets he kept close. Although she might not know it, by giving her the glove he was giving her more than a memento of his son. He was giving himself.

As she gently, carefully took the glove she looked at him deeply, honestly, directly. He had to bite his lip because there, in her eyes, was a complete understanding of what this meant. She knew and she was telling him that he was safe – that his soul was safe with her.

He let out a small sound – a soft cry – and leaned forward, his head resting gently on her chest. She put her arm around him and laid her hand on his head – a benediction and an acknowledgement of what he had given to her, and what she was giving in return.

A short while later he began. "Charlie was like me in a lot of ways", he told her quietly. "It sometimes used to drive Sara crazy …"

He talked for hours, well into the early hours of the morning. By the time he was done he was more than exhausted, but it was a good feeling. He knew he had done the right thing and a sense of peace and joy began to fill him. This was the first moment, since Charlie had died in his arms, that he'd felt like this. He closed his eyes in gratitude. Going to the group had started the process – loving and being loved by Sam had completed it.

As John had said, the grief would not disappear. He'd never stop feeling sad and missing his son, but now he could truly begin to live again. He would spend the rest of his live doing what it took to honor his son's young life and he'd do everything to be the best father in the world to his new child. He would have Charlie to thank for that; Charlie, and the parents' group – and Sam.

"I don't think you should drive Jack", Sam finally said, after they'd been sitting quietly for a while. "You're tired and you need to sleep. The guest room is made up. Why don't you stay?"

He went to nod, knowing that it wouldn't be safe for him to be out on the streets, not the way he was feeling, but then had another thought. He didn't want to be alone right now. With everything going through his mind, with his newfound view of life, he needed to be with Sam. The problem was – how could he ask that of her? _Could _he ask that of her?

"Sam?"

"What?" she looked at him carefully, recognizing that he was trying to say something to her but was having a difficult time. "What is it?" she said again, gently.

"I – don't take this the wrong way", he smiled.

She was pretty sure he was going to tell her he needed to leave, to go home. She was more than startled then, when he continued.

"I'd rather stay with you, in your room", he told her quickly. "I mean – I – okay", he sat up straight and took a deep breath. She almost grinned at his look of determination. "I really would like company tonight – and thought if you didn't mind…"

"You want to sleep with me?" she asked, charmed and surprised.

"Well yes – not like _that_ though. I mean -" He grimaced slightly.

"One day you'll have to explain '_that'_ to me", she grinned. "But I know what you mean. I'd like that", she said simply. "Come on." She stood up and reached her hand down and pulled him up. Right now she knew she was the stronger one. He needed someone to lean on, and she was here for him. "I'll get you a tooth brush and I have some sweats that belong to my Dad. They'll be short but it'll be more comfortable than sleeping in your clothes."

He nodded gratefully and followed her down the hallway. He knew he was flushed, feeling slightly embarrassed but also grateful. He just prayed that he didn't try anything in his sleep – or that he didn't panic when waking up beside her. The issue of dealing with his son had put his other fears into the background, but he knew they still existed.

By the time he had changed and brushed his teeth she was already in bed. She had scooted over to the far side and had left plenty of space for him. As he approached the bed he suddenly felt supremely silly.  
"I'm – maybe this is a bad idea?" he told her, although she could hear the question in his voice.

"No it's not", she said matter of factly. She sat up and pulled the covers down on his side of the bed and patted the mattress. "Get in", she told him. "I promise I don't bite."

He could see from her expression that she immediately realized what she had said and felt mortified. Both of them remembered clearly what had happened on 'Amazonia' and he unconsciously rubbed his chest. He'd felt a bit of a twinge at her words, but her horror at her own words made him feel protective of her rather than angry or fearful.

"Well", he said (this time _his _voice was matter of fact), "I don't think that's _quite_ true. However, if you do it this time I _will _bite back." He got in bed then and pulled the covers over himself and laid his head on the pillow. There was silence in the room and he couldn't help the small grin that appeared. "Actually though, that sounds kind of - interesting!"

Not that it did really – not yet anyway – but he needed to make her feel better and a dose of humor might help. He hoped so anyway.

"Thank you", she said softly. "I still feel – terrible."

"You don't need to", he said turning on his side and propping his head up with his hand. "I really don't blame you Sam - not at all. Now, if you were to do it again, without some alien doohickey messing with your mind – I _might_ feel differently. So, just stop thinking and go to sleep."

He could feel her nod, even though it was too dark to really see much. He lay back down, still on his side, and looked at her silhouette as she too rested her head on her pillow. He knew, after about ten minutes, that she was still wide awake, her body stiff as a board. She was probably terrified that she'd do something in her sleep which would freak him out.

He wondered, for a brief second, if this had been a colossally stupid idea. He regarded her for another moment and then sighed. Lifting himself up slightly, he grabbed his pillow and moved it to the middle of the mattress. With another sigh he followed it over until he was mere inches from her. He could practically feel her panic and had to hold back another grin.

"Turn on your side", he told her gently. "Away from me if that makes you more comfortable."

It took a few seconds but she finally did as he asked. She turned to face the window and he spent a couple more seconds admiring her back. He then moved over the last remaining inches and spooned up behind her. He put his arm around her, touching her growing belly and couldn't help but feel no small amount of pride – and hope. He then relaxed and snuggled his head into her neck. He was careful though, not to get too close from the waist down. They weren't ready for anything more than cuddling at this point and he certainly didn't want to startle her with any reaction he might have – conscious or unconscious. Definitely no 'side-arm' jokes for them – not at this stage.

"Go to sleep", he whispered in her ear. When he finally felt her take a deep breath and relax he smiled and allowed himself to close his eyes. Nope – this had been a great decision – a great day. He was asleep before he'd even finished the thought.


	22. The Carters

_**Enter Jacob. Uh oh!**_

Daniel and Teal'c were both staring up at him from their table in the commissary as if he had two heads. He stopped, tray in hand, and stared back. What was wrong? He quickly looked down to make sure his fly was up and that there wasn't something hanging off of him. He hadn't eaten yet so didn't' think he'd have food in his teeth. So okay – what was wrong with him, or with them?

"Uh guys?" He lifted his eyebrows. "Is something wrong? Why are you staring at me?"

"You were whistling", Daniel told him, sounding shocked.

"Whistling? Uh – okay. Is that a problem? Has General Hammond issued an order that no one is supposed to whistle in the Commissary?"

"No O'Neill. It is simply that we are surprised."

"Really? I don't know why. I've been whistling for years – learned it as a kid in fact." He set his tray down and joined the other two men. "Okay Daniel", he finally said in disgust as the archaeologist continued to stare at him. "What the hell's the matter?"

"Jack – you were _whistling_! You sounded – happy. We were just surprised. We haven't – you haven't – it's just nice."

Jack felt supremely uncomfortable all of a sudden. He knew he'd been a bit – morose – for the last few months but didn't realize that it had been so bad that simply hearing him whistling would cause this kind of reaction. His next thought was that – hey – he _did_ feel good. He grinned at his friends.

"What can I say? I felt like whistling today. It's – a good day."

"It is?" Teal'c tilted his head and examined O'Neill carefully. He did appear different – more settled, more relaxed. "I am glad for you O'Neill. It has been difficult."

Jack agreed, acknowledging that it hadn't been difficult for just him and Sam, but for all their friends. "Uh – I wanted to ask you guys a favor", he told them. "I'm – planning something this Saturday and I'd like you to come." He'd thought long and hard about this, but knew he needed to do it. He also knew it wasn't just about him, but about letting his friends in and allowing them to take part in his journey. "I'm inviting Frasier and Hammond as well", he told them."

"Sure Jack. Uh what is it?"

"I –", he swallowed. "I want to – introduce you to my son", he said in a rush. When they looked puzzled he continued. "I would like you to come with me to the cemetery and see Charlie's grave and then – I'd like to tell you a little bit about him."

Daniel gave a soft smile – understanding where this was coming from. "Of course", he said simply.

Teal'c nodded."It would be my honor O'Neill. Thank you."

After that was done he quickly changed the subject and started teasing Daniel. By the time they were done lunch everyone in the place had noticed the laughter and light-hearted mood at their table. He didn't know it, but the word quickly got around base that the Colonel was back.

He walked towards Hammond's office, whistling again. When he realized what he was doing he grinned, thinking back to Daniel and Teal'c's expressions. He couldn't believe how good he felt today – better than he'd felt in a long, long time. But then, waking up curled around a sexy, blond Carter definitely started the day off right. He grinned wider when he remembered her expression when she woke up to see him looking at her. She'd been startled and then had turned the deepest red he'd ever witnessed. He would have been a bit worried except that her face – although red – showed a look of extreme happiness.

He'd quickly reached down and kissed her and then had turned and forced himself out of bed. "Uh – not that I _want_ to", he told her. "This is just a _very_ dangerous situation."

She'd nodded and had leaned back and smiled. His eyes narrowed and he looked at her suspiciously. She had the look of a very satisfied cat as she stretched. He almost expected her to purr!

"I'm – uh – going to go get showered and then I have to head to work." He glanced at his watch and realized he'd have to hurry if he didn't want to be late. He should be feeling tired, since he'd only gotten a few hours of sleep, but instead he felt relaxed, refreshed and just plain happy.

"You Samantha Carter had better get back to sleep. You need your rest now."

"Mmm hmm", she'd answered, curling back up under the blankets. She'd watched him until he'd left the room and then she closed her eyes, a smile on her face.

He pulled himself back to the present and glanced around quickly, hoping nobody had seen what he was sure must have been a besotted look on his face. He had to watch that or he'd destroy his reputation.

"Colonel!" Hammond looked up and grinned at his subordinate. He'd already heard the scoop that the Colonel had been in fine form today. Looking at him now he could see it was true. He was very happy for the man but also a little worried. A happy Colonel could also be a mischievous one! "What can I do for you today?"

Jack's expression grew serious and he extended his invitation to the General, who graciously accepted. He'd told everyone now – after making a quick trip to the Infirmary to speak with Janet. It had been remarkably easier than he'd thought it would be.

"Jack", the General looked at him seriously. "I wanted to run something by you and see what you thought." When the other man nodded and relaxed back into his chair George continued. "We've missed Major Carter around here – personally of course – but also because of the work she did. The Air Force has been after me to get her to re-up, but I've told them I'm not about to pressure her on that one. I was thinking, however, that we could bring her back on as a contractor but before I talk to her I wanted to get your thoughts."

Jack chewed his lip while he thought about what Hammond was asking. "Well Sir", he finally answered, "I think you should ask her. It's totally up to her of course, I'd never interfere with her career, but I think she might like that. I expect she's getting bored and I'm pretty sure she's upgraded every piece of technology she has and has probably invented a cure for the common cold while she's been off."

The General laughed. "I'm sure you're right. I did want to check with you though Jack, not just about how she'd feel, but about you as well."

"Me?" Jack looked confused. "Why me Sir?"

"Because if she _does_ come back there's bound to be talk and it could affect you."

He hadn't thought about that. Oh, he had in the beginning but then too much else had happened since then. Also, he'd had long enough to get used to the idea of her being pregnant and it had ceased to worry him. Excite him – yes – worry him – no.

"Uh – when you say _affect_ me – do you mean my career Sir?"

"No, not really. Everyone of importance knows the truth and I don't think care that much. There will be talk however. Even if people here in the SGC understand, it will get out to others and those people won't have the clearance to know what happened or why it happened. It could get ugly son."

Jack thought for a moment and then shrugged. "I don't care about me General. I've dealt with that kind of thing for years. I am worried about Sam – although it is her decision and if she's okay with it – then so am I."

"Thanks Jack. I appreciate that. I'll do what I can to stop any gossip and enlist Walter and Siler to help. They can 'get the word out' much better than I can and have people actually believe it."

Jack grinned and gave a mock salute. "Thanks Sir. I wonder if we're the first people to have a baby due to 'alien influence'."

"Oh probably. But you're sg1 so I'm not really surprised."

Jack laughed and went to push himself up. "May I be excused Sir? I have -" his words were interrupted by the claxon sounding and the announcement of an unauthorized visitor through the gate. He and Hammond looked at each other in surprise and then both stood and made their way to the Command center.

Jack got a strange look from the general and again realized agin he was whistling. So sue him, he was happy.

"Any idea who it is Walter?" Hammond asked the Sergeant.

"No Sir." He played with the controls. "Wait – IDC coming in now. It's the Tokra!"

Damn! There went his good day. He should have expected it. It really was too much to ask to have _one_ good day. He glanced at the General, who looked about as happy as he did. Yeah, none of them liked their so called allies very much.

"Shall we Sir?" Jack motioned towards the door to the Gate room. Hammond nodded and they both made their way down the stairs. They had just reached the bottom when a body came through with the usual 'shlooping' sound.

"Jacob!" Okay, Jack decided, the day had just gone from good to bad – to hell!

"Jack, George – good to see you." The only Tokra they liked, the former general and the father of the woman he'd 'knocked up', came down the ramp, a smile on his face and his hand held out. Jack quickly shook it and stepped back, wondering if he could claim a sudden emergency – in Antarctica?

"Jacob, Selmac – it's good to see you", George shook his long-time friend's hand. "What brings you to our neck of the galaxy? Nothing bad I hope?"

"Nope – not at all. I've just gotten back from an undercover operation that lasted a lot longer than I'd planned. I told the Council I needed some time off and decided to come and visit Sam and then go see Mark. How is Sammy?" he asked Hammond directly.

Jack was sure his groan was loud enough to be heard, but neither of the two men looked over at him. He moved his feet to try thinking that he could slowly get out of the room before George said anything. He wanted to live at least a few more hours.

"She's fine Jacob – just fine." Hammond looked a little white – or was that red – around the gills as well. Great! Even _he_ was afraid of Jacob.

"Is she on a – no", he laughed, looking at O'Neill. "Since you're here I assume she's not on a mission right now?"

"No – no mission", Jack answered, his voice sounding as if someone was strangling him.

"Okay – she in her lab then?" Jacob looked back and forth between Hammond and O'Neill, suddenly catching the strange vibes in the room. He began to frown.

"Uh no – not in her lab." Jack briefly closed his eyes. Yeah, you're definitely an idiot O'Neill!

"So, where is she", Jacob asked impatiently. "What's going on?"

"Nothing Jacob", Hammond said soothingly. "She's at home today. Nothing bad, I promise", he held up his hand as if to placate the older man.

Yeah right George, thought Jack. _You_ don't think it's bad. I doubt Jacob is going to agree with that. God, I am _so_ screwed!

"Jack, why don't you go arrange for a car for Jacob while I accompany him to the Infirmary to get him checked out."

He knew the general was giving him the opportunity to call Sam and let her know. He felt like he should have a secret code or something. "Sam, it's Jack – _**'we're up shit-creek without a paddle'**_. That would instantly let her know to flee, that her father was here. "I'll do that Sir. Nice to see you Jacob."

"Same here Jack." The Tokra watched as Jack left, a confused frown furrowing his brow. "What was that George? Jack looked – strange. Has something happened?"

"Oh you know O'Neill, Jacob. Strange things are always happening to sg1. Jack is fine though – I'm sure you'll have a chance to talk to him later." Or _kill_ him, thought the general. Poor Jack. He didn't envy him.

He waited impatiently while the phone rang. _Please_ don't be out.

"Hello."

"Sam? Hi, it's me."

"Jack hi. Is everything okay? You sound worried."

"I am Sam. Your Dad just showed up. He's getting checked out in the Infirmary and then he's going over to your house."

"Crap!" The one word said it all. "Did anyone say anything?"

"No, although I think he suspects something is wrong, he just doesn't know what."

"Do you think Janet -"

"No, no, I'm sure she won't say anything. George went with him anyway and I'm sure he'll make it plain to her that Jacob doesn't know."

"What are we going to do?" she asked, sounding almost as worried as him.

"You're asking _me_? He's your father."

"I know but – will you come?"

He didn't want to. In fact, it was the last thing in the world he wanted. He wished, at this moment, that he was a sniveling coward who could flee to another continent, but he knew he wasn't and that he couldn't. "Of course", he answered calmly. "Did you want me to say anything to him?" Please no, please no, he repeated to himself.

"No, I think I'd better be the one. I'm sorry Jack – you don't need this – but I do need you!"

He began to feel calm, his protective instincts kicking in. "It'll be okay Sam. It may take him a while, but he loves you. Look, I'd better go if I'm going to come with Jacob. I'll see you in a while."

He hung up the phone and stared at the wall, seriously wondering if he should bring a zat, just in case. With a sigh he decided it probably wasn't a good idea and picked up the phone to call for a car.

"Okay Jack, something's going on", Jacob cut right to the chase as soon as the car left the compound. "Everyone has been acting very strange. I was sure Janet practically swallowed her tongue when she saw me. What the hell is it? Is Sam really okay?"

Jack could hear the worry in the other man's voice and felt badly. They'd done a lousy job of dissembling. He sighed and turned to the older man. "Look Jacob, Sam really is fine – you'll see her in just a minute. But things have changed a bit since you were here last. I'm afraid that she'll have to tell you, not me."

"Was she injured? God – what happened?"

"Look, she _is_ totally healthy. She was not injured but – okay listen, a few months ago she went on a mission to a planet – I can't remember what the hell it was called. Anyway, Daniel discovered that there had been a tribe or society or something of _Amazons_. We -" He stopped talking when he saw a strange expression appear on the other man's face. It was when Jacob's eyes closed, and then opened with a flash, that Jack realized it was Selmac who had caused the expression to appear.

"Selmak? Hi."

"O'Neill, it is good to see you. Tell me – this planet – was there a large object there – a metal object with writing on it?"

"Yes", Jack looked at him searchingly. "We called it an obelisk."

"And was it active?"

"Oh yeah – it was active", he answered bitterly.

He could tell that Selmak and Jacob were having some kind of silent argument. He just hoped that Selmak didn't give too much away.

"And did Samantha touch it – the obelisk?"

"Yeah, she touched it."

"Was someone else – a man – with her?"

"Mmm hmm." He knew then that Selmac was very aware of what the obelisk was for. He wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not.

"Is the man – alright?"

"Yeah – he's – okay", he answered. Selmac looked at him seriously for a moment and gave a small nod. The next thing Jack knew he was speaking to Jacob.

"What the hell was that?" The former general was pissed. "Selmac won't tell me what's going on either. What is this 'obelisk' you're talking about and what did it do to her?"

Jack glanced at the driver, wondering what the poor Airman thought of this whole thing. He reached over and pressed the button so that the glass partition would close. He was grateful that the general had sent this car. None of them needed this to get out.

He turned to his companion and took a deep breath, knowing he'd better tell him something. "I told you – we went to this planet that had been the home of Amazons."

"Amazons – you mean the mythical women warriors."

"Yes – but not so mythical I'm afraid. Daniel thinks they were real and were taken from Earth from some Goa'uld years ago. Anyway, they're not there now – they look like they've died out – thank God", he muttered quietly.

"So what does this have to do with Sam?" Jacob demanded. Jack could tell he was getting even more impatient.

"Just listen Jacob – I'm getting to that. When we were on the planet Sam found out that something was giving off EM waves and so went to investigate. She found the obelisk that Selmak was talking about – and she touched it."

Jacob swallowed, looking frightened. "What happened to her?" he asked softly.

Jack felt terrible – he could hear the fear in the other man's voice. "She was not hurt Jacob, but it did – do something to her. It was just temporary", he quickly added at the other man's look of panic. "She's totally fine now."

"But what did it do to her."

"It – turned her into an Amazon – for a little while."

"What does that _mean_?"

"According to Daniel, the obelisk was meant to help the Amazons – mate – with some of the men who lived on the planet. They needed to mate in order to procreate and keep their society going. The obelisk allowed them to overpower a man and to – mate – with him."

"Overpower him? How?"

"It somehow affected the brainwaves of both the woman and the man and allowed her to control him – and for him to be controlled."

"Controlled how?" Jacob asked softly, his eyes narrowed.

Crap – _why_ had he thought this was a good idea? "Look, we're almost to Sam's. I think I'd better let her tell you the rest." He held up his hand when Jacob went to speak. "Please. You'll hear it from her. Just – don't get upset okay? Selmak – I suggest -"

The eyes flashed and Selmak immediately answered. "Do not worry O'Neill. I will keep him under control."

"Thanks", he smiled at the Tokra but stopped as soon as Jacob – who was looking angry – reappeared.

The car stopped and the two men got out. Jack opened the front door and spoke to the driver. "Just wait here for a few minutes. I may need a ride back." In fact, he might need a fast get-away car if Jacob's face was anything to go by.

The two of them walked to the front door and Jack reached out and rang the bell. Jacob looked at him in surprise and went to open it on his own but before he had a chance the door swung open – to a pale but determined looking Carter.

Jack wanted to grin. She _did_ look like an Amazon standing there, ready to do battle. He wondered if Jacob saw that in his daughter or if he only saw the little girl he'd raised.

"Sam!" It was the voice of a father relieved to see his child looking safe and unhurt. He took a quick step forward, his arms outstretched – and then stopped. His arms slowly dropped to his side and he stared. "What the hell?"

Fan + crap = a big mess. Jack glanced at Sam, to see her looking at him and clearly crying out for help. He breathed and stepped forward.

"Come on in Jacob and we'll explain everything."

"Dad." Sam stepped back and allowed the two men to enter. Her farther marched – actually marched – right past her into the living room. Jack reached out and gave her hand a quick squeeze and then let it go. No need to antagonize the man further. He gave her the look he had so many times in the past – telling her she could do this, she _could_ save the world. This time he was telling her she _could_ convince her father that everything was okay.

She smiled and nodded and then turned to follow her father. Jack looked up briefly to the heavens – for the first time ever wondering if she could, in fact, pull another miracle out of her hat.

Jacob was standing by the fireplace, his hands clasped behind his back. He looked like the perfect, hard-assed officer. Jack could feel himself begin to get slightly pissed, but he held onto his temper. Getting angry would do no one any good. He just prayed Selmak would help.

"So – tell me what the hell happened", Jacob barked.

"I told your father about the planet and the obelisk", he said. "And about what it does. I didn't tell him anything else."

"No, he didn't but I expect you to tell me!"

"And I will", she answered calmly. "If you sit down and behave in a civilized manner. I am neither a raw recruit that you can bully nor am I twelve years old. Sit _down_", she repeated sharply.

Jack almost laughed when he saw Jacob obey. Way to go Sam!

"So you know about the obelisk? As Jack probably told you, it changes the brain chemistry and causes the woman to behave in a violent and sexually aggressive manner."

She was speaking clearly and clinically but it was obvious that Jacob was about to choke on his tongue. Jack could sympathize. The last thing you wanted to hear was about your daughter – or son for that matter – acting in a 'sexually aggressive manner'.

"It also causes a man who touches it to become immediately passive and submissive."

"Why?" Jacob asked bluntly.

Sam sighed and tucked her hair behind an ear. Jack knew it was a sign of nervousness and expected her father did as well. "To enable the woman to r -" she glanced at Jack and nodded. "To force the man to have sex with her in order for her to become pregnant." There, her eyes seemed to say – you wanted the truth, now you have the truth.

"Oh my God – you mean you're pregnant because -?"

"Yes." The answer was simple and direct, but O'Neill knew how painful it must have been for her to admit that to her father.

"And – the man?"

"Uh – that would be me Jacob", he answered softly, without blame or anger. "I was with her at the time and both of us touched the obelisk. We didn't think it was dangerous and had no way of knowing what would happen. The next thing either of us knew we'd -" he gestured towards Sam's belly.

The silence could be cut with a knife. Jacob had no expression on his face and Sam was looking worried but resolute.

"So – you got your wish eh Jack? Got to bed my daughter and claim it was alien influence!"

"_**Dad**_**!**You apologize for that. You know damn well the Colonel didn't do that – would _never_ do that. How could you?"

"If I'm wrong I'm sorry Sam", he said, sounding obstinate. "But it's been obvious for a long time that Jack's had his eye on you."

"_Dad!_"

"You're wrong Jacob", Jack said directly. "I would never have done anything to hurt your daughter or our respective careers. It happened like we told you. And Sam is right – you do owe me an apology."

Jacob clenched his teeth and fumed but he finally took a sharp breath. "Fine. I'm sorry if I doubted you. But you can't tell me that you didn't get _some_ satisfaction about being able to contravene the regulations like that."

"That's enough Dad. Don't you get it? I _raped_ him. No Jack", she held up her hand to stop him. "It's the truth and you know it. Okay – so it wasn't my fault – that doesn't mean that you weren't hurt by what happened." She looked again at her father. "And he was Dad – very hurt. I hurt him physically -"

"Not seriously", Jack spoke quickly.

"Seriously enough! _And_ I hurt him emotionally. God Dad – he was traumatized by the whole thing – he still is."

Jack was feeling and looking a bit uncomfortable. It was one thing to admit this to his therapist but another to drag it out in front of another man, and a former general at that. "Uh Sam, it's okay. I'm really not -"

"Stop it Jack! You don't need to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. You did nothing wrong and I need my father to understand that this wasn't some 'role in the hay' for fun. This was a serious, awful, _painful_ incident that has caused all sorts of trauma and regret. It was not fun for either of us."

"Okay, okay - I get it", Jacob answered, looking irritated. "But really, how do you expect me to react. I mean, it's not like you hear of someone like Jack, a black-ops trained soldier, being assaulted by a woman every day. I just don't think it's that big a deal."

The next thing Jack knew Sam had stood up, walked over to her father and slapped him across the face. He was surprised, more than surprised. He knew Sam didn't believe in any kind of violence at this level and knew she must have reached her limit. He glanced at Jacob to see a corresponding expression of shock on his face.

"_**How dare you!**_**"** she practically yelled. "What is wrong with you? You're not some Neanderthal soldier who thinks rape is 'no big deal'. How could you do this, say this? I told you – I HURT HIM. Both of us have had to deal with this and it's been more than hard. It practically destroyed us and you sit there and laugh it off like it was nothing. I think you should leave!"

"Sam", Jack spoke gently. "I'm sure your father -"

"No. He knows better and he's just being an ass. I will not put up with it."

It was Selmac who spoke next. Jack had to laugh at himself for being relieved to hear from a Tokra. Right now he – it? – was the sanest one in the room.

"Jacob is hurt Samantha and has said some foolish things but he does love you and he is sorry – even if he will resist saying it."

"Well he damn well _better_ say it if he expects to have a relationship with me or with his grandchild."

No one spoke after that for a long time. Jack wanted to say or do something to make things better but decided it really was between Sam and her father. He was disappointed in Jacob but was probably a bit more understanding. The man wasn't _his_ father after all – thank God!

"I'm sorry O'Neill." The words suddenly came out of the blue and Jack looked over in surprise. He had expected it to take longer. "I didn't mean to belittle what you'd been through. I'm sure it must have been – must be – hard."

"Thank you Jacob." He left it at that, determined to stay out of this as much as possible.

"So", the older man continued. "Where, does that leave you both now? Are you in trouble with the Air Force?"

"No – they know it wasn't our fault", Jack said. He didn't think Sam was ready to speak. "They sent someone back to test the obelisk and discovered what it did."

"Someone _else_ had that happen to them?" Jacob looked shocked.

"It was under controlled circumstances. No one was hurt." Jack continued to glance at Sam but she refused to look up. He was worried about her.

"So – Sam – what – why weren't you at work today if the Air Force isn't punishing you?"

"I quit", she said baldly, still not looking at anyone.

O'Neill could see Jacob begin to steam and gave him the glare of death. Jacob, if you so much as open your mouth I will _kill_ you – he tried to convey to the other man. Fortunately, Jacob seemed to get it and stayed silent.

"I needed some time and space and so did Jack. It seemed like the best idea at the time."

"The Air Force wants her back", Jack threw in. Sam looked at him in shock and he gave her a small nod. "They wanted Hammond to speak with you but he didn't want to pressure you. He asked me what he should do – just today – and I told him it was your decision. I'll support you in whatever you want to do. He also suggested you could work as a contractor if you'd like."

The look she gave him promised good things for him in the future. He'd done well, she seemed to say. "Thank you", she smiled at him. The smile faded as she turned to her father. "I don't know what I'm going to do but it's my decision – mine and Jack's", she said. "I may decide to go back or I may choose to do some contract work. I don't know yet."

Jacob nodded, clearly biting his tongue. "And the baby?" he asked, very carefully.

"I'm happy and so is Jack. He's very much part of this baby's life and will remain so. I also hope that he will be very much part of my life, but that's between us."

"I – see", her father responded. "So you've been able to get over – or at least to deal", he added quickly on seeing Sam's expression, "with the uh – trauma – from what happened?"

"We are dealing with it", Jack answered, "together. But like Sam said, that's between the two of us. But I do want you to know that whatever happens I will always be there for her and for our child. I love your daughter and I will do all in my power to keep her safe and happy. I understand that this has been a shock -"

"Do you?" the older man asked.

"I do", he answered. "I have been a father too Jacob. I understand what it is to want what's best for your child and be willing to do anything to make sure he or she is safe. But I also know that Sam is a mature, smart and very wise woman and it's best not to mess with her."

He could hear the soft gurgle from the woman to his right and looked over and gave a small grin. "I don't know about the two of you", he said at that point, "but I'm rather hungry. I think it would be good for us to eat and maybe leave this for a while so we can all gain some perspective. I know you love Sam Jacob, and she loves you. I don't want you to lose each other by saying something you'll regret."

The two in question were both stubborn but eventually they agreed. "Okay", Jacob finally said. "As long as we order something really spicy. Tokra food is so bloody bland!"

"Alright – Mexican Sam?"

"Yeah – not too spicy for me. O'Neill junior might object."

"Hey – no child of mine is going to refuse spicy food!"

The conversation was strained but at least the food was good. Jack knew it had been a good idea when he saw Jacob sit back and sigh contentedly. Maybe now they could have a civilized conversation.

"Uh Jacob", Jack considered the former general. "Does Selmak _like_ Mexican food?"

"No – hates it", Jacob answered, his mouth full of taco. "But I have to eat Ran'chik, which is disgusting so she can eat pizza."

"I see", Jack thought again how glad he was he didn't have a little passenger in his brain. The one time, with Hathor's goa'uld, had been more than enough for him.

"So – you and Jack", Jacob sat back and considered the two of them. Either he'd had time to think things over carefully, or Selmak had whipped his butt, because suddenly he looked like he was ready to be reasonable.

"Yes Dad, Jack and me."

"Mmm", her father answered. "It doesn't mean you can call me 'Dad'", he said suddenly to the man in question.

"Uh, I already do Jacob."

"Oh yeah, that's right. Okay then – just don't think I'm gonna leave anything for you in my will."

"Well, since you don't _have_ anything and since you'll probably outlive me, I'm not too worried."

"Hmmm. You know Selmac will kick your butt if you hurt her?"

"With all due respect to Selmac – she's a snake and doesn't have any legs or feet with which to kick me. _You_ on the other hand probably could, but then your daughter would kick yours. And Jacob, if I were you, I'd be very, very afraid of her."

Jacob gave a crack of laughter at that and made a toasting motion with his glass. "Oh, I am. She's like her mother; sweat, kind, smart but don't _ever_ hurt someone she loves or your life will be hell."

Sam rolled her eyes at the two men but didn't respond. She was just grateful that her Dad seemed be coming around. She knew her Dad liked Jack, but didn't know if he would still like him if he was with her.

"Yeah, I got that. That's the reason I didn't kick _your_ butt tonight Jacob."

"Really? I thought it was because you knew I'd beat you to a pulp."

"Nope – and you couldn't. No, I was actually thinking of Sam. I wouldn't want her to see the man she loves beat the crap out of her father for being an insensitive – what was the word – Neanderthal?"

"Beat the crap out of me? Ha! I bet Selmak could beat you with one hand tied behind her back!"

"She doesn't _have_ a hand Jacob, just like she doesn't have a foot. I really think you need to spend some more time with Selmac and figure out what exactly she is. And anyway, Selmac likes me. She wouldn't hurt me."

Jacob went to argue but stopped and was silent for a moment. He then looked peeved and didn't say anything

"She does, doesn't she?" he laughed. "Or did she just tell you to shut up?".

"She told me to ignore you. Did I tell you she's very smart?"

"Really? It must be hard for her then."

"What's hard for her?" Jacob looked at him suspiciously.

"Listening to family squabbles. She must get bored."

"Not as bored as my Sam gets with y -"

"Jacob", he interrupted. "I've liked and respected you for a lot of years. It is for that reason that I'm telling you now to quit while you're ahead otherwise I can't promise you what will happen. All I do know, is it will be messy, very messy."

"He's right Dad", he daughter finally spoke. "I suggest you head to bed – the guest room is made up. We'll talk again tomorrow when you're ready to be reasonable and when Jack isn't here. I am going to bed", she announced. "I'm afraid I can't take anymore of this male pissing contest." She walked over to Jack and gave him a quick kiss. "Goodnight, and don't kill my father, no matter what he does. I do love him even when he's being an ass."

"Good night Sam", he leaned down and gave her another kiss. "And don't worry. I won't kill him. Have a good sleep."

After she'd gone – with a word to her father rather than a hug – Jack and Jacob sat and looked at each other. It was Jacob who finally broke the silence. "You're sure you know what you're getting into?" he asked the Colonel.

Jack looked surprised but then nodded. "Yes. We've worked together for a lot of years, I love her Jacob."

"I know you do Jack. I guess – welcome to the family then." He stood up and turned towards the hallway. "Well, goodnight. Have a good sleep."

The next thing Jack knew he was all alone in Sam's living room. He looked around, not quite sure what had just happened. Oh well – he might as well get used to it. He planned to be part of the Carter family from now on. He was going to make damn sure, however, that he never got on Sam's bad side! Whew!

He turned towards the front door to head home and suddenly remembered the poor driver who'd been sitting there all this time. He hurried outside, ready to get into the car. Instead, at the last moment, he opened the door. "Sorry for making you wait. You can head back now and then go off duty."

As the Airman gave a salute and headed out, Jack headed back inside. "Might as well get hanged for a sheep as for a lamb", he decided as he made his way down the hallway. He opened Sam's door quietly and snuck in.

"I was wondering what was taking you so long", she murmured sleepily. She moved aside the covers and, soon as he was dressed in Jacob's sweats he climbed in next to her.

She immediately rolled over and snuggled up against him. "Thanks", she murmured, already half asleep. "See you in the morning."

"Goodnight Sam", he grinned softly and gave her a kiss, even though she was already asleep.

Yup – life with the Carters would never be dull.


	23. Finding the Cream

_**Just short one tonight folks - and believe it or not - no Angst!**_

Jack woke up and stretched but stopped when his foot touched – Sam – his foot touched Sam. He grinned and rolled over on his side in order to look at her. She was certainly cute when she slept, he thought to himself as he watched her. It isn't that he hadn't seen her sleep before. They'd been on too many missions together to _not_ have but there was something very different about seeing her in her own bed, warm and relaxed. Of course the fact that he was in that same bed, right beside her and _not_ on a mission made it all that much sweeter.

He stayed still for a while, just looking at her, but finally grew restless. It was still early but he decided to make his way to the kitchen and grab a drink. After that he had to make his way home to clean up and head to work. He looked down at the pair of sweats he was wearing and grimaced. They were Jacob's and probably looked ridiculous on him since they were way too short, both in the arms and the legs.

He padded his way to the kitchen on bare feet, being careful to not make a sound and wake up either Carter. He arrived at the kitchen to find Jacob already sitting up at the counter and drinking a cup of coffee.

"Jack", the other man said, taking a sip of his drink.

"Jacob", he answered, making his way to the coffee pot to pour himself some of the already prepared brew. He took a sip and then slowly walked to the counter and pulled out a stool and sat down. He leaned on his elbows and sat quietly by Jacob, neither man speaking.

"Nice morning", Sam's father finally said.

"Yeah. Quiet"

Jacob nodded, but continued to stare straight ahead. He took another sip of coffee.

"Couldn't sleep?" Jack finally asked the older man.

"No. Still on Tokra time I guess."

Jack nodded, lifting the mug to his mouth.

"You?" Jacob said after a few more moments of silence.

"No", he shook his head.

"Was Sam snoring?"

He kept staring ahead although one eyebrow lifted. "Not that I noticed", he finally answered.

"Mmm, that's good. Her Mother used to snore. Drove me crazy."

After a few more moments filled with silence, Jack sighed and took a final sip of coffee. With that he stood, put his cup in the sink, and turned back towards the hallway and bedroom.

"Have to get to work", he said.

Jacob nodded, still sipping slowly at his coffee. "Yeah. Air Force time."

Jack was almost out of the kitchen when Jacob spoke again. "Jack, you'll look after her?"

He paused and then turned to face the former General, Tokra and galactic freedom fighter. When he spoke however it was to Sam's father. "Always Jacob."

Jacob nodded, holding on to his cup with both hands and still not looking at the Colonel. With a small knowing smile, Jack turned and headed to Sam's bedroom.

"I have to get going", he whispered close to her ear after he'd changed into his own clothes. "I'll call."

"Mmm?" She opened her eyes and looked at him sleepily. "Okay", she answered, only half awake. "Dad?"

"He's up. Everything's fine so just go back to sleep."

"Mmm hmm. Love you."

He leaned down and kissed her. "Me too."

When Sam woke up the next time it took her a few seconds to remember that Jack had been here but that he'd left. She stretched her arm out and grabbed his pillow and pulled it to her, hoping to get a scent of the man she loved. After cuddling the pillow for a while she stretched and sat up. She knew it was time to face her father, but she really wasn't looking forward to it.

By the time she'd washed up and put on a robe she realized it was almost 9:00 am, much later than she usually got up. She knew it was a combination of the pregnancy and the stress of her father showing up out of the blue that had tired her out.

"Well, here goes nothing", she murmured to herself. She frowned slightly when she got to the living room and there was no sign of Jacob. His bedroom door had been open when she'd walked by and he wasn't there either. It was only when she checked out the back door that she discovered him, standing on the deck.

"Morning", he turned to her and gave a small smile. "I was about to go and wake you up. You've turned into a sleepyhead."

She gave a mock grimace and then laughed. "It's not usual, I assure you. I couldn't believe it when I saw what time it was when I woke up."

"Jack keep you up?" he asked casually.

She could feel the hairs rise on the back of her neck but forced herself to stay calm. There was no point in fighting with her father, not about this. "No. Actually I just sleep better when he's here", she told him bluntly.

"Yeah", he answered, turning forward to lean on the railing and look out over the back yard. "I was the same with your Mom. She always made me feel safe when I was with her."

She looked at her father in surprise. She'd never heard him say anything like that before and would never have expected it from the often stern, always tough soldier. She knew he had loved her mother, but he rarely spoke about their relationship together. Even more surprising was his seeming acceptance of Jack sleeping with her.

"I didn't kill him", he told her a couple of seconds later. "We had coffee together this morning and we were both very civilized."

"Really?"

"Really." he smiled. "It may take me a while to get used to all this, but I do like him you know."

"I know. I just didn't know if you'd like him as-"

" – as the man who is in love with my daughter and got her pregnant?"

"Yeah – that."

He laughed softly. "I'm a father Sam. Don't blame me for being a bit – taken aback – when I arrived yesterday. I know you're a smart, capable person – but to me you're still my little girl and always will be. Logically I know he'd never hurt you but my reaction wasn't about logic. Forgive me?"

She regarded her father seriously for a few moments, her lips pursed, and a frown between her eyes. "You'll be nice to him?"

He sighed. "I'll try – okay, okay", he laughed. "Of course I'll be nice to him – although I do reserve the right to tease him unmercifully, especially if he's going to be my son-in-law."

"_Dad_! We haven't gotten that far yet!"

He rolled his eyes, although he made sure she didn't see. He valued his life too much. "I know Sam, but I also know he loves you and you love him. Besides that you've created a child together. Jack O'Neill is a man to whom family is everything. He's not going to walk away from you."

"Dad?" she said softly.

He turned to look at her, only to see her eyes full of tears. The next thing he knew his Sammy, his little girl, was hugging him fiercely.

"I love you", she murmured into his shoulder.

"And I love you Sam. I _am_ happy for you."

"Thank you. That means – more than you know." She cried for a little while and then finally lifted her head and sniffed. "I need a Kleenex."

"Let's go inside. I haven't had breakfast and I'm hungry." He kept his arm around her as they walked into the house together. "So, does Jack stay over very often?"

She stopped and regarded him suspiciously but eventually answered. "No. Last night was only the second time. I think he was worried about me."

He nodded and moved ahead towards the kitchen. "Well I suggest you tell him to bring some of his own clothes. He looked pretty silly in mine."

That evening they all got together at Jack's place for pizza and beer (or soda in Sam's case). Even George came over and they spent the evening laughing and telling stories.

Sam looked around at her friends and family and felt a warm glow spread through her body. Together they'd managed to make something wonderful out of something terrible. She looked over at the Colonel and watched as he teased Daniel. She couldn't help the soft smile that appeared as she saw the joy and laughter on his face. He'd never looked so happy, so relaxed and she knew some of that – much of that – was because of her. She was the luckiest woman on Earth. She laughed slightly.

"What is it?" Janet had come up beside her and was grinning at her. "You look like the proverbial cat that's found the cream!"

"I think I am", she responded. She nodded towards Jack. "Don't you agree he's pretty – creamy?"

"Oooh", Janet wrinkled her nose at the bad pun. "Well, he is cute, but you're going to have your hands full with him you know."

"Yes – and I wouldn't wish for anything different. You know me – I hate to be bored."

"I don't think _that's_ going to be an issue with Jack O'Neill!"

Just then Jack looked up and caught Sam's eyes and grinned. It was a look she'd only seen on his face once or twice before. "I – have to go Janet", she told her friend without looking at her, and made her way over to his side. He reached out his arm and pulled her to his side as he continued to talk with Daniel.

Janet stood silently, a smile on her face.

"It took long enough", the General said at her side. "But I'm glad that things finally seem to be working out for the two of them."

"Me too Sir. They deserve it."

Both Janet and Hammond stood there silently, contemplating their friends and colleagues. Yes, it had been a long time coming, but the joy on their faces was obvious. Sometimes things did work out in this crazy, mixed up universe.


	24. A Little Whumpage

_**Sorry - so much angst in this story that I 'had' to add a little whump to even things out. It wouldn't really be me without it! Enjoy.**_

She was curled up on her side, Jack spooned up behind her with his hand on her belly. He loved to place it there and feel the baby kick. Somehow baby Carter-O'Neill seemed to know his/her father and would always move around when he touched her.

She was almost seven months now and was starting to slow down a bit. The pregnancy had been good with only a little morning sickness at the beginning. By the time she'd returned from San Diego that had gone and she'd enjoyed the last few months as both the baby and her relationship with Jack had grown.

He stayed over quite often now, although they still hadn't progressed past cuddling and the occasional rather chaste kisses. She knew she couldn't press him, that it would have to be in his time and on his terms that they changed things, but she admitted to herself that she was getting a bit impatient. Oh, it wasn't that she wasn't nervous, because she was – very. It was just that she was also horny – very! In fact, she'd never felt quite so amorous before and figured it must be the pregnancy hormones that were causing her super-charged libido. Whatever it was, it was becoming very distracting.

Jack had his nose tucked in the crook of her neck and she could feel his warm breath tickling her. Even that was causing her to feel rather excited. He was tracing patterns on her tummy which finally seemed to calm the baby down as it had stopped moving.

She sighed, partly in pleasure, partly in frustration. She loved being so close to him, but it was getting harder all the time to not move to the next step.

"Could I ask you a favor?" The vibration from his mouth causing shivers to run down her spine.

"Of course", she answered. "What is it?"

"Tomorrow night's the last night of the group. John said we could bring a guest if we wanted. It's a bit of a celebration and I'd like you to come."

"A celebration?" She wiggled around until she was facing him. "What kind of a celebration?" She was curious, since somehow that didn't seem to belong in a group of parents who had tragically lost their children.

He shrugged, and then seemed to realize that wasn't an answer. "I guess – to celebrate getting through the group and – maybe – starting to live?" He said it so softly she almost missed what he'd said. When she realized she felt tears comes to her eyes and she snuggled up more closely and put her arm around him.

"I'd be honored."

"Good. We're meeting for a while and then we're going out for a drink afterward. I think it will be fun."

She doubted that and found herself feeling nervous. What do you _say_ to people at a time like that? Well, for Jack's sake she'd go, even if it was uncomfortable.

In the end it hadn't been. She'd been a bit nervous when she walked in but in a very few short minutes she felt comfortable. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits, laughing and talking. What really amazed her was to watch Jack interact with these people. In the ten weeks he'd been coming they seemed to have gotten to know more about him then people who had known and worked with him for years. They teased him and laughed with him and spoke to him with respect and he did the same with them.

There was an honesty in this room that she rarely saw – and a Jack who was open and unguarded. It gave her a strange feeling. As well as she knew him, she discovered at that moment that there was still a lot of Jack to uncover and what she glimpsed this evening made her love him all the more. He was a man who had been hurt and wore a thick shield to protect himself. The shield was made up of humor, and sarcasm and impatience and duty and honor. But underneath those things – which were real – was a solid core of caring and compassion.

She'd known that, of course, but now she saw it in its full, open and honest light. _This_ was the Jack O'Neill who was true. This is the man they would all have seen if so much hadn't happened to him that wounded and hardened him. _This_ was the man she loved and who she was excited to get to know even more and even better.

The first part of the meeting was each of them speaking about what the last few weeks had meant and where they planned to go from here. When it came to Jack's turn Sam looked at him, curious to hear what he was going to say.

"For years I avoided something like this", he started out softly. "I was tough. I didn't need it. I was just fine on my own. At least, that's what I told myself and everyone else. I'm pretty sure that deep down I knew that wasn't true, but I'd never take the time to allow that to come out. And then something changed", he said simply. "I met this young officer and suddenly life was different", he said simply. "She was beautiful and smart and cocky and kept me on my toes for a lot of years. I slowly began to – care – for her, but because of Air Force regulations I couldn't let her know and couldn't even really admit it to myself. Then, something happened which made it possible for us to be together." He glanced up at Sam and gave her a small smile. He also gave her a look which seemed to ask if this was okay.

She nodded and returned his smile, as interested in what he had to say as the others in the room. More so, probably.

"And then I found out that she was going to have my child." He stopped and frowned slightly, looking around the room. "I know you all understand how – difficult – that was. It brought up all sorts of issues of fear and guilt. I didn't know if I could do it. Being a father again terrified me and then I felt like I was letting Charlie down. I kept thinking that I was somehow deserting him, letting him go by loving another child." He stopped talking for a few seconds as if thinking of how to proceed. With a breath, and a lick of his lips, he gave a small smile and resumed talking.

"The last ten weeks – meeting all of you" he then turned to John, "and with your leadership, I realized something. By letting some of the guilt go, by coming to terms with what had happened, and by allowing love in, I wasn't deserting Charlie, I was allowing myself to love him even more. I can think of him now and remember the good times. Hearing your stories and meeting your children allowed me to – bring Charlie out from the darkness and into the light. And you know what else?" he smiled more broadly. "I'm pretty sure he has some good friends up there. I have this feeling that all of our kids are there looking down and saying it's about time we figured this out."

He looked at each person in the room, one by one, and finished with a simple. "Thank you."

There were no dry eyes left in the room, including hers. She wanted to run over and give Jack the biggest hug, but instead looked at him with pride and love. He gave her an embarrassed little grin and she realized then that this hadn't been easy for him, that tonight he'd really let down all his defenses to tell everyone the truth. She knew then that her heart belonged to him completely and utterly – for better or worse.

Everyone spoke and the tears flowed freely, although at the end there was laughter too – mostly because of Jack. By the time they went out for drinks there was even more laughter and a lot of hugging, kissing and teasing.

That night Jack stayed with her. They held each other closely, neither of them saying much. The evening had been good and cathartic but also tiring. Just as Jack's eyes began to close she reached over and gave him a soft kiss. "Thank _you_", she said quietly, in echo of his words earlier. His eyes opened and as he looked deeply into hers, his were filled with understanding and gratitude. He nodded and then, with a smile on his face, he went to sleep.

"What is it Sam? What's wrong?" Janet was sitting across from her in the big chair, drinking a cup of tea. It was her day off and she'd decided to spend it with Sam. Jack was on a two day mission so she was all alone.

"Nothing", she said, looking at her friend in surprise. "Why? Everything's going great."

"Is it really?" Janet looked at her in some concern. "I mean, I know you guys seems happy but there's still something that seems – off. Oh, I don't know what I mean. I guess I'm just a worrier and am imagining things."

Sam put her cup down on the coffee table and sighed. "No. You're right there is something." She hadn't wanted to say anything to anyone, feeling it was private between her and Jack, but Janet _was_ her doctor and knew exactly what had happened. Who better to confide in?

"It's just – things are going well, really well, in most ways. Jack and I have grown really close and he's opened up in a way I never thought I'd see. It's just -"

"What Sam?"

"He's still afraid of getting physically close."

Janet frowned. "But I've seen him close to you lots of times. I mean he's always got his arms around you and when you're together you're cuddling with one another."

"Not _that_. I mean _close."_

"Sex?"

"Yeah, that."

Janet sighed. "Why didn't you just say so", she teased her friend. She held up her hands in defense. "I know, I know – don't shoot me. It's hard to talk about."

"And even harder to do."

Both women giggled although their laughter soon descended into silence.

"He went through a lot", Janet eventually spoke. "It's going to take him a while to deal with everything and to get comfortable enough to start a physical relationship."

"I know Janet and I'm not blaming him. Believe me, I understand and part of me is dealing with some of that too. It's just – I feel like things won't be settled until we _know _that we can have a real relationship. Things have been great, but if we can't get past this then it's not going to work. I think he's afraid that it's not going to happen, that he won't be able to deal with it and that it will destroy what we have so far."

"I think both of you underestimate your strength and desire to get better. If you'd jumped into things too quickly it would have had much worse consequences. Just be patient. And Sam -"

"Yes?" She looked at her friend. "What?"

"_Talk_ to him."

Sam nodded, knowing that they had to bring this out into the open before it destroyed them and what they'd built so far. She didn't know if she could say anything since she still felt paralyzed with guilt over what she'd done. She rubbed her hand on her belly and told herself that she had to get beyond that for the sake of the child who would soon make its way into the world. He or she deserved parents who loved each other and who built a strong and healthy relationship.

She'd just gotten to sleep that night, after lying awake wishing that Jack was back and was curled up beside her, when the phone rang. She sat up groggily, and glanced at the clock. It was after 2:00 am. Suddenly her heart started pounding. She knew that something must have happened for her to receive a call so late.

"Hello."

"Sam? It's Daniel."

"Oh God, what happened? Is he okay?"

"Uh – Janet's examining him right now. I'm sure he'll be okay Sam. You know Jack -"

"But what happened?"

"We got caught in a firefight and had to hot foot it back to the Gate. Jack was hit – it wasn't bad – but we were on a narrow ledge at the time. The force threw him over the side and he got pretty banged up."

"I'm coming in." She was already up and throwing on her clothes as she was listening to Daniel.

"The General's already sent a car. It should be there in ten minutes."

She didn't remember ever being quite this frightened, she thought as she watched the quiet streets of Colorado Springs. The driver had simply said hello and then had seemed to realize that she didn't want to talk. He drove quickly, but safely, also knowing that she needed to get there as fast as possible.

There had been many times over the years when she had been terrified when one of her teammates was missing or hurt. She would never have admitted it, not back then, but she had been the most affected when the Colonel was the one in danger. Now, however, it was much worse. Now that they were together, in love, and planning a future together, the thought of losing him was killing her. She suddenly realized, with perfect clarity, the reason for the regulations. There was no way you could be focused on a mission, on what was best for your team or your world, when you were in love with someone you worked with.

She arrived at the SGC and was let out directly in front of the security gate. Even though the guard there knew her, he was forced to have her sign in and to check her ID. She'd forgotten that it would be different now that she was a visitor and felt a small pang of regret.

As the elevator descended it came to her that this was the first time she'd been back since she'd resigned. This was certainly not the way she'd planned to return, although at least now she couldn't have cared less about showing up pregnant. Suddenly, what people thought of her didn't matter. All that did matter was that Jack would be okay and they'd be together.

She raced down the corridor, panting with the effort of running while seven months pregnant. She arrived in the Infirmary to see Daniel, Teal'c, Pierce and the General all standing or sitting in the corridor.

"Sam!" Daniel stood up and grabbed her, giving her a quick hug. She hugged him back gratefully but then pulled back.

"Jack?"

"We don't know yet", the General answered her gently. "He was unconscious when they brought him in but I'm sure he'll be fine. Jack is tough and he has too much to look forward to let anything stop him."

She blinked furiously, trying not to cry in front of these three men who meant the world to her. She barely knew Pierce, although appreciated his small smile and nod. He stepped back, wanting to be there for the Colonel, but knowing he didn't have a place – at least not yet – in the tight circle that surrounded Sam.

It was Teal'c who came up to her then and gently turned her and put his arms around her. She leaned forward, her forehead resting against his ample chest.

"It is alright Samantha. We are all here for you and for O'Neill. He will be fine."

That did it of course. She could feel the tears begin to run down her cheeks. She couldn't lose him now. And their child couldn't lose its father – a father it would never know.

After allowing her to soak the front of his shirt for a long time, Teal'c finally took her arms and very gently pushed her away. "He will get better Samantha. You must have faith."

He sniffed and scrubbed her cheeks and tried to smile. "I know Teal'c. It's just -"

"He _will_ be fine Sam. Teal'c's right. You have to have faith." Daniel came up and put his arm around her and gave her a quick hug. "Jack's much too obstinate to let something like a little fall stop him."

Hammond stepped closer as well, the three men now forming a close circle around her. "I'm sure he'll be up and around in no time, driving us all crazy."

She gave the three men a wobbly smile, more grateful than she could express for their support and love. She didn't know quite what to say to them, but the sudden opening of a door made them all turn before she had to reply.

"Janet! How is he?" She rushed up to her friend.

"He's okay Sam", Janet looked exhausted but gave the people waiting anxiously a small smile. "He's pretty battered up and he'll need time to recuperate, but he should be alright."

"Can you tell us what happened to him Doctor?" Hammond asked, knowing that Sam needed more information.

Janet sighed and pushed her hair back. "He received a staff weapon burn to the side. It's more painful than anything, although we'll watch it carefully. Burns can be tricky but in this case I think it should be fine."

"That's what made him fall off the ledge", Daniel told them.

"Most of his wounds were caused by that fall", Janet told them. "He received a concussion, although fortunately it was mild. He also has two broken ribs, a seriously bruised kidney – I think we can save it but we're monitoring it closely just in case. He also has a broken left ankle and a whole host of bruises and contusions. He's going to be very sore and we'll need to watch him but knowing the Colonel he should make it through okay."

"Thank God", Sam whispered, swaying. The General reached out and steadied her.

"Dr. Fraiser!"

"Come on Sam, you need to sit down."

"No – I need to see him Janet! I have to be with him."

The doctor looked at her for a few moments and then finally nodded. "Okay, but I don't want you to get overtired. He's sleeping now and he looks pretty battered, but knowing him he'll do better if you and his team are there. Come on in, but I want you to sit down." She turned to the others. "You can go in after Sam has a chance to see him."

Sam walked through the door, knowing that he'd look bad, but still shocked when she saw him. He was hooked up to a myriad of machines and one whole side of his face was a mass of bruises and cuts. There was a bandage across his forehead and a canula carrying oxygen into his nose. At least he hadn't had to be intubated.

"You're sure he's going to be okay?" she asked Janet softly.

"Well, he managed to bang himself up pretty spectacularly, but barring major complications he should be fine. The only thing that we really have to worry about is his kidney. It was pretty bruised and I almost thought we were going to have to remove it, but Dr. Warner felt that it could be saved. Even if he does lose it though, he'll be alright. A lot of people live just fine with one kidney."

"But he wouldn't be allowed to continue on active duty, would he?"

Janet looked at her with regret. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sure the Air Force would want to keep him, but he'd end up with a desk job. There's no way they'd let him be on a front line team with one kidney."

She briefly closed her eyes, knowing how much he'd hate being forced off his team because of this. Still, it was better than dying and she was also pretty sure that he could handle it, especially with the baby on the way.

She sat down beside his bed and reached out and took one of his hands in hers. She could see the scratches up and down his arms and suspected that it was probably worse on other parts of his body. He was going to be in a lot of pain when he woke up, but at least he was alive.

He hurt just about everywhere, but the pain in his low back was excruciating. He let out a low moan before he could stop himself and only then realized that someone was holding his hand. The hand squeezed his and a soft voice spoke.

"Jack, are you alright? Do you need something?"

He struggled to open his eyes but finally managed to force the lids to open enough so that he could see. There was someone – the face was too fuzzy to tell who it was – bending over his face. "Hmm?" He didn't know quite what he was asking but knew he needed something.

Sam looked at him worriedly. He was obviously still out of it, his eyes unfocused and a thin film of sweat on his forehead. She'd been dozing quietly, her head resting on the bed beside him, when she'd been awoken by his sound of pain.

She reached over and buzzed for Janet, while still keeping hold of his hand and bending down closer to him. "You're okay Jack. You had a fall and you're bruised and broke a few bones, but you're going to be just fine."

She wasn't sure if he even understood, but a few seconds after she spoke he squeezed her hand. It was weak – barely noticeable – but he had done it, of that she was sure. She smiled at him. "You just wanted me to take you home and look after you, didn't you?" she asked, smiling although her voice was laden with tears.

"S'm?" he finally asked. "Wh't h'pn'd?"

"It seems like you got into a fight with a Goa'uld and then fell down a cliff. Daniel and Teal'c and Pierce brought you back and they called me."

"S'rry," he muttered.

"That's okay. Just don't do it again, okay? The baby and I need you around Airman."

He gave a tiny nod and then his eyes drifted closed. By the time Janet arrived he was sound asleep.

"He woke up", she told the doctor. "I think he was in pain although he didn't stay awake long."

Janet nodded and quietly went and filled a syringe and injected it into his IV. "It's probably the kidney – that can be pretty painful. I'll keep his pain meds as high as I can for a while to give him a chance to rest. As soon as he's aware he'll probably insist that I reduce them. He hates them. Did he seem coherent?"

"Not at first. I think it took a while for him to recognize me but then he did and seemed to respond to what I was saying. Is he really okay Janet?"

"He's doing as well as can be expected at this point Sam. He took quite a tumble and it's natural for him to be groggy, especially with a concussion. By tomorrow he should be much more coherent." She glanced at her watch and then at Sam. "Okay, it's time for you to rest. Uh uh", she shook her head when Sam went to object. "You need to think about that baby and I'm going to need you when he's awake. Both Daniel and Teal'c – and even Pierce, have offered to sit with him overnight. _You_ are going to go to bed and to sleep. I'll make sure that someone comes and gets you if anything changes, but I'm sure it won't. You can come back in the morning, when he'll probably wake up."

She knew Janet was right, but she had this awful feeling that something would go wrong if she wasn't there. "Please Janet. Can't I just have a bed next to him? I won't get in the way, I promise."

"And you won't rest either. Look, we're going to be checking on him every few minutes and that would keep you awake. I will compromise and let you stay in the room next door. The Infirmary is empty right now except for the Colonel so you'll be close by. If anyone else is admitted you will have to move to a VIP suite though."

Knowing that was the best deal she was going to get she finally agreed, only asking to stay until one of the others appeared. It was only a few more moments before Teal'c showed up.

"I will stay with him", Teal'c assured her, "and watch over him carefully. You must rest."

"Okay Teal'c, thanks. Just make sure and -"

"I will come and get you if there is need, do not worry. The best thing you can do now is to sleep. It would worry O'Neill greatly to see you upset and unable to rest. You must look after yourself and your child."

Contrary to what she expected, Sam fell asleep almost instantly and didn't wake until later the next morning. At first she panicked, but then felt relieved when she decided that must mean everything was okay. She could trust that either Daniel or Teal'c would have come to get her if there was need.

She walked into Jack's room to discover Daniel seated next to him, the Colonel's hand held in his. She smiled, touched again at how all of these people were like family.

"How is he?" she whispered.

"He seems okay", Daniel answered, equally as softly. "Warner was in a while ago and said that things are stable. They're still watching his kidney carefully – I guess there's still quite a bit of bleeding, but the Doc says that's normal and so far it's okay. If it goes on too much longer though, they'll have to operate."

"Has he woken up?" she asked, moving to the other side. She reached out and laid her hand on his arm, which was carefully placed next to his body on a pillow. This must be the side where he'd broken his ribs.

"Just briefly. He looked at me and said my name and then went right back to sleep. He's on pretty heavy duty painkillers so the Doc said that was normal."

"Thanks Daniel. Look, you can go now, I'll watch him for a while."

"I'm going to go get you something from the Commissary and bring it back. Janet said to make sure you ate and rested. He's going to be okay Sam. He had a good night and it'll only get better from here."

It was about forty-five minutes later that Jack finally woke up. She'd eaten the toast and fruit that Daniel had brought her and was sipping the last of the herbal tea. She saw a small movement and put aside her cup.

"Jack?"

He opened his eyes at the sound of her voice and quickly found her face. "Hey", he whispered. "You okay?"

She laughed softly and reached for his hand. "I think I should be asking you that! I'm fine, just worried about you."

"M'okay. Tough ya know."

"I know, but you really shouldn't go diving off cliffs. It makes Janet mad."

"Uh oh!" his lips quirked up on one side, although only for a second. He was clearly tired and probably in pain.

"How are you feeling?" she frowned. "Do you need more pain meds?"

He shook his head, although the frown lines between his eyes gave lie to his denial. She pushed the call button, knowing Janet wouldn't pay any attention to his claim of being 'fine'. She knew him too well.

"Sorry – for this", he told her a few moments later.

"Don't be an idiot Jack", she answered affectionately. "Now if you'd gone and gotten yourself killed I _would _have been angry. For this I can forgive you."

"Glad", he muttered, his voice starting to fade.

Just then Janet came in, giving Sam a smile. "Everything okay?" she asked, immediately checking out his chart and then his vitals.

"I think he's in pain, although he's denying it", Sam told her.

Janet grimaced but nodded. "He always does. Sir", she waited until he opened his eyes and looked at her. "How's the pain? You know the drill – from one to ten – and don't lie! It's important I know the truth. You banged up one of your kidneys and if we want to save it we have to watch you carefully and pain management is important. So – the truth!"

He considered her for a moment and then closed his eyes. "Six", he answered softly.

At that Janet grimaced and immediately prepared more pain medication and injected it into his IV. She waited until he had drifted back to sleep and then turned to Sam. "A six on the O'Neill scale is closer to a ten on anyone else's", she explained. "I'm going to have one of the nurses bring in a pump, that way we can make sure the medications are spaced out a little better which should help."

"How is his kidney?" Sam asked after Janet was done with the Colonel.

"Well, it still appears to be working which is good, although there's more blood than we'd like to see. Dr. Warner said he'd check again in a couple of hours. If the bleeding hasn't stopped, or at least slowed down by then -" she left the rest of the sentence hang.

In the end, the Colonel didn't lose his kidney, although it had been a close run thing. As it was, he'd had to use a catheter for a while – something he hated – so they could 'monitor his output'. Sam had had to stop herself from laughing at his words after the nurse had told him that. Still, she couldn't really blame him. She knew it wasn't pleasant and he hated to be incapacitated in any way.

The first few days he slept most of the time. Once he started to get better he was still pretty quiet and did what he was told. The moment he started to complain about things Janet rolled her eyes and made the comment that the Colonel was going to be fine. "It means he's getting better Sam but I must admit it's not my favorite time."

Sam could sympathize although she was still so relieved that he was okay that she put up with his bad mood and grousing. If things got too bad she'd lean over, kiss him and exit. Usually by the time she returned he acted quite chastened and was on his best behavior. She knew he didn't mean to bitch and complain but he hated to be stuck in bed.

"I'll let you go Colonel, but only if someone is there to look after you. Nope – no choice I'm afraid. With broken ribs _and_ a broken ankle you need help. It would be too easy for you to fall and hurt yourself again. It would also be better if you could stay somewhere with a minimum of stairs."

"Well, I guess that means you'll be staying with me then Jack", Sam told him. Except for the stairs up to the front door, her house was on one level. His, on the other hand, had stairs up to the bedroom and then down to the living room.

"Oh, I don't know Sam, he could come to my place too. And I have an elevator so he wouldn't have to go up _any_ stairs."

"And where would I sleep? On your couch?" Jack asked irritably.

"You could have my bed", Daniel replied, straight faced. "I'm happy to take the couch."

"You are also welcome to stay in my room O'Neill", Teal'c offered. "That way you could be close to the Infirmary and to Dr. Frasier in case you needed anything."

He looked between his two 'friends'. "Piss off", he finally told them. "Sam, are you taking me home now?"

"Only if you promise to be nice", she told him.

He stared at her as if _she_ was from another planet. Nice? How the hell was he supposed to be _nice_ when he felt like hell and could barely get around?

"Sam?" Janet laughed at her. "I think that's really asking too much of the poor man. Nope, I think he'd better stay with Teal'c."

Jack sat up, looking dignified. "You all think it's so funny to tease a wounded man, but just wait until one of _you_ is sick and in need of support. Don't come looking at me."

They all laughed but since the wheelchair arrived at that point no one said anything more. Jack was helped into the chair and Sam grabbed his things. With Daniel driving and Teal'c walking on one side of him and Sam on the other, he made his way out of Cheyenne Mountain for the first time in a week.

It was a beautiful day outside and Jack couldn't help but feel the stress of the last week leave his body. He was still sore and in some pain, but being outside in the warm sun made everything feel better. After being helped into the car by Teal'c and Daniel he turned to his two friends and gave them a grin. "Thanks", he said. "Let's do pizza one night and watch some movies", he told the guys. "I'll invite Pierce too. We need to get him involved in team nights."

It was after they'd driven off that Jack looked over at his driver and the love of his life. "Sorry", he said softly.

She turned and glanced at him quickly, a confused look on her face. "What for?"

"Oh, for being a jerk", he said. "I – don't do well in hospitals."

She laughed gently. "We know that Jack. We'd be worried if you acted any differently. It's when you're nice that we all think something is seriously wrong."

He snorted and then laughed and put his head back on the seat. With a sigh he allowed himself to relax and doze the rest of the way to Sam's. When they got there she helped him hobble up the walkway to her front door. Getting up the stairs was a bit difficult but he went slowly. By the time he made it to the living room he was worn out and collapsed on her couch.

Sam watched as he slept, the small frown lines attesting to pain he was still in. She still worried, but couldn't help smile when she thought of the fact that now he was here and she had him to herself for the next couple of weeks at least.

Thinking back to her conversation with Janet before the accident, she decided that, as soon as he was better, she was going to have a talk with one Jack O'Neill, Colonel. She loved this man and it was time.


	25. Galactic Buns

_**Nothing substantial - mostly fluff, talking, some humor and a dollop of silliness. Only a couple more chapters to go. I'm really gonna get there ... someday. Thank you always for the reviews and lovely comments.**_

"Damn!" He hated this! He tried to make his way out of bed but it was hard with the broken ribs. Add to that all the bruises and cuts and he felt very sorry for himself. Once he was sitting up, his legs over the side of the bed, he realized it was going to be even more miserable trying to make his way up and over to the bathroom.

A broken ankle was a pain but it was the combination of that and the ribs that made it hard to get around. He couldn't really use crutches effectively and had to do a one legged hop using only one crutch. It was exhausting and very inefficient. Oh well, it had to be done, unless he was okay with wetting the bed. And wouldn't _that_ be a great thing to have to tell Sam.

At least that thought cheered him up a bit. Sam! She was here – or more accurately, he was _there_, with her, in her house and he was going to stay until he was able to at least get around better. He'd stayed over a few times but it was usually when she had needed some comfort. This was going to be for a longer period of time and the shoe was on the other foot – so to speak! Looking down at his ankle he grinned. He expected it was going to be a _long_ recovery.

There was a tap on the door and her voice came through. "Morning Jack. What would you like for breakfast?" She must have heard him getting up, which wasn't surprising since it had been accomplished with much cursing and groaning.

"Uh, anything is fine. I'll be out in a few minutes."

"Take your time. I just got up myself."

By the time he made it out to the kitchen he was ready to go back to bed. God he hated being sick or injured. He knew he shouldn't expect to be up and around the day after getting out of the Infirmary but still, he felt more miserable than he'd expected.

"Sit on the couch with your legs up." Sam came up and gave him a smile and a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'll bring a tray."

"You don't have to -"

"I know, but I want to. No point you being miserable – I'd much rather you were comfortable. I'll bring mine in as well and we can have breakfast together."

He sighed in relief as he collapsed on her couch. He didn't know if he even had the energy to lift his leg up but just then Sam appeared and leaned down and helped him. He could tell that it wasn't easy for her either. Her stomach was a lot bigger now and bending was becoming difficult for her.

"There. I'll be right back." She returned in a couple of minutes with a tray and a full breakfast of eggs, toast, juice and coffee."

"Thanks." He waited until she'd returned with her own – slightly smaller – breakfast and then began to eat. "I could get used to this", he groaned in pleasure and sat back.

"Eating on the couch?" she grinned.

"No, having a beautiful blond wait on me hand and foot", he smirked.

She lifted his tray and set it down on the coffee table – and then threw a cushion at him. "Well _don't_ get used to it Flyboy. In fact, I'm just showing you how it's done so that soon you can wait on me like this!"

He examined her carefully, a studious frown on his face. "Hmm. Do you think a tray will _fit _on your lap?"

She laughed and stood up. "For that, I'm going to leave you all by yourself", she informed him cheekily.

"Really?" This time his frown was in earnest. He began to feel sorry for himself again.

"I have a couple of errands to run. I want to pick up some groceries and I thought I'd get you anything else you might like for while you're here. You can watch TV now or I have some DVD's if you'd like. I also have some novels if you want to read."

She wanted to laugh at the expression on his face. This man was one of the bravest most honorable people she knew but sometimes he could be such a little boy. She moved closer and sat on the coffee table beside him. "I can stay if you want?"

He gave a sheepish grin and shook his head. "Naw. You go ahead. I'll be fine here – all alone, by myself, solo. If I need anything I'll just – wait." His look told her he was just kidding so she gave him another quick kiss and pushed herself up.

"What would you like me to get for you?"

He thought a moment and then shrugged. "You know me", he finally said. "No chick flicks – okay, okay – you can get _one_ that we'll watch together. As for books – let me see what you have. I don't do astrophysics or romance but anything else is okay."

"Well, I don't actually _have_ any astrophysics novels – I don't think there are any. As for romance – I already knew that about you!"

After she'd gone he thought about her words. He knew she'd been kidding, but it made him realize that when it came to Sam he _hadn't_ done the romance thing. He'd been dealing – hell, _both_ of them had been dealing with the outcomes from the debacle on the planet and the last thing he'd been thinking about had been flowers or romantic dinners.

Damn! He'd have to do something about that. Instead of reading one of the books she'd left – some of which looked pretty interesting – or watching TV, he thought about his relationship with Sam and the fact that it was time to change things.

He'd been surprised at how good things had gone. As much as he still had his share of hang-ups, he knew he wanted this to work more than anything in the world. "Well you'd better get off your ass and do something about it then Jack", he said softly to himself.

He couldn't believe how patient Sam had been although he knew she was dealing with some of her own issues. He was pretty sure however, that she was more than ready to move on past those things and - he stopped - well, he wasn't _exactly_ sure about the 'and'.

He could feel himself break out into a bit of a sweat thinking about that but knew he had to eventually move past his fears and just go for it. Maybe eventually was now. Or at least it was soon. He didn't think he was up to too much physically right now. That would be great, he thought with a shudder. Finally start to get romantic and then pass out!

By the time Sam returned he was deep into the pages of a mystery novel. It was an historical novel, which he enjoyed, although he didn't usually let others – especially Daniel – know that. He liked the fact that there was no science – fiction or otherwise – and nothing that reminded him of his day job. He enjoyed getting lost in a total different reality, although he had to grin at that. He'd been there, done that as far as alternate realities – real ones – were concerned.

"How's it going?" She asked as she set down a bag of groceries. "You manage okay on your own?"

"Of course, although I missed you."

She looked at him in surprise. She'd expected one of his usual O'Neill 'quips'. Instead, she'd gotten a sincere and serious reply. She worried for a second that something was wrong, but when she looked at him it was to see a smile on his face.

"I'm glad", she answered shyly, not sure where, if anywhere, this was leading.

"I'm hoping to entice you into sitting and talking to me", he answered, patting the couch beside him. He'd moved.

"Oh, you're being sneaky are you? Well, it's working. Just let me put some of these things away and then I'll be back."

Over the next few days they fell into a pattern of spending many hours just sitting and talking. Mostly it was light-hearted, talking about what was happening in the world, reminiscing about old missions, or talking about movies or books. Occasionally however they got into more serious discussions.

Sam realized, after a few days, that Jack was intentionally trying to open up to her, to share something of himself. He'd already gone a long way, with her and their friends, about talking about Charlie but now he was going even beyond that. He told her about his childhood, his parents, his family. He talked eloquently about why he'd joined the Air Force and what his dreams had been as a young man.

She knew she was privileged to be let into his life like this. She suspected that this was very rare, that there were very few people in this world whom he'd shared himself with like this.

The one topic he didn't touch on was Sara, other than to mention her briefly in conjunction with Charlie or with certain events in his past. She didn't know if it made him uncomfortable, or if he thought it would bother her. She wondered if she should bring it up, but decided it had to be in his own time.

As he began to reveal more of himself, it allowed her to do the same. She was generally a more easygoing person and didn't have as hard a time talking about things, at least to certain people. She'd shared a lot with Janet and even with Daniel. There were just two areas of her life that she kept pretty much to herself. One was her mother and her mother's death. The other was Jonas Hanson.

The reason for the first – her mother – was because it was a private part of herself and one that still hurt. As far as Jonas was concerned it was pure mortification. She felt totally foolish that she'd allowed herself to become involved with someone like him – and also because she'd thought that she could do something to stop him when he'd turned into the megalomaniacal crazy man that had almost gotten them all killed.

"What's up?" His gentle voice interrupted her thoughts and she grimaced. She then turned and faced him, a determined look on her face.

"I want to tell you about Jonas", she told him. She almost laughed at his look of surprise, which he tried to quickly cover. "I feel – foolish – about him and I wanted to explain."

"You don't need to", he said quietly. "We've all done that."

"Done what?" Her crinkled brow showed her confusion.

"Oh – dated people who we look back at and wonder 'what the hell was I thinking'." His grin took any sting from the words and she had to laugh.

"True", she agreed. She then frowned again. "So, who are some of the people _you've_ dated like that?"

"Crystal Sawatzky", he answered immediately.

"Crystal -?"

"Sawatzky. Big – uh – " he held his hand up. "Well, you get the picture."

"Probably! So, beside big – what made you date her?"

He looked at her in shock. "Sam, Sam, Sam – what _other_ reason would a sixteen year old boy need to date a girl?" He got a glazed look on his face as his mind thought back to all those years ago. "They were – pretty magnificent!"

"But not worth it?"

He refocused his attention back on Sam. "In the long run – no. She was smart in that she used them to entice boys – but other than that she was pretty nasty. By the end of our – relationship or whatever it was – I'd almost decided that girls weren't worth it."

"Really?" she laughed. "But you changed your mind?"

"Oh yeah – Sandy Woodward", he said, as if that explained it all – and it probably did.

"So – you had one 'regret' in your dating life? But you were sixteen Sir. You can be forgiven for that."

He didn't comment on the 'Sir' but simply shook his head. "She was just the first Carter. I dated my share in college, some who were great but there were others who were – not. No, we've all been there, done that. You were young when you dated Jonas and you got out of it without wasting too much time."

"Well yes, but I dated him for almost a year. We were even engaged."

"But you didn't go through with it. As for the planet – you tried to stop him. It wasn't your fault he was crazy."

"No, I guess not. I just -"

"- shouldn't worry about it. As I said, we've all been there – except maybe Teal'c. I can't imagine him dating the wrong woman, although now that I think about it, he might have been able to handle Crystal."

"What about Daniel?" she grinned, enjoying the Colonel's way of dealing with her angst about Jonas.

"Daniel? Oh, I expect he didn't do much dating at all. In fact, I figure -" He stopped suddenly as if reconsidering his words. His mischievous expression made her curious.

"What do you figure?"

"Uh –well -"

"_Jack!_"

"I kind of expect that he lost his virginity with Sha're", he said in a rush.

"Really? Wow!" she intoned. "Do you think so? But what about Sarah Gardner. Didn't he date her for awhile?" She then thought back to the Daniel she'd first met on Abydos and nodded. "You're probably right, although that's – wow."

"Yeah. Poor Danny, although I think he's made up for it. Half the women in the universe have a thing for him."

"And the other half have a thing for you!" She wanted to burst out laughing at the flush that seeped up his neck. He was actually embarrassed, which she found utterly charming. "And that's not counting all the women – and some men – at the SGC."

"_Men_! Carter – don't even _go_ there."

This time she did laugh, enjoying his panicked expression. "Well, quite a few people have you and Daniel hooked up and some have even wondered about you and Teal'c." The look he gave her made her laugh even harder. "But most know you're a woman kind of guy", she appeased.

"Thank God!" he told her. "I mean – I don't have trouble with that but – just not for me."

"I know Jack", she said calmly. "I've definitely known all along that you're a woman's guy."

He nodded sharply, wondering how this conversation had taken such a turn. His look softened. "Really Sam – I don't think any of us have ever given your relationship with Jonas a thought. We totally understood. Now _Narim_…!"

"What about him?" she asked defensively.

"He was – creepy", Jack said calmly.

"He was not! He was nice."

"Nope." Jack shook his head. "Creepy. You can even ask Teal'c and Daniel – they agree with me."

"I don't believe you", she narrowed her eyes. "But what about you and -" she bit her lip.

"Me and – who?" he asked suspiciously.

"No one."

"Sam?"

"Well, you had your share of aliens after you too and some of them were pretty creepy too."

"Hey – Thor's nice. He's not creepy!"

She laughed like she was supposed to and decided to drop it, although she would like to have asked about -"

"Laira?" he interrupted as if reading her mind. He was again looking serious.

She knew that he was opening up to her once more and she appreciated what he was trying to do. She hadn't actually thought of the Edoran woman for a long time but now that he'd brought it up she realized she did want to hear his explanation. He'd never said anything to her about his time there, or about his relationship with Laira.

"I – didn't think I was coming home", he said softly. "I waited for as long as I could and then decided I was going to have to make a life there. It was – hard", he smiled slightly, a quick upturn of his lips. "Laira offered me a chance to have a life there. I wasn't _in_ love with her but decided I could probably love her if I tried. It was only at the very end that we – that I – that's why I asked her to come to Earth with me." He hoped it was enough of an explanation because he didn't really know what else to say. He watched her carefully, hopeful that she didn't still hold some resentment over his time on Edora.

"Did you ever wish you could go back, or that she'd come to Earth?"

"No", he answered plainly, quickly. It was something he'd considered himself and knew the answer. "I felt guilty over leaving her because I think -"

" – she was in love with you?" she said carefully.

He gave a lopsided smile and nodded. "Yeah. It made me feel badly for her but for myself – no. I'm an Earth kind of guy and I don't think she would have liked it here. We were both better off this way. And anyway -"

This time his smile was full wattage as he looked directly at her.

"What?" she turned her head and looked at him suspiciously out of the corner of her eye.

"Well, there was this Captain I knew, back on Earth …. She had – kind of gotten under my skin", he informed her. "I would definitely have missed her a _lot_."

She inched closer and cuddled up against him. "And she would have missed you too Sir."

After a week he was able to get around much easier, although he still felt stiff and sore. Some days he felt impatient and irritated at everything – his usual reaction to extended recuperation. At those times he stayed in his room and Sam knew enough to give him his space, for which he was grateful. There was a definite benefit to having known and worked with someone for years.

Tonight was their first 'birthing class' and also the first time Jack had ventured out since his accident. He had to laugh at how much he was looking forward to getting out of the house, although he wasn't quite as excited about the class. He knew a lot of it had to do with their unusual situation. There was a part of him that was also struggling with the memories of the last time he'd done this. At that time he'd been with Sara.

He hadn't really talked to Sam very much about her and wasn't quite sure how to broach the subject. He was no longer in love with his ex-wife, but he still loved her. It was that that he was having trouble talking to her about. Somehow he felt like he was being unfaithful to _both_ of them in a weird kind of way.

* * *

They went to the class that evening and it wasn't as bad as Jack had feared. The first evening was just getting to know the others in the class and talking about the subjects that were going to be discussed over the next six weeks. The instructor also asked if anyone had any questions or issues they'd like to bring forward.

"My Dad had it a lot easier", Jack said as they drove back to Sam's. "He didn't have to know any of this stuff and just waited for everything to be over and voila – there I was."

"Is that what you want?" she looked at him with a combination of surprise and worry.

"Hell no", he grinned. "I wouldn't miss this for the world. When Sara was -" he stopped talking and bit his tongue. Crap – way to go Jack.

"When Sara what?" she asked gently, keeping her voice neutral. "You can talk about her Jack, I really don't mind. She was – is – an important part of your life and I'm not jealous."

He breathed a silent sigh of relief and turned in his seat to look at her. "I'm glad", he confessed. "I wasn't quite sure -"

"Well, as long as you don't tell me all the things she does better than me", she grinned, "I'm okay with talking about her. Do you still see her?"

"Occasionally", he answered. "Usually just for Charlie – you know anniversaries, that kind of stuff. We don't socialize or anything. And you do things just fine – although she _did_ bake me her world famous chocolate chip cookies!"

"Don't get your hopes up, although I _might_ be induced to make you my _galaxy_ famous cinnamon buns."

"_Galaxy_ famous?" he asked with lifted brows.

"Mmm hmm. Narim _loved_ them!"

* * *

As he lay in bed that night he thought about the time he'd spent here with Sam, in her house. He knew it was different than normal, day to day living, with him being injured, but in a way it was exactly what he'd needed to make his final decision. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with this woman and in order to do so, he had to figure out how to overcome his fear and start a life with her.

Tomorrow morning he was going to call Jeff. He hadn't talked to the good doctor since he'd been back from the last mission from hell and he wanted his advice. But whatever he said, Jack was sure that he had to do something. The status quo had to change.

He could feel his heart start to beat faster just thinking about what he had to do to _make_ those changes. _Could_ he deal with what had happened and move on? He hadn't had a nightmare in – well, since before the fall – so that must mean he was getting better, didn't it?

He laid there worrying about whether or not he could deal with a physical relationshipo, when there was a small knock on the door. He looked over at it in surprise and then at the clock by the bed. It was almost 2:30 in the morning. What could be wrong? "Come in?"

Sam slowly opened the door and peeked in the room. "I'm sorry – did I wake you?" she asked softly.

"Nope. I was just lying here thinking. Is something wrong?" He pulled himself up and was relieved to note that it was becoming easier all the time, although he was still sore. "Come here", he told her when he saw her hesitate. "What is it Sam?" he asked when she drew near.

"Nothing. The baby is just really active tonight and I couldn't sleep so I thought -"

He smiled and pulled the covers aside and shimmied over. "Come on. I couldn't sleep either. Get in."

As she snuggled up next to him his heart slowed down and he could feel himself begin to drift off to sleep. He could do this. In fact, for the first time since Amazonia, he was beginning to _want_ to take their relationship to that next, very important level. He leaned into Sam and breathed in her scent. As his heart sped back up –this time from excitement, not fear, he smiled and allowed himself to drift off to sleep. Oh yeah! Things were starting to return to normal and his body was beginning to wake up to the idea of a physical relationship – a _real_ physical relationship. Suddenly, he could hardly wait.


	26. Satisfaction

_**Hi all! Sorry for the delay in posting. I was in Orlando on a mother/daughter trip with my 12 year old daughter. She dragged me to every crazy rollercoaster and ride there. We had a fantastic time! I tried to write but spending my days upside down and spinning around tired me out. Harry Potter was fantastic and the butterbeer was great - but there's nothing like Stargate and especially Jack so ...**_

She was chewing on the end of her pencil as she tried to figure out the physics behind the latest tests the SGC had sent her. Sg4 had brought back an object from their latest mission which had excited the scientists who'd examined it. When they'd reached a dead end they'd asked her to look over their figures and to determine possible uses for the object.

So immersed was she in her calculations that she didn't hear him come in. She jumped and let out a soft squeak when he put his arms around her, which caused him to chuckle.

"Hey there! Thinking too hard again?"

She put her hands up to his and looked over her shoulder. "You scared me!"

"Sorry."

"No you're not", she scolded him teasingly. "What are you doing ho – here so early."

Jack had been back to work for the past couple of weeks on light duties. He bitched and cursed about it but if he'd been pressed he would have admitted that he wasn't ready to go through the gate and wouldn't be for a number of weeks. He had to wear the ankle brace for at least three more weeks and his ribs were still healing. The bruising had finally worn off and most of the cuts and scrapes had disappeared but he wasn't yet up to full speed. It bothered him that he didn't heal as quickly as he had when he was younger and it had made him start to wonder if he should be thinking about retiring again.

For the present he was helping General Hammond with writing up evaluations, and looking at staff for promotions and transfers. He also spent time with all of the team captains to determine how they were doing and discuss possible improvements in operations. Although he didn't let on to anyone, he actually rather enjoyed what he was doing. It was true that he didn't particularly like paper work, although he'd been in the Air Force long enough to be able to handle it pretty efficiently, but the operations side of things kind of interested him. That fact would have surprised just about everyone but General Hammond who allowed the fiction of him not doing much outside of missions to continue. No, the fact was he really didn't mind being stuck on base, at least for now. It allowed him to spend more time with Sam and to try and figure out where they were going in their relationship.

"I wanted to see you," he said simply, leaning down and giving her a kiss on the forehead.

"And General Hammond was okay with you coming home for that?" she asked, teasing him.

"Well – I kind of snuck out."

"_Jaaaack!_" she turned and looked at him in laughing surprise. "You mean to tell me you're AWOL?"

"For you I'd do anything," he told her, pulling her up so that she was standing in front of him.

She leaned into him, not quite sure if he was serious or kidding. "Jack?" she asked, still concerned but also enchanted. She'd rarely seen him so – demonstrative. "You're not going to get into trouble are you?"

He leaned down and nuzzled her neck, not speaking. She finally felt his sigh and he stood up. "No. I finished the reports early and George told me to go home. He said to say hi by the way."

"Mmm." She leaned forward again, enjoying the closeness. "That was nice of him."

"It was, wasn't it? C'mere." He drew her forward and out of the small bedroom she used as an office and into the front room. "Sit with me."

She followed him and sat down, wondering at his strange mood. She'd rarely seen him quite so calm or so gentle. Part of her liked it, part of her worried that this meant something had happened, or he was about to say something she didn't want to hear.

"What is it?" she asked him.

"What do you mean?"

"You seem – different – today. Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine." His face abruptly crinkled into one of his mischievous grins. "Although Daniel's having a bit of trouble," he told her.

"Jack, what did you do?"

"Me? I didn't do anything", he answered, sounding hurt. "Hammond assigned Daniel to go with Sg3 until I'm back on full duty."

"And what happened?" She looked at him suspiciously; sure he must have done something.

"He came back purple," he smirked. "Really, really purple."

"Purple? How did that happen?"

"Well, there was this artifact – "

"And he touched it?"

"Yeah. Reynolds _told_ him not to."

"But Daniel couldn't resist." she said with a shake of her head.

"No. Doc Frasier says it's not dangerous and should wear off in a week or so but he looks pretty spectacular."

"And it made your day, didn't it?" she laughed.

"Hell ya! Hey, don't look at me like that. I didn't say a thing to him - I didn't even say I told you so. You should have heard Teal'c though. I swear Daniel was ready to slug him."

"_Teal'c?"_

"Yeah. Who knew? He's been teasing Danny unmercifully. And you blamed me!"

"Well – you _are _usually the one who torments poor Daniel."

"Not this time. I actually had more fun sitting back and watching the two of them go at it."

Sam suddenly felt a wave of sadness wash over her. She missed this – this camaraderie with the rest of Sg1. She missed the teasing – usually of Daniel – Teal'c's wisdom and sometimes off the wall humor. She rested her hand on her belly and briefly closed her eyes. She was happy about the baby, and about how things were going with Jack, but a part of her missed her old life.

She felt his hand suddenly on her shoulder. He gave it a soft squeeze.

"You'll be back", he said softly. "We all miss you, you know. Pierce is a decent guy but the team hasn't been the same without you."

She opened her eyes and smiled at him. If hers were a bit moist he didn't say anything. Instead he watched her closely for a few seconds and then he reached up with his hand and slowly caressed her face. "You're beautiful, do you know that?"

"Jack." She gave a small laugh. "You're crazy."

"No, not crazy. Just – " he placed his mouth on the slight dimple next to her lips. Without saying any more he began to slowly kiss her on her jaw and down her neck. She shivered, the soft caress sending goosebumps up her arms. She turned her face towards him but he avoided her lips, continuing to tease her with his soft kisses.

"_Jack_," she said his name again, wanting him to kiss her fully. "Please."

The next thing she knew he had pushed her down on the couch and his hands were moving up her side _under her shirt!_ God – he was actually – _"Jack!__**"**_

The love making – for that's what it was – continued until she was practically incoherent. She opened her eyes briefly to see him in about the same state she was in. Before she had a chance to think clearly he'd stood up and reached his hand for her.

"Come on", he told her breathlessly. Without a single thought in her head she followed him down the hall into her bedroom where he pushed her gently to the bed. He sat beside her and resumed the soft caresses.

He was being so careful, so gentle with her while she was feeling ready to explode. Still, she held herself back, knowing that he had to be the one in control. Although her mind was clouded with passion, a part of her knew that if she did the wrong thing this could change very quickly and turn into a disaster. As much as he seemed thoroughly engaged in what was happening, she recognized that it would take very little to bring back the memories of what had occurred those many months ago.

He pushed her back slowly onto the bed and followed so that he was lying beside her. His hand continued to stroke her skin under her shirt until finally he began to push it up.

"Okay?" he asked gently, looking into her eyes, his own clouded with desire.

"Mmm hmm", she murmured, lifting herself up so that he could pull off the top. She glanced down at herself, shy at the knowledge that he could now see her rounded belly. She still wore her bra – an unattractive maternity bra that was about comfort rather than fashion. And yet, from his expression, he didn't mind either her maternal shape or her clothes.

She was so – amazing, he thought, in the small corner of his mind that was still functioning. He wanted desperately to reach out and touch those luscious breasts, grown even fuller and more beautiful with pregnancy. Even more than that, he wanted to see them in all their glory. Asking permission with his eyes, he reached down and touched the front clasp. Seeing her small nod, he unclasped it and the bra fell away.

He caught his breath and slowly lifted his hand. He checked once more to make sure this was alright. Her hooded eyes and deep breaths told him that she was as full of desire as he was.

Sam wriggled on the bed, feeling desperate for more. He was making her feel things she didn't ever remember feeling. Her body tingled from the top of her head, through her body to the end of her toes. As she felt the tension and excitement grow she had to _do_ something. She reached for him and put her hands under his shirt. As he continued to kiss and stroke her she began to push up his shirt, the feel of his skin sending even more shivers through her body.

Jack was aware of her hands at his waist and at first they increased his desire and passion. It was as she began to explore his back and then moved around to his chest that the feeling began to change. He was starting to have trouble catching his breath – not because of passion but because of fear. Memories began to flood his mind – memories of her holding him down, hurting him, forcing him …

He sat up gasping, and pushed her away, although he was still aware enough to be gentle. He stood up and moved away from the bed, still breathing hard. He closed his eyes, suddenly feeling lost and ashamed. God – he thought he could handle this. It had started out so well –

"Jack?"

Her voice finally penetrated his panic and he straightened his body and opened his eyes. She was sitting on the bed, her shirt held up in front of her and a look of distress and guilt on her face.

His eyes closed again – briefly – as he realized what his reaction had done to her. She looked so lost, so sad sitting there. He couldn't let this go – couldn't walk away from her now. He forced himself to take a deep breath and opened his eyes. "Sorry." He gave a small smile. "Just – sorry."

"No – it's my fault. I'm – I didn't mean to -"

He made his legs move, even though they felt as though they were cemented to the floor. He approached the bed and sat down on the edge and leaned forward enough so that he could put his finger over her mouth. "Shhh. You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is _my_ issue and it's going to take me awhile. I'm the one who owes you an apology so _please_ don't feel guilty – just – be patient with me."

"Neither of us needs to feel guilty Jack", she finally said, trying hard to give him a smile. "And of course I'll be patient. We went a little too fast here, that's all. Next time we'll take it a bit easier."

He regarded her carefully, thinking back to the last few moments. She was probably right but he was pretty sure that slower wasn't something he was going to be able to do very well. Simply looking at her made him feel incredibly – hot. He sighed and ran his finger through his hair. His sudden panic attack had dissipated but the passion hadn't.

"Can we try this again?" he suddenly asked.

"Really?" she looked at him in some surprise. "You mean right now?"

"Only if you're up for it," he assured her quickly.

"But – are you – do you _want_ to? Jack, you don't have to do this to prove anything. I love you and I'm willing to wait."

"But I'm not." He reached for her and pulled her towards him and this time carefully, slowly bent his head and kissed her. He took his time, kissing her softly on her lips, her jaw, her neck. He stayed sitting up, with her beside him, making sure to simply enjoy and not to think.

By the time he pushed her back down again onto the bed he was breathing heavily and so was she. This time, however, she kept her hands on the outside of his clothes, seeming to realize that touching him too intimately would bring on the panic.

Fortunately for him, touching _her_ didn't bother him at all. No, that wasn't quite true! It didn't _upset_ him but he was definitely bothered, very, very bothered and it was killing him. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and he began to tug at the waist of her pants. He had to touch her, to feel her. He _wanted_ her and he was pretty sure he wasn't going to be able to wait too much longer.

Sam desperately wanted to reach up and remove his shirt, to feel his naked skin against hers. She wanted to be able to touch him, to hold him and stroke him – and kiss his neck and chest and - - - but she couldn't and it was driving her crazy. She knew that she could easily send him back into panic mode so had to restrain herself even though she'd just about reached the limit of her self-control. If he didn't get moving, and fast, she wouldn't be responsible for her – "Ooooh."

Jack was pretty sure he'd never heard Carter make quite that sound before. He couldn't help the slight smirk on his face when he realized that he was the one who had caused it. He did it again and she moaned, nearly sending him over the edge.

Hell! Jack wriggled around until he was able to strip off his pants and then his boxers. He left the shirt on, still too upset by the marks that had been left on his chest to bare all.

Sam was barely aware of the fact that Jack had moved away from her– but suddenly she realized that he was – oh God! She moaned again and clutched his waist. A part of her was aware that he still wore his shirt which seemed rather odd, but she certainly wasn't going to complain because – "oooh"!

It took a while before Sam's heart slowed enough that she could think coherently. She was lying on her back, staring at the ceiling. That had been – wow. She allowed herself to simply enjoy that warm, relaxed feeling you only got after such complete loving. Finally though, she knew she had to look at him. She couldn't believe how nervous she was, hoping that he was okay, that this hadn't sent him over the edge or created even more trauma. With a quick breath she turned her head, only to see him curled up on his side, sound asleep.

She wasn't quite sure whether to be relieved or insulted. Looking at his sweat covered but relaxed face she smiled. He'd obviously not been traumatized in the least. She couldn't help the small giggle that broke out and turned on her side to better look at him.

His eyes opened, and he looked at her. "What are you giggling at?" he said, a tiny smile on his face.

"You."

"Me?" His smile turned to a frown, but the twinkle in his eyes told her he wasn't serious.

"You were sound asleep!"

"No I wasn't. I was just resting my eyes. And anyway, you should be flattered."

"Flattered?" she laughed. "Why should I be flattered?"

"Because", he said, moving so that he was lying flat on his back, his arms behind his head. "It means I am -", he paused.

" – you are?"

He turned at that and pushed himself up and leaned over her, looking directly into her eyes. She watched him carefully, her eyes roaming over his face. With a tender look he lowered his head and gently kissed her. "Happy", he told her, "and satisfied."

"I'm glad you're happy", she whispered. "Me too." For a few moments they continued to kiss each other – tenderly and gently, neither of them ready yet for more passion.

After a while she spoke again. "And I'm glad you were satisfied." she smirked, waggling her eyebrows . She reached up and traced his mouth with her finger. "But does that mean you've had enough?"

"Never! I meant I was satisfied for the moment", he told her. "And anyway, that's why I was resting – to get my strength up."

"Mmm hmm. Your strenght and other things", she murmured, reaching for him.

This time it was Sam who fell asleep first. He turned to look at her, reveling in the fact that they were together and that he'd been able to overcome his fears and just love her. He reached down and touched his shirt. Okay, so he still had some issues, but he was getting better and maybe soon, one day, he could go the whole way and actually take off his shirt. He snorted, both disgusted and amused at himself. What a weird thing to be freaked out about! But still – everything else had gone really, really well. He glanced down at the woman by his side and smiled. She'd been amazing, even though she'd been a bit shy about revealing her pregnant body. They'd had to improvise a bit and get creative but it had made him love her all the more, knowing that she was carrying his child.

He reached down and gently put his hand on her bare stomach and smiled when he felt the baby move in response. Yes, today had been a very good day. With a deep breath and a smile he closed his eyes and curled up next to her and soon was fast asleep himself.


	27. Gratitude

_**I hope everyone made it through the big storm okay? We lost power for a few hours and had to dig our way out (it took a whole day of shoveling) but it was kind of nice not to have to do anything for a couple of days.**_

_**This is a short chapter but I hope to post another one tonight. I just hope the site is working properly - it's been a pain the last few days!**_

She woke up, sensing someone's eyes on her. She lifted her lids, to look directly into the face of a smiling, and very pleased seeming Jack.

"Mornin' sleepyhead", he said. He leaned forward and gave her a quick peck on the lips. "I have to get to work or Hammond's gonna send out the Marines."

It was only as he spoke that she realized he was dressed in his BDU's – obviously the one's he'd worn the day before. "You really need to bring some clothes over", she said sleepily. Even though he'd been staying with her for a while he still only had the bare minimum in a small duffel bag. She figured that after yesterday it was time –

She sat up suddenly, the realization that things had changed hitting her. "Jack!"

"Yeah?" he grinned from his spot on the edge of the bed.

"We – ", her voice petered out, although her eyes were huge, luminous with the realization of _how_ things had changed.

"We did indeed!" He reached forward again and kissed her, this time with more passion. With a deep sigh the kiss slowly ended and his lips released her reluctantly. "As much as I'd like to stay – and I'd _really_ like to stay, if I don't go now I'm gonna be in trouble. You are much too tempting Samantha Carter!"

She smiled at him. "I'm glad. Hurry home after work."

"You betcha!" he grinned and stood up although he reached out with his hand and gently touched her cheek, caressing her skin with his thumb. "Bye." With one last, but brief, kiss, he was gone.

After he had left she lay back down, a faraway look in her eyes. Things had gone better than she'd ever hoped or in fact dreamed. Now all she had to do was to get him to allow her to touch him more intimately – and to take off his shirt. She snorted softly, a gentle smile illuminating her face – her life was so strange.

"He's doing it again Teal'c." Daniel rolled his eyes as he looked up at the Colonel.

"Indeed he is. O'Neill, you appear to be content again today."

"Content?" Jack considered that seriously for a moment and then began whistling again – resuming the tune he'd entered the room with. After a few moments he paused. "Yeah. I'm _content_." He then got an extraordinarily smug look on his face and sat down next to his friends.

"So, what's up?" Daniel asked innocently.

Jack's eyes narrowed, but peering at his friend he realized that Daniel _certainly_ didn't mean anything by his comment. "Nothing. Life is just good, that's all."

His two teammates considered him intently and then both nodded. "He got some", Daniel muttered.

"Indeed."

Jeff walked up to the entrance of Cheyenne Mountain and showed his ID. The guard at the gate looked it over carefully and then had him sign in. "Welcome Doctor", the guard said. "You can go right down. They're expecting you."

Jeff nodded and made his way inside. He'd been to Norad before, but surprisingly hadn't visited the SGC, even though he worked with a number of men and women from there. He met all his patients off base, which he knew was important for their comfort and privacty. He _was_ curious about it though and hoped he'd actually get a chance to see the Stargate. He'd have to ask Jack if that would be a possibility.

He'd been surprised when Jack had asked him if they could meet at the SGC. He'd said he was extremely busy but wanted to have a session and could Jeff come to the base. Jeff hadn't minded – but still, he thought it a bit of an unusual request and he wasn't sure if he would have agreed if it had been anyone else other than O'Neill.

He hadn't seen the Colonel for a few weeks although he'd talked to him briefly on the phone. Things seemed to be going reasonably well for him, which made Jeff feel both pleased and relieved. He would never have said this to anyone, least of all Jack, but he himself had had some doubts as to whether the Air Force officer would be able to deal with everything he'd been through. Surprisingly, Jack had made remarkable progress in a relatively short time. Oh, he knew, as did the Colonel, that he wasn't 'cured' – that he still had some things to work out but he was doing all the right things to cope and to get better, not just with the occurrences of the past year, but with other things as well.

He was also relieved to see that Jack was waiting for him when the elevator doors opened. He'd been afraid that he'd get lost in the vast labyrinth of the underground facility. The Colonel gave him a big grin and held out his hand.

"Thanks for coming. I hope it wasn't too much of a pain?"

"No, not at all. I've always wanted to see the SGC. I've heard so much about it so it's nice to actually get a chance to look at it. This way I'll be able to picture things better when people are talking to me."

"Yes – well – it _is_ such an attractive place", Jack motioned around at the gray and drab interior. "The Air Force does such a great job of decorating!"

Jack led him down a long hallway until they arrived at a set of stairs. Jeff followed Jack up and then into a room in which were seated a group of men around a large board table. Glancing at the each of them it took only a second to figure out that he was looking at Sg1. The man at the head of the table was sporting stars on his shirt so was obviously General Hammond. He straightened up immediately.

"Dr. Emil – welcome", the General said, standing up. "Please have a seat."

"Thank you Sir." He looked enquiringly over at Jack but did as the General had asked.

"I'd like to introduce you to Teal'c", the General indicated the dark faced man with the tattoo, "Daniel Jackson and Thomas Pierce. These men are all part of Sg1, along with Colonel O'Neill."

He said hello to each of them, carefully keeping his voice neutral, although he _was_ interested in meeting them. He felt like he knew them all well, after everything the Colonel had told him, although he could never let on to that fact.

"So, you're probably wondering why the Colonel asked you to come here today?"

"Uh – yes." He glanced at Jack trying to figure out what this meant. It was clearly not going to be a therapy session but what it was he had no idea.

"Colonel O'Neill told us how much you are doing to help many of the men and women of this base, himself included. He asked me if we could do something to show our gratitude -"

"I don't need gratitude Sir", he interrupted softly. "It's my job – and I do it because I want to – not for any reward."

"I know Son, and I'm grateful for that and so is the Colonel. Still, I know the Colonel is very appreciative of your help and wanted to do something to thank you. Colonel, why don't you tell him?"

"Thanks Sir", Jack smiled briefly at George and then turned to Jeff. "General Hammond is right. I wanted to thank you for everything but wasn't sure quite what to do. A bottle of wine or a box of chocolates really weren't enough to tell you how much I appreciate how you've helped."

"He was thinking about a boxed set of the Simpsons", Daniel interrupted.

"- but I told him you already had that", grinned the Colonel. "So I asked General Hammond if I could offer you something else. I hope you'll like it."

Jeff looked between the men, perplexed at what was going on. "Uh- I'm sure I will Colonel", he told the other man, and inside he was hoping the same thing. If Jack gave him a Homer bobble head ….!"

"I'd like to ask you to join us – my team here – on a mission through the Stargate", Jack told him.

Jeff looked at him, not sure if he'd heard correctly. Through the gate? But he couldn't. He'd lost his leg when trying to detonate a bomb and that had been the end of his career in the military. Since then he'd found real fulfillment in what he did, and fortunately he didn't need his leg for what he had to do. But it meant he'd never even dreamed of going through the Stargate. He knew it was impossible. He unconsciously reached down and touched the artificial limb which now helped him get around.

"It's okay", Jack said gently. "We're going to a planet where the people are friendly and I promise you we won't have to run from anyone."

Jeff sat without moving, silently regarding the men around the table. Each of them looked at him expectantly and with encouragement in their eyes rather than pity. He knew this was a chance of a lifetime and could feel his heart start to beat more quickly – a combination of fear and excitement. "You're – sure?" he asked, looking first at Jack and then at the General.

"Of course Son", Hammond said with a gentle smile. "You deserve it and I trust Sg1 to keep you safe." He looked sternly at Jack. "Isn't that right Colonel?"

"Of course Sir", he answered, an impish grin popping out. "Unless you'd _like_ a little adventure?" he asked Jeff.

The doctor laughed. "I think that's okay Colonel. Just going through the gate is enough of an adventure for me. So, when do we go?"

"Right now, if you're willing", Jack told him, grinning even more at the astonished look on the other man's face. "We've got some BDU's for you and we'll get you all kitted out and then -" he made a swooping gesture with his hand – "it's through the gate to a galaxy far, far away."

"_Galaxy_?"

"He's just kidding Doctor", Daniel told him, giving Jack a stern look. "We're only going a few hundred light years away."

"A few - ?" Jeff shook his head, wondering at these men who could speak so casually about travelling through space to other planets, half way across the Milky Way.

"Enjoy yourself Doctor", Hammond said, pushing himself up with his hands. "I've already arranged all the permissions and paperwork. All you have to do is get ready and go and have a good time. Just don't let the Colonel tease you!"

"I won't Sir", Jeff replied. "I think I know all his tricks by now!"

"Ha!" Jack said, letting his chair drop forward. "You only _think_ you know them. Daniel and Teal'c – and Pierce here – can tell you I have lots more."

"That is true Dr. Emil", Teal'c told him. "Colonel O'Neill is full of – tricks. I have found that the best thing is to ignore them."

Jeff looked around the table and realized that it was because of these men – and Samantha Carter – that Jack was doing as well as he was. He could _feel_ the affection they all had for each other. It wasn't just a team, it was a family – and an unusually close one. He stood up then and looked directly at the Colonel.

"Thank you", he said softly. He was aware that he'd been given and opportunity of a lifetime, and he had the man across the table to thank.

"Come on Doc", Jack jerked his head towards the door. "Time's awastin'. We have places to go, planets to visit, people to -"

" – drive crazy", Daniel finished. "Come on Doctor. I'll show you the way."

Jeff stood in front of the gate, dressed in the BDU's, a pack on his back. The others looked at him expectantly, big grins on their faces. He glanced at them briefly, but didn't mind their expressions. He was excited, nervous, thrilled and scared to death – and he knew this would be a memory he'd cherish his whole life.

"Dial 'er up Walter", the Colonel shouted to the Control room. "Just a couple of minutes Doc – and then we'll be off."

The doctor watched as the circle began to turn, the numbers lighting up. He knew what was supposed to happen but still, when the seventh chevron lit up and the blue 'kawooshed' out into the gate room he couldn't help but exclaim and step back. As it settled back into the beautiful blue event horizon, he sighed.

"You ready Doc?" Jack asked, his voice gentle.

"As I'll ever be", Jeff turned to his patient – and friend – and smiled. "Lead on Colonel."

Jack nodded. "That's what they pay me for Doc." Daniel and Pierce stepped through first, followed by Teal'c. The Colonel looked to his side, at the man he knew he had to thank for where he was today – and the life he was now enjoying. "Together Doc – together." They stepped through at the precise time – the healer and the healed – and were both transported to another world.


	28. Proposal

_**One more chapter to go after this ...**_

"So, when are you going to do something about this?" The older man leaned back in his lounge chair and took a swig of beer.

"About what?" The Colonel took a sip of his beer as well, although he was looking carefully out of the corner of his eyes at the speaker.

"Jack", the former General sighed. "You've been living with my daughter for months. She's about to have your baby – she gave up her career with the Air Force – and you say 'about what'. I know you're not the idiot you want people to think you are. Now I ask again – when are you going to do something?"

Jack took another sip of beer and silently consigned former generals, the Tokra, and fathers of girlfriends to some place far away. He wondered briefly if the Asgaard would come and take Jacob? "I don't know what you're talking about. Sam and I are happy and things are going well. The baby's coming soon – everything is fine."

Jacob sat up suddenly and put his feet over the side of the lounger and leaned forward. Jack was pretty sure his eyes glowed – but not from the Tokra Selmac within – but with the righteous anger of a father. "Cut the bull Jack. When the hell are you going to marry her?"

"_Marry_?" Jack looked slightly panicked, before he remembered that he was a highly decorated, former black ops Colonel in the Air Force. "Uh – when we're ready to S – ur Jacob."

"It looks like Sam's pretty ready, even if you aren't!" he snorted loudly. "What are you doing? Keeping your options open in case it doesn't work out? Deciding whether or not you really want to be burdened with a wife and child?"

"Shut up Jacob!" Jack was suddenly getting angry and he turned and sat up as well. He glared at the man next to him. "Whether or not we get married now – or later – or never is none of your god – dammed business. It's between Sam and me and no one else. _And_ I'll have you know that I'll _never_ change my mind. I am _not_ keeping my options open because for me there _is_ only one option – and that's to love her and spend the rest of my life with her. As for being burdened – how dare you! I am _honored_ to be with her and to be the father of her child. There's nothing I want more than to be with both of them!"

Jacob stared at him for a few seconds and then grinned, turned and lay back down. Taking a sip of beer he closed his eyes. "Good. Just checking. Although I still think you should ask her to marry you."

Jack watched him, his eyes narrowed. He wasn't quite sure whether to kill the man or to laugh. He was going to have to be on his toes with Jacob Carter as his father-in-law – or whatever you called the man who was the father of your girlfriend.

Instantly he frowned. Although it was true it wasn't Jacob's business, he too had been fretting about the whole marriage thing. It wasn't that he didn't _want_ to marry her – he couldn't think of anything he wanted more. It was just that he didn't know how she'd react, or if he could do that to her. It's not that he planned to ever leave her but he figured she wasn't getting the best deal in the world and not being married would make it easier for her to – leave – if she wanted to. The thought sent a shaft of pain through him, but it didn't matter – he loved her more than life itself – more than his life or honor or soul – and he didn't want to trap her into -"

"She's waiting for you to ask her you know", Jacob's soft voice interrupted his gloomy thoughts.

"Huh?" he looked over in surprise, only to see Jacob still lying with his eyes closed.

"She's waiting for you to ask. She wants to marry you but she doesn't want to pressure you – and she's afraid it's not what you really want – some stupidity about you having been married once already and not wanting to go through that again."

"She – _what_? How do you know this? Did she tell you?"

"Not in so many words, no. She told me it was none of my business when I brought it up. But I read through the lines. She _is_ my daughter Jack. I've known her for a long time and I know how her mind works – and how yours works too! You're both idiots. You love each other and want to spend your lives together so why the hell don't you just ask her. What do you have to lose?"

His world, he thought to himself. But then he considered what Jacob had just said and began to feel a sliver of hope. Did she _really_ want to marry -"

"Yes." Jacob said as if reading his mind, his voice certain. "She does and so do you. _Ask_ her Jack. _Please_?"

It took a few more minutes to gather his courage but he finally stood up and placed his beer on the small patio table. Without another word he turned and headed into the house. Sam was cleaning out drawers or something – the nesting urge had hit with a vengeance – and both men had been relegated to the back yard for the duration. As he entered through the back door he didn't see the grin on Jacob's face – or the fact that he gave a small toast with his beer bottle, and then lay back down and closed his eyes.

"Sam", he called. He wandered around for a moment until he found her in the spare bedroom, the dresser drawers pulled out and clothes scattered everywhere. "Whatcha doin'?" he asked.

"Hmm? Oh hi Jack. Where's Dad?"

"Still outside. What are you doing?"

"Oh – just sorting out some drawers. I figure we'll need more room for the baby, so I'm clearing out these old things."

"Sam – we purchased all new furniture for the baby with more room than we could possibly use."

"Well, the shower is this Saturday and I expect we'll get lots of stuff."

He sighed – knowing that he wasn't going to stop her. She was obsessed with cleaning out every nook and cranny in her house and in his. He'd practically had to tie her hands to keep her away from his fishing equipment. She's wanted to 'organize' his hooks and lures. He'd stopped her from doing that but hadn't been quick enough to keep her from alphabetizing his DVD collection. He'd had it organized nicely by genre but that didn't seem to be good enough for her. However, it had been when he'd caught her organizing his underwear and socks that he'd put his foot down. The last thing he needed was to have a color coordinated underwear drawer. If any of the guys ever came over and caught a glimpse he'd never hear the end of it.

"So what are _you_ doing", she suddenly asked, a sweater held in her hands. "Did you and my father get into a fight?" she asked suspiciously. Even though he and Jacob had reached an uneasy détente, Sam lived under the fear that one day they'd kill each other. He'd tried to assure her that things were – well _stable_ – if not good, but she was skeptical. He guessed she knew her father best – and although a good man, Jacob Carter was as stubborn as an ass!

"No", he said, sounding like a ten year old. "We didn't. We had a beer."

"And -?"

"And nothing. We were lying in the sun – kicked out of the house by the way – just relaxing."

"And -?" she asked again.

He sighed and rubbed his hands through his hair. "He asked me why I haven't asked you to marry me yet." He watched carefully as her eyes grew bigger and her mouth opened slightly. She appeared frozen for a few seconds – which didn't tell him anything. He was hoping for _some_ sigh – something that told him what she wanted.

Before he could see anything in her eyes, one way or another, she had dropped them down to look at the floor.

"What did you say?" she asked softly.

Damn! He should have known better. Why the hell had he brought this up now. He should have let sleeping dogs lie.

"_Jack?"_

"Uh – I told him it was none of his business", he replied. _Her_ only response was a short nod, although she didn't look up. Instead she started folding the sweater she was holding.

He waited for a few more seconds but realized that he had to do or say something. "Uh – but -"

"Yes?"

"Well, I wanted to tell him -"

"That you wanted ?"

"That I wanted to marry you more than anything else in the world but that I didn't know if that's what you wanted. And if you don't – that's okay – I mean, I'm happy the way we are, although being married to you would be the best – but I can understand if you don't want to. I mean, you could probably do better _and_ I'm older than you – and I have a shi – ur _ship_ load of crap that I've been through so I'll totally understand if you -"

"_**JACK**_!" She laughed, breathlessly and a little nervously, and pushed herself to her feet. "Is that a proposal?"

He stared at her in shock. A _proposal_? God – that's not what he'd – "Yes." The word came out of his mouth under its own volition. He wondered briefly if a Goa'uld had snuck up behind him and taken control – except for the fact that he really _wanted_ to ask -"

"Yes."

"Huh?" he frowned. What did she mean? He reached around to the back of his neck to double check. Had she actually _seen_ a Goa'uld?

"Yes – I'll marry you."

This time _his _eyes grew big. "You _will_? Really? I mean – you're sure?"

She laughed again and walked up to him. Reaching up she put her hands on either side of his face. "I've been waiting for you to ask me", she told him. "I'd finally decided that you weren't going to do it so I was going to ask _you_."

"You were?" He was still half in shock and didn't know quite what to say.

"Yes. I mean, I _am_ an Amazon", she told him, half laughing, half worried at how he'd react to her words. When he continued to peer at her with a dazed look she began to worry – but then his expression slowly changed, a twinkle appearing in his eyes.

"So – an Amazon eh? I guess I'm pretty lucky then that you said yes. You realize of course that every man in America is going to be jealous of the fact that I'm married to a real, live Amazon."

"You think?" she leaned forward, wishing she could get closer to him, but her almost nine month pregnant belly was definitely in the way. Still, he managed to put his arms around her, which made her feel both safe and loved.

"Oh yeah - I_ definitely_ think – although not too much right now. In fact – right now I'd like to -" he leaned forward and down and began to kiss her. It progressed until they were lying together on the bed, facing each other. It was only the door slamming down the hall that made them realize where they were – and that this probably wasn't a good time to continue. With a groan Jack sat up and pulled Sam up gently beside him. "Your Dad", he explained.

"Oh!" She looked adorably flustered and immediately started to straighten her hair.

Jack watched her, happier than he could ever remember being, and also amused at how she was desperately trying to hide the fact that they'd just engaged in a session of hot petting. He silently cursed Jacob for being here – until he remembered who it was who had put the idea of marriage into mind in and given him a gentle – but not subtle - push.

"So", he said, standing up. He reached down his hand and pulled her up beside him. "Shall we go tell him?"

"That we're engaged?" she asked.

"Yeah."

She got a strange smile on her face and shook her head. "No – let's let him suffer for a while longer. It's good for his soul."

"Sam! You're evil."

"I know', she laughed. "But if you'd had to live with a busybody father all these years you'd take every chance to exact revenge that you could."

He regarded her with narrowed eyes – realizing he still had things to learn about this woman – and then he smirked. "Sounds good to me!"

In the end they didn't make Jacob suffer _too_ long, only leaving the news for a couple of days. He was only with them until the baby was born – which was to happen soon and they wanted to get married before then.

Telling Jacob was fun – and of course Jack drew it out as long and painfully as possible. By the time he told the older man Sam was sure her father was going to burst a blood vessel. She finally – and laughingly – told Jack to shut up and informed her father.

"What Jack is trying – so irritatingly – to tell you, is that he asked me to marry him and I said yes." She waited to see how her father would react.

"He – really?" Jacob's eyes grew narrow and he glanced between his daughter and Jack. "Jack?"

"Yes Sir?" the Colonel said, a serious look on his face (which was belied by the definite gleam in his eyes).

"Did you finally ask her to marry you?"

"Yes Sir", he answered.

"And she said yes?"

"Yes Sir."

Jacob glared at him – and this time his eyes really did glow. "I _told_ you so Jack!" he smirked. "Finally got some balls did you? Well I'm happy for you both – congratulations." He reached out and hugged his laughing daughter. "I _am_ happy for you kiddo", he whispered in her ear, "but don't tell Jack. I don't want him to think I've gone soft."

"Okay", she whispered back, "although I think he already knows that."

"Damn! So how am I going to scare him?" he asked solemnly.

She laughed again – "You won't need to Dad", she told him. "He loves me you know."

"Of course I do – otherwise I wouldn't let him marry you."

She finally pulled away and gave him a half-serious glare. "You couldn't have _stopped_ me. I'm an adult and make my own decisions."

He nodded but gave a small grin, which caused her to look suspiciously at him – and to realize she was _very _glad he liked Jack.

"So – Colonel." Jacob turned and faced the man who was going to be his son-in-law. "I don't have to say it do I?"

"You mean that you'll rip out my testicles if I hurt her?"

"Mmm – sounds about right."

"No, you don't Jacob. I'll look after her – I promise."

"Hey", Sam interrupted. "Mabye _I'll_ look after the Colonel. I am an Amazon you know. And I can certainly look after myself"

"There you go Sir. You're daughter will look after both of us. I'm gonna be a 'kept man'," he grinned. "Sounds good."

"Right!" Sam looked at both of them in disgust. "Men! Come on – I want to call Mark and then Daniel and Teal'c and Janet. I want to get married before the baby comes."

So they all went into high gear planning a wedding in five days. Sam complained about not being able to buy a beautiful gown – instead going for a simple white maternity evening dress. Jack promised that they'd have a real wedding after the baby came and she could buy a real dress. For now they were marrying in Jack's back yard – only their closest friends and family in attendance.

Although Jack knew Sam was a bit sad at not having a beautiful, traditional wedding right away, as far as he was concerned there was nothing better as far as weddings were concerned. The only thing that was missing was – hell, _nothing_ was missing.

He was getting married to the woman he loved in front of his closest friends. Yup – he was officially the luckiest man in the universe.


	29. Epilogue: From Bad to Good

_**Here's the end of the journey. I hope you enjoy.**_

He decided she was wrong – she wasn't an Amazon. She was a goddess – an earth goddess. He watched in awe as she walked slowly across the lawn, the music and the guests fading in the background. She was dressed in a long white dress which accentuated her stately height and her rounded figure, full with their child. Her hair, which had grown longer since she left the Air Force, was pulled up with soft curls adorning her face and small flowers threaded through it. She reminded him of some beautiful, ancient Greek fertility goddess. God – he was _so_ lucky.

If he'd been able to think clearly, or if at all, he would have realized that he was staring and not breathing. It was only the jab to his ribs that made him come out of his trance. He glanced to his left, to see Daniel grinning at him.

So sue him! It was _his_ wedding and he was watching the world's most gorgeous woman walk down the aisle – or grass – to him. He had a right to be stunned!

She arrived at the front, a soft smile on her face only for him. He barely saw Jacob as he gave his daughter's hand to him. Just as he went to turn away Jack realized, and gave him a smile of thanks and a nod. He then took Sam's hand in his and turned with her to face the minister.

"So – finally!" Daniel looked at him with a soft smirk. "Teal'c and I wondered what it would take to bring you two together. I think 'alien technology' was number three on our list."

"You had a list?" Jack scowled at him, a glass of beer in one hand and a canapé in the other. (What the hell _was_ a canapé anyway?).

"Yeah." Daniel popped some kind of little pastry in his mouth and chewed for a minute. "We had lots of lists actually."

"Lots? You mean about Sam and me?"

"Mmm hmm. And other things too."

"Like what other things?"

"Oh – the different ways you might piss off system lords and/or the Air Force brass, new excuses as to why your reports weren't done, comparisons you made to all things Simpson or fishing – those kind of things."

"Really? And here I thought you two were actually working on saving Earth from the Goa'uld, or in Teal'c's case freeing his Jaffa buddies. Instead you were making stupid lists."

"Hey – there were lots of times we had nothing to do - usually after you got us captured by insulting some alien and we had to spend the night in a dark cell. And they weren't stupid. They were highly entertaining."

Jack just snorted and took another sip of beer. He looked around his yard and watched his closest friends and family (mostly Sam's) interact. It had been a great day, one he'd remember always. He hadn't really had time to process the fact that they were married yet. He figured that would come later, when they were finally alone. It still astounded him that Sam – who'd had half the men in the galaxy after her and most of the men in the Air Force – had chosen him. He was the luckiest man alive.

"You're grinning again Jack", Daniel informed him casually.

"So. I have lots to grin about Daniel. It's my wedding day."

"Yeah – and I'm really happy for you. You and Sam deserve this."

"Well, I don't know about that – I do know that it's what I've wanted for a long time." He turned to face his friend. "Thank you Daniel – you and Teal'c – without you this never would have happened."

Daniel looked touched and smiled at the man who was like a brother to him. "Thanks Jack. You're our friends and we're just glad it all worked out. Mind you, if this hadn't we had a plan."

"A plan?"

"Mmm hmm. Teal'c and I arranged with Thor to kidnap the two of you and put you down on a tropical island for a few weeks by yourselves."

"And you think that would have brought us together?"

"Yup", the archaeologist said positively.

"You don't think that we would have been strong enough to obey the regulations for a few weeks?"

"Nope." Daniel took another drink, looking entirely too smug.

"But Daniel – we're both professionals and we would have -"

"Not if you were naked", Daniel interrupted.

"_What_?"

"Not if you were naked. We also asked Thor to take all your clothes. He thought it was a good idea since he doesn't see the point of them anyway – at least not if it's not cold."

"You're telling me that you and Teal'c – I don't believe you."

"Hey Teal'c", Daniel called their Jaffa friend, who walked slowly over to them. "Tell Jack what we arranged with Thor."

"You mean about having him transport O'Neill and Major Carter to a tropical island and leave them there without any clothing?"

"Yeah – that's it!" Daniel turned to Jack. "See, I told you."

"I can't believe you two! You're incorrigible."

"We learned from the master, O'Neill", Teal'c gravely intoned. "And it was only because of our desire to see you and Samantha Carter resolve your problem."

"Our _problem_?"

"Indeed."

"And what _problem_ was that?"

"Your unresolved sexual tension", Teal'c informed him.

"Yup! UST – the scourge of life with Jack and Sam. Fortunately we don't have to deal with it anymore", Daniel sighed happily. "We've moved straight into RST – _resolved_ – you know – so we told Thor he wasn't needed – unless you'd like a honeymoon on -"

"No - no, that's okay", Jack quickly told him. "We need to stay pretty close until the baby comes. I still can't believe you two! UST – RST – God, who would think of something so – so – ridiculous!"

"What's ridiculous Jack?" Sam came up behind him and put her arm around his waist.

"Uh – nothing. Teal'c and Daniel were just telling me about this tropical planet where people run around naked, that's all."

"Really? Hmm – sounds interesting. Was it something recently discovered because I don't remember ever hearing about it?"

"Yeah – we were talking about it with Thor", Daniel explained quickly.

"What's RST? Is it something to do with this planet?" She asked, obviously having heard the tail end of their conversation.

"No – it's – I mean yes. I – you'll have to ask Teal'c." Daniel stopped and took his glasses off and began to clean them.

"Teal'c?" Sam looked at him expectantly. "Do you know what it means?"

"I believe that O'Neill can best explain it", the cowardly Jaffa said. "I see that General Hammond needs some more sustenance. If you will excuse me?" With that Teal'c turned and walked away.

"Okay –that was strange", Sam said, a slight grimace on her face. She heard something coming from her new husband and turned to see Jack bent over in hysterical laughter. "Jack?" She frowned and looked again at Daniel. "I wish someone would tell me what's going on!"

"Jack will explain later", Daniel assured her. "Uh – I think I see – someone – over there. I'd better go and see what he wants." Their friend made his escape quickly, leaving a puzzled Sam and a gasping Jack.

* * *

"That was wonderful", Sam sighed as she collapsed on the bed. "It was the perfect wedding."

"It was", Jack plopped down beside her, his arms folded behind his head and a content look on his face. "We should do it more often."

"Get married?" she asked, laughing.

"No – I mean have everyone over. Although I wouldn't mind getting married again – as long as it was to you."

"Oh you romantic you! You realize that saying things like that will ensure you get _very_ lucky tonight don't you."

"Why do you think I say them?"

She laughed and slowly turned on her side. She could hardly wait until this baby was born. She felt like a slow moving whale. "So, are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"What it was you were laughing at? Daniel and Teal'c both looked like they'd swallowed a fly and you were acting like a ten year old!"

"I was not", he protested. He too rolled over so that he was facing her. "If you must know, they were telling me about their plot to get us together. They had arranged with Thor to drop us off on a tropical planet -"

"Don't tell me", she interrupted. "We were going to be naked!"

"Mmm hmm. They figured we wouldn't have been able to stay 'professional' and obey the regs that way."

"They're right", she told him. "I would have taken one look at your naked body and " she stopped suddenly, realizing what she was about to say.

"And what?" he asked, sounding totally calm.

"Nothing."

"Sam? What?"

"Nothing I – are you hungry?" She struggled to sit up but was impeded by his arm. "Jack!"

"No Sam – let's talk. You were going to joke about having your way with me or something like that, weren't you?"

"I – I'm sorry Jack – I just forgot."

"Good. Look, I know you were teasing – and it really doesn't bother me anymore. I know you're not going to hurt me and we have to get over being worried about saying stuff that's going to upset each other. And anyway – I'm afraid that if we were both naked on that planet I would have been right there with you!"

She relaxed back down – relieved that he seemed to be handling things so much better. She knew she'd over reacted, but she still had the occasional nightmare about what she'd done. They were getting fewer and fewer, as were Jack's but every once in a while they'd rear their ugly heads.

"So", she said after a few minutes of silence. "What's RST?"

"Resolved sexual tension", he told her calmly.

"Re – you're kidding?"

"Nope. I guess Teal'c and Daniel thought we had unresolved 'issues' but that we hadve finally 'resolved' them." He gave a devilish grin. "And they were _so_ right!"

"Those – idiots! You know their problem Jack?"

"No. What?"

"They both need _their_ unresolved issues dealt with."

"You mean you think -"

" They need to get laid! Then they could spend less time worrying about us."

He laughed and pulled her to him, cuddling up with her on the bed. "Can I tell them you said that?"

She swatted him but couldn't help but smile. "No, don't you dare." The last thing she wanted was for Daniel and Teal'c to think she thought at all about their sex lives. Although in actual fact, she and Janet had often speculated about the two of them. Hell, they'd speculated about the Colonel before they'd gotten together. She frowned slightly. She still wondered about what he'd gotten up to before they'd become a couple. Other than a few instances 'off-planet' she wasn't aware that he'd had any girl friends on Earth. It would be something to ask him one day – but not on their wedding day.

"Hey – how about some RST right now?" Jack asked with a hopeful sound in his voice. His question successfully put a stop to her wandering thoughts.

It was her turn to laugh, but she wiggled around until she was finally sitting up. "Food first – then RST. I couldn't get enough to eat today and I'm starving, and believe me – you _don't_ want to have to deal with a starving pregnant woman."

"No", he shuddered. "Uh but what about dessert?"

"Fine – you can have some RST for dessert!" She was pretty sure he muttered something about it being 'almost better than cake' – but for his sake she decided to pretend she hadn't heard.

It was as they were walking back from dinner at the hotel they were staying in (in the honeymoon suite no less) that Sam grew quiet, thinking about everything that had happened and how far they'd come. There was still one unresolved issue – she had to smile at that – that hadn't been dealt with yet and that was Jack's willingness to allow her to see him without his shirt.

She'd let it go before now, figuring it wasn't that serious an issue and that eventually he'd get over it. That hadn't happened however and she'd finally brought it up to the counselor she was still seeing. Her therapist had told her that it often became harder over time to deal with these kinds of things rather than easier.

"It can become almost a phobia", she'd told Sam. "You may want to talk to him and see but I wouldn't suggest you let it go on for too long."

The more she thought about it, the more she agreed. Jack went to all kinds of lengths not to let her see him and it was starting to bother her. She knew she'd have to say something but debated as to whether now was a good time. It _was_ their wedding night after all. She should just let it go.

"What is it?" he asked as they shut the door to their room behind them. "You've gone quiet all of a sudden. Tired?"

"A little", she agreed. "But that's not -"

"Not what? Come on – you know you can tell me anything."

She knew that wasn't _exactly_ true. It's not that she kept secrets from him about important things, but hell, there were some things it was just better not to share with your new husband. Jonah came to mind. Although the Colonel knew about him, he didn't know the details and it was much better that way. Still, she knew she _should_ say something to him about this, she just didn't know if now was the right time.

"_Sam_?"

"It's really nothing", she smiled. "Come on, how about that dessert?"

Rather than rushing into a passion-filled, frantic joining, they simply lay down together and held on another. It had been a wonderful, but exhausting day, especially for a heavily pregnant woman. As much as she loved Jack and loved to _make_ love to him, she enjoyed this closeness almost as much. She did feel a bit guilty though. If it wasn't for her pregnancy she was pretty sure he'd be less likely to be lying _beside_ her and would be initiating something more vigorous.

"Whatcha thinkin'", he asked suddenly, gently caressing her face. "You look so serious all of a sudden."

"I was just thinking that you'd enjoy this a lot more if I wasn't so huge."

He chuckled softly and kissed her. "Nope", he answered plainly. "Not true. I'm happier right now then I've ever been. There's nothing I like better than being close to you."

"Not sex?" she asked with a small smile.

"_Well_!" He laughed and flipped onto his stomach so that he could look at her better. "We have lots of time for that. Right now I just want to look at you and tell myself that you actually married me. I still can't believe it you know."

"Jack! _You_ know that there was nothing I wanted more than to marry you."

"Not sex?" he grinned, repeating her words.

"Okay, I admit it. I wanted your body – that's why I married you. It was just the sex all along – all that UST had to be resolved!"

He chuckled again and snuggled up against her, his hand on her belly. "The baby's quiet tonight", he said.

"Mmm hmm. He – or she – is happy that Daddy and Mommy finally got married."

"Ya think?"

"Well, I don't suppose it cares really. At least not now. All our child needs to know is that it's loved. My _father, _on the other hand was ecstatic that we finally did it."

"I thought he'd be in mourning over the fact that it was me you were marrying."

"Hey, Dad likes you!"

"Yeah, right!"

"He does. It's just that he likes to give you a hard time even more. It gives him great pleasure to have a son-in-law he can harass."

"Great! I just hope that Selmak can keep him under control."

They laid there quietly for a few more moments, Jack's hand absently tracing patterns on her abdomen. While he was so calm and relaxed she decided she'd try and return the favor. Slowly she began to touch his stomach. He didn't seem to notice at first, but after a few seconds she could feel his muscles clench and he went to back away. She reached out and put her arm around him. "Don't", she said softly.

She looked into his eyes and could see the doubt and the fear still there. She hadn't planned on it, but decided right then and there that this had to stop. He had to get over this, for his sake more than hers.

"Jack – it's okay. I just want to touch you."

He took a breath that sounded rather shaky, but after a moment he nodded. She could feel him try and relax, although he was still tense. She slowly and carefully resumed her exploration of his chest.

It took a while but eventually she could feel the muscles let go, little by little. His breathing slowed and he actually seemed to be enjoying her touch. Although it seemed a small thing, in actual fact he'd taken a huge step. She figured that was as far as they should go tonight.

"I love you," told her suddenly.

"I know. I love you too."

"No – I mean – I _really_ love you. You – you're everything to me Sam. I - I just love you."

She smiled and lifted her hand until it cupped his cheek. Moving slowly, her eyes focused only on him, she laid her lips gently against his mouth. "And I – really – love you." She could feel him nod, and then sigh and pull away. "What is it?" she asked, knowing it was something.

"I – hate that I'm so screwed up", he confessed. "I mean, what kind of man has trouble letting the woman he loves even _touch_ him? How can you possibly want to be with someone like me?"

"Hmm, let me think. Could it be that you're strong and courageous? Maybe it's the fact that you're handsome as sin – and _very_ sexy. Or it's that you're one of the most honorable men I know. No, no – it's got to be your crazy sense of humor. Then again, it may be because you take care of me so well." She stopped and considered him for a moment. "I know", she finally said. "I love you because you're _you_. You're Jack O'Neill – the man I've loved for a long, long time and the man I'll love forever. The fact that you don't want to take off your shirt – well, that's a pretty minor detail."

He could actually feel himself start to tear up and felt rather embarrassed. He put his arm over his face, again wondering what he had done to deserve this woman. It was a couple of seconds before he spoke. "I look better with a shirt anyway", he mumbled, not quite sure what to say.

"Prove it to me."

That stopped him. He lifted his head suddenly, not sure if she'd meant what she'd said. "I – no – I can't", he told her, starting to feel the panic return. "It's – Sam, it's better this way."

"Why?' she asked gently. "I think you've made it out to be a much bigger thing than it is. I think you should simply take it off and get it over with."

He shook his head and sat up, wanting to get away. Something at the last moment stopped him however. The realization that he _was_ making this out to be something huge – something insurmountable - suddenly hit him. What was he thinking? It was just his shirt. He _knew_ Sam wasn't going to attack him just because his chest was naked. No, but she would see the scar and that would – would what? It might make her feel bad but did it really bother him that much anymore?

He fought a silent battle with himself, but by the end realized that it was time to show some courage. He'd faced worse enemies many times – but few so frightening as this. Still – he was just about to embark on a new life as husband to this incredible woman and father to a new child. Now was the time to deal with his demons.

Without saying another word he grasped the bottom of his shirt and slowly pulled it from his pants. Once it was all the way out he stopped, his breathing again speeding up. He closed his eyes, trying to tell himself he could do this. He was just being silly – it wasn't as if he was stripping naked in the middle of Colorado Springs for God sake.

Sam sat quietly, watching as the Colonel – her _husband_ – showed extreme courage. She could see the tremor in his hands but they remained holding his shirt. Slowly, deliberately, he began to lift the shirt over his head. He'd put on a long sleeve t-shirt once they'd changed out of their wedding clothes so there were no buttons to undo.

She watched as he abruptly took a deep breath and yanked it quickly over his head and threw it on the floor. He sat there, his eyes still closed, but now he was holding his breath.

"Thank you", she told him softly. "I love you."

His eyes slowly opened and he peered directly at her. She didn't look either disgusted, or filled with guilt. Instead, her eyes shone with pride – in him – and with love. He briefly closed his again and then opened them and gave a shaky smile.

"So – not wanting to run away?" he asked humorously, although with a serious tone underlying the question.

"Why would I want to? I told you, I think you're incredibly handsome and sexy and even more so without your shirt."

"I – the scars?"

"They tell me what kind of man you are. You should wear all of them with pride."

He slowly forced himself to look down at _the_ scar – the one she'd left on him all those months ago. "And this?" he asked, lifting his hand and pointing to it. He still didn't like touching it.

But she did. She reached out her hand and carefully touched his skin with her finger and felt his chest quiver. She was pretty sure it was from fear, not passion. "Did I do that?" she asked.

He nodded, unable to speak. He wondered how she'd react and was surprised when she leaned forward and very gently kissed the scar. He couldn't help it – he jerked away from her, his heart beating wildly.

"Sorry", he muttered.

"It's okay. It will take awhile and _I'm_ the one who should be sorry – for doing this to you."

"It -"

" – wasn't my fault. I know, and I finally believe it – most of the time – but I'm still sorry I hurt you. Do you hate it?" she suddenly asked, referring again to the scar.

"I – don't know. It's just – I try not to think of it I guess."

She reached up again and touched him. This time it bothered him less, although he still found it difficult. "I think we should think of it as the beginning of something wonderful", she told him. "Although this whole thing started with something bad, it's turned into something really good. This mark", she stroked it gently, "tells me that we're joined."

"You marked me", he said, and his voice was not angry or afraid – rather it held a trace of humor.

"Yeah – and it means you're mine", she told him bluntly.

He laughed softly and finally settled down beside her, her hand trapped in his. She wiggled around until she was partially leaning over him. She looked at him, her eyes asking permission. A deep breath and a small grimace and then he nodded. She leaned down and began trailing soft kissed down his chest.

He didn't allow it to continue too long – not because he was feeling panicked – although there was still an element of that – but because he was definitely starting to want that dessert.

"Mmm", he hummed when she reached his belly button. For the first time he wished she _wasn't _so pregnant because he really wanted to –

"_Jack_!" she squealed.

He forgot about his fears and hang-ups and spent the evening enjoying his wife.

* * *

"Drink?"

"Mmm hmm", she murmured, her face bathed in perspiration. She took a drink from the straw as he held the glass and then laid her head down. "damn – it's coming again."

He helped support her through the next contraction. They were steadily getting stronger, although she seemed to be handling things well. She'd been in labor for close to eight hours, although only the last couple in hard labor. They'd stayed at home as long as possible but when her water broke they decided to go to the hospital.

"Hi Sam." Janet's voice suddenly broke the silence as Sam rested between contractions.

"Janet! You're here."

"I am." She moved to the other side of the bed and took her friend's hand. "How are you doing?"

"The doc said she's about six centimeters", Jack informed her. "She says she's doing well."

"I figured. Have you decided about an epidural?"

Just then another contraction started so Sam wasn't able to respond until it was done.

"I'm okay for now", she told Janet. "I'd rather not if I don't have to."

"Okay." Janet smiled at Jack. "I figured she'd handle it pretty well", she told the father.

"Yeah – once you've experienced a pain stick nothing's as bad", he said.

"Labor's worse", his wife said shortly.

It went on for a few more hours and Sam kept on without pain medication, although Jack worried that she was getting exhausted. The one time he'd suggested she consider an epidural he'd quickly regretted it. Janet told him gently that it was best to let Sam bring it up if she wanted help.

Jack stayed by the bed the whole time, except to take quick bathroom breaks. Once Janet made him get something to eat but otherwise he was there, right beside her. He felt guilty that she had to bear the pain even though he knew that was nature's fault, not his. Still, he knew he could do nothing less than stay with her.

Daniel and Teal'c and Jacob all came in at different times but didn't stay long. It wasn't a time for talking and Sam needed to focus, something she couldn't do with any of them there. Still, the fact that they were present, in the hospital, made a huge difference to her. Even George Hammond came by and told them he'd stay till the baby was born.

"We have such good friends", Sam whispered. She had grown rather teary-eyed and was looking sweaty and exhausted. Jack gently ran the warm washcloth over her face.

"We do", he agreed.

"And I'm glad my Dad is here", she said.

"He wouldn't be anywhere else", he informed her. "He told me that he told the High Council that they could go – uh – do something impossible to their anatomy if they didn't let him come to be here with you."

It was after the next contraction that Sam suddenly looked as if she couldn't take anymore. The midwife came in just then to check on her and see how far along she was.

"She doesn't look like she can deal with much more", he told her. "Maybe we should think about an epidural?"

The Midwife didn't respond immediately, as she was examining Sam. When she was done she took off the glove and lowered the sheet. "Mmm sorry. I'm afraid we can't give her an epidural. Not now."

Jack was ready to do battle for his wife. "Why not?" he asked. "She can't take this anymore."

"Jack!" Sam called frantically and reached out and grabbed his hand.

"And she doesn't have to", the midwife explained. "It's time to push." She got the bed ready and pulled back the sheet. "Okay Jack – you can help support her. Sam, you need to sit up and hold onto the bar if you want – or Jack if that's more comfortable." She waited while Sam slowly moved and then made it through her next contraction.

This time she wasn't silent – but instead cried out. "I need to push!"

"Good", the midwife answered. "It's time Sam. Go ahead."

It actually took longer than Jack had thought it would. Somehow, and maybe it was because of watching all those Hollywood movies, he'd pictured it as happening in just a few seconds. Instead, Sam pushed for almost forty minutes, during which time she'd cried, panted, and squeezed every drop of blood from his hand and had practically broken all the bones.

"Jack – come and look. You can see the head."

Okay – that was pretty weird, he decided. He really didn't know if he wanted – "Oh my God! Sam, you can see the head – and it's got _hair_ on it!" He stared in absolute amazement and awe at his child, who was trying desperately to make its way into the world.

A few more pushes – he could tell it was coming out a bit further every time – and she or he would be here. God – this was a miracle.

"Jack, come here. Now hold your hands here and you can catch the baby."

His hands were shaking and he was terrified he was going to drop it, but the midwife continued to smile and watch. With a loud cry – almost a scream – Sam gave one last tremendous push and his child – covered in white and red – slipped out into his waiting hands.

He was crying - he knew it and he didn't care in the least. His child – _their_ child was here, finally. He looked at the small, pink body and gently laid it on Sam's stomach. He watched as his wife, her face covered in tears and a smile, reached down and put her hand on the baby's back. The midwife quickly covered the small child with a warm blanket.

Jack watched in wonder as the baby slowly wriggled its way up Sam until finally it found her breast and latched on. He was breathless and in love. That was their child – his and Sam's. For the first time he blessed that alien obelisk and the Amazons. Sam was right – something that had started so badly had ended in utter joy. He could feel his soul travel that last small journey to healing and knew he had this woman and this small child to thank for that.

He walked out of the delivery suite, a huge grin on his face. Their friends – Teal'c, Daniel, Pierce, Janet and General Hammond all stood, looking at him expectantly. Jacob was there as well – looking expectantly at Jack.

"You want to come see baby O'Neill?" he asked them.

"Jack! Congratulations!" Daniel gave him a hug. That was quickly followed by congratulations and hugs from everyone.

"Jack? How's Sam?" Jacob asked his son-in-law.

"She's fine", he answered. "She did beautifully. The midwife is just getting her all cleaned up and then she wants to see all of you."

"O'Neill – you have not told us. Did you have a son or daughter?"

"You'll see in a minute Teal'c. Sam made me promise not to say. Come on – she should be ready now." He walked down the hall followed by the people who meant more to him than any others in the universe. He opened the door and watched as they all filed into the room.

He was the last to enter and he smiled to see his wife – looking serene and as if she'd done nothing more than go for a stroll in the park – sitting up in bed, the baby held in her arms.

Everyone moved up to the bed and looked at the newest member of their team. The baby was still red and slightly 'squished' looking, but was still totally beautiful, thought the doting father. He and Carter made gorgeous babies!

"So – what is it?" Janet finally asked. "Jack wouldn't tell us."

Sam looked at each of her friends and at her father. Her eyes finally rested on her husband, the man she'd followed willingly all these years and who now travelled by her side.

Jack watched as she smiled and knew that it was the smile that only a mother can give, the smile of a woman, a lover – the smile from his Amazon.

"Say hello to Erin Elizabeth O'Neill."

_**The End**_

Thank you, as always, to my many, many faithful reviewers (whom I'm terrible at replying to). You make it fun and worthwhile.


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